I need serious advice. I have no one to turn to.

[J16]

Right well I’ve never done this before but I have no one I feel I can speak to about this, and I can’t bottle any of this up any more. I don’t have any friends who are close enough for me talk to. Any friends I once had I’ve isolated. I need help. Let me start with this:

I’m a terrible person.

Let me give you some info and background to prove it to you. Im a 20 y/o male, and ive been dating the most perfect woman for the last five years. We met in secondary school, and after six months of talking we started dating. After she rejected me twice though, ill add. No surprises there, id reject me. Im not attractive in the slightest, im overweight, short, im balding (yep, at 20) and im ugly. Doesnt help that im a sensitive bitch, either. My only redeeming quality is that i can be funny on occasion. Thats about it.

Now I love this girl. I’ve been with her so long I cant even dream of a world where we aren’t together. She’s my soulmate. We planned our wedding, our lives, everything. Even down to the wedding dress she’ll wear in five years time, and the icing we’ll have on our cake.

Whats the problem you might ask? Everything sounds great for you two? Me.

I’m self destructive and hate myself, but more importantly im a complete and utter CUNT. (Excuse my language.) But that isn’t the half of it. Our relationship for the first year was great. We used to kiss, hug, and talk all the time. But we never had sex, and it was really difficult for me. Another year passed. We still didn’t have sex. Two years of foreplay, with no sexual contact. By this point you could say i was pretty frustrated. I started turning to the internet, speaking to other women who’d send me nude pictures and message me erotic messages, and id play along. Finally half way through the second year, she wanted to try and have sex. Probably because by this point i was literally begging. Strangely though, she didnt want vaginal sex. Only anal. To this day, we’ve only ever had vaginal sex about three times.

For a year and a half things were great. We had sex, even if it was just anal and nothing else, we talked, saw eachother loads. But then half way through our fourh year together everything begun to go fuckup. I might add however that She stopped kissing me properly in our second year together which i found really quite odd? I rarely get kisses now at all. But anyway fourth year, our relationship was strained. I was disillusioned and to tell you the truth i was really confused. I dont know how to describe what we have. I started speaking to other women again, and this time she found out and accused me of cheating. Rightly so, too. But she didn’t want to break up. We carried on. Until finally this year i broke. I went on a lads holiday to amsterdam and I slept with a prositute. It was crap, and looking back on it I regret it ALOT. It definitely changed my perspective on sex. She doesn’t know, though. Five months on, here I am speaking on this forum. Lost.

I love her, but I can’t even understand my emotions let alone deal with them. I cant imagine a life without her because she’s had such a major impact on my life. She’s been apart of me for a quarter of my time alive. But now I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to break up, but I can’t. She wants sex but not vaginal. She wants to be together but makes no effort to see me. She doesnt want to kiss, but she does want to hug. She wants to live together but she says its not the right time to move in. (i dont even understand that logic we’ve been together half a decade?) It doesn’t help we’re both at different Unis and very busy. Im in a constant state of change. One moment im extatic the next I want to kill myself.

I don’t know how to live like this. Im disgusted by myself, and im disgusted by the thing i want so badly. Love.

Im at wits end, and I don’t know what to think, do, say, or believe. I want to break up with her but I can’t imagine a life without her. I want to be with different people, I want to have other relationships. But she has shaped me and I will never find anyone else, either. I’m lost. And the worst thing is? If I left her, it’d crush her. She’d be devastated. She’s already told me she’d kill herself if I broke up with her. I feel like I’m going insane. Ontop of it all, I know I’m going to have to break up with her one day because we have completely different goals for the future. I feel like our relationship has an expiry date, that only I know about.

Sorry about the long post. Advice would be greatly appreciated, because I don’t even know what to do. Thanks.

Sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this, and I’m sorry that it’s very rambly. I had to just type my thoughts as they came. What I’m asking for is advice from where to go on from here.

J.

[Sandra]

To accept yourself love yourself is the chosen direction you take that is real. What really is a choice? It can only reflect some uncertainty as to what you are.

