Did i mess it up?

[vishalsahay]

I went no contact on my boyfriend and he kept texting me to which i would reply. When i finally asked him what he wants, he said that he wants to be friends. I told him that if he doesn’t want to be with me, then i can’t be friends with him. I told him that we both need time to heal so its best that we don’t stay friends. I really love him back and i am on my 7th day of no contact. Should i not have said about not being friends. Should I continue no contact? Or should i just give up?

[John]

You didn't mess up, you told him the right thing. If you agree to be friends with him, then you will remain friends with him forever. So, continue with your no contact.

[Barry]

You know going through a breakup is hard. As you are left with a broken heart and the choice of deciding whether or not you should stay friends with your ex boyfriend. You may already have a few reasons as to why you should or shouldn't. But I think there is only one good reason.

I'll reveal what that good reason is. But first, here is a list of four bad reasons for wanting to remain friends with your ex.

Bad reason #1: You think it's the right thing to do (feelings of guilt)

Not all breakups are going to have a sour ending. Yours may have ended on good terms. So it seems cruel to just drop him altogether. No contact. No friendship. Just a distant memory.

Plus, you've invested a lot of time in the relationship. All those months or years that you've spent together. How could you let go of this person completely? To be a stranger to your ex when you've gone though so much, seems to be wrong. And if you don't remain friends, you'll feel guilty. As if it's your duty as a post couple to at least remain friends.

In any case, the thinking is about him and how not being friends may hurt his feelings.

Your heart is in the right place. But your concerns should be about yourself. You need to be a little selfish in taking care of you first. And that means, not thinking about what would be right for your ex. But what would be right for you.

Really, the right thing to do is doing what is right for you.

Bad reason #2: Needing comfort and support

This is a trap that is hard not to fall into. You know it's not right, but you still can't help yourself. There's the bond that you two have formed during your relationship. And completely breaking that is hard to do. So you'll find yourself wanting to feel the comfort of your former partners arms wrapped around you as you process the breakup.

Also, the fear of moving on and dating someone new can make you fall back into your comfort zone.

Some people have the idea that you can get comfort from each other while they find someone new. Gradually letting go, by remaining friends. But if one does move on and leave the other behind. The pain of the breakup can be further deepened and jealousy may ensue.

Then there's getting comfort from the ex by means of sex. It becomes a sort of stress relief. To let out all the pent-up emotions and feelings. It's really easy to just use each other for sex. But there are complications with that since you were once a couple. And it may start to mean more than just sex for one of you.

Overall, holding on to your ex as a friend for comfort and support is a bad reason as you will only hurt each other all over again as one of you will move on.

Bad reason #3: Ex asks you to remain friends

This is when your ex says, "We need to talk. You know I still love you but... blah blah blah... I still want us to be friends... "

That's when everything fades into the background. You can faintly hear him say how you will be friends forever. That he'll always be there for you. It's all so sudden, that you are unable to reply in the moment. But your silence becomes a nod of assent to being friends...

Well, maybe your situation didn't unfold exactly this way when you were asked to be friends. But it's something along the lines of him saying that he wants to be friends for life.

But in whose interest is it to remain friends?

If being friends with your ex is not in your interest. Then you should let him know. You really have no obligation to be friends after a breakup. You both got out of the relationship what you could get out of it. And now that it is over there is nothing owed.

If you find yourself in this situation. You can let him know that you are not ready to be friends at the moment. That you need time for yourself to heal. And you'll contact him sometime when you are ready. He should respect that. If not, don't let him coerce you into something that is not right for you.

After a breakup. It's all about you and what is in your interest.

Bad reason #4: Hoping to get back together

You know it's over but inside you still hold onto that small sliver of hope.

Hoping, that somehow you'll patch things up and everything will be alright. That you'll get back together. So becoming friends becomes a means to getting your ex back.

But is it a bad thing to want to your ex back?

I think, it really depends on your situation. But a couple of problems with the staying friends "strategy" is that it doesn't give you time to re-evaluate your relationship - to understand the causes of the breakup. So you can rebuild your relationship on firmer grounds.

And it doesn't give you time to become more appealing to him since you are still in contact with your ex. It doesn't give him the chance to notice the (good) changes. Sorta like a co-worker you work with every day. There's something different but you can't put your finger on it until you ask, "Chris, you look different. Did you grow out your hair?"

"My name is not Chris anymore. It's Christina!"

Likewise, your ex will not notice the changes, unless there is some time apart. So completely breaking contact with your ex (not staying friends) is essential in moving towards reconciliation. As counter-intuitive as it may sound.

The only good reason: Helps you to move forward

Basically, the only good reason to have him around as a friend, is if he helps you to move forward in life.

Such as helping you to achieve your dreams and goals. Or helping you to always progress. Pushing you, and motivating you, to accomplish the things that you want in life.

And that means that he doesn't hold you back. You don't want an ex, as a friend, that pulls you back into the past and the past drama. So if your ex can help you move forward, then this would be the only good reason for having him around as a friend.

If not, it's time to sever ties with your ex.

[Shirley]

So you just heard those words "We can still be friends" and you hang onto those words like they're a safety harness being thrown over a cliff to stop you from falling.

As much as you want to hang onto those words and say Yes!

Don't.

Something is not better than nothing.

The glimmer of hope in thinking that you get to stay in his life is not your safety harness, but the noose around your relationship's neck.

You do not want to be relegated to the category of "friends." Where he gets to keep in touch, perhaps moving over to the category of "friends with benefits" every now and then.

There's little chance you can go from lover to friends back to lover.

That's like trying to make a comfy pair of slippers turn into sexy stilettos. It ain't going to happen.

If you want to stay in his life by being friends just to keep the connection up, so you can influence him, or keep track of what he's doing, then don't.

You will only get hurt.

You will see him move on, with the security of you being his buddy, into new relationships and you will only get twisted into jealous knots.

You need to value yourself enough to say "No, sorry I don't want to be friends."

You valued the relationship enough to not lessen it by going to that comfy half way point.

He either wants you or he doesn't.

So make him want you.

Make him see you as those sexy stilettos and not the comfy slippers. You're not his security blanket to venture out from. He needs to feel what it's like out there without you as a safety net.

So stop pretending that you're OK with him calling the "friends" shots.

[vishalsahay]

It’s actually a little more twisted than that. When i went no contact the first time, he kept texting me and i would keep replying. We met up and i asked him if he wants to be with me. We were both crying a lot. Two days later we talked again abd then he finally concluded that he doesn’t want to be with me saying we are incompatible. I couldn’t believe that i almost begged him to be with me. This is the first time i have done something like that for anyone. I was just very emotional at that moment. I am sure he must be thinking that I am a pathetic loser and that’s why I don’t think he will come back again, though I really want him to. The rejection second time was much more hurtful than the first time. I really didn’t understand why he came back if he didn’t want to be with me. He said he wanted to be friends. Also, i think one of his friends, who he has had a fling with in the past, must be influencing him to not be with me as our breakup involved a conversation about him when my ex told me that I don’t care about his ex who is homeless and drug addict. My ex never shared or introduced me to him, also they have a past, and they stayed in touch a lot, that’s why I didn’t like him. I am sure he is influencing him to not be with me. I am in no contact again but not sure it will work this time.

[Shirley]

I am in no contact again but not sure it will work this time.

If you have done all you can to make him come back and it's not working, it's probably time to move on with grace. I know it's easier said than done, but you must move on with your life and be happy again. Everyday is an opportunity to meet a better person.

Good luck!