pretty close to giving up...

[callmecrazy]

HE TELLS ME HE DOESN’T WANT ME TO LEAVE BUT HE NEVER TREATS ME LIKE HE WANTS ME TO STAY...

I know there is always two sides to every story and I have tried my best to see things from his point of view...

Believe me I know I’m not perfect and I certainly have my faults but I am at a loss about how I should handle things!

We met 4 years ago and it was unbelievable! He felt like my soulmate, I never was a real believer in “the one and only” concept but it honestly felt like I had known him my whole life and two people couldn’t be closer.

We bought a house together and have a child together. He has two older children, we get along famously... everything was amazing!

At some point things changed... I realised a few months back that things really were not good in our relationship. Slowly things had just deteriorated and suddenly I’m wondering how I let things get so bad!

These past few months have been the worst of my life... he is a whole other person, someone I don’t even recognise anymore and I don’t know how to move forward.

We are fortunate enough that neither of us work full-time (he works one extra day each week than I do); for some reason the expectation is that I should be responsible for all the housework, caring for the children and the animals, and running errands as well.

It might not sound like much of an issue, and normally it really wouldn’t bother me. I’m usually a very easy going person and somewhat carefree. Lately I am met with constant criticism and it is wearing me down both physically and emotionally!

It feels like it doesn’t matter if I put in a little effort or a lot of effort nothing is ever enough to please him.

He has become very negative and controlling, even with little things: it all has to be done his way and on his time otherwise it is wrong! again this wouldn’t normally bother me but when every trivial thing becomes an argument it is stressful.

I have tried talking to him but it seems he never hears me, every argument we have seems to my fault and it’s my responsibility to fix the problems. If he is mean to me it’s because I upset him first. His logic at present honestly seems to be if I fix all the things he has an issue with he would be nicer and we wouldn’t have problems anymore. I would be happier.

It’s like he thinks when he is mean I can just push my feelings aside to fix whatever problem he has then everything is ok, all is forgotten. I cannot remember the last time he apologised for anything but I seem to be apologising for something almost daily?!!

Don’t get me wrong, I have tried to do this many times over the past few months. When he says something horrible I’ve ignored it thinking there is some reason he is upset but now he won’t even tell me the issue I’m just supposed to know... when I ask what is bothering him he literally says “why ask stupid questions... you know why I’m upset”. It dumbfounds me every time because unless he believes I woke up telepathic I really have no way of knowing what his issue is unless he tells me?!!

As horrible as things are between us I really don’t want to end the relationship without trying absolutely everything to make it work for the sake of the children.

I’m just not sure if the person I met 4 years ago was an act to lure me in and this is who he really is... or if he is so miserable (with god only knows what) that he cannot end this never ending cycle of negativity?!!

I truly do want to help him through whatever this situation is but I’m on the verge of giving up and if I don’t find a way to make things better (even just slightly) very soon then I think we are pretty much at the point of no return.

Any advice appreciated!!

[Vivian]

It's also quite possible that your spouse is just a negatively-oriented person about most things--work, the marriage, other people, the future, and life in general. Perhaps as time goes by, your spouse is becoming even more negative, critical, and complaining.

When I first talked to "Leigh" (not her real name), she was ready to leave her marriage because of her husband's constant negativity. "Al" was a master at finding fault with Leigh's decisions and suggestions. He had a sharp wit and could deliver zingers without batting an eye.

If Leigh suggested a picnic, Al responded with complaints about the perils of fire ants, killer bees, and sudden thunderstorms. Whenever she made a suggestion, Al would discourse on what was wrong with the idea and why it wouldn't work.

If he did agree to go along with one of Leigh's ideas or suggestions, he always expected the worse or talked about the negative aspects. In addition, Al was very critical.

The restaurant they tried was "too expensive," the dinner conversation with friends was "too boring," the movie was "too long," the weekend camping trip was "too much work," a gift from a family member was "stingy," and the people at the church they visited were "hypocrites." His boss is "an idiot," his job "sucks," and his life is "the pits."

Since a negative attitude is highly contagious, it was challenging for Leigh to be around Al and not lose her normally positive orientation. She often felt drained and deflated in spirit after her interactions with Al. When she realized that he was becoming more negative the older he got and that she was starting to resent his attitude, she consulted with me.

Eight Steps to Overcome Negativity

If you're in the same situation--married to a spouse with a negative attitude--I would give you the same recommendations that I gave Leigh. Here's what you can do:

1. Deliberately cultivate friendships with other individuals and couples who have positive attitudes and who are fun to be around. Try to expand you and your spouse's circle of friends to include couples who would be good role models for your mate and spend time with those couples.

Cut back on spending time with friends who encourage your spouse's negative comments and attitude and slowly over time try to add individuals and couples who are strong positive influences.

2. Be sure that you have friends, activities, hobbies, and interests in your life that "feed your soul" and help you stay on a positive track. If things in your marriage aren't what you wish they were, then you need to find satisfaction and joy in other areas to keep you centered and balanced emotionally.

Listen to inspiring songs and read inspirational books. "Feed" yourself a diet of positive messages that encourage and motivate you.

3. Monitor your moods to be sure that you're not getting tangled up in what are commonly called "co-dependency" issues. That's when you let your mood be determined and set by someone else.

