Boyfriend of 4 years blindsided me. I’m devastated.

[Puplover]

My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago over the phone out of the blue. We have dated for almost 4 years, the longest relationship for both of us. The last 2 years have been long distance because he moved 1.5 hrs away to pursue his PhD. We saw each other almost every weekend, taking turns driving to see each other.

Before the breakup we had a petty fight where I got upset at him. He pressed me to talk to him, but I was so emotional that I just clammed up, something I typically do when I’m upset. When I wouldn’t talk, he left slamming the door and drove home. I called him and apologized and we made up. He told me to call him later, said he would be there for me.

I try calling him that night and he doesn’t pick up. He has never ignored my calls. I text him and he tells me he is not in a mood to talk. The next night he calls me and starts off by saying that he has been unhappy for the past 6 months. He is unsure of why he’s not happy, but feels that he has been trying to make other people happy at the expense of his own happiness. I ask him who these “other people” are, and he tells me that they are his colleagues and students. I tell him I want to make him happy, but he doesn’t know what will make him happy. This led into him saying he wants to breakup, and he started to cry (I have never seen him cry, but he was crying audibly over the phone). He tells me the whole “it’s not you, it’s me thing”, tells me I did nothing wrong, that our fight had nothing to do with it, that I’m an amazing person, blah blah.

I call BS on him and try to press him for reasons. He eventually says that the 2 major reasons are the long distance (emotional unavailability) and the fact that I clam up when I’m upset. He knows that this is something that is difficult for me to work on and that I am not doing it just to spite him. He knows that I have been trying and willing to work on this, and it will take me a while to be better about it. Honestly, I thought things were going well because we haven’t had many fights in the past month. He didn’t give any signs of wanting to breakup, but admitted he had been thinking about it off and on the past few months.

I know school has been getting more and more stressful for him. He told me that we have done everything we could and that he cares a lot about me. However, he said he doesn’t want to see me anymore and needs time to work on himself. He says it is his fault for moving away. I don’t understand why he isn’t willing to work on our relationship after we have been through so much together, been so intimate, sacrificed so much to make the long distance work. I don’t understand why he didn’t cut things off earlier if he felt this way. He said he thought “things would get better”. I am so devastated that he didn’t voice his concerns to me, that he blindsided me like this and isn’t willing to fight for our relationship. He tells me I have been his best friend, didn’t want to hurt me, and says we are both strong enough to get through this.

He also said that he doesn’t know if he loves me, says he has never loved anyone. If he felt this way the whole time, why did we stay together for so long, especially long distance? Why did he show so much affection towards me, go out of his way to help me with things, call me his sweetheart? We were even making plans for summer trips. I thought we had a strong enough connection. I am so heartbroken and devastated because I saw a future with him. I am just so confused and don’t know what to think. I know I need to move on, I know I won’t get closure, but I can’t stop being hung up on him. We have had NC since, and I have been keeping myself busy, getting support from friends, but I can’t help but obsess about the breakup and what I did wrong. I know in time things will get better, but right now it hurts so much.

TL;DR I am confused about this breakup and having a hard time moving on. Grateful for any insight or advice.

[Anthony]

It can be difficult when a relationship ends, especially if it has been long-term or it ends on bad terms. Your emotions are all over the place and it might even seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, if they suggested the breakup. But wait, let's take a look at the top five ways to get over a breakup and you too can move on and be happy again with or without a partner.

Do You - The first thing you want to do is, "Do You." In case you don't know what that means, it is simply pulling yourself together. Get a long overdue makeover (new hair color/cut, try out new makeup, maybe eyelash extensions), go on a shopping spree and pick up a few new outfits, join a gym and start looking great again - we call this "revenge body." Yes, so the next time you see them, they will say, "Wow, you look fantastic!" No, we don't want their attention but we want them to know life goes on, not to mention you will feel great and look wonderful.

Just taking some time to get your personal life into perspective will do wonders for your mind, body, and soul. Clear out all of those negative feelings and start thinking about a brighter, happier future. Remember, it all starts from within so cleanse yourself and purge out all the bad habits.

Clean House - Cleaning house has always worked for me, and you don't have to wait for spring to do some spring cleaning. If any of your ex's items were left at your house, get rid of them. Rearrange your furniture, change the paint color of your bedroom, redo the bathroom (changing the color scheme with towels and a few new accessories is an inexpensive but great way to spruce up things). Just make some kinds of changes. You will be surprised at how much happier you will be coming home to see your new and improved living space.

Get Out - Sometimes while in relationships we stop hanging out with our friends, we don't do get-togethers, or heck we don't even talk to our friends that often. Well, now that the dead weight is gone reach out to your friends, get social, and have some fun. Yes, you might have to apologize for not being around, but we all know how it is when your partner doesn't really want you hanging out with your single friends and we've all tried to accommodate them at some point in time. If they are true friends, they understand and will accept your apology.

