Boyfriend of 5 years uncertain about marriage

[Nion]

Hi,

I'm a 23 year old girl. I have been with my boyfriend of 5 years now (He's 26). Because it's always been my dream to marry young, and also since 5 years of being together is pretty serious, I've been trying to talk to my boyfriend to think about marriage or atleast engagement. But every time I try to talk, he always says something like "But I don't wanna marry until I'm 30" "Marriage is gonna mean the end of my freedom" "Only fools get married" or it's always "why do you always irritate me with these things" or some shit or the other, and it drives me insane to a point where I just lose it and start crying. He does not appear remotely even interested in the idea of marriage, and would definitely never have approached this topic had I not brought it up. What gives me more anxiety is that I'm moving to another city for further studies in a month, and he is not even showing the slightest bit of interest or certainty to come with me, or even join me in a few months time.

I feel now I should give a little background story here : two years ago, I found out he had been cheating on me with his ex for almost a year. He still is obsessed with his ex to this date (even though she has cut off all contact with him), and he still keeps making new accounts to stalk her and send her love letters. He was definitely most interested in marrying her, but when I approach the topic, he treats it like the most disgusting thought ever.

All this together literally gives me the worst anxiety and depression and I don't know whether to hang on or just leave completely and even forget the idea of wanting to marry this person.

(I know i'm gonna get called stupid for not leaving him earlier when he got caught cheating, so please before you bash me for it, know i've bashed myself enough already more than you know)

[PRW]

There is nothing to say that you don't already know. There is nothing that is going to make him want to get married. If you're already having sex with him then you know that phase, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free". This is something that you shouldn't have waited 5 years on. If a relationship is a good one and is solid the couple on average gets married between the first and second year. It is extremely rare that a 5 year relationship results in marriage because if it would have it would have happened long before 5 years. It continues that long because one or both partied is not motivated for anything else.

Another thing, if the guy thinks marriage is going to take away his freedom,...exactly what "freedom" would that be??? What can he NOT do in marriage that he can do now? There isn't anything different about it,...unless he means the freedom to cheat without worrying about a divorce and the cost involved,...or he may mean the freedom to dump you at any time he thinks he wants to without any cost to him. None of those are good things.

Time for a new guy. Your 23, the guys should be waiting in line for you. You are in the prime of your life, don't waste it on a selfish self-centered guy who only cares about HIS freedom and what HE wants.

[Shirley]

It's really difficult to watch so many women not have the success they want in their relationships because it doesn't have to be this way. Love does not have to be hard, difficult, or painful. If you have the right skills, you can make your dreams come true.

In order for you to get your man to marry you, he has to have a vision of what life would be like if he was to make that decision. You can provide him with this vision by planting a seed in his mind. It's not about talking him into it. Planting a seed is different. You use certain magic words that creates subtle references about how great life would be if the two of you were married. You do it in such a way where he's not even aware. You basically hypnotize him by appealing to his sense of freedom. He has to know that you wont change him or you wont infringe on his independence. Men value their freedom so you have to paint a picture and anchor certain images in his mind by the way you speak and behave.

You can only plant a deep desire in him to marry you when you respond in ways that creates that desire. You must create a positive challenge for him and keep your perceived value is high. Without having a high perceived value, you will not get what you want. The desire to marry you will be low if he sees that you are not someone who possess the qualities he would like in a wife.

Now if you're living with your boyfriend and you want to get him to marry you, you may be wondering why he doesn't seem too eager to take the plunge. There is a reason for this.

Women who tend to make a man treat them as if they are already married, generally have a harder time getting the man to marry them. Women who get married treat themselves like a prize. They build and increase a man's attraction so that he's emotionally hooked but they have certain standards that men must meet. They know how to bring a man to the tipping point then they create a vacuum inside of him to want more.

Get your man to marry you by taking his emotional bond deeper then create a vacuum so that he can see that you're the only woman he can see his future with.

[Scot]

You might feel that you'll never find the love you deserve or start the family you want. In either case... time is ticking. So you might be asking yourself: "What can I do to get a man to marry you within 12 months?"

If you are already in a relationship, one of the biggest temptations is giving ultimatums to get that much sought after wedding ring. This could lead towards a path of committing relationship suicide. However, if you do feel the need to present your boyfriend with an ultimatum concerning your relationship, it must be authentic. Ultimatums are commonplace when it comes to women who so terribly wish to be engaged to their boyfriend. The waiting game drives desperation (especially if you have been waiting for more than a year or two for your boyfriend to finally pop the question) and desperation can lead to threats!

When we talk about ultimatums, what we are really doing is using a fancy word for threats. Women who use marriage ultimatums on their boyfriends obviously don't realize that this form of pressure and 'all or nothing' attitude commonly results in the demise of the relationship.

So, does this mean to never use ultimatums? Are they ever acceptable? Only when you are ready to handle the truth and act on the response. If you give your boyfriend a 'now or never' lecture, you better be prepared to pack up your bags and leave if he comes back with a 'never' response. Staying in a relationship after he says 'never' only results in losing all credibility and leverage in the relationship. However; if you get a 'now' answer, then your wishes have come true. Bottom line is you should only use ultimatums if and when you are ready to hear the truth and are willing to act on the response, whatever it may be.

If you are not currently in a relationship, and you're asking "Where can I find a man to marry you within 12 months?", where do you begin? Many women dive into online dating out of desperation to find "Mr. Right." Statistics show that 90% of the women participating in online dating sites are all emailing the same 10% of men on those sites. As you can see, the competition is fierce and can be unfair for women. You need to learn the best practices of online dating. Take the time to learn the do's and dont's of online dating before you hit the scene to avoid a discouraging waste of time.

Have you ever heard the inspirational quote that goes something like this: "Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking"? Yes, well... that wisdom can be applied to relationships as well. You can get a good indication of the character of a potential boyfriend by just observing what he does and how he treats others when it "doesn't matter."

You can tell a lot about a person's character just by watching how they interact with other people when they think that no one is looking. Guys are always able to put on a 'front' for a short period of time, especially on a date. But, ultimately, they will always revert back to their true character.To avoid falling for their act, look how they interact and treat people when it doesn't matter. Honing in on someone's actions when no one is looking is a good indicator of their true character. Go towards the guy with good character.

If men are not approaching you, ask yourself if there might be something that's making you 'unapproachable'. Men are always approaching women, but there are a few exceptions that will stop them dead in their tracks: a group of women, a woman who is sitting down, a "mean" facial expression, etc. Might you be doing something preventing men from approaching you?

Men act in mysterious ways and the one thing that they strive to protect the most in life is their "ego". Yes, no man likes a shattered ego. Because of this, men usually approach women that look "safe" - rather than going up to someone who is likely to embarrass or reject them. Most men will also not approach a woman in a group of friends. This can be intimidating and make the guy feel like he has to impress all the ladies, rather than just one. What I'm trying to say, is if you want a man to approach you more frequently, learn how men view certain situations and position yourself so that you are in a more approachable manner.

Finally, your looks are not the only thing that attracts men, it's the total package. Too many women believe that they must be a "10", and anything else will get them down. This results in low levels of self-confidence. Without self-confidence, your chances of finding the perfect man and getting him to commit are very slim. When it comes to attracting men, it's not about one personal characteristic that you may or may not have - it's all about the total score!

I hope that this has been of some help for you. I wish you well on your journey. Obviously, this is only advice, and should only be used at your own risk when you're looking at what you can do to get a man to marry you within 12 months.