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Before I get into it, I want to provide some background info. So I am a 17 (bout to turn 18 here in a few weeks) year old girl who is an incoming senior. My ex (let's refer to him as John) is about a year and a half younger than me (I know I'm a cradle robber) who is an incoming junior. My sophomore year I was the baseball manager and John was a freshman on varsity. We talked a lot and became pretty good friends ( I guess had feelings for me at this point). I didn't realize I liked him til close to playoff time and we started talking that summer. We talked throughout the entire summer (four months to be exact) because he knew he could not have a girlfriend with his select baseball and everything else. A month into school he asked me out and we dated up until two days ago (over nine months).
So this entire summer we really haven't been able to see each other with me going out of town for camps or trips and him just being with select baseball (he's gone from Wednesday to Sunday every week). I never really pressured him to hang out with me because I used to play select soccer and know how time demanding sports are. But the thing is, is that John and I love to hang out with our friends and enjoy our alone time (him more so than me).
I come from a small town and school where everyone absolutely feasts on rumors (especially the kids in his grade). The entire time I had anything to do with him, people would tell me rumors about him. We both personally do not handle rumors well (me never really having to deal with them) and him having to always deal with them took a toll on him (suicide, self-worth). He never got mad at me when I asked about them but I know he felt bad for me always having people say stuff to me.
So two days ago, I was out of town and he was too for a tournament. One of my friends told me something that she had supposedly heard about John doing and told me about it. I asked him about it and we kinda argued. He denied it and asked if I trusted him and I was confused because I always had to deal with this stuff. I told him I was at my breaking point with all this stuff (and it turns out he was too) and I broke up with him because I was tired of rumors and we didn't even act like a couple. He agreed to it and apologized this had to happen over text. I was hurt because I thought he would fight for me, to ask me to stay, but he didn't. I unfollowed him on everything (except snap which was our main communication) and didn't talk to him for 24 hours.
Those 24 hours were awful for me. I was so mad at myself for breaking up with him so he could "fight for me." Later that night, my friends threw a small party for me and I got a little tipsy. I had noticed he unfollowed on snap after I posted a picture of me and a guy friend together (he's gay and John has always been wary of him). Me not being completely sober texted him asking if he unadded me. After that, I asked if we could talk and I told him about how I broke up with him bc I wanted him to fight for me. He said he too had realized something, his mom had made a remark about him never making any time for me. And he realized he did that a lot and he never treated me like I deserved. And he talked about how if we kept on going that the rumors would only get worse and he doesn't want me to stress or deal with it (he has always said that). I wasn't begging or pleading for him to stay but I tried to convince him I was ok with "dealing" with it. Then he talked about how I always heard stuff about him and how he never did any of it but if people think he's that bad, then something is up. And he talked about his parents didn't think he was very good either. I told him I didn't know what he wanted and he said give me a minute to think. Well, he made his decision pretty quickly lol. He said he felt bad about me always having to deal with rumors and how I was tired of it too. Then he talked about how hanging out will just get harder and harder with baseball, football, and the fishing team. And how it wouldn't be right for him to put me through that. And how he doesn't want to have a relationship where we "just made things work." He also said "You don't trust me. This isn't going to work. I'm not good enough for you. I need some time to work on myself and I realize that I needed to make changes in order to become who I am made to be. And right now, a relationship is not something I need. It's really not because of you it's me. I'm sorry. But I still want to be able to talk to you about stuff. Like what we talked about that one time (suicide and depression that we had/were going through), or your goal to stop drinking. But if that's too hard for you I understand, I'm sorry." I remember a few months ago he had said the same thing about if we ever broke up he would like to remain close because I was one of the most chill people he knows and he likes talking to me. But I am not the one to be buddy buddy with my ex so I said "I don't want to talk to you" and he replied back "I understand that I'm sorry. But you can always talk to me if you ever change your mind." I was pretty mad at this point but I tried to refrain from going crazy so I replied, "It won't trust me, I choose people who choose me (I know cringe but I was drunk lol) and you didn't do that. You are forever a coward to me."