An example would be if you were depressed all day because your spouse was in a bad mood at breakfast. Just because he's in a funk doesn't mean that you can't have an enjoyable day. You don't have to let your mate's mood determine your mood or spoil your day.

Don't give away your personal power. Take responsibility for creating your own happiness instead of being so influenced by your spouse's negative attitude.

4. Keep a gratitude journal where you list what you're thankful for each day. Form the habit of sharing with your spouse things that you're thankful for. At dinner, for example, you might talk about how helpful the clerk at the grocery store was or tell about the favor a co-worker did for you that you appreciate.

If you're thankful for seeing a beautiful bird or a lovely flowering tree, share your feelings. If you feel blessed by the kindness of a friend, share that. Even if what you say doesn't impact your mate, you need to hear yourself expressing gratitude and appreciation for the gifts that you've been given. This helps you to keep focused on what's right with your life instead of what's wrong with it.

5. Try not to judge your spouse or make him or her "wrong" for being so negative. There are many factors that can influence a person's attitudes: the attitudes they learned from their parents, their experiences growing up, low self-esteem, intense stress, clinical depression, a habit of negative self-talk, life disappointments and discouragement, and lack of hope.

Sometimes individuals who are negative think they are being "realistic" or helpful by "calling a spade a spade." Others may think they are witty for delivering clever "zingers" and criticisms.

6. Schedule a time to talk to your partner about your concerns. Without sounding judgmental or "preachy," give some specific examples of how her (or his) negativity has impacted you significantly. Perhaps your spouse is not even aware of just how negative she has become, or perhaps she is feeling depressed and needs to talk to her doctor or a counselor.

If your spouse reacts in anger, stay calm and non-defensive. State that you'd rather share your feelings now than have them fester underground and cause even more problems later.

7. If nothing changes after your talk with your spouse, write him (or her) a letter outlining your feelings and concerns about your reactions to his negative attitude. State that you want to look forward to your interactions and time with him, but you're afraid the constant negativity will eventually affect your feelings.

In the letter, tell your spouse how much you value him and your marriage and that you love him deeply. Ask your mate to go to marriage counseling with you so that your marriage will stay strong and satisfying for both of you.

8. If your spouse is not willing to address the problem by talking with you or going to counseling, then make an appointment to see a counselor by yourself. You'll need support and help in determining just what the next step needs to be--trying again to communicate verbally or in writing, or trying to adjust and live with things as they are, or in an extreme case, considering a temporary marital separation.

Pay Close Attention Here-

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[Anthony]

It's disheartening to live with a man who only seems to focus on what he thinks you do wrong, instead of everything you do right. It pulls at your self esteem, strains your connection with him and often makes a woman retreat into herself. No one should have to be subjected to constant demeaning comments. If you feel you are drowning in the negative emotions that come with living with a critical partner, there are ways to change this so your marriage can once again thrive and you can take comfort in the acceptance and love your husband has to offer.

You've likely heard in the past that people who are overly critical are really just looking to bolster their own self worth. This is true and could very well be at the heart of what is happening within your own marriage. Take a look at your husband's happiness level. Is he someone who is content with himself? Does he seem more focused on the negative in life than the positive? If you feel that he's always looking at life with a glass half-full attitude, this could be the main reason why he feels compelled to always be criticizing you. It may help him to feel more fulfilled as a person because he's finding faults in you which bolster his own self esteem. In other words, if you're not perfect, he'll feel less impacted by his own shortcomings. It's a horrible dynamic to have in your marriage but it's not something that has to continue.

Chances are very good that you've spoken to your husband about what you feel in relation to his demeaning comments. If they're still continuing, he's obviously not understood the effect that they are having on you. If you constantly complain about his mistreatment, he'll finally reach a point where he just tunes you out. Once this happens it becomes even more challenging to get him to change his ways.

Talking with him should certainly be your first course of action. It's essential that you speak to him in a clear and direct tone when you feel that he's stepped over the boundary. If he says something hurtful, address it in that instant. Stay in control and simply state to him that you feel that his comment was unwarranted and that it was hurtful. By not becoming overly emotional, you are showing him that you take this matter very seriously and want it resolved without all the emotional entanglements that typically invade conflict in a marriage. If you repeatedly state your disapproval of his critical comments, and he still continues to throw them in your direction, it's time to try something different.

Often in life we have to take a radical approach to deal with difficult situations. Such is the case when your husband seems to be stuck on a track of negativity. You've heard the old saying about killing a person with kindness? You're going to implement that idea into your marriage.

Beginning today you need to make your new focus helping your husband feel better about himself. This is going to be incredibly challenging in light of the fact that he isn't being very kind to you. You must view it as an act of emotional sacrifice and as a method of breaking down the negativity barrier that he's built around him. If you can take the necessary steps to help your husband feel better about who he is, as a spouse, it can change the entire dynamic between the two of you.

Marriage is a partnership and sometimes that requires much more give than take. Now is the time for you to show, through your own behavior, how a spouse should treat their partner. Do unto your husband as you want him to do unto you and you will begin to notice a chance in the way he interacts with you. By being compassionate, patient and persistent, you can help your husband transform the man he is into the man you want him to be. Your marriage can be more balanced, more loving and more enriching if you help your husband see how acceptance can elevate your connection to another level.