She “Lost the spark”

[Chagwood]

Hey everyone, writing this in hopes to clear up some confusion for me. I’ll give you a brief summary of what happened..

So me and thus girl started dating and everything was amazing (honeymoon phase). Before we officially started dating, she told me that she tends to move slowly because of her past relationships, I was cool with that. A month later once we became official, everything was great. Met each others family and hung out with them all the time, etc. She would send me sweet texts everymorning as would I (the honeymoon phase stuff I guess?).

Another month goes by and she told me that she thinks I’m so much further ahead feelings wise than she is but she still likes me and cares about me. I took that as slow things down like she told me initially which I did... things were still amazing after that talk.

Almost another month after that, she told me that her feelings aren’t growing anymore and she’s frustrated with herself because she doesn’t know why. She went on by saying she thinks things got too serious too quickly and she “lost the spark”. Now here’s where I dive into some details that are important. She works 5 days a week and is also in school full time, and was going through midterms at the time. She got extremely stressed, couldn’t sleep at night, would break down crying, wanted to be alone even from family, and then would get frustrated with herself because she doesn’t like telling people she doesn’t want to be around anyone in the case she hurts them so that made her depressed as well. She was basically going through a very stressful point for her. I went on to tell her honestly it’s probably from the stress, and that I’m here for her but I don’t have to see her everyday. I told her school is important and she needs to focus on that which she agreed on but didn’t agree on the fact that’s why the spark died.

fast forward to 2 weeks later, she broke up with me because she said the spark wasn’t there and that she didn’t know how to bring it back. I know it hurt her to breakup with me, I could just tell from the conversation at that time (lots of crying and saying she’s mad at herself for not knowing why she’s feeling like this). The relationship didn’t end badly, as in arguing, we were both mature about it, but I did tell her not to expect me to be around after this at least for a while.

NOW, I feel like it was a combo of stress, and that we texted 24/7, hungout all of the time, I was emotionally and physically available for her 24/7, I sent her sweet things all of the time that she likes to here (I think it got old).

its now been 5 days no contact, I know that’s not long and I KNOW some people on here will tell me that’s its done for good. But I’m going to give it one last shot regardless by reaching out at some point and trying to rekindle things. It’s happened with friends in the past and I’ve seen them go through the same thing first hand.

i guess what I’m asking is how long should I wait considering it wasn’t like we argued and got mad and then broke up so there isn’t a “time for her to forget the negative” as I’ve been reading so much.

I was thinking about reaching out at some point mentioning someone or something I ran into or did that used to make us laugh and tell her it made me think about her.

Remember, I’m going to reach out even if some of you say not to, so if that’s your answer I appreciate wanting to help but it won’t do me any good.

[Chagwood]

I’m not sure how that ad popped up in my original post. I copied it from another forum I posted in and maybe I copied that as well ^^ sorry about that lol

[Kate]

Although you may think that you have lost her for good, this is not necessarily the truth about that. There is a plan of action you can use to make your ex girlfriend yours again. Once you know how to appeal to the heart, you can have her in love with you even more than she did previously.

Understanding how to make her fall in love with you again starts by accepting the break up, for now she does not need much to do with you. Men and women thoughts are so far apart when it comes to feelings of love. Men feel a definite desire to fix a broken relationship right now. That is why we men resort to calling our ex, and constantly begging her to return to her senses. Women, if you can believe it, are more thoughtful of their feelings, and they seem to need more time to think through what they feel. If you try and force a woman to fall back in love with you soon after a break up, you stand a darned good chance of destroying the love that she had for you forever. Your first point to remember is to give her time to herself. Accept the break, as a temporary measure.

Giving her space is crucial, and this will prove to her that you have respect for her feelings, but it has another benefit too. As men, we almost always fall in love with our lady more when we were with her. Consider how you felt when you where with your girlfriend. You probably could not get enough of her, and you savored each and every time you two had. You felt closest to her when you were in her presence. For women, it is a little different. Most women that love a man will love them more when they are missing him. You can increase your chances of making her fall for you again if you stay away from her for a few weeks. She will automatically begin to think about you, which is what you want her to be doing. During this time, as she is thinking about the good times, she will start to feel the love she had for you again, and it will get her want to reach out to you.

[Nate]

If you want to win your ex girlfriend back, the first thing you have to do when you hear these words, 'I need space' or 'I don't love you anymore', is to listen. And by listen, I don't mean hear the words and jump into action, but rather listen to them, take them in, let them settle, and accept what they really mean.

The reality is simple, and it is by no means the end of the world, or indeed the relationship. In many ways it is nothing more than a test, and can often come at a point in a relationship when things are close to progressing to that next stage.

