Double standards or not

[Janice17]

Hi
I recently posted about a few issues and received sound advice. Thank you.

Another issue has arisen and again I ask for help.

During the last year of on/off with my recently reconciled partner of two weeks (Bruce) he has of course dated many women.
He entered a very short term relationship with a local lady 6 plus months ago and during a phone call with him at that time told me how great she is in bed and that he didn't need tablets to perform with her. Ouch.
He dumped her (sue) and we tried to reconcile but it failed again.
A year ago while single I met a man very much my senior and we established a great friendship. Partially crossed the line one night but I pulled away from completing the night and have remained friends. We holidayed together a few months ago with a group of friends overseas. He had prepaid my share and asked me to go. I accepted as his friend. We remain simply friends.

The guy I have reconciled with ran into his short term fling, Sue, a month ago at a coffee shop whilst we were separated. He said she was there with her boyfriend but she invited him to an event a week later in front of the boyfriend. He went to the event and a dinner with her followed that night.

He has argued the toss that he saw her in friendship and I struggled but have no choice but to trust and believe him. He remains friends with her and I accept that.

My problem is this. In anger a few times I told him I was going to have a real relationship with Bruce. Knee-jerk reaction to hearing him off with other woman and pain over things that he'd done. So now he has a very big problem with my friendship with Bruce. He thinks I should end it and he will end his friendship with Sue. It's like he could have Sue there and I had to put up with it and accept it for what he says it is but now my friebdship with Bruce is in concrete he can't handle it. It's double standards.

Any thoughts?

Thanks Janice

[Janice17]

I must add that I have been truthful about Bruce to my partner. I have never hidden where I have been with Bruce and my partner knows everything there is to know. On the other hand the event and dinner my partner attended with his x Sue was hidden, he lied about who he went out with and said it was just a friend from a support group. He came out that he had dinner with Sue to ask her to be his breakup relationship buddy who he could call on when he was feeling down. She accepted the task. I wonder who out there calls on a person they dumped for them be their support buddy to help them through their grief over losing the person that they were dumped for?
I got through the lies and deceit and took his word for it that they are only friends. Personally I thought it was just an excuse to try to get back in her bed and life. But, I had to accept the friendship. Now my honest friendship with Bruce is in jeopardy just because of my partners issues. How do I tell a friend of a year who graciously paid for my very expensive holiday and has always treated me well that he is being thrown to the lions? I can't. It's an honest friendship.

[Sammy]

I think you are blinded by love, hence you can just accept anything he tells you about Sue. The fact is that Sue is more of a threat to you than Bruce is to him, but you choose to believe and accept whatever he tells you about Sue. Your relationship with him is full of lies and that has to change. You must be in control of your relationship, don't give him all the power in the relationship and allow him manipulate you.

However, since he feels threatened by Bruce, you might need to end your friendship with him to save your relationship.

[Janice17]

Thank you Sammy
I know what you say is true. But for the sake of the relationship I let it go. I stopped digging for the truth.

Is a man who lies so much worth losing a friend over? Those are my thoughts this morning.

[Ashley]

So now he has a very big problem with my friendship with Bruce. He thinks I should end it and he will end his friendship with Sue.

If he has agreed to end his friendship with Sue, then go ahead and end your friendship with Bruce. However, you must ensure he ends his friendship with Sue first before you end your friendship with Bruce.

Good luck!

[Janice17]

Thanks Ashley for you reply.
Sue lives a few minutes away from him and he will bump into her locally and can't see why he still can't say hello even after ending the friendship. Bruce on the other hand lives nearly an hour away and I will never bump in to him. So my partner still gets his cake and eats it as well.

[Janice17]

The unfortunate side of this is that I shouldn't have to end a friendship because he's demanded it. I haven't demanded that he end his friendship with Sue and he has maintained that friendship and expected me to accept it. Only now he demands that I have to end my friendship and he will follow suit with Sue. All because Bruce who lives nearly an hour away had business in my area and we had lunch at a venue for an hour last week and I was honest enough to tell my partner. If I wasn't friends with Bruce he would continue his friendship with Sue. Sue lives a few minutes away from him and is easily found at local coffee shops and bars so he can still speak to her and can't see why he shouldn't say hello. Yet I have to completely sever all contact with a friend who I will never bump in to again.