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I'm sorry for my very long story.
A few years ago I came in contact with this mysterious guy through an online chatroom. I was in my early twenties (now mid-twenties). We talked on a semi-regular basis but he left me hanging a lot (left without warning, stopped talking all of a sudden). Despite that, I felt like we really clicked, as far as that's possible through online chatting. My friend actually spoke to him long before I did, and they had this flirty friends relationship. It was a bit different for me and him though. After a few months I actually really started to like this guy. We could talk about anything. I went through a rough time back then and I felt like he actually listened to what I was saying. I kept reminding myself that he was flirtatious with my friend as well, so I shouldn't make too much of our conversations. I couldn't help myself though. After a few years I felt like I loved this guy. I actually told him once. He said he loved me too.
i had never talked with anyone like I did with him. It felt so liberating to be able to talk about any subject without judgment. We seemed to have so much in common.
He never tried anything to take whatever we had to the next level, so one time I felt very bold and I asked for his number. He declined, said he had fear of commitment. I felt rejected but I left it at that. I started to realize we'd never become more than just chat buddies, so I kind of backed off.
A year or so later, I got married, had a baby. He mailed me once in a while, asking if I still used that e-mail address. I didn't respond even though the temptation was real. My husband and I fight every other day. I moved to a place without any family or friends and I just felt very lonely. I've been married for 2,5 years.
5 months ago, my friend went to that chatroom again and she saw him there. They spoke, he asked her to add him on skype which she did. The day after that they spoke there and he only asked about me. How I was doing, what I was doing in life. If I was happy. She told him I was married, that i'm a mom now. He seemed kind of hurt by that. He said he was really happy for me but also kind of jealous. He also said some other stuff. When she told me this, it kept me way more busy than I wanted it to. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I decided to mail him saying I was married and that he should back off.
I also saw he added me on Skype again and said 'hi' and I very accidentally answered with an emoji.
He replied to my email a few days later, saying how he didn't know how to respond to my email, saying he had a dream about me the night before where he carved a question in a car for me. He asked me whether or not my friend and I were the same person.
I can understand his confusion, seeing as how my friend and I are very alike, both in age and various other ways. He seemed to have thought that all these years, I was playing a trick on him and invented this whole alter-ego (or I was my friends alter-ego). I assured him we were very much two different people. I wanted to leave it at that, though he asked me a lot of other questions. I felt like it was best to not respond anymore. He kept talking to my friend.
After a few days I mailed him back which started a whole conversation. At first we'd mail each other sporadically, he said he was still single and living with his parents. Fear of commitment, after all. I noticed he didn't respond a lot during the evenings but I didn't think much of it. We had a few fights and at one point he sent me an email saying he' been married for three years and he has a 2 year old kid. His now wife was his girlfriend at the time. In the 2 years we spoke, he had a girlfriend. I was shocked and angry and stopped mailing him.
Somehow we started to talk again a while later. We talked nearly every day for the past 4 months or something. He called me nearly every day. He sent me videos of him, of his kid. He shared a lot with me, and I with him. He said he loved me. I said it back. I tried to end our talks on plenty of different occasions. He never wanted to end our contact. But after we fought a lot the past weeks, he realized it all had gotten out of hand. He told me we should limit our contact because he could tell it was killing me. He changed. He didn't seem to like me very much anymore. Just today said he was busy all the time and he'd only get more busy since he works fulltime and started school again recently. So I asked him if that was it. He said no, but we couldn't talk as much anymore. Later he suggested we contact each other again around June. I laughed at that. I said goodbye and I blocked and deleted him everywhere.
I know I'm probably the worst person in the world. I feel so much guilt, yet so much heartbreak too. I've never felt this bad about losing anyone, ever. We shared our deepest secrets with each other and he became a constant in my life. I know he still thinks we'll talk again in the near future even though I explicitly told him we will never speak again.
It's so hard not to talk to him anymore. I feel so lonely again. So crippled. I don't know how to get over this guilt, but also this heartbreak.
