What to do

[Cora.c]

Me and my boyfriend were together for 7 months and were planning on getting engaged at the end of the year. I had met his parents and he had met mine and used to come over once a week to spend time with my family. His family are quite traditional and wanted his wife to live with them after marriage in their house with his parents and his 2 siblings. However I am not as traditional as his family is so I discussed it with him and he agreed that he would either move into my house with my parents (they are more laid back and not as traditional) or we would get a place together after marriage. The first time his parents spoke with mine his dad agreed to the idea. After this our parents met again on 2 more occasions and discussed the idea of him moving in with me after marriage to which his parents agreed again.

However after the final time of our parents meeting to discuss living arrangements and engagement plans he spoke with his dad again and his dad told him that he wasn't allowed to move in with me and that I would have to live at their house and that's that. This was after his dad agreeing to the whole idea for months up until this point and then he just changed his mind. He was only agreeing to keep his son happy as he controls him quite a bit. However qhen we first spoke about this and decided he would live with me or we would get our own place he told me that his parents would be fine with it and did not even mention to me that it might be a problem with his dad. He let me believe for all this time that his parents didn't have a problem with it only for me to find out that they did when his dad said no to the whole thing after agreeing to it for months.

After this he told me that he loved me so much and wanted to be with me so he would get a place with me regardless of his dad saying no and move out. However as his family are so traditional this would mean that they would probably disown him for a long time because by moving in with me after they said no it would be disrespecting them.
I was still not prepared to live with his family so I told him to make a choice either live with me or end it because I didn't want to agree to him moving out and having all the back lash from the family. So I asked him to have a think and decide what he wanted. He then told me that even though he loved me so much he wouldn't go against his families wishes so we were ending the relationship. Then he back tracked and told me he wanted to be with me and he didn't care what his family says.

He lives with his brother and sister but they don't contribute to the bills at his house he is the only one who pays for all the bills as his dad takes all his money for bills. He is under the thumb of his dad as he never stands up to him and all the times he had chance to tell his dad this is what he wants with me he hasn't. He says if he does this his dad will throw him out but if he really loved me he wouldn't care and would do anything to make it work with Me? Especially as if his dad threw him out he could live with a cousin as he has a big family or i told him he's always welcome to stay with me if that happened. But still he won't stand up to his dad even after having so many opportunities to.
As he had had plenty of opportunity to make it clear to his dad what he wanted and he didn't I told him that I didn't have any confidence or security in that he wouldn't move in with me then back track again and go back to his family. So I said I needed time to clear my head. As I will be in a full time job next year once I finish uni he said that he would wait a year until I'm in work and then we could get a mortgage together. However he has had so much opportunity to prove to me that he wants this so much and hasn't so I don't know if I can believe that he will follow through with living with me and facing years of back lash from his family and them disowning him. So at the moment we have agreed to stay in touch while we clear our heads with a time limit of a year by which point we can decide. His family want to send him back home to get married as he's not with me anymore but he said he won't go unless I tell him I don't want him anymore. I don't know if I can wait for him for a year only for him to change his mind again once we move in together as he says as long as he's with me he doesn't care if his family disown him. However he hasn't shown me any backbone or anything this whole time as he never stands up to his dad about the whole thing and he's had 4 chances to do this and he still hasn't.

I don't know if I'm wasting my time waiting a year and giving him a chance as I do really love him and i cant see myself living without him or getting over this as it was all arranged and then his dad said no and now its all fallen apart. But i feel whatever his dad says he does even after still telling me now that he misses me and loves me even though we are friends and arent together anymore. I don't know what to do as he says that the reason why he hasn't stood up to his dad is because he will have no where to go if he gets thrown out (despite him having a large family and cousins and my house to stay at) and that if we got a mortgage and our own place then he would have somewhere to go if he did get thrown out. But surely if he loved me this much he wouldn't care and would want to be with me So much he would leave anyway? I dont know whether i can trust that he would move in with me next year and wouldnt change his mind years down the line when hes been with me a while and he misses his family. We have agreed to stay in touch as friends for now and not be romantically involved. I don't know if with time I will decide not to take the risk but I don't know whether to carry on as friends for now and see how things go or whether just to accept that this didn't work.

[dray2dj]

I have just a few things for you to think about. First off I do want to point out that 7 months is not a very long time to be with someone. In my experience, and opinion that is not near enough time to know or understand someone. Once you are married, that is the time to begin a life of your own, outside the doors, and arms of both of your parents. If neither one of you are capable of affording to get a place together and begin your lives without your parents help, and or approval, do you truly feel you are ready to begin marriage. Marriage is about partnership, companionship, and support physically, mentally, emotionally,and financially. This sounds like neither one of you can commit to a life with each other yet. You are trying to force him to make decisions against his family that he is unwilling/ unwanting to do yet, and he is trying to appease his family and you which is putting a strain on both of you. This type of strain on a relationship is most certainly not a healthy way of starting a family together.

[Sandra]

Some guys will let you down easy by asking to remain friends, but in reality they don't mean it. Others however, actually want to keep in touch with you... and very often, you with them. Especially in the case of a long-term relationship, it's not easy to just let go of someone you see and talk to on a daily basis. For this reason, friendship with an ex boyfriend may seem attractive to you.

The truth though, is that you're eventually going to get hurt. Either your ex boyfriend will meet someone else, and break your heart... or you'll meet someone else, and have to ditch the friendship for the sake of your new relationship. No boyfriend you begin seeing is going to understand when you tell him you still hang out and talk with your ex. Likewise, any new girl that your ex boyfriend dates is going to hate you on principal: after all, you've been intimate and close with her new man. Neither of these situations is appealing, and there's no easy solution to them.

Now you may think being friends with your ex is a good way of getting back into a relationship with him, but you couldn't be more wrong. The reverse is proven to be true: friendship provides your ex with just about everything he needs from a relationship with you, but without the burden of commitment. He has no incentive to date you again, because he's already got the companionship. And as far as sex goes, your ex can get that elsewhere... or he can even try to initiate sexual contact with you again, especially if he knows you want him. Sleeping with your ex might be comforting for a while, but ultimately it doesn't work in getting him back.

But wait, there's some good news too. If your ex suggests staying friends after he ends things, there's a very good chance he's still not sure of the breakup. He wants to keep you close while he makes up his mind whether or not he wants to date you again. He might try a new relationship, or he might stay single for a while... but as long as you're still friends with him he's going to keep your breakup going strong. As long as you're on the other end of that phone or keyboard, your ex boyfriend will feel comfortable enough to keep right on looking.

If your ex boyfriend wants to be friends with you, take advantage of it in order to get him back. Push him out of his comfort zone. Instead of agreeing to happily hang out with him on a platonic basis, let him know you don't think it's such a good idea. Pull away from him, and leave him alone for a while. This will make him miss you, and think about the relationship.

When you don't contact your ex, he'll start worrying that you are the one who's moving on. And if he loves you, he'll be extremely upset when that happens. This will lead him back to you, all because you refused his offer and broke contact.

Don't settle for friendship when you really want your ex back. Too often it will lead to the post-breakup heartache and pain that you're only delaying. By calling his bluff, you'll find out whether he truly loves you or not. If he's still got strong feelings for you, then you've got nothing to worry about.