And he never replied to that. I honestly don't know how I feel about everything right now. I'm confused as to why he insists on us still being close and if he ever wants me back. I know that I am hurt, just a few weeks ago he said how special I was and how we could be something special. And to be honest I don't know what to do at this point. Sorry this was a novel !! But any help is appreciated.
So this entire summer we really haven't been able to see each other with me going out of town for camps or trips and him just being with select baseball (he's gone from Wednesday to Sunday every week). I never really pressured him to hang out with me because I used to play select soccer and know how time demanding sports are. But the thing is, is that John and I love to hang out with our friends and enjoy our alone time (him more so than me).
I come from a small town and school where everyone absolutely feasts on rumors (especially the kids in his grade). The entire time I had anything to do with him, people would tell me rumors about him. We both personally do not handle rumors well (me never really having to deal with them) and him having to always deal with them took a toll on him (suicide, self-worth). He never got mad at me when I asked about them but I know he felt bad for me always having people say stuff to me.
So two days ago, I was out of town and he was too for a tournament. One of my friends told me something that she had supposedly heard about John doing and told me about it. I asked him about it and we kinda argued. He denied it and asked if I trusted him and I was confused because I always had to deal with this stuff. I told him I was at my breaking point with all this stuff (and it turns out he was too) and I broke up with him because I was tired of rumors and we didn't even act like a couple. He agreed to it and apologized this had to happen over text. I was hurt because I thought he would fight for me, to ask me to stay, but he didn't. I unfollowed him on everything (except snap which was our main communication) and didn't talk to him for 24 hours.
Those 24 hours were awful for me. I was so mad at myself for breaking up with him so he could "fight for me." Later that night, my friends threw a small party for me and I got a little tipsy. I had noticed he unfollowed on snap after I posted a picture of me and a guy friend together (he's gay and John has always been wary of him). Me not being completely sober texted him asking if he unadded me. After that, I asked if we could talk and I told him about how I broke up with him bc I wanted him to fight for me. He said he too had realized something, his mom had made a remark about him never making any time for me. And he realized he did that a lot and he never treated me like I deserved. And he talked about how if we kept on going that the rumors would only get worse and he doesn't want me to stress or deal with it (he has always said that). I wasn't begging or pleading for him to stay but I tried to convince him I was ok with "dealing" with it. Then he talked about how I always heard stuff about him and how he never did any of it but if people think he's that bad, then something is up. And he talked about his parents didn't think he was very good either. I told him I didn't know what he wanted and he said give me a minute to think. Well, he made his decision pretty quickly lol. He said he felt bad about me always having to deal with rumors and how I was tired of it too. Then he talked about how hanging out will just get harder and harder with baseball, football, and the fishing team. And how it wouldn't be right for him to put me through that. And how he doesn't want to have a relationship where we "just made things work." He also said "You don't trust me. This isn't going to work. I'm not good enough for you. I need some time to work on myself and I realize that I needed to make changes in order to become who I am made to be. And right now, a relationship is not something I need. It's really not because of you it's me. I'm sorry. But I still want to be able to talk to you about stuff. Like what we talked about that one time (suicide and depression that we had/were going through), or your goal to stop drinking. But if that's too hard for you I understand, I'm sorry." I remember a few months ago he had said the same thing about if we ever broke up he would like to remain close because I was one of the most chill people he knows and he likes talking to me. But I am not the one to be buddy buddy with my ex so I said "I don't want to talk to you" and he replied back "I understand that I'm sorry. But you can always talk to me if you ever change your mind." I was pretty mad at this point but I tried to refrain from going crazy so I replied, "It won't trust me, I choose people who choose me (I know cringe but I was drunk lol) and you didn't do that. You are forever a coward to me."
And he never replied to that. I honestly don't know how I feel about everything right now. I'm confused as to why he insists on us still being close and if he ever wants me back. I know that I am hurt, just a few weeks ago he said how special I was and how we could be something special. And to be honest I don't know what to do at this point. Sorry this was a novel !! But any help is appreciated.
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