14 days NC - and now i am about to cave and reach out - knowing it is wrong. DIT

[aquaman83]

I am 34 years old, and I had my fair of the dating scene. A lot of my friends live through me, and my stories. One even went as far as I am a hank moody type. (I wouldn't go that far - and that person doesn't see my insecurities and flaws)

So I was dating this amazing person for about 2 months. A month in, she was looking at my phone. Saw two messages from other girls about confirming dates. **I know a few of you will make comments on this, if she is so amazing; then why were you still dating other people. Part was a month in, and I developed feelings and felt like it was to soon to feel like this. I wanted to know if i liked her because of the sex, or, attention. So I wanted to gauge my feelings, because in the past i rushed into things way too fast. **

I had explained it to her, and she said its fine you can date whoever you want. but she was hurt by this, kind of briefly said so. I noticed after that point, she flaked (said something about making plans with her cousin)

I got needy. I got attached. I messed up. (its ok that i did, and as long as you learn from it)

she broke things off - saying we have amazing chemistry (mental/physical) and basically i felt like it was almost not genuine with how many compliments - and says she has a gut feeling this wont work out.

She ended it. I didn't beg, and closest i got to it was well why dont we put a pin in for a month and see what happens. and she said she has the habit of strining things on too long.

So fast forward, 5 days later - i didnt like how we left and ended. She sounded more excited to hear from me. Couple days later I hit her up (she said i can still contact her) we made plans

We went out for trivia, weird at first, and came closer at the end. Then i walked her home she invited me up to stay the night and we had sex 3 times.

I hit her up in the morning about our place in the trivia and found a photo of us. She sounded excited. She messaged me later that night, and the following day..

i hit her up over that weekend and made plans for tuesday.

She sent me a message a couple hours before our date?

hey, i've been thinking a lot lately and i feel guilty and bad about jumping back into this. I'm not really sure what i want right now and i don't want to drag you along for the ride. I think it's best if we cancel for tonight. I know i shouldnt of commited to our plan feeling like this but i have been having this internal battle w myself everyday and i feel like this is for the best.

I responded, Thank you for your honesty. You have my number if things change.

It will be 14 days, no contact.

I want to reach out, I want to converse, i want to get back together.

but I know, I cannot keep calling her, I know It is not a good idea, and I know if i do reach out - it will only lower my image to her.

I thought about writing a letter, and mailing it. Not today, I was kind of waiting until the 30th (least favorite day of the year - anniversary of my dad passing) and seeing if she would reach out.
If she doesn't just to say hey was thinking of you.... i know today or something about that day.... but if i dont hear form her - then i know she doesnt care.

Then I was going to write a letter, not to beg. basically say how i felt, and how actually in the grand scheme of things - i handled this break up the best out of everyone i had? and i been focusing on myself... however i cannot get over this girl..

<end rant>

[Paul]

It will be better if you continue your no contact for at least 30 days before you think of contacting her. The fact is that, the more you stay away from contacting her, the more the chances of her missing you and eventually increases your opportunity to get her back.

[Julia]

If you take a step back into the realm of logic you quickly realize that your ex girlfriend is not going to want to have much to do with you if you are an emotional mess who can't leave her alone.

If you want her back you need to think about the notion of contacting her to discuss the split and the possibility of getting back together. You need to seriously think about it before you act on impulse and do it. A great rule of thumb to follow is to make a promise to yourself that you won't try and contact her in any way for at least two weeks. If you can hold out and make it three weeks or even longer, that's better. You really need to put some distance between the break up and hearing from you. You want all those emotions that were at the surface during the split to settle. If you approach her before that, she's not going to respond favorably to you at all.

So what do you say once you do contact your ex girlfriend? Don't start talking about what went wrong that led to the split. Never talk about the idea of getting back together at this stage. Instead you want to ask her how she is and what she's been up to. Out of courtesy or hopefully concern she'll also want to know how you are. Be friendly but hold back. Don't tell her that you've been thinking about her every moment of the day. Instead talk about something positive and productive that you've been up to. At this point your goal has to be to establish a friendship with her. From there you can work at rebuilding the romantic feelings that were once there. Never lose sight of the fact that if she fell in love with you once, you can make it happen all over again.

[Olivia]

Actually, there are quite a few effective ways to initiate contact with a resistant ex lover or spouse. We will focus on just one of them... by leaving a message.

You want to get your ex back, right? One way to approach your ex partner especially if she/he is being very resistant is to call and leave a message. The message should be to the point and not over emotional. After a break up, some people need space and time to think about what they want; it is highly advised that you give your ex partner at least a month to do this. If you want to get your ex back you shouldn't try to rush things as it usually backfires.

During this month you need to take some time out and focus on yourself. You need heal at least to some degree. It is only then you may be ready to call.

He/she may not answer so you need to be prepared for that, and in a way this is better as you can get your message through without either getting into another argument or getting too over emotional. Our emotions are funny things at the best of times but when a crisis happens our emotions can go into overdrive. You say things you don't mean and this can lead to further problems making you further apart from your goal than you were to begin with.

If you want a chance to get your ex back you should really think about what you are going to say before you call as phoning on impromptu is a very bad idea. The most likely you will ramble and your emotions will take over.

Write down everything that you want to say. Then cut that down by half, as you can save some things for when you both do get to chat face to face. What you need to put together to say in your message needs to be intriguing enough for your ex partner to take the bait and call you back.

Think about what your partner needs to hear from you, you have been together for a while so you should know what buttons to press with them. Take advantage of this fact, combine that with a short but to the point message and you will be guaranteed a return call as curiosity will make her/him call. Here is a sample message for you to take a look at and take some inspiration from:

"Hi (insert your partners name here), I'm calling you because I want to apologize for what I said to you last time. I know that you probably don't want to talk to me right now and I understand that you need some space. I respect that. You were right that the break-up, we both needed to move on. You were the one who realised it first. I will always remember these special moments we shared together. I wish that we could meet sometime for a coffee but there is so much going on in my life right now. I apologize once again"

Arousing curiosity in your ex partner mind is the most important step to getting your ex back. As you can see from the example above you are apologizing for your actions and accepting that your ex has feelings too. By doing this you are showing her/him that you are being reasonable and understanding.

You are also removing a source of the conflict which existed between you two... you are actually creating a new fresh perspective for a future relationship.