Ex betrayed me with another woman, struggling to move on

[Lily1]

I am relatively new to this site... I would welcome some advice as I have been really struggling with the breakdown of my relationship

My ex and me were together for five years when we were in our mid twenties, he was my first love and sadly broke up due to his immaturity and his mum.

Fast forward to mid 2015 we reconciled and started dating again. We were happy and getting on really well. We spoke about next steps and wanted a future together.

In March this year my brother went to a work reunion, as he was leaving someone said Peter (ex) was getting married, he was shocked and left the pub. He managed to contact a colleague of my ex who currently works with him, she went to his wedding and was horrified at his betrayal. Eventually evidence was found so I invited him over, asked him outright, he admitted he was seeing someone and living with this person but didn't admit he was married. He lied to my face. He just looked in a daze.

A week later I rang him and he eventually told me he was, he sobbed and said he was about to have a nervous breakdown, I cried too. He said he felt torn and pressured to get married. He said he wasn't sure he made the right decision. My heart sank. He married October 2016 and I never suspected anything. I trusted him and my mind was alot on my mother who I care for, she has alzhiemers dementia.

I stopped all contact in March and have been trying hard to move on. I've had a few dates but I don't feel ready. I've suffered with bouts of anger and depression. I was in shock for ages.

A month ago I discovered white roses left on my doorstep, they were from my ex. I was shocked and upset.

He rang me on another phone saying he misses me and what we had. He doesn't love his wife and he still loves me. The fact he chose her over me hurts me. I said he hurt me and he kept saying he was sorry. The wife is verbally abusive and they fight and argue alot. He said he wishes things were different. He has a choice.

He suffers with depression and anxiety and makes rash decisions and is consumed with fear and panic which destroys alot of things. I'm not making excuses at all. I feel he took the easy route. I just am very confused. I don't want him back as he'd married and I'm not going to be the other woman.

I would welcome any support, advice.

I'm 37 and my ex is 41 by the way.

[Gloria]

Seek to talk to your family and close friends about your scenario. Talk with them how you really feel and what your thoughts are around the circumstances. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with them would enable you to relieve the serious pain and release your pent up feelings. When you realized that your loved ones and buddies are unable to help you ease the pain, you can take into account searching for support from a professional counselor. They are usually trained in going with problem-solving approaches and can help you get over your pain with alternative solutions.

It would probably take some time for you to feel better, but do take into account of ending your relationship properly and overcome the pain. If you just sit one corner to cry whole day long, it will not bring back the lost love you have experienced. You should be thinking about what has been the main cause of the problem. When you feel that you have discovered the cause of the break up, keep in mind and do what you can to stay clear of a related circumstance from taking place again in the future.

What you need to do next is to sort out your belongings. Retrieve from your partner the things you have left in his or her possession. If your partner has any items within your residence, do return them. Some people would suggest that you should return whatever gifts that you had acquired during the relationship no matter whether it is expensive or not. However, you might want to keep them away until you become less emotional about your partner.

Next, you should consider taking up new adventures to add some excitement to your life. You could try going for bungee jump or some tree top walk that you simply restricted yourself because of your ex who was unable to appreciate them. Trying something new that you have never try before may give you some new insights about life that you have never discovered yet.

Do consider meeting new friends especially people of the opposite gender. Now that you are no longer bounded by a boyfriend, you should not limit yourself from meeting people that your ex approved and whom you might talk about intimate moments with. While in this time, you might even be able to find an individual who is better suited for you than your past lover.

Never let your emotions overwhelm you as life has more meaning to offer. If you feel that you can live your life in a better way than it is now without feeling any grief about the break up, you may have successfully move yourself from the break up.

[Roy]

If you are hoping that time will help, it can take far too long before you feel happy and ready to date again; it's understandable because, if your feelings were deep, they just don't disappear, do they?

However, there are simple steps you can take which will really help your feelings fade away and help you feel much better much, much faster. You need to understand them, accept those steps and accept the fact that they will help you.

Preparatory Step - The initial, preparatory stage is (whenever you catch yourself longing for him) to immediately think about the 'negative' side of the object of your 'love', and this is especially helpful if you are healing after a break-up. Don't worry, it's only a preparatory stage and eventually - when you are over him - you will not feel any negativity at all, only joy and hope for the future! Every time you think of him immediately think of what he/she did that made you suffer, one or many things. You need to do this because at this initial stage you will tend to think of him in a very idealistic (and unrealistic) way!

Now, onto the positive steps:

The first point is particularly relevant if your situation is one of unrequited love (or impossible love, so to speak). The second and third points are also very relevant if you have broken up or going through a breakup.

Getting Over Unrequited Love:

1 - You must understand and remember that love is only love when it's mutual. Love is not a crush or an obsession you have for someone, no matter how great they are and how honest your feelings are. Love is acting lovingly towards someone everyday towards each other, to help them flourish, to support them, to comfort them, etc. So if you have a crush on someone and it's not reciprocated, it's not love. Once you understand this, you can therefore take the following steps.

Getting over a break up (or unrequited love)

2 - Start imagining how wonderful it'll be when you find someone who truly loves you, physically and emotionally (and in every other way). Someone who will support you, comfort you, help you flourish. That is the love goal you need to walk towards, not this pain you are now feeling, which is useless in your life.

3 - Remember that whilst you are still thinking about him and are in pain, you will not be 'ready' for your next relationship; you will definitely not be ready for true love. So, you need to make your current feelings fade away fast and completely because it's the only way to prepare yourself for your next, much better relationship.

[rosahorton]

I know it would be hard for you to move on but you have to do that. If your first relationship does not work out that does not mean your further relations won't work either. You need to try hard to get the real love of your life. You should try some psychic that can guide you the love path of your life, how you can get the love of your life. Experts who deal in these matters like love, break ups, betrayal, fear of loving can better advise you.

[rosahorton]

I know it would be hard for you to move on but you have to do that. If your first relationship does not work out that does not mean your further relations won't work either. You need to try hard to get the real love of your life. You should try some psychic like Voyance Pure that can guide you the love path of your life, how you can get the love of your life. Experts who deal in these matters like love, break ups, betrayal, fear of loving can better advise you.