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Hello there, to start, I know this will be a long message, and anyone who takes the time to read this and respond, I will be so thankful!
So I messed up my relationship. I was getting to know someone and we were very close but I got scared.
Let me start from the beginning. She has emotionally spun me for a rollercoaster. She has said directly that she doesn't want a boyfriend, and has also said things like how she wants to sleep with other people when she travels, likes being flirted with, how she adores a guy friend of hers etc. I was an idiot and just let those slide, and thought we could keep getting to know each other. I was right in that she was starting to come around and open up to the idea of dating me (as she told me) but I got scared, I was so nervous about showing my heart and love, and getting hurt by the things she said. So (this is another long story I won't get in to) but I was at her apartment for the weekend (we live two hours apart) and she wanted to go hang with friends alone which I said ok cause I want her to be able to build those friendships as well. But I started to get angry as 1 hour turned to 2 and 3 as I was alone at her apartment. So I wanted to calm and cool down, so opened her laptop to watch netflix. Her Facebook messenger was open, and in my blind frustration and fear, I clicked on a message from a guy she had talked about, and during the early stages of her and I dating, she had told this guy she had a dream of having sex with him. I felt sad and scared, less about that specific message because it was early in our dating, but a culmination of her saying she likes me and doesn't want me to go home, but all the other things.
So to summarize where we are at, I looked at her Facebook and she feels I infiltrated her life and am controlling. I know what I did was wrong, but I tried so hard to apologize and show her that what I did was from a place of fear and nervousness, not of control. I want her to be able to grow as her own person, I was just being told so many different things, that I was confused, and it manifested in that harmful way.
Now she has told her friends and family, and 90% of them tell her to please not date me, and that it is a red flag that I am controlling and could never change. I feel like the scum of the earth and a horrible person hearing that about me. I believe in myself, I know I have a lot of love to give and could care for someone deeply, helping support their growth.
I was acting from a place of fear, but I care for her so much. Did I ruin this? Am I really this horrible person that she should be literally afraid of, as her family asks "are you afraid of him?." It sucks so much, I would never intentionally hurt anyone, I'd do anything for her, I've helped her with oil changes, clean her apartment, send her flowers, give her massages when she's stressed, send her letters letting her know I am thinking of her. I have a good heart.
Ahhh, any thoughts you may have on the above, I'd be so grateful. Some have said that fear is not a valid feeling for me to fear when she clearly expressed her intentions, but she was also telling me that she was starting to like me.
Thanks!
So I messed up my relationship. I was getting to know someone and we were very close but I got scared.
Let me start from the beginning. She has emotionally spun me for a rollercoaster. She has said directly that she doesn't want a boyfriend, and has also said things like how she wants to sleep with other people when she travels, likes being flirted with, how she adores a guy friend of hers etc. I was an idiot and just let those slide, and thought we could keep getting to know each other. I was right in that she was starting to come around and open up to the idea of dating me (as she told me) but I got scared, I was so nervous about showing my heart and love, and getting hurt by the things she said. So (this is another long story I won't get in to) but I was at her apartment for the weekend (we live two hours apart) and she wanted to go hang with friends alone which I said ok cause I want her to be able to build those friendships as well. But I started to get angry as 1 hour turned to 2 and 3 as I was alone at her apartment. So I wanted to calm and cool down, so opened her laptop to watch netflix. Her Facebook messenger was open, and in my blind frustration and fear, I clicked on a message from a guy she had talked about, and during the early stages of her and I dating, she had told this guy she had a dream of having sex with him. I felt sad and scared, less about that specific message because it was early in our dating, but a culmination of her saying she likes me and doesn't want me to go home, but all the other things.
So to summarize where we are at, I looked at her Facebook and she feels I infiltrated her life and am controlling. I know what I did was wrong, but I tried so hard to apologize and show her that what I did was from a place of fear and nervousness, not of control. I want her to be able to grow as her own person, I was just being told so many different things, that I was confused, and it manifested in that harmful way.
Now she has told her friends and family, and 90% of them tell her to please not date me, and that it is a red flag that I am controlling and could never change. I feel like the scum of the earth and a horrible person hearing that about me. I believe in myself, I know I have a lot of love to give and could care for someone deeply, helping support their growth.
I was acting from a place of fear, but I care for her so much. Did I ruin this? Am I really this horrible person that she should be literally afraid of, as her family asks "are you afraid of him?." It sucks so much, I would never intentionally hurt anyone, I'd do anything for her, I've helped her with oil changes, clean her apartment, send her flowers, give her massages when she's stressed, send her letters letting her know I am thinking of her. I have a good heart.
Ahhh, any thoughts you may have on the above, I'd be so grateful. Some have said that fear is not a valid feeling for me to fear when she clearly expressed her intentions, but she was also telling me that she was starting to like me.
Thanks!
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