When men have problems, generally in life, you tend to put your heads down, get on with things, and hope that the issues go away. Women, however, are a lot better at acting on emotions, and thus sometimes, once men step back, you may actually understand that perhaps space isn't such a bad thing after all.

Space tends to be a woman's way of reasserting exactly how she feels. Men can be a lot more possessive by nature, and sometimes the idea of spending time apart from your girlfriend, even when clearly it is beneficial, can be a hard pill to swallow. It is, however, often extremely healthy, and also a great opportunity to prove not only your love, but your trust, faith, strength, and ability to adapt to your partner's needs.

Step 1 - True Acceptance Of The Reality

Now step 1 and step 2 really go hand in hand, and one shouldn't exist without the other. Acceptance is great, but prepare for the vicious wrath of your girlfriend if acceptance is the only thing. Believe me, the last thing a girl wants to hear when she asks for some space is 'okay then, see you later'. It has to be backed up by Step 2, 'Honesty'.

Step 2 - What She Needs to Hear vs What You Want to Say

As clichéd as it may sound, there is really no better ingredient for a healthy separation period. After showing you're happy to respect your girlfriend's wishes, it is now time to dig deep, and tell her truthfully how you feel.

But what do you say?

It is important to be balanced and calm, and not desperate and emotional. Of course it is okay to show some emotions, she would expect that, but no clinging on to her heels as she leaves the door. As mentioned above, first you need to accept her wishes. Tell her that you understand that she needs some space, and that you are willing to support her. Then, and this the tricky bit, you need to open up.

This is where you have to be strong. You have to be positive. Don't talk about your love as if it has now been crushed, or you are losing your grip on it. Speak about it as if it is entering a new and exciting stage. Be calm and measured, and don't be self-deprecating. She doesn't want to know that 'it's okay, I can change!' If you want to win your ex back, just show her that you care, and that you will always respect her needs, even when it means doing something that you don't necessarily want. Show her that you love her, and not that you need her.

Step 3 - Space vs Ignoring Her Completely

It is also important to make yourself available to your girlfriend. There is a big difference between giving space and abandoning her completely. Be prepared to be treated either like a friend or ignored completely. That doesn't mean you should ignore her back. It just means that there's a fine balance between not being needy guy who jumps whenever she calls and the guy who doesn't answer her calls or messages... ever.

Most likely you'll want to be the guy who answers her calls and waits "patiently" for her to miss you bad enough that she comes back. But be warned. The only way she is going to do that is if she misses you. To miss you, she needs space. Therefore, it's best to be on the receiving end of any communication... at least in the beginning. Don't appear too eager to reconnect unless she gives you that sign first.

Step 4 - Don't Just Wallow In Your Own Misery

From my experience, men often respond to this sort of rejection by staying at home, and shutting the rest of the world out. I think often it is scary for men to try to have fun without their partner. What if suddenly you stop missing her? What if it is more fun without her? These are questions that most men would rather not face up to, but this space is yours too.

You need to give yourself the chance to gain a new perspective on your relationship, and learn about what you really want. Don't be afraid to have some doubts, it is natural, but don't run from them. If you start to question your relationship, then really think deeply about it, and what it means to you.

It is a good time to take up that course you have always wanted, or that hobby that you have put aside. Your girl will be a lot more impressed if you are doing something constructive with your time, rather than simply using the freedom to rebel.

Don't be controlled by fear.

I am all too aware of how difficult this period can be for any guy, but it is important to not be controlled by fear. Instead allow the love that you feel to give you strength. If your ex girlfriend appears to be irrational during this period, accept it, don't question it.

Remember, despite the fact that she chose to have the space, it doesn't mean that it is not also difficult for her. Be supportive to her when she is struggling, and be prepared to receive mixed signals. The important thing is to stay strong.

If you believe in the relationship enough, then this period of space can be the best thing that will happened to you. Remember not to fear what might happen, but rather to stay focused on what you want to happen. It may not be an easy ride, and if at times you slip, and drop her a text or dial her number, don't worry. It is only natural. Don't be too hard on yourself, there is no perfect way to cope with this situation.

The important thing is to always bring yourself back to that calm place. Don't allow your emotions to run away with you and for one mistake to snowball into a catastrophe. Take a deep breath, and forgive yourself. Yoga, meditation, and exercise can also help with this. This is the perfect opportunity to develop your emotional balance.

Finally, don't give up. If you really want to win back your ex, be prepared to play the long game. Don't wait forever, or put your life on hold, but rather accept that the love is still there. Don't worry about pride, or what your friends are saying, simply trust yourself, and regardless of the outcome, you will be ok.