Long story, I still love him, dont know how to get him back, need help

[Anna552]

It will be almost 2 months since my husband has left me. We've been living together for 1 year and half. Prior to that for 2 years I visited him on weekends as he worked in a different state. The chemistry was so strong between us but during the marriage we had too many arguments but I was sure we both loved each other enough to work it out. He also the person who is afraid rejections, with lots of pride conflicting with his low self-esteem, tempered, stubborn and jealous at times. He's been always uncertain in me, asking me questions what I have found in him or why I do love him. We also have some culture behavior issues, financial instability has been pressing last months, plus

during fights and bad arguments I was kicking him out, never really wishing him to leave.

We lived in my house where he did not feel like it was his, after some attempts of kicking him out. We both had problems and sometimes they were like a chain keep going on. After he left he moved into duplex on his sister ranch. He left while I was at work after several days of barely talking to each other and we never had a closure. He never said the exact reasons he left but I got them from our conversations after. I know he felt angry with me because he felt not appreciated enough and he was hurt.

He secretly called my friend to hope to understand me, she didn't want to discuss anything behind my back. In about a week after he moved out he came over to pick up the tool he forgot in the garage, he did not pick up his other stuff he forgot, it was only one tool. I thought he was trying to find a reason to get back but he did not. However, avoiding to look into my eyes, he asked me to sell the house and move to the ranch, where he wanted to build a new home. He doesn't have money and the house I have is paid off. He knew I didn't want to move to ranch as his father was bring up that subject. I didn't like his idea and I told him no. He left and that late evening he called me several times drunk and accused me in not being care for him.

Since then w

e've been talking on and off, he

says he loves me even he knows I don't think he loves me. He says I wouldn't not even believe how much he misses me but any attempts to return him were hitting the wall. His father told me that he cried and he never seen him crying for anyone before, his father has been trying to convince him to come back to me but then eventually he gave up. Each time hitting a wall I kept disappearing just to reappear again in 3-5 days to try to talk to him. Each time it was me to initiate a contact. I felt like he was getting wormer to the idea of coming back each time yet, was getting more distant with me. Our texts or phone conversations were ending up by him. He also was not returning my calls each time. However, it was his idea that we should meet at some point to talk things over, but he doesn't know when he'll be ready for that.

I never begged him to come back, more gave him reasons why we should try it again. He thought we had too many fights and if he'll be back we'll fight in a week again, he thought I appreciate him now after he left and so on. I also felt he has been avoiding me even though he still was returning my calls, especially when he felt like I'll be gone forever. Also he thought I'll be always back asking him again.

Along with our marriage issues he recently lost his job shortly after he left, which made him more moody then he was already. After each of short no contact brakes he kept making comments like "I thought you already moved on", yet he was always answering the phone right away. One day after one of those brakes I had no choice but to ask him to meet me to help with something. I was sure he is going to say no, to my surprise he agreed. It was almost a month since he left, no mistake I felt immediately that he has been missing me, the way he grabbed my hands, the long tight hug before I left, staring into my eyes, complementing me how beautiful I was. While he was helping me we had a conversation, where it seems like he was trying to convince himself why he cannot get back to me now. Beside fear for soon to be fight again he had a money issue not being comfortable to live when he won't be able to provide something. No matter what I said I was hitting the same wall. He kept saying "I won't return to your house while I don't have a job". The same day later he asked me why I'm not calling him after I left. The other days after he made a statement I don't tell him "I love you" anymore, after he tells me he loves me. He started to get jealous knowing I'm attending events telling me he sent me his pictures, making a comment I should have sent him pictures where he can see that I'm not with someone else.

Not getting anything positive I have started talking about divorce, even thought I was not wishing it at all, with his responses that he never says anything about divorce or it's over. I felt it was not going anywhere and thought he is getting used to live without me, I felt very depressed and have been crying almost non-stop. I felt he was getting distant yet giving me a hope, telling me that he doesn't have anyone and I am the best thing what happened in his life. Perhaps he really needed to think what he wants. Perhaps I needed to give him a space to sort things out in his head. With that said, I have made a decision to disappear without calling or texting him for sometime. I was very hurt and didn't know what to do. In about a week, he called and hanged up when I picked up the phone, I called him immediately back and his phone kept ringing and ringing then went to his voicemail. I didn't leave a message but I sent him a text, stupidly asking if he called but he didn't response. In the next week of not talking to him I started to see dreams about him, which I never do, I kept seeing cars on a road looking like his car, I was hearing his name everywhere, it was really crazy. After 2 weeks of not talking to each other he called me and I didn't pick up the phone. He then texted me asking me to call when I won't be busy or once I get his text. I got so nervous thinking that I have to talk to him, I was not prepared for that for some reason, I even had shaking hands and I felt sick. I knew that the phone call will be something stupid not even worth a reason to talk but I felt like it was a good sign to maybe reconcile in the future.

