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So, this may be kinda long winded, but to anyone who can bear with me and share any advice they have, it would be greatly appreciated. I am at a loss as to what to do. I'm going to try to give a breakdown of the problematic moments of our marriage.
I am a 30 year old male married to my 30 year old wife. I love this woman with all my heart and I literally have never wanted to be with anyone else in the 10 years we have been together. I know some of you may scoff at that, but this woman is my world, she is everything to me.
So there's a lot of factors at play here you need to know to understand the whole complicated situation. As I said, we've been living together for 10 years, married for about 4. At about year 3 of living together, I woke late at night to find my wife non responsive and with blood pouring out of her mouth. An extremely scary few days and a trip to the ER later, and my love is diagnosed with epilepsy. Anyone familiar with the disease knows it can be a long and arduous process of testing different meds to see what works. Now, my wife has some past issues(abusive men, cold father, she was violently attacked on the street one night in her teenage years) that have always caused her to have periods of depression and anxiety. After diagnosis, and the subsequent year or two of finding the right prescription for her, she was in a deep depression.
Let me say now that both her and I are musicians, and I may be biased, but she is the most incredible singer and songwriter I have ever seen. The epilepsy and the storm of meds initially gave her some real short term memory problems, she had trouble remembering her own lyrics at times, which led to more frustration, depression, and withdrawal in her. It was a huge blow to her stage confidence, and as music is her living, this made her feel very helpless and afraid.
So, I don't want to draw it out, but during the period that followed, we had some of the most horrible fights I could imagine. Her depression was so bad she had some very suicidal nights, including some where I would have to physically restrain her from hurting herself. During these episodes(we later learned that this can be a symptom of epileptic brain activity), she would be violently angry with me. Some of the venomous things she said and did during these fights haunt me to this day. These would often escalate until she collapsed having seizures, and I tried to get her into bed to sleep it off. (For those who don't know, epileptics can have seizures triggered by stress, lack of sleep, bad eating schedule, etc. any number of things can trigger it) The following morning she would barely remember, and would be extremely apologetic and beg forgiveness. I always tried to treat her with compassion and tell her I know it wasn't really her saying those things.
Episodes like these became regular occurrences (maybe once or twice a month? Sometimes multiple time in a week) for probably the next 4 years or so. Up until about year 7. At this point, I think a combo of me trying(and honestly, probably failing) to be patient with all this, the initial shock of diagnoses wearing off, and settling into the appropriate med routine helped these kind of episodes to dwindle and eventually stop. The credit goes to my wife, who also did tremendous amounts of work on herself and facing her issues with family, past events, etc. During this time, we also moved to the neighborhood her parents live in, in the hopes they could grow closer. Things were looking up!
Ok, so for our entire relationship(barring one month long period), I have had full time employment in carpentry and construction. Now as I mentioned, I am also a musician, I am a very passionate drummer, and it is something I can't live without doing(anyone who has some art or skill they love will understand what I mean). I have always worked full time, it's a very physically demanding job, and it gets harder and harder to give my music the time it deserves. Obviously, it was especially hard during this tumultuous time. Somewhere around year 7-8, without realizing it, I slipped into a deep depression. It felt like just when she started to do okay, I collapsed from trying to be the support those past years, and not really paying any attention to myself, except to self medicate(just pot and beer, but still, it became all about shutting down my feelings, whereas before it was more social). I withdrew from most of my musical projects, stopped responding to friends, and didn't play a live gig for over a year. This after being someone who gigged at least once or twice a week since I was 15-16.
So, fast forward to now, I haven't been any kind of husband to her the last couple years, and I know it. I just feel like I'm in the bottom of a hole and I can't see any way to get out. I don't even get enjoyment from music now, it just becomes a reminder of my failings when I try to play. I've also been developing a lot of anxiety (we are both born and raised in a huge city) and am having trouble coping with the speed and volume of people in my city in a way I've never felt before.
So I haven't been emotionally meeting her needs, to say the least. About 6 months ago, she got a gig working with a musical group that includes some mutual friends. I've always tried to be really supportive of any projects she has, because I believe in her, and I know she is immensely talented. I've noticed a lot of distance between us, and I know I haven't been there for her in the way I need to, which is a common topic of conversation now. I ask her last night several times if something is going on, and she finally admits to me that she thinks she's in love with one of the guys in the new group. Someone we both know. Someone who has also told her that he thinks he loves her. Someone who is also married.
