My Ex Keeps Coming Back Into My Life

[Becky]

My situation is quite complex. My boyfriend and I broke up close to 3 years ago. We were together for 3 and a half years until we had an argument and then decided to take a job traveling. For the last 3 years he keeps popping up. Texting me or calling me telling me he loves me more than he has loved any woman and that he will love me for the rest of his life. My feeling is if that's the case why not marry me! Ugh! I am 44 years old soon to be 45. I will never have kids at this age but I do want to get married one day. He did it again two nights ago and when I ask why he wants to keep contact with me he tells me to make music. I sing and he makes songs. I am so confused and just when I start to get stronger and feel I am ready to move on he does it all over again. Every time feeling like I did the day he walked away! I don't know what else to do at this point!

Thank you for listening.

[Clay]

Hey Becky,

First things first, you're not alone.

This is a question a lot of women ask, but something about yours made me feel your pain through my computer screen and I had to stop and answer you.

Why does he keep popping up in your life?

Because you're letting him. Plain and simple.

Yup. It's your fault.

Now before women start yelling at their computers to that response or grumbling angrily on the bus looking like a crazy person (man I love it when that happens to people), let me explain.

He's contacting you because he knows you'll answer.

He knows you'll meet up for a drink or more. He knows you'll respond. And that's not fair to you.

Yes, he should show more class, but you have set a precedent that you are available to him. You have let him know "I'm here for you, for whatever you need". You might think "Well I'm just being a good person, what if he really needs me?"

With (hopefully) no insult to you, if he REALLY needed something, are you the person he's going to turn to?

Nope.

If he REALLY needed something, he'd ask his best friends, his family, those closest to him. Not his ex who he texts every once in a while.

So how do you stop crumbling before the text or phone call from him in front of you?

Communicate with him

This is not a time for you to yell into the phone or send a nasty text. Simply let him know that while you value the friendship, right now only one of you is getting what you want out of it and that isn't fair to either of you. Because of that, you're cutting contact.

Yes...it's THAT SIMPLE. It doesn't require a monologue of feelings. Rip the band-aid off and move on.

For example:

"This isn't working for me. I am no longer going to be at your beck and call. I am not going to change my mind. Thank you for you friendship, but this is over."

"This 'friendship' isn't working because it's not a friendship. We both need to move on. I am not going to change my mind. Please don't contact me again."

"I'm not in love with you. I'm never going to be in love with you again. I am not going to change my mind. This is the last time I'm going to talk to you about this. Goodbye."

Notice something about those texts? They all say "I am not going to change my mind on this". I can't stress this phrase enough. Whatever you text, include this phrase. You're changing your mind. You're sticking to your guns.

What if he writes me back?

DON'T ANSWER. You made yourself clear. You're not talking about this. You're not changing your mind. Ignore him. You'll just be feeding the monster. Even if you respond in a very negative way you're still giving him your ATTENTION and that's what he craves more than anything else in the world.

What if he begs?

DON'T ANSWER. Don't take the bait. Once you've communicated clearly his pain is not your problem. Your ex boyfriends' feelings are not your responsibility and that you don't owe him a single thing at this point.

What if he threatens self harm or something along those lines?

DON'T ANSWER. That's probably just a manipulation tactic and the worst thing you can do is feed it by responding. If you think threats of self harm are in any way real then you can contact one of his friends or family members but it is NOT YOUR JOB TO BE HIS SUPPORT NETWORK.

In fact YOU being his support network is the WORST POSSIBLE THING.

Getting this kind of toxic behavior and dependency out of your life is going to be the best thing you've done for yourself.

Now, go out and find the love you deserve!

[Richard]

"My boyfriend keeps dumping me!" That's a horrible statement for any woman to have to make. It happens when you're crazy in love with a man who waffles continuously about his feelings for you. One day he's wild about you and the next day he's breaking your heart and telling you things just aren't going to work out. This is a cycle that repeats itself over and over again with him coming back to win you over only to dump you again a short while later. If you're tired of living like this, but you truly believe he's the man you're supposed to be with, you have to change something now. You have the power to stop this pattern and get him to want to be with you always.

Whenever a woman confesses, "my boyfriend keeps dumping me," she's doing it with doubt about her own appeal as a girlfriend. It's understandable why a woman may begin to question herself and whether she makes a good partner if she's being dumped over and over again by the same man. If you've been thinking this way, it has to stop now. Instead of focusing on why he keeps ending the relationship, think about why he keeps coming back. The reason for that is because he loves you and wants to be with you. You need to use that knowledge to your advantage.