A few years ago I came in contact with this mysterious guy through an online chatroom. I was in my early twenties (now mid-twenties). We talked on a semi-regular basis but he left me hanging a lot (left without warning, stopped talking all of a sudden). Despite that, I felt like we really clicked, as far as that's possible through online chatting. My friend actually spoke to him long before I did, and they had this flirty friends relationship. It was a bit different for me and him though. After a few months I actually really started to like this guy. We could talk about anything. I went through a rough time back then and I felt like he actually listened to what I was saying. I kept reminding myself that he was flirtatious with my friend as well, so I shouldn't make too much of our conversations. I couldn't help myself though. After a few years I felt like I loved this guy. I actually told him once. He said he loved me too.
i had never talked with anyone like I did with him. It felt so liberating to be able to talk about any subject without judgment. We seemed to have so much in common.
He never tried anything to take whatever we had to the next level, so one time I felt very bold and I asked for his number. He declined, said he had fear of commitment. I felt rejected but I left it at that. I started to realize we'd never become more than just chat buddies, so I kind of backed off.
A year or so later, I got married, had a baby. He mailed me once in a while, asking if I still used that e-mail address. I didn't respond even though the temptation was real. My husband and I fight every other day. I moved to a place without any family or friends and I just felt very lonely. I've been married for 2,5 years.
5 months ago, my friend went to that chatroom again and she saw him there. They spoke, he asked her to add him on skype which she did. The day after that they spoke there and he only asked about me. How I was doing, what I was doing in life. If I was happy. She told him I was married, that i'm a mom now. He seemed kind of hurt by that. He said he was really happy for me but also kind of jealous. He also said some other stuff. When she told me this, it kept me way more busy than I wanted it to. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I decided to mail him saying I was married and that he should back off.
I also saw he added me on Skype again and said 'hi' and I very accidentally answered with an emoji.
He replied to my email a few days later, saying how he didn't know how to respond to my email, saying he had a dream about me the night before where he carved a question in a car for me. He asked me whether or not my friend and I were the same person.
I can understand his confusion, seeing as how my friend and I are very alike, both in age and various other ways. He seemed to have thought that all these years, I was playing a trick on him and invented this whole alter-ego (or I was my friends alter-ego). I assured him we were very much two different people. I wanted to leave it at that, though he asked me a lot of other questions. I felt like it was best to not respond anymore. He kept talking to my friend.
After a few days I mailed him back which started a whole conversation. At first we'd mail each other sporadically, he said he was still single and living with his parents. Fear of commitment, after all. I noticed he didn't respond a lot during the evenings but I didn't think much of it. We had a few fights and at one point he sent me an email saying he' been married for three years and he has a 2 year old kid. His now wife was his girlfriend at the time. In the 2 years we spoke, he had a girlfriend. I was shocked and angry and stopped mailing him.
Somehow we started to talk again a while later. We talked nearly every day for the past 4 months or something. He called me nearly every day. He sent me videos of him, of his kid. He shared a lot with me, and I with him. He said he loved me. I said it back. I tried to end our talks on plenty of different occasions. He never wanted to end our contact. But after we fought a lot the past weeks, he realized it all had gotten out of hand. He told me we should limit our contact because he could tell it was killing me. He changed. He didn't seem to like me very much anymore. Just today said he was busy all the time and he'd only get more busy since he works fulltime and started school again recently. So I asked him if that was it. He said no, but we couldn't talk as much anymore. Later he suggested we contact each other again around June. I laughed at that. I said goodbye and I blocked and deleted him everywhere.
I know I'm probably the worst person in the world. I feel so much guilt, yet so much heartbreak too. I've never felt this bad about losing anyone, ever. We shared our deepest secrets with each other and he became a constant in my life. I know he still thinks we'll talk again in the near future even though I explicitly told him we will never speak again.
It's so hard not to talk to him anymore. I feel so lonely again. So crippled. I don't know how to get over this guilt, but also this heartbreak.
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