He got used to me calling him right away, so I took my time and called after work in 5 hours or so and the first think he told me was "never mind, it took you so long to call". I've politely reminded him his text and told him I was busy (which never happened before). His response was "it's good you didn't call before as I was very upset with something somebody told me, I didn't ask what it was but somehow I felt it was something about me. I felt super nervous and I thought he could feel it in my voice, so I've trying to look a little distant and not being care for him. We both had a silence pause then he asked if there is any important mail I received for him, I mentioned there was and told him to come over to pick it up. He said he is busy working right now, what made me feel like later on he'll stop by. So I wanted to look cool and said to give me a call once he's ready to pick up his mail. He understood I will hung up and he shorted the conversation as "OK" and cut the call before I did it. He didn't call me after. It was yesterday. I know he won't call or pick up his mail just like I knew it would be something stupid, yet the conversation with him crashed my balance completely since then.

I didn't call him again and doubt I will when I am so emotionally vulnerable. But I called his father and tried to get some information out of him. His father mentioned his son doesn't have anybody, he said his son was curious here and there if his parents and I were in a contact, but they did not talk about our relations. I told his father that I'm not sure if I'll be doing right thing or not by filing for divorce. He then asked how do I feel about his son. I told him I love his son but I moved on even though I don't have anyone else. I asked if its possible not to tell his son that I called, on what he agreed. I also asked if I can drop paperwork for divorce to him so his son can sign whenever he'll be there, since I don't want to contact him. The only reason I brought up divorce as I was not sure his father will stick with his word about my phone call.

I don't want divorce I want my husband back. Tomorrow I am going to the first session with a therapist to correct personality behavior in a marriage to try to change and know how to behave in the future. My husband doesn't know that. I miss him desperately and I love him so much and I can't imagine losing him. I just don't understand him, I don't understand what he thinks, I don't even know if he loves me now. I feel so down, hurt and confused with his behavior. I don't give up my hopes but I don't know what to do and how to proceed from here to return him back.

[Scot]

I know that you might just be tempted to pull out all of the stops or to try something desperate to stop the divorce. But, I can also tell you from experience that this will often backfire too and make a reconciliation harder in the end.

In my experience, there's a much better way to get him back. And, it doesn't include ultimatums, or pleads, or even legal maneuvering. It just includes understanding male psychology and playing the game to win. I'll explain this more in the following article.

Using Any Doubts That He Might Have About The Divorce To Your Advantage: I have a blog where I share the story of how I was able to share my marriage. I actually have many husbands who email me and tell me that, deep down, they aren't sure if the divorce is the right thing. But, that they just can't imagine things getting any better.

In my experience, very few people go into a divorce, trial split, or separation absolutely sure that it's the right thing to do. Instead, usually a divorce (or the threat of one) is sort of throwing up your hands because you feel like you're out of options.

It's important to understand this, because that doubt leaves you a tiny bit of wiggle room. Of course, you shouldn't come right out and say this. Just keep in mind as you implement the tactics that I'm about the outline. I want for you to remember this because the cornerstone of this plan is confidence. So, if you go into this sure that you must perform miracles to change his mind, you're not going to be able to pull off the self confidence that is needed. But, if you know in your heart that he is likely feeling some doubt or regret, your mind set is going to be a lot more conducive to what you need to convey.

Understanding What He Really Wants From You: Many wives believe that they have to be subservient or become the second class citizen in the marriage to lure their husbands back. They make all kinds of promises and assure the husband that they can "make him happy."

In truth, no one can "make" someone else do something. But, you can create an atmosphere and experiences that are conducive to happiness. Husbands are not attracted to women who are begging, engaging, desperately negotiating, etc. You'll have a far greater chance of success if you come off as confident, capable, and coping.

It's human nature to want what you can't have. Don't mistake this for pulling away or acting as if you've washed you hands of him. Instead, you want to make clear that you'd very much like to save the marriage, but that you respect whatever decision that he makes and are going to make the best of it without him. And, really, this is the part that often does the trick.

