Being the fall back girl

[Vt2013]

My ex and I broke up almost 3 years ago. He was my first real love. I thought he was my guy. But he made excuses about why we shouldn't be together that never actually played a role. I have a feeling it's because I wasn't sleeping with him. Now flash back to today and he's texting my friend asking about me and telling her about how miserable he is in his current relationship. They have been together almost 2 years and he wants out and wants to know if I am available. I don't even know how I feel about this situation. I still love him and I think I always will. But I don't want to be his back up plan. I seem to always be the fall back girl for every relationship I've been in. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough but they want me around when their other options fizzle out. I just want to be the first choice for once.

[John]

Hi there,

I believe your situation is unique, you aren't actually a fall back girl. You were in a relationship with him before and it ended, and now he wants you back. It's a good sign, and it shows you are better than the girl he is in a relationship with at the moment.

However, don't be the one to initiate the contact and try to get him back. Make him work to get you back. Also, don't forget to put him to test, to find out if he truly loves you.

[Becky]

This list of "don't take your ex back (yet)" signs applies to men and women alike.

1. S/he has not completely accepted that you're broken up and still talks like you're still together or acts like you owe him/her something.

2. Contacts (in person, letter, cards, email, text or phone) are always about him/her trying to convince you that s/he has changed. Even when s/he is talking about you or the relationship, you get the sense he has no real interest in what you think, your needs or wishes.

3. S/he is still being controlled by neurotic neediness - e.g.. contacting you because he/she thought you contacted him/her, then contacting you again to apologize for earlier on mistakenly contacting you, and then contacting you again - for whatever.

4. S/he is (still) blaming "someone else" (you, your friend (s), relative(s), "other man/woman" etc.) for the problems in the relationship, for the break-up or for the two of you not being able to "get back" together.

5. S/he is still obsessed with "fixing you" and talks like s/he knows you better than you know yourself. You feel like you're constantly being "coached/counseled" by a life coach/relationships "expert".

6. S/he won't let you take any responsibility for your role in the break up. Says things like "You were great, I'm the one who messed up" or "You're a wonderful person, I made you do x and y". See this for what it is, "emotional bribery". It takes two to create a relationship and it takes two to destroy it. If /she doesn't get that simple fact, s/he still doesn't get it. It's that simple!

7. S/he is using your family/friends to get to you. Someone who can't come up to you and "face" you has something to hide. I'm not talking about being "friendly" with your family/friends, it's great to have someone who gets along with your family/friends. I am talking about hearing from your friends things like "She says she still loves you", or "He says he wants you back" etc. Someone doing this knows that if and when s/he says those things to you, s/he won't be believed (and for a good reason). So s/he "uses people" who you already trust.

8. S/he is still playing stupid mind-games with you and trying to manipulate your emotions (e.g. trying to make you jealous/angry; ignoring you (NC) or telling you s/he is moving on one minute and the next s/he wants you back).

9. You see obvious signs of the things that made you break up in the first place. From a distance they may not be like a "big deal" but when you get back together, it's same-old-same-old all over again.

10. Last but most important of all, listen to what your gut tells you (it's the wrong person, the wrong relationship or the wrong timing).

If you're really not sure and part of you believes that s/he really has changed, then give it a try, but take very small baby steps - and be mindful of the above red flags.

[Nate]

You must be a really good person for your past lovers to keep coming back. I think there is a quality you posses that they can't find in any other girl.

For me, there are some of my ex that I never wish to be in a relationship with again. However, they are some that I wish the relationship never ended, and will still want them back if they give me the chance.

So, I think you are a good match for him and that's why he wants you back.