The main reason why your boyfriend keeps dumping you and coming back is simple. You're letting him do it and you're allowing him to treat you like a fair-weather girlfriend. You take him back each and every time he dumps you because you love him. He recognizes and relies on this. He knows that if he gets the urge to be single again, he can end things, because he has the comfort of knowing that you'll be waiting to take him back.

That's why you have to change that dynamic right this minute. You have to take control of your own destiny. Right now you are going to show him, through your actions, that you will not wait idly by for him to change his mind and come running back to you. You need to cut off all contact. Don't call him to see how he is and don't answer when he calls. Instead, busy yourself with your own life.

When you two do talk, don't make mention of getting back together. If he does, tell him that you think a break is a good thing at the moment. Show him, through your strength and calmness that this time you believe that you really can live without him. He won't be expecting this reaction from you and it will show him that you may not want to be his girlfriend anymore.

If you can remain in control of your emotions throughout this and create some emotional distance, he will start to panic. He'll suddenly realize that you do have other options. He'll start to wonder whether he's pushed you away one too many times. Once this happens, he'll be begging you to take him back but the difference will be that this time it will be for good.

[Mabel]

Your boyfriend leaves and comes back over and over. You're so tired of it. It almost feels as though your heart is on the end of a yo-yo string doesn't it? He breaks it only to come back begging you for another chance. You give in, against your better judgment, and the whole thing happens again. You swear this will be the very last time you'll ever take him back, but in the back of your mind you know you're only fooling yourself. It has to stop. You deserve more than what you're getting from the man. The question is do you have the inner strength and insight it takes to make him stop treating you this way and make him start appreciating and valuing you for the treasure you are?

If your boyfriend leaves and comes back more than once, you have to take a stand. Whenever a woman allows a man to constantly dump her and then takes him back she's sending a very loud and unflattering message to him about herself. She's telling him that she's not worth it. A woman who allows this to happen in her relationship is essentially announcing that she sees herself as someone of little value. She'll allow her man to continually disrespect her just because she loves him so much. If you're doing this, your boyfriend has little or no respect for you. He can't because you can't respect yourself much either.

You're better than the way he's treating you. You need to change it now. If you're in the middle of one of your many break ups right now, then there's no time like the present to make a move in a more positive direction. Instead of waiting impatiently for him to tire of whoever else he's seeing now so he'll come back to you, make it known to him that this time you're not going to be there waiting for him. You could tell him that but it's not going to have the same impact as if you show him that.

Call your ex boyfriend up and tell him that you'd like to talk to him. Don't sound melodramatic or angry. Just sound like yourself. Pick a public place in the middle of the afternoon. A coffee shop works great for this. Then get a shopping bag and load it full of the things he left at your place. It can be everything from clothing items to DVDs, to his toothbrush. Whatever belongs to him that you still have in your possession needs to be in that bag. Then show up for the meeting looking amazing.

What you're about to say to your boyfriend will certainly come as a surprise to him because he's just filling in his time until he comes back around. Tell him that you wanted to put the past behind you so you thought he'd appreciate having his things. Then wish him well and leave. You absolutely must be calm and in control when doing this. Don't cry or you'll risk ruining the entire plan. Instead, smile, giggle a bit even and leave without looking back.

Once your boyfriend feels the sting of your rejection, he's going to seriously think about what he's been doing. You've essentially dumped him forever right there on the spot and any man who has lingering feelings for his girl, won't let her get away. He'll come crawling back but this time will be different. This time will be for good.

[Becky]

I want to thank everyone for their helpful advice.

[noura]

you need to break away from him,To Get Him Back

[Zinok]

I`d just ask him upfront, "do you want to be with me." If he says yes, then take actions to be together. If he says yes but then doesn't follow through, he's playing you and you need to cut him from your life. Block his number. Delete him from social media. Make that choice, because you're just holding yourself back from finding love elsewhere if you keep letting him toy with your emotions.
If he says no, then follow the same steps above.

You need to either make a joint effort to truly be together again, and to make things work- effort on BOTH sides. Or you need a complete break so you can move on and find someone who is going to value you and treat you right.

I know it's not easy, but neither is living in the limbo you're stuck in with him.

I wish you luck.