What If She Moves Away?

[John]

I was in a 3.5 year relationship with a wonderful girl. We had to go long distance as she moved to the Midwest for her MBA program and I moved to Philly for work.

She broke up with me just one month into the long-distance relationship (because I did not lead in the LDR).

As I create abundance by digesting your programs and getting into online dating in my new town, I would however like to keep her as an option in the future and she seems open to something after school.

She wants to "support each other" through her schooling and my new job. We've had no contact for 5 weeks.

How would you handle contact with her? None at all? Friendly conversation on occasion?

What are your thoughts on LD relationships given that the girl and I to begin had 3.5 relationship that was not LD?

I believe I have made the fundamental changes to make the LD relationship work.

I think there is a possibility that we will get back together.

What are your thoughts on rekindling with an ex that does not live in my town?

Appreciate your insights.

[Dennis]

Hello John:

First of all, you're quite welcome.

My take on what you've shared is very simple. I don't think you've been prioritizing this woman as if she's your one-and-only.

3 1/2 years is a long, long time not to put a ring on her finger if you truly see long-term potential for her. Then, when you had mutually exclusive opportunities that took you to different parts of the country you both, well...took them.

When people are absolutely nuts over each other they'll do what it takes to be together, and voluntarily entering into an LDR would be a non-option.

While I fully understand both you and she likely had great things going on in Philly and the Midwest respectively that you felt you couldn't pass up, you clearly chose those opportunities over each other.

Simply put, putting job and career ahead of those you love is never the way to strengthen relationships. Sure, you must have ambition and purpose in order to attract a high quality woman, but ultimately the people you love have to come first.

Just to be clear, can you see the difference there between that and actually making her your actual ambition and purpose?

The point isn't that you should have given up your career dreams to be with her, but rather that the two of you didn't communicate, plan and work together to meet each other's needs in a way that allowed the two of you to be together.

The leadership role in making that happen was (and still is) yours. She was (and possibly still is) waiting for YOU to call the shots.

Ultimately, since the decision to create a separation of hundreds of miles between you has happened on your watch, you've reaffirmed in her mind that you weren't ever likely to make her your wife and love her forever.

So, in effect, it's not so much that you didn't lead in the LDR, it's more the fact that you did lead into the LDR. If you think about it that way, you can readily see how that can't exactly be confidence inspiring for her.

For the purposes at hand I'm going to assume you've already confirmed that she is NOT with some other guy already.

Notwithstanding that, if you truly want this woman, you'll drive to wherever she is with a ring and tell her that you can't imagine life without her in it.

Then you'll sit down and have an honest talk about where it makes most sense to live.

That talk should have happened before she ever even applied for school, so let me tell you right now: at this point it's probably going to be where SHE is. Prepare to own that one yourself and take the lead in being the one who moves.

Ultimately, when a woman loves you she needs you to LEAD. That leadership works in a way that has the woman's best interest at heart, but--importantly--also comes from a position of strength rather than weakness.

I'm sure that at this point what I'm suggesting might sound like you're actually giving your power away.

Actually, the opposite is true. What you'd be doing is taking responsibility for getting into this mess to begin with, and taking the proverbial bull by the horns to get out of it.

You see, we're not talking about approaching women or first dates here. This is a woman you've had an established relationship with who's been literally waiting around for you to make a decision for her or not.

If the decision's for her, you'll make a bold move...not unlike what you often see at the end of movies.

But here's the thing. I'm not at all convinced that's the way you really want to go.

You've already let the move away from each other happen, then the breakup.

And now you've let five weeks go without talking to her at all.

You've also gotten your hands on ODD2 and sound pretty stoked to meet all the hotties you can in your new city.

Similarly, guys who are all about building a great relationship with a certain woman don't talk in terms of "keeping her as an option in the future". And I'm sure she's not exactly interested in waiting around as you explore other ones.

Ultimately, despite how touching a story the two of you would have to tell your kids and grandkids someday if you went and swept her off her feet, I strongly suspect that the RIGHT decision for both of you would be to move on.

But only YOU can decide.

So which is it? Are you genuinely excited about meeting new women online or wherever else they may be? Or is your true desire to be with this one woman?

Obviously, it can't be both. The point is that YOU lead, but you've got to go in one direction or another. In this case, doing nothing would NOT be leadership.

If she's The One, go get her. If she's not, it's time for closure.

If it's the latter, pick up the phone and either tell her it's really over or that you'll "just be friends", whichever you think is most fitting.

It's up to you to make the call, but definitely make the call...if you get my drift.

[John]

Thanks for your advice Dennis.