To Answer or Not To Answer?

[scotgal2017]

Hi I have posted a couple of times but need a bit of advice on how to handle this situation.

Was married for 17 years, 2 kids and OH decided he wanted to leave end of July as we argue all the time. He told me he still loves me but he can't live with me. Since then he has moved out. and we have been separated for nearly 3 months now. Initially I said we could be friends as I didn't want him to leave my life completely but a week later I said we weren't friends and it is something we would have to work on to eventually be friendly again. I said I would be civil and he said civil sounded cold.

He had asked me for a lift to airport (he works away) and some people elsewhere advised me to tell him I was busy (which I did) as he was taking the mickey of my always being there.

Since then I have had a couple of online sessions with a psychotherapist to try and sort myself out (I had a bad childhood which I have never had therapy for). She asked me to write a letter to him but send it to her. This letter was hard to write, made me cry and it was sad to see that this letter contained so many negatives and one positive thing about my OH. Writing the letter made me angry as I realised from writing it that he has basically thrown our marriage away over 3 things that could be solved with hard work and counselling. (I had asked him not long after the breakup what he would change about the relationship and he said: not arguing about the same things every time, having an interest in what each other does and not talking to each other like we can’t stand each other). He had said to me that making this decision after a total of 20 years together was hard. In my current state of mind I find that hard to believe - if it was too hard you wouldn't have been able to make the decision.

I feel I have to concentrate on getting me changed and in a healthier frame of mind, and so I am trying to do this "No Contact" that I have heard so much about. Obviously having kids and bills this is a harder option but I am limiting contact to about these 2 things only.

He has asked me a couple of times how I am and how I am doing, the last time being 4 days ago. I have not responded due to the No Contact and also because at the moment I feel like my life is none of his damn business!!He lost the right to know how I am or what I am personally doing the day he walked out the door. He has now sent me another message today which says "Is there something wrong, i thought we were okay". How do I respond to this if at all? Do I stay silent on this? Do I make out I'm as happy as larry? Do I say my life is none of your business, stick to talk about kids and bills? Do I say what do you think you pr****, you left me and the kids and are walking out on our marriage when it can be fixed?

Any thoughts and input would be appreciated. I eventually hope that we may get back together but at the moment I am still so annoyed with him and I want to focus on me.

[Brett]

I will suggest you respond whenever he contacts you to find out how you are doing. However, you must keep it short and tell him not to bother about you too much, but rather bother about his kids. The fact is that, ignoring him completely will make you lose him for good. If you still keep the lines of communication open with him, then you both are likely to come back together again.

[Vivian]

I completely understand how you are feeling. I felt the same way. I became so frustrated with being the only one who cared about our separation that I eventually just checked out for a while. Afterward, husband eventually got with the program and then I had a choice to make.

Things To Consider: Here is a consideration that really helped. I was able to look at my own actions. I got so deflated by calling and getting no response, that I eventually checked out. After a while, I gave up. Well, now my husband was in the same situation. Could I really expect him to keep calling when I did not? And did I really want him to stop trying?

The answer was absolutely no. Think about it. If you have two people who are both trying to prove a point, you might end up with two people who never reconnect. If you don't put an end to the stalemate, it may become permanent. This may be OK if your marriage is no longer important to you. But if it is, not speaking for extended periods of time can be quite a risk. Things tend to get more and more awkward and it can be harder to jump back in the longer the silence is present.

Compromise Can Be Key And Can Allow You Both To Get What You Want: After thinking on this for a bit and having the silence eat away at me, I decided that a compromise was in order. In the beginning of my separation, I clearly overdid things. I was ready to jump the instant my husband snapped his fingers and this did nothing to encourage him to be respectful and reliable.

So it wasn't a bad idea to sometimes not be available each and every time he called. But it was just a bad idea to NEVER talk to him. So I did start talking and texting. But, because I'd started to create a balance and didn't act so desperate, things improved. I don't think you have to jump to answer the phone each and every time.

But if you want to save your marriage, you should certainly answer it some or most of the time. Because if you are going to reconcile, you need to communicate. You need to get comfortable with one another again. You need to reestablish the trust, laugh again, and start to restore some of that intimacy.

None of this is going to be possible if you never communicate. Plus, restoring the communication is usually the first step in begin to date each other again. It's difficult for one thing to exist without the other.

So while I completely understand why you may want to let the phone ring and the texts go unanswered, I don't think that you want to do this indefinitely. He's now reaching out to you, which is exactly what you wanted. But there is a point where you can take things too far. Consider seeing what he has to say. See how things go. And if you feel taken for granted, you can always take a step back. But he is your husband. And he's reaching out to you. If your marriage is still important to you, I think it may pay to see what he has to say.

[David]

I think that before I attempt to answer this, I want to stress that the appropriate path to take here is going to hugely depend on what you ultimately want the outcome to be. If you really don't care what happens with your marriage and you aren't ever going to be able to trust your husband again, then allowing your true feelings of anger to come out isn't going to be that great of a concern. But, if you think that you are hopeful (or at least open) about the future of your marriage, then you will want to take some extra care, which leads me to my next point.

You Don't Have To Lie About How You Really Feel, But It Is A Good Idea To Act In A Way That Allows An Open Ended Future: I am not going to tell you that you need to embrace your husband despite his deplorable behavior or that you need to lie about how you really feel. Your feelings are valid. You have the right to them. And they are justified. But, you have to think about your long term goals.

And, if you allow your anger to lead your behaviors, you are likely to approach your husband with behaviors that are angry, resentful, and closed off. And even if it is not your intention, you could be giving your husband the message that your anger at him is more prevalent than your love for him. If you want to save your marriage, then this may be something that you want to carefully consider.

Now, I'm not going to tell you that you need to act in a fake, sweet way that obviously isn't genuine. Your husband knows that you are angry with him. So pretending that you are not doesn't really do you any good and it just makes your husband question how genuine this whole process is.

That's why I believe that there is usually a medium between allowing your genuine feelings out without any hesitation and acting in such a way that doesn't jeopardize the future of your marriage, should you eventually decide that you might want to save it.

Not Hiding Your Disappointment While Being Receptive To Future Changes: It was pretty clear that this wife wanted to keep her future options open. She knew that at some point, she may want to forgive her husband and save her marriage. She also knew that it was important that her future actions were in alignment with this. But, she didn't want to behave like a hypocrite and pretend to be nice to husband when she was feeling anything but nice.

I think that it is both acceptable and authentic for your husband to know that you are very disappointed in and angry about his behavior. But it is very important to separate the behavior from the person so that your anger doesn't feel personal. You can be angry at your spouse without believing that your spouse is a deplorable person who can never be redeemed. That is the real difference.

You can be disappointed in him but still believe in him enough that you'd be willing to save the marriage if you saw some rehabilitation and some remorse. That, to me is the distinction. So to answer the original concern, I believe that you can be nice to your husband during the separation because you are trying to leave the future open. But this doesn't mean that you also have to be fake or to pretend that you aren't angry and disappointed. There is room for all of those feelings and behaviors as long as you are clear on the fact that ultimately, you want to work this out. And, as long as you remember that people (your husband included) will not be as receptive to you if you are abrasive and angry.