As you practice self acceptance by asking for Guidance and hearing the Voice for God, you will have no questions about your oneness because there is no thought, other than the One Thought that sustains you.

Where there is no choice, there is no doubt that can deeply root itself.

It's awakening to the Light of Who you are. It is knowing the answer to, "what am I?"

" What or who am I?" How could you even be able to ask yourself this question, except for the fact that you don't recognize yourself? Only refusing to accept yourself as you are could make this question be bothersome to you.

Going within is where you will accept Atonement, or we may say "Awakening". Yes, it's bringing the Light of truth to illusion and where inner conflict made by falsehood fades away.

To accept yourself love yourself is the undoing of our separated thought system called ego which thinks we are separate from God. The Atonement is where you will witness it happening. How is it that you accept Atonement?

With this, there can be no conflict in the question:

What or who am I?" In this alone you've discovered freedom.

We may think or say things like, "I'm not meant to be an author of a popular book" or "I must be crazy to think that I could ever become a doctor."

The only thing that is surely known by any living thing is that it is what it is. You see other individuals, and certainly animals, as who they are, but you struggle with yourself. Why the inner conflict and uncertainty?

Often we have an insight knowing we're capable of a higher potential or self acceptance of who we are or what our true purpose might be, but we are quick to doubt or put it off as fantasy.

When you come to a decision to let go of inner conflict and accept yourself love yourself as God created you, it happens.

Living your life less than your true potential is equal to believing that who you truly are-- the One Thought of God about you-- does not exist.

Remember, to accept yourself love yourself certainly heals inner conflict.

Don't you truly light up when you see individuals elated, thrilled and all fired up. It often makes my day when I see people with self acceptance on top of the world, even when they are up against overcoming challenges and are ready and eagerly willing to operate from within and move forward.

Miracles may be more clearly realized through this exercise for prayer or meditation, and I like to repeat these words in meditation first thing in the morning before getting out of bed:

Perfection created me perfect. This how I accept myself.

The separated ego can not accept yourself love yourself because it is too busy judging against your true being and denies its worth, so we decide that we do not know the only certainty by which we have been living.

How could we be alive without knowing the answer? Still, we may think we do not know.

It is this "something else" that becomes the questioner of what that "something" is. Deep inside, we all know the truth of who we are. What are we doing when we ask ourselves "Who am I"?

We are suggesting that we are not ourselves, and therefore have chosen to be something else.

Again, to accept yourself love yourself is the clearing away or undoing of your separated thought system called the ego-based mind, which thinks you are separate from God. If you can remember that to accept yourself love yourself is the chosen direction you take that is real, you will set yourself up for success in this world.

Only refusing to accept yourself as you are could make this question be bothersome to you.

[Drake]

Life can change and your feelings can change. Sometimes you feel that you have had enough of your relationship and you are willing to stop it.

1. Choose the correct moment

If you want to break up with you girlfriend, you need to find a good moment. You should avoid public places and parties and choose a quiet place. Your girlfriend might find it difficult to accept it at the beginning, but try to act in a subtle way and do the things gradually.

2. Don't run away

You should act like a real man and not like a coward. Running away or breaking up through a phone call or an email is out of the question. Every break up is painful but it is wrong to run away.

3. Don't be violent or abusive

You need to act like a gentleman and control yourself. It might happen that your girlfriend is not ready to accept the truth. She could insult you or throw some objects at you. If something like this happens, you should definitely avoid violence. You should stay calm and try to reason with her. Maybe she needs some time to accept the truth and adjust to the new conditions.

4. Don't lie to her

When the things become hard, you often think it is best to lie to her. No matter how painful the truth is, you should be honest. Your girlfriend might find it difficult to accept the fact that you do not belong to her any more. She will try to keep you and she will do anything to stop you from breaking up with her. When those situations come, you need to be persistent and listen to your feelings.

5. Don't involve other people

You need to explain to your girlfriend that you are the person that is responsible for the break up. Don't blame it on other people, such as her family and friends. You have made your own decision and you are ready to follow your feelings.

Breaking up is a difficult thing and you should choose the right plan.