Any chance she might come back?

[richdeniro]

Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I have been seeing her since then... I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and going through a divorce - never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up in this situation and I don't really know how it happened! She's still living with her ex-husband although they been separated for 18 months, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.

Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling like rubbish in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etch. It was all true.

We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.

I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then a couple of weeks ago she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.

This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open - she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.

We met up for a drink on Sunday night and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and on Monday night she sent me a message saying: "Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry".

And that's it really, I didn't reply to that. She messaged me last night saying 'You ok?' and I didn't reply. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a couple of months and it sucks a bit I suppose. I guess it's probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. My head is all over the place really. Do you think she'll get back in touch with me at some point? I don't know what I'll do if she does.

[Gray]

Make yourself slightly unavailable: People always pursue what they can't get. If you made your self cheap and you kept texting, e-mailing, calling, begging and pleading she will treat you as a doormat. If you kept a mysterious behavior and you made yourself unavailable she will be doubtful. Women in general are curious and she would rather try to know what is making you busy to that extent.

Use the power of good memories: Ask yourself why my ex left me. You will surely find two or three things that might have been the reasons behind the breakup. Work on eliminating them and show yourself as a new man. She will forget about what was wrong because you do not do the same mistakes anymore. What is left now? The good things that she will start to remember. If your plan was right she will start remembering you as a good boyfriend or a husband. She will miss you and she will do the chasing.

Use a step-by-step approach: Remember that whatever your situation was she will not break up with you to return back to you at the same day. You need to define your ultimate goal (Getting her back) and work on tiny goals that will lead to the ultimate goal. For example make your first goal to make her call you. There are many ways you can do this like sending her a text message telling her that you appreciate what she has done. She will be curious and she will call you to know what she has done with you. This way you had led her to initiate the first step. Then the next tiny goal might be to meet her in a coffee place. You might want to go out with her in the fifth tiny goal you do. If you planned your steps well, you will lead her back to you. And then your goal to make her come back to you will be an easy task.

[Anthonia]

Instead of asking yourself IF she will come back...you need to be asking yourself how you can MAKE her come back. The previous question implies that you have no control over whether or not she will come back to you. But on the contrary, you have a lot of control over whether or not you will have your ex girlfriend back in your arms again. But you must take the right steps.

First, break off contact with her. This means no more calls, text messages, visits, or anything else. This will show her that you have accepted the break up. This will also give her time to miss you.

Next, use this time away from her to make some changes. Join a gym. Get a new haircut. Get a new wardrobe. Do anything that will make yourself look better.

Along with the physical changes, you can also make some mental changes. Do things that will build your confidence and make you feel more independent. Once you make yourself believe that you do not need her to be happy, you will become much more attractive to her. Women want what they can't have and they hate to be ignored. So if you do this, you will really get under her skin.

You can even go on a few casual dates. This will help to build your confidence. This will also show her that you are not sitting around waiting for her to come back to you. She will start thinking that if she wants you back, she had better move quickly before you find someone else.

So to answer your question, "will she come back?" ABSOLUTELY! But you have to make them want you back and in order to do this you MUST follow the right steps!

[BassThumper]

Anthonia and Gray made very good points.

Doing more for yourself...going to the gym and changing your thinking...in time i bet you will see her in a different light. She has a lot of baggage and will be carrying it for awhile. You can do better.

[Rivaldo8]

Anthonia and Gray made very good points.

Doing more for yourself...going to the gym and changing your thinking...in time i bet you will see her in a different light. She has a lot of baggage and will be carrying it for awhile. You can do better.

Yeah, I also think that so. Thanks!

[richdeniro]

Thanks all.

I haven't contacted her but she kind of reached out last night by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on FB. I didn't accept the challenge.

I have tried to make some positive changes - started lifting and doing pressups, changed my mindset and am not wallowing in self pity, also going on a couple of dates from apps at the weekend.