Should I let go after 5 years?

[karen95v]

Me and my ex boyfriend of 5 years just recently broke up 3 days ago. I’m 22, he’s 23, we don’t live together. I have always been good to him, hes even said that I’m the best he’ll ever have and nobody can top me as a girlfriend. The thing is, early on in our relationship he used to compare me to other girls asking me to dress or look like them, always search for other girls, ogle other girls when were in public and compliment other girls and hardly compliment me in the past so I’ve become insecure and even though he has changed, anytime he does something fishy I become triggered thus breakup with him. Everyone has always said that I am too good for him and even I know I am, but his past mistakes have made me feel like I am not enough for him/he is not satisfied with me. I have never caught him being unfaithful until possibly recently.

I spent a long time asking him to be romantic but he always said he just got too comfortable after 5 years. Basically in early January we broke up because I wasn’t feeling like he was being romantic to me anymore, no affection, no sex, no romance etc. We ended up getting back together and he promised to be more romantic but shortly after I noticed he was messaging an old female friend, the same female that stayed in his facebook search history for 2 years. I confronted him and he said that she was just an old friend that lived down the street from him, but either way I ended up breaking up with him over it. We eventually back together, he ended up deleting her and she’s been out of the picture since. A few weeks passed and everything was fine, we were happy but I saw him following a random girl who happened to be from a webcam website-he claimed he didn’t know she was a webcam girl yet he liked her picture-they weren’t provocative but I got mad over it because he has a history of making accounts on live sex or dating websites every time we broke up so I felt like I couldn’t trust him so yet broke up with him again.

The next day I realized the account was a spam account, and actually an old SF 49ers page that got hacked. I apologized to him and we got back together.

Just recently I even found him following yet another webcam girl who was actually a real webcam girl with a legit website and everything an when I confronted him he tried to say that he forgot to unfollow her when we got back together. That was not true, he followed her AFTER we got back together. I am not sure if he was actually contacting her.

I don’t believe I am controlling, I am just insecure about him not being satisfied with me/possibly cheating.

These past few weeks he has lost interest. He couldn’t even say he misses me or loves me. He has told me that he became numb and doesn’t know why he feels like he lost interest and maybe all the fighting is what caused him to feel this way. He said he wants to be with me but at the same time he would rather be alone. I asked him if he needed time and he said yes but wasn’t sure how much. I begged to make it work and make changes but he still preferred to be alone so we agreed to part ways for good after 5 years. I can tell we both didn’t want to but that’s the decision he made. This is the first time hes ever broke up with me instead of me doing the breaking up.

Now that we are broken up he went ahead and followed over 50 explicit webcam girls and models. I am not sure if he is in contact with them or just following them for fun.

But I have not moved on and still have hope. At this point I’m wondering if it’s a good idea to give him more time alone or reach out to him and ask to make it work. I’m afraid the time apart will make him lose more interest in me rather than him miss me. I don’t want to lose him, we both really wanted a future together but I’m lost as to what to do right now. Every time I broke up with him he has fought for me/didnt give up and now I'm not sure if i should do the same or give him the space he wants?

I believe what we had was real love and we both truly love each other but his curiosity and my insecurity got the best of us.

[Ling88]

Based on your story I can tell you he don’t love you. If a guy truly love you he will never compare you to other girls. He only stay with you because you are good to him and throwing yourself to him. Something better than nothing. You need to move on and give yourself opportunity to meet the right guy and never give up. If a guy never cherish you in the beginning of the relationship it won’t get better. Good luck!

[Nicolas]

Sure he loves you the same way you love him, however, the spark in your relationship is no more there. I think you should consider spicing up your relationship, so it can be like when you both first started dating.

First, you need to think about those thing you were doing that made him fall in love with you initially. These are the things you should be doing now to bring back the spark in your relationship.

[Bella]

Does your boyfriend still bring you flowers? Unexpected presents? Sometimes put on mood music and light candles at dinner?

No?

Well, I'll be darned! That's so hard to believe!

Actually, it's not hard to believe at all. It happens all the time. And the reasons can be easily explained (we'll get to that.)

What I know is that it makes your life feel bland. The "spice" is gone. Every day is the same monotonous routine. Perhaps you are contemplating an affair.

I often hear it said that "communication" is the key to relationship issues. So hopefully you've tried to talk to him about this. Right? And nothing's changed? So much for "communication."

Actually, I think "communication" is over-hyped. It is important, sure, but it is not the magic bullet that solves all relationship problems. You need to get this out of your head.

I suggest replacing "communication" with some basic knowledge about what makes relationships work or not work. THEN you'll have something to "communicate" about!

Why do you want him to be romantic anyway? There is no functional purpose in it.

Whoa! Did I say that? (Just testing you.)

Being romantic does have a functional purpose. It says "you are special," and that's important for everyone to know and feel. It also provides a softer, quieter environment, even if for a short time, and this allows routine to fade away and renewed energy to come alive.

Who knows, it might even lead to sex!

So, what has he told you about his non-romantic behavior? "I just don't feel it"? "I'm too tired"? "That's silly woman stuff"? "There isn't time"?

These are all excuses for not facing the issue. And what is the issue? YOUR FEELINGS!

You have a right to have feelings, and to have them acknowledged, and to see actions on his part that display a desire to make you feel good. Without this, what is love?

So what ARE the reasons he is no longer romantic?

Reason #1. Many men are brought up to be strong, macho, impervious to feelings. This is a holdover from the cave men, but old habits die hard. They are uncomfortable when you bring up your feelings, and this applies to many things, not just being romantic.

Reason #2. The infatuation period has faded into reality. It's entirely possible that after the initial stages of the relationship he no longer feels the way he once thought he did. If he doesn't feel it, it will be hard for him to show romantic interest in romantic ways.

Reason #3. He is scared. He perceives that being romantic will indicate a further level of commitment, and he doesn't want to go there (yet). So he withholds outward ways of showing affection (he doesn't withhold sex, of course).

Reason #4. He is bored. This may be a result of his own immaturity and inability to display imagination in the relationship. Or it may be a result of your own immaturity and your own inability to show imagination and variety, or to appreciate what he does do. Either of these factors could cause him to shut down.

Reason #5. He takes you for granted. Sure, he had to work hard to get you in the first place, but now that he has you he doesn't have to put in the same level of effort. This is a very natural behavior, but it is also a sign of immaturity.

Reason #6. All of the above. More than likely it is some combination of all these reasons, and it is going to be up to you to figure out which are most important and how to deal with them.

If you love him but are wondering if this is as good as it gets, the answer is simple. It CAN be better!

Here's a hint: don't expect him to take the initiative on this. He's not likely to get out of his rut unless you do something to make it happen! "Unless things change, they will remain the same..."