Get Moving Rather Than Moping: Again, it's so important that you portray classy confidence right now. Don't let your husband see you (or know) that you are sitting on the couch with Ben and Jerry's and watching old movies. Instead, get out there and have fun (or at least act like you are.) This will very often get back to him.

Another good tactic is to go out and get together with mutual friends. This will most definitely get back to him and will very likely peak his interest. Many wives ask me if they should let their husband's think that they are seeing or are interested in someone else. My opinion on this is no. If he thinks or comes to this conclusion on this own, so be it. But, you really want to portray yourself as a wife who still loves her husband but one who is vibrant enough to make the best of it.

Creating Positive Experiences That May Turn This Around: Your number one goal right now is to transform your husband's perception of you from negative to positive. So, when your new attitude peaks his interest, you want to use that as an opportunity to create positive perceptions and experiences. Make every encounter and interaction count. Be very careful of how you're portraying yourself. You want to show him that you're still the happy, vibrant, exciting woman that he first fell in love with so that he wants to see more of you.

And, you want to slowly build on positive interactions. Always move slowly. Don't push. Don't be needy or doubtful. All of these things elicit negative emotions, which you just can' t afford right now.

[Shirley]

In my experience, there are definitely right and wrong ways to get your husband to come back to your loving arms. First, I'll discuss what I think is the wrong way.

What Not To Do To Get Your Husband Back (Mistakes You Shouldn't Make): Probably the most common mistake that I see is wives going all out to try and get their husband's attention. I know this very intimately because I did this myself. First, I tried to reason with my husband. Then, I got angry when he wouldn't play this game and would argue with him about things which weren't really the core issue. Then, when we were both angry, I would follow him, acting irrationally, just trying to get any reaction. I figured anything was better than his ignoring me. Of course, afterward I was embarrassed by and deeply regretted these actions. But, by then it was too late to take them back and they only drove my husband further away.

It's so important that you try to act calmly. If your marriage is in trouble or there is distance between you, then there's a good chance there are negative feelings that are seriously damaging the relationship. So, you can't afford to engage in behavior that is going to make more negative feelings and pour gasoline on an already smoldering fire. Here's what you should instead and here is what is going to make your husband WANT to come back to you on his own.

Get Your Husband Back By Restoring The Positive Feelings You Used To Share: Again, I don't know your situation or how much your marriage is already damaged. I do know though, that to get your marriage back to a loving, committed, and pleasurable place, you'll need to begin creating positive feelings to replace the negative ones. My aunt used to say "play it with kindness," or "kill them with kindness," and I used to think she was disillusioned or naïve, but I now know she was actually very cunning and this was part of her plan all along.

The truth is, if you really want to get your husband back, it's important that this is his idea and that he doesn't feel manipulated or feel like he "is giving in," or that his wife has "won" or "beaten him."

However, while it needs to be his idea, there's nothing that says that you can't genuinely and with a loving, open heart change your behavior to lure his thinking your way.

Encouraging Your Husband To Fall In Love With You Again: Think back to when you and your husband were first dating or were falling in love. It's highly likely that his happiness was your highest priority and vice versa. You both probably poured a lot of care into the relationship and this was reflected back in its intensity and the happiness it generated. I'd also be willing to bet that when you fought, you made up quickly without much fanfare. People who love each other very much generally don't want to waste their time on petty arguments. You need to get back to this place. How?

Well, you actually have an advantage here. Who knows your husband, and his wants, needs, fears, and desires most besides himself? You, of course. In fact, you knew him so well once upon a time that you used this knowledge to meet his needs and make him happy. It worked. He fell in love with and married you.

So, you have to repeat this process and do it again, in the circumstances which are today. Yes, this may take a while longer and pose its own challenges, but I know it can be done because I have done it myself.

I know you may be saying "well, I'm not young and beautiful anymore," or "why am I the one doing all of the work?" Those are both valid questions, but you need to understand two things. The first is, most men care more about how you make them feel than about how you look. A woman with an open heart, ready smile, sense of humor, and willingness to be attentive to her husband's feelings is going to appeal to a man more than a woman who looks like Paris Hilton, but who is ice cold.

And, know that giving your husband more of what he wants is going to give you more of what you want. You give a little, you get a little. It's a win win situation all the way around.

I often have people tell me things like "my husband won't speak to me," or "I can't show my husband my best self because he ignores me." These are valid issues, but the methods for getting him back and saving the marriage are the same. You just have to move slower and take small baby steps. Each little success will build upon another until you start to slowly rebuild affection, intimacy, trust and eventually - the commitment that happily married people share.