friends after breakup? any chance or any point?

[sbm1111]

My ex of two years broke up with me a month ago. He broke up with me because he didn’t feel the same about me anymore. We had a very big argument in March and he said his feelings changed since then. It was a weekend that marked 6 months since my mums passing and also 3 months since we lost a baby. I folded and broke down. He was out with mates and I repeatedly rang him for 1 and a half days crying and been so weirdly emotional and needy. I got help since that weekend (counselling). Anyway he said it didn’t feel right since then, how he loved me when we were together but when we weren’t he felt different.

We went no contact for the first month and spoke yesterday. We have decided to meet up as friends next week. He said his feelings weren’t going to change and he doesn’t want to try finding his feelings but also said he doesn’t know if they’ll ever come back. He said when initially broke up he questioned if he made the right decision for a while then decided he did the right thing. He said he cares deeply for me and loves me just isn’t in love. I told him I contemplated blocking him from everything and he said that would make him really sad to know he couldn’t talk to me again.

We always had a strong connection and got on so well. everyone was shocked to hear it had ended. I obviously want him back. I do believe he is the love of my life I have never felt anything like I do with him. I don’t know what to do though. I don’t want to let go of everything we had and I genuinely could do with a friend right now as all my mates are living abroad and I am very lonely. I would like to build a friendship with him for now while still obviously moving on. But I still would like to hear other peoples advice on what I should do etc. Is there any chance as friends he may start to feel anything? Thanks

[Anthonia]

Your ex boyfriend wants to be friends. It's a far cry from what you ultimately want, which is to be his girlfriend again. You're torn about whether or not you should agree to be just friends with a man you're still so much in love with. You'll find that anyone you ask about this will have a different opinion. Some friends may tell you that you need to avoid falling into the friendship trap if you want more. They're wrong. Becoming friends with an ex boyfriend is actually one of the most effective ways to reconnect romantically with him.

The fact that your ex boyfriend wants to be friends with you suggests something very significant. He obviously misses you and wants to be close to you again. If he was completely over you, he would have moved on and not wanted to remain in contact with you. The fact that he's the one initiating the friendship is something you should see as a step towards reconciliation. You do have to be mindful of a few things as you begin this new friendship with the man you love.

In order to use being friend with an ex boyfriend as a means to get him back, you have to allow him to set the tone for the friendship. Trying to contact him every day to talk, or asking him to hang out every weekend, will likely cause him to pull back significantly. He'll feel pressured into something more and he'll assume that you've misunderstood his intentions. There's a huge difference between being friends and being romantic partners. Don't ever lose sight of that.

Let him set the pace. Don't be the one to always call him. Let him do that first and then once he has, you can take your turn and call him the following week. Keep your conversations very neutral and easy going. Talk about what's going on in your life but steer clear of mentioning what's happening in your dating life. Doing so won't help matters any. If you're not dating anyone your ex boyfriend may think that's because you're waiting for him to come back to you. If you are dating someone, he'll take that to mean that you've moved on and he may do the same.

Throughout your blossoming friendship stay away from bringing up what happened between the two of you in the past unless he does first. Instead, focus on being supportive and caring. Show him that you're still someone he can have a great time with. Make him laugh and keep him interested by showing how self confident and mature you really are.

Over time he'll start to let his defenses down and he'll want to be even closer again. By then you'll have a new bond with him and your renewed romance will hit the ground running because it's based on a solid and mutually satisfying friendship.

[Brett]

You may get puzzled. You try to be like Sherlock Holmes and try to put the pieces together so you'll get your answer. You ask him what is the meaning of all the things he has been doing yet he only says that he just wants to be pals with you. However, you think his reason isn't enough. So what now?

1. Your ex wants to keep his options open.

He has been into the dating scene too long yet he hasn't found a person who could replace you. He is thinking of giving up on meeting new people. He suddenly contacts you and tell you that he wishes that everything's OK with you and hopes that you could still be pals. To be honest, he is trying to keep his options open. He wants to make sure that he still has you when all else fail. Be cautious and guard your heart because he may end up hurting you again.

2. He wants to be updated.

He constantly wants to know if you are already dating some other guy. He wants to be aware that a guy has been constantly asking you out. He wants to distinguish whether you have a boyfriend or not. In short, he is a little jealous of the fact that you have moved on and couldn't care less about him. It's completely unfair because he being selfish. It's like he wants to control your life. Watch out. He may be doing things behind your back. He may scaring your new guy with some of his tactics.

3. He doesn't want any trouble.

He does that because he wants to make life peaceful. He doesn't want any trouble. Come to think of it, both of you may still be interacting with the same people. You work in the same office. You spend or hang out in a common place. He sees that being buddies is the best option to stir away from any hurtful feeling. Also, he doesn't want that your circle of friends would choose sides. He wants everything to be neutral or say, back to the way everything used to be before both of you hooked up.

4. He stills wants you.

He called you up yet you weren't home. He left a message saying that he wants to invite you for coffee or dinner. It's his way of wanting to get back with you. Of course, things may not have turned out great when both of you broke up. The only possible way for him to get his way back to you is to be your pal. You will also notice that he will be there to help you out when you need to get things out of your apartment. He will even volunteer to accompany you in doing your laundry.