Cut the Ties - One of the worst things about breaking up is when your ex wants to remain friends. Even if it wasn't a bad breakup, there is no need to call each other and be buddy-buddy. After all, if things were that good you would not have broken up, right! It's best to have a final discussion to tie up any loose ends and then cut the ties.

If there are kids involved (not together) let the kids know that even though you are breaking up, you still care and you still will be there for them, if that's the case. If there are family members that you have bonded with, let them know that you're still around, but you won't be at all of the family functions or "chilling" with the family. There is nothing worse than seeing the ex with his new girl. Even though you don't want them back, deep down it's a bit awkward so opt-out of showing up for every family function.

That's not to say cut the family off. Sometimes we form strong bonds with family members and we don't want to end it - after all we broke up with the man/woman and not the family. The flipside of that is, you don't want to be showing up all the time as if you're thirsty for his/her attention. I say, attend things like birthday parties or informal get-togethers but avoid the more intimate gatherings like Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Start Fresh - One of the worst things we can do after a breakup is hold on to the negatives and use that to prevent anyone new from getting too close. First, never judge the next person by the last person's actions - not cool. Second, take your time getting back into dating, ask questions, and listen to what the person is talking about. Sometimes if we just listen we can learn so much about a person, even things they don't want us to know just seems to slip out if they're not the right person.

Lastly, if you meet someone there is no need to rush into anything. Whether your last relationship ended peacefully or you had to get a restraining order to get them away, don't pre-judge others because of your prior experiences. Take your time and never let anyone coerce you or make you feel guilty for not moving faster than you are. If a person is not willing to take it slow, it's not the person for you.

You may have to go to several bad apples before you find the right one, or you might just be happy by yourself but trust and believe, the ball is in your court and you call the shots. Utilizing the top five ways to get over a breakup will lessen the heartache and ease the tension and make dating fun and not stressful.

[Nora]

Breaking up can be a very devastating experience for a woman, especially when the boyfriend is the one who initiated the break up.

You Want to Get Your Boyfriend Back

Perhaps you are wondering why your boyfriend chose to dump you in the first place. Well, you are certainly not alone. Many women who are in the same situation are asking the same question too.

In fact, I have often received emails from women asking this question. Most of them still wish to get back together with their boyfriend.

Perhaps you wish to get back together with your boyfriend too? If that is the case, it is indeed important to find out why your boyfriend decided to leave the relationship.

Towards the end of this article, we will talk about why good men leave a relationship.For now, you need to ask yourself an important question.

Is Your Boyfriend Worth The Time?

As much as you want to get your boyfriend back, it is very important to ask yourself this question.

Is your boyfriend worth your time? Is your relationship really worth saving?

It is important not to deceive yourself. Now is the time for absolute honesty.

A relationship is a major part of your life and the decision you make can determine how happy you will be.

Did He Dump You for Another Woman?

For example, if your boyfriend left you for another woman, this relationship may not be worth saving. Of course, things are not always so straightforward in a relationship.

When a man chose to leave a relationship for another woman, it may not always be the man's fault unless he is a skirt chaser or playboy by nature. If it is indeed your fault, you will need to find out why so that you will not make the same mistake again in the future.

So Is Your Relationship Really Worth Saving?

No matter what, you really need to ask yourself whether your relationship is worth saving. Most probably, you already know the answer.

If the relationship is not worth saving, then the best thing you can do now is to moved on and learn from this experience. By doing so, you can prevent yourself from making the same mistake in your future relationship.

On the other hand, if you think your relationship is worth saving, then you should try your best to get your boyfriend back.

The Number One Reason Why Good Men Leave Relationship

Your boyfriend is a good man. So why did he dump you in the first place.

Well, the number one reason why a good man chose to leave a relationship is because he doesn't feel like a man anymore.

In other words, he doesn't feel admired or respected by you.

I would love to share with you as many examples as possible. However, it will not be possible due to space limitation.

So let us just look at some of the more common examples.

Many Women Become Defensive

Accepting the truth is not an easy thing to do.

For example, I know a strong minded career woman who was very upset over her break up. She is used to being the leader in her company. Unfortunately, she brought her 'leadership' over to her relationship.

When I told her that she needs to behave more like a woman in her relationship, she became defensive.

Well, I am not saying that a woman has to listen to everything a man says. However, it is important that a woman does not try to behave like a man in a relationship.

If you happen to be a strong minded woman, learn how to soften yourself when appropriate. Allow the man to lead. Don't always say 'no' to your man.

Let me ask you one question.

Do you want to lead or do you want to be in a happy relationship?

An Unhappy Woman Is A Man's Failure

A man can never feel happy when his woman is unhappy. He will feel like a failure.

That is why men love cheerful women. If you are pessimistic by nature, perhaps it is time to do something about it.

Why not learn to look at the bright side of things? Practice gratitude. Be grateful that you have a good boyfriend. Smile more often.

Nagging Is The Fastest Way to Kill A Relationship

If you only learn one thing from this article, I hope it is this.

'Nagging is the fastest way to kill a relationship!'

No men like women to nag at them. If you find yourself nagging at your men too often, it is time to take note of it.