Break up out of nowhere.

[Fent]

I am new to the forum and looking for a little advice. I have been dating my partner for the last 10 months and up until a couple of weeks ago things have been amazing! I’ve never been so happy or in love and I told friends I was sure this was the guy I would marry.
Then a few weeks ago we had a few words whereby he ended up getting upset. He has children from a previous relationship and he is absolutely petrified of hurting the children again if another relationship fails. We had plans for me to meet them in the last months but due to us both working alternate weekends and holidays and me ending up in hospital this delayed things. The last couple of weeks meant we haven’t seen a great deal of each other due to circumstances with his children but on conversation I asked if this is still what he wanted and he said it was.
This week he decided he was stressed about us and ended things having said he had been feeling this way for 3/4 weeks and he wanted to be alone. I fail to comprehend this when he continued to send the kind of lovey messages that would make someone want to throw up up until 2 weeks ago. I think it’s too soon to talk to him yet as I am in pieces and need to be of a stronger mind set and more rationally thinking to do so, but I can’t understand the complete u turn on our relationship. Are the children what has broken him or is there a bigger issue? He wouldn’t have cheated as his children’s Mom did this and it broke the family apart so I know he’s not capable. I don’t know what to do but I’d take him back in a heartbeat as I couldn’t fault our relationship but now can’t help but wonder if it was all a lie. Please help!

[Ben]

Are you wondering how to get your boyfriend back after he broke up with you? You can get him back if you want him so badly.

So a break-up has happened, it's terrible, and you want him back. In case you really want him back, the first thing you should look into is why; the reason why he wants to break up with you and how to fix the why factor. You may even need to say you are sorry, depending on the reason behind the break-up. Here are some tips that can help you improve the situation.

Find out the reason. Why is the break up? Did he or you do something hurtful? Any mistakes that come to your mind? If there seems to be no apparent reason, think back on how your relationship was with him; how did you treat him generally? Was there any sign that implied his unhappiness?

Do what's necessary. It means, say you are sorry. If you did something wrong that hurt him or could have hurt him, say you are sorry. Even if you couldn't think of anything at all, try to say you are sorry because there must be something that caused him to want to break up with you.

This is not to say you need to ask for his mercy even there's nothing you did wrong; rather, it is important to communicate with him that you feel bad to see things have had come to this. If you did something that's wrong, make sure your sincerity gets communicated when you say sorry.

Do not refuse the break-up. Show him that you accept the break-up and are fine with it. If he was half expecting you to panic and implore, he will be surprised and possibly begin to regret suggesting a break-up.

Let him know you have some backbone.

Instead of ice cream, get thee to a gym. After break-up, concentrate on bettering yourself instead of being depressed. Keep yourself in best condition. Between a girl wallowing in self-pity and self-improvement, your ex is more likely to feel attracted to a girl who is taking care of herself.

Let him work for your attention. If he wants to come back to you, let him spend time and effort for your attention. Do not let him think you are eager to be with him again. When you see yourself as a person who deserves love and respect, others will see you in that light too.

[Victoria]

Your initial moves after the break up can make or break your chances of getting back together so you'll need to work out a game plan and execute it carefully.

Take it slow at first... that's the idea here. Move too fast and too soon, your ex will simply move further away from you.

Remember that he broke up with you. If you want to get him back, you've got to give him a reason to date you again and you need to show that to him in a way that won't scare him off. If you come off too strong, he'll look the other way and not even give you a second thought.

Understand that getting back into your ex's life won't happen instantly. The biggest mistake you can make is trying to force yourself back into his life immediately after you've broken up. Guys can see this coming from a mile away no matter how sweet and innocent you think you're being.

What I'm trying to get across here is that you can't just call him up to chat or say "hi" or do anything else that might give you a "reason" to contact your ex. As hard as it is, what you need to do now is walk away from him. Detaching yourself from him gives you an air of independence and by not forcing the issue you make it appear as if you've accepted the breakup.

This is probably the best strategy you can use, especially if you're having trouble breaking contact with him or he's still trying to contact you.

Once you've decided to detach yourself from him, it's got to be something you stick to for a while. Take comfort in the fact that if you execute this correctly, you'll get your boyfriend back and he'll be climbing the walls to talk to you again. The no contact rule after a break up is painful and temporary but it's also the most necessary phase to getting your ex boyfriend back. The longer you extend the no contact period between you and your ex, the more power you have to putting yourself in a greater position when the time comes to get back together.

How Long Should the No Contact Rule Last?

The ideal no contact period lasts anywhere from 6 to 8 weeks. The best part about your immediate withdrawal from his life is that it will trigger some deep rooted thinking on his part. As your ex starts to examine the fact that you can live and breathe without him, he'll start to make some serious choices in his life.

Nothing in a relationship speaks louder than actions, especially when those actions are nothing at all. If you take one thing away let it be this: when it comes to getting your ex boyfriend back, less is more. The less you do now, the less you'll need to do later on when the time comes to talk again.

