Girlfriend claims she didn't enjoy ONS

[Pink Flamingo]

After about three years of dating my girlfriend and I broke up for a few weeks. I agreed to get back together as long as she hadn't been with another guy. She told me she absolutely was not with another guy.

Six months later I caught her in a lie. During the few weeks we broke up I found out she had a ONS.

Here is what she told me:

She agreed to meet a guy out for drinks with her sister and her boyfriend.
After the bar, she said she went back to her apartment and did not invite this guy back (this guy had no idea where she lived).
The guy somehow, she says, follows her home, gets through the general security door then somehow knocks on the correct apartment. She answers and claims she couldn't believe it was him.
They party with her sister and boyfriend.
It's late and he says he doesn't want to drive home.
She let's him sleep in her bed. He advances and she claims she said no.
They have sex 4 times that night into the morning including oral sex.
She asked him to wear a condom but at some point he stopped wearing one and she has no idea when.
She has unprotected sex with a stranger and risked her health and mine by not telling me.


Now here is the big problem I have. She said she never wanted him there and she didn't want to have sex with him that she didn't enjoy it and that it was the worse night of her life. I call BS. In my mind there is NO WAY that he went back for 2nds, 3rds and 4ths if he felt she wasn't enjoying it. There is NO WAY that she ALLOWED him to come back for 2nds, 3rds and 4ths if SHE wasn't enjoying it. And for someone who claimed that I was the love of her life how she could have just jumped into bed with a stranger and have the romp of her life? I just don't buy her story.

To be fair I will say that she has suffered from low-self esteem, weak boundaries and people pleasing issues her whole life. Also this was not the first ONS she has had. In her past, she has had about 5 ONS's that I know about, friends with benefits and sex on the first date so it's not like this was extremely odd behavior on her part.

What are your thoughts? Do you think she is giving me a bunch of BS and that she enjoyed her evening with this guy OR do you think that even though she allowed all this to happen you believe it was the worse night of her life?

[Judith]

The fact is that, she slept with another guy after you broke up with her and not when in a relationship with her. This can't be referred to as cheating since you both weren't in a relationship at as when this took place.

So, if you still love her, I'll suggest you get over it and take her back.

[Pink Flamingo]

Thanks your your answer. Just because someone didn't "technically" cheat on you by definition doesn't mean you didn't feel cheated on especially if there was deception involved. There is such a think as morals, values, character and honesty that all play a role as well.

HOWEVER, my post is not about whether or not she "cheated" on me or whether she was "entitled" to do what she did as we could debate what grounds she had to do what she did all day long. Take that out of the equation. I was just looking for opinions on whether she is BSing me about what actually took place because I feel that she has major holes in her story and it doesn't add up. Thanks Judith.

[David]

The question shouldn't be if she enjoyed having sex with a stranger or not, but rather if you two were still in a relationship when it happened. Even if she enjoyed it, she might have slept with the stranger just to get over you. Don't blame her for doing this but take her back if you still love her.

[Pink Flamingo]

Thanks your your answer. Please refer to my comment to Judith. The question that you propose is not the question I am asking. Maybe if you took me out of the equation completely it might be easier to answer. Thanks David.

[singingstick]

While technically this isn't cheating, it is a betrayal. You asked her if she had been with anyone else and she said no. When you caught her in a lie, she potentially fabricated a whole story about a guy who not only stalked but raped her. These are very serious allegations she's making against this fella in order to rekindle her broken relationship with you. It's highly unlikely that a rapist would be thoughtful enough to use a condom the first time and then take it off at some point. That sounds more like a consensual act as the condom was discussed in the first place. You need to tell her that the only way you can continue this relationship is if she gets checked for STDs for her own health and reports this criminal to the authorities. If she waivers or hesitates, I think you'll know it's a lie. You might also have a conversation with her sister and the guy she was with. They were witnesses to this horrible crime and did nothing? Something just doesn't add up. Separate your emotions from what you know in your mind to be true. Logic always wins.

[Pink Flamingo]

Thanks for your opinion. Yes she said he "asked" for oral in which she then gave him oral. After that yes there was a discussion about using a condom - the first time they had sex. No discussion for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th times and she never checked if he was wearing one. In the morning she found one dry condom and said she was upset. She is no stranger to condoms and men so she knew he needed to have at least 4 of them - can't reuse an old one. She made it out as if he was overbearing and just gave up saying no. It's possible but unlikely.