I want to point out now, that while there has been a lot of tumult and medical drama in our relationship, we have both always had boundless love for each other, she has always been incredibly loving, empathetic, kind, my best friend in the world. Our sex is amazing, and I'm pretty sure there isn't a problem there, except that the past year or two (due to the depression) I have not had much sex drive, or any other kind of drive for that matter.
So she says she still loves me, wants to work it out, wants to go to counseling. They have never done anything physical at all, and she has given me no reason not to trust that, but I am just heartbroken. I also somewhat feel like, I helped her when she was low, and she went looking for something more fulfilling when I was low. Maybe that's a selfish thought, as its not really a competition. Also, for the record, I have never been remotely physically or verbally abusive to her, not even in my lowest points, it's just not the kind of household I grew up in.
So obviously, this woman is my life. She is everything to me, and I want to try to fix it. My problem is, will I ever feel confident about the way she feels again? How do we move forward, she has tons of paying gigs coming up with this group, how can I say I don't want her to see him and not have her resent me for asking her to pass on good paying work? I'm so hurt and confused. Not to mention, the reckless teen in me who grew up running city streets just wants to commit horrible violent acts on this guy. I'm fighting with restraining that part of me, but the emotional side of me is crushed. This was the one remaining thing in my world that I felt like wasn't killing me. I've betrayed and neglected my instrument and gifts, my father is wasting away with a degenerative illness, I barely see them because that's too much for me to bear(and we now live farther away), I hate the job I go to every day, I can't stand the skin crawling feeling of the press of bodies commuting, and I'm now smoking way more than I can afford just to get through the day. I started a mild anti anxiety med regime about 6 months ago but it's hard to tell if it's helping. I'm so lost. If I wasn't such a coward I'd probably kill myself. Also, my mothers father killed himself when she was a teen, and I would never do that to her(so don't worry). I just really wish I didn't exist. I begged last night to just not wake up, but here I am. Somebody please help or advise. I feel like I'm falling apart. I already didn't know how to face the next day, and now this...
I am a 30 year old male married to my 30 year old wife. I love this woman with all my heart and I literally have never wanted to be with anyone else in the 10 years we have been together. I know some of you may scoff at that, but this woman is my world, she is everything to me.
So there's a lot of factors at play here you need to know to understand the whole complicated situation. As I said, we've been living together for 10 years, married for about 4. At about year 3 of living together, I woke late at night to find my wife non responsive and with blood pouring out of her mouth. An extremely scary few days and a trip to the ER later, and my love is diagnosed with epilepsy. Anyone familiar with the disease knows it can be a long and arduous process of testing different meds to see what works. Now, my wife has some past issues(abusive men, cold father, she was violently attacked on the street one night in her teenage years) that have always caused her to have periods of depression and anxiety. After diagnosis, and the subsequent year or two of finding the right prescription for her, she was in a deep depression.
Let me say now that both her and I are musicians, and I may be biased, but she is the most incredible singer and songwriter I have ever seen. The epilepsy and the storm of meds initially gave her some real short term memory problems, she had trouble remembering her own lyrics at times, which led to more frustration, depression, and withdrawal in her. It was a huge blow to her stage confidence, and as music is her living, this made her feel very helpless and afraid.
So, I don't want to draw it out, but during the period that followed, we had some of the most horrible fights I could imagine. Her depression was so bad she had some very suicidal nights, including some where I would have to physically restrain her from hurting herself. During these episodes(we later learned that this can be a symptom of epileptic brain activity), she would be violently angry with me. Some of the venomous things she said and did during these fights haunt me to this day. These would often escalate until she collapsed having seizures, and I tried to get her into bed to sleep it off. (For those who don't know, epileptics can have seizures triggered by stress, lack of sleep, bad eating schedule, etc. any number of things can trigger it) The following morning she would barely remember, and would be extremely apologetic and beg forgiveness. I always tried to treat her with compassion and tell her I know it wasn't really her saying those things.