Every guy thinks the same when it comes to breaking up with a girl:

"After I break up with a girl, I fully expect her to come running back to me. She'll have a million reasons why we need to stay together, but I've got a million reasons why we shouldn't."

"I guarantee that she's going to try and make contact with you again. The initial days after the breakup are awkward so I try and keep my cell phone off."

"If you don't play your cards right, breaking up can be just a stressful as a relationship. The longer she tries to hand on to the relationship the less attractive she becomes and the less I want to see her."

As you can see, you need to ignore the impulse to contact your ex right after the break up, because if you do you'll seriously damage your chances of getting back together. Forcing the issue with your ex could seriously alter the way he sees you, and it won't be good.

Now having said that, there is a time at which it is OK to contact your ex which won't negatively impact you or your chances of getting back together. If you implement the no contact rule with your ex fully and effectively, the usual waiting period is about six to eight weeks. I know it seems like a long time. However, this time period is imperative when it comes to getting back together because it ensures that a few things have happened:

1. Not having had any contact with your boyfriend for six to eight weeks is going to make you extremely mysterious and attractive to him. He's going to be curious as to why you dropped off the face of the earth and didn't try and fight for the relationship. Furthermore, your lack of contact with him will have him guessing as to whether or not you have a new boyfriend and he'll start to second guess himself, wondering if he made a grave mistake.

2. Enough time has passed that your ex boyfriend now misses you. The six to eight week time period lasts long enough that this starts to happen naturally without you having to even lift a finger. This clearly shows you the power of the no contact rule and why it's so critical to getting your ex back.

3. Contacting your ex boyfriend after such a long absence will be met with pleasure as opposed to opposition, as a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he contacts you first! He's going to be curious about what you've been up to for so long so play it cool and take it easy on the first phone call, don't rush into anything. For all he knows, you've probably got another boyfriend and have totally moved on and are over him.

Most effective Methods of Contacting Your Ex after the Break Up

Alright, it's time to move on to the important stuff: how should you contact your ex boyfriend for the first time? Which methods are the most effective for re-establishing contact, and how do you get back in touch with him in a way that won't scare him off?

Let's examine each option below:

Facebook:

Of all the ways at your disposal, this is probably the worst. Writing a note on their wall is boring and it shows them that you're not very creative.

What you're really telling your ex is that they aren't important to you and you'd rather leave them a two second message rather than have an actual conversation with them. Instead, you resorted to using social media and your computer to re-open the lines of communication. As you can see, it's not a very good idea.

Text Messages:

Just as before, this is a bust. Texting your ex is only slightly better than a Facebook wall post. The problem with text messaging is that it leave room for interpretation on your ex's end which could lead to confusion and ruin your chances of getting back together, also it gives him the option to delete your message altogether... which could cause you to panic and then you're left wondering if he ever got the message in the first place, or did he simple delete it?

Email:

Emailing is better than the previous two methods, but it's still not personable. Having said that, I still don't recommend doing it unless your relationship started out that way (which a lot do nowadays).

The advantage to using email over texts and Facebook is that it's easier to compose your message and get your thoughts and ideas across. Ideally you'll want to craft a message that makes your ex want to call you back. The more cryptic and mysterious you are in your message, the more he'll want to call you back and see what you've been up to. The end goal here is to have your ex call you. Reconnecting over the phone is always the best option.

The Phone Call:

Don't rush things when it comes to the phone call. It needs to be done when he's got a few minutes to talk and have an actual conversation with you. Don't call him at work, or when he's out with his friends.

The phone call with your boyfriend is the most important step when it comes to communicating with him again and so you need to be very careful. Keep the conversation between you two light and upbeat and try and be a little mysterious as well. And don't forget, since you're the one who initiated the call; make sure you're in control of it when it ends.

During the phone call, make sure you use this one simple trick that will make your ex unable to get you out of his mind. If you plant the seed now during your call, your ex boyfriend is going to be left imagining you for the remainder of the night and throughout the week.

The Face to Face Meeting:

Regardless of what phase you're at, eventually you're going to have a face to face meeting with your ex. This can be either risky or rewarding since you haven't seen each other for so long, but if done correctly, can lead to quick results. I hope that during your no contact period that you've improved as a person both physically and mentally. It's important for your ex to be attracted to you just as he was before. If you look, dress and smell your best, you'll catch your ex boyfriend's eye and greatly improve your chances of getting him back.

Just like the phone call with your ex, you're only looking to give him a small taste, don't give him too much too soon. Any and all face to face contact with your ex boyfriend needs to be brief so that you'll keep his curiosity peaked and wanting more. This will also make your chance encounter look less staged.

If you happen to run into each other by accident, keep the conversation brief with an apology that you're busy and have somewhere else to be. This way it'll look as if you've totally moved on and are over him and you'll have all the control.

Don't be surprised if during your "chance" encounter he doesn't want you to leave. Be prepared for this. If it happens, don't sweat it; simply tell him to call you later that night. That invitation alone will leave his heart pounding waiting to call you. This is a simple method to get the conversation flowing between you two, and it puts the ball in his court.

[Drndala]

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