Episodes like these became regular occurrences (maybe once or twice a month? Sometimes multiple time in a week) for probably the next 4 years or so. Up until about year 7. At this point, I think a combo of me trying(and honestly, probably failing) to be patient with all this, the initial shock of diagnoses wearing off, and settling into the appropriate med routine helped these kind of episodes to dwindle and eventually stop. The credit goes to my wife, who also did tremendous amounts of work on herself and facing her issues with family, past events, etc. During this time, we also moved to the neighborhood her parents live in, in the hopes they could grow closer. Things were looking up!
Ok, so for our entire relationship(barring one month long period), I have had full time employment in carpentry and construction. Now as I mentioned, I am also a musician, I am a very passionate drummer, and it is something I can't live without doing(anyone who has some art or skill they love will understand what I mean). I have always worked full time, it's a very physically demanding job, and it gets harder and harder to give my music the time it deserves. Obviously, it was especially hard during this tumultuous time. Somewhere around year 7-8, without realizing it, I slipped into a deep depression. It felt like just when she started to do okay, I collapsed from trying to be the support those past years, and not really paying any attention to myself, except to self medicate(just pot and beer, but still, it became all about shutting down my feelings, whereas before it was more social). I withdrew from most of my musical projects, stopped responding to friends, and didn't play a live gig for over a year. This after being someone who gigged at least once or twice a week since I was 15-16.
So, fast forward to now, I haven't been any kind of husband to her the last couple years, and I know it. I just feel like I'm in the bottom of a hole and I can't see any way to get out. I don't even get enjoyment from music now, it just becomes a reminder of my failings when I try to play. I've also been developing a lot of anxiety (we are both born and raised in a huge city) and am having trouble coping with the speed and volume of people in my city in a way I've never felt before.
So I haven't been emotionally meeting her needs, to say the least. About 6 months ago, she got a gig working with a musical group that includes some mutual friends. I've always tried to be really supportive of any projects she has, because I believe in her, and I know she is immensely talented. I've noticed a lot of distance between us, and I know I haven't been there for her in the way I need to, which is a common topic of conversation now. I ask her last night several times if something is going on, and she finally admits to me that she thinks she's in love with one of the guys in the new group. Someone we both know. Someone who has also told her that he thinks he loves her. Someone who is also married.
I want to point out now, that while there has been a lot of tumult and medical drama in our relationship, we have both always had boundless love for each other, she has always been incredibly loving, empathetic, kind, my best friend in the world. Our sex is amazing, and I'm pretty sure there isn't a problem there, except that the past year or two (due to the depression) I have not had much sex drive, or any other kind of drive for that matter.
So she says she still loves me, wants to work it out, wants to go to counseling. They have never done anything physical at all, and she has given me no reason not to trust that, but I am just heartbroken. I also somewhat feel like, I helped her when she was low, and she went looking for something more fulfilling when I was low. Maybe that's a selfish thought, as its not really a competition. Also, for the record, I have never been remotely physically or verbally abusive to her, not even in my lowest points, it's just not the kind of household I grew up in.
So obviously, this woman is my life. She is everything to me, and I want to try to fix it. My problem is, will I ever feel confident about the way she feels again? How do we move forward, she has tons of paying gigs coming up with this group, how can I say I don't want her to see him and not have her resent me for asking her to pass on good paying work? I'm so hurt and confused. Not to mention, the reckless teen in me who grew up running city streets just wants to commit horrible violent acts on this guy. I'm fighting with restraining that part of me, but the emotional side of me is crushed. This was the one remaining thing in my world that I felt like wasn't killing me. I've betrayed and neglected my instrument and gifts, my father is wasting away with a degenerative illness, I barely see them because that's too much for me to bear(and we now live farther away), I hate the job I go to every day, I can't stand the skin crawling feeling of the press of bodies commuting, and I'm now smoking way more than I can afford just to get through the day. I started a mild anti anxiety med regime about 6 months ago but it's hard to tell if it's helping. I'm so lost. If I wasn't such a coward I'd probably kill myself. Also, my mothers father killed himself when she was a teen, and I would never do that to her(so don't worry). I just really wish I didn't exist. I begged last night to just not wake up, but here I am. Somebody please help or advise. I feel like I'm falling apart. I already didn't know how to face the next day, and now this...
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