Marital conflict - has feelings for another man not sure if she loves me

[dray2dj]

I'd like to give you a quick rundown of my current situation. In December I unexpectedly lost my Father at age 53 to a heart attack in his office at work. The very next day his good friend/boss/lifelong business partner passed away unexpectedly. I never really figured out how to grieve.I suppose during this process I became distant with my wife. Fast forward
4 months. For the majority of my wife and I's relationship she has been a stay at home mother. We have 4 children and now the youngest is 7. I noticed over the past few years she has been more and more depressed, seemed unhappy. I assumed it was due to feeling trapped at home constantly and feeling as though she didn't have a social life/life outside of the
home. I encouraged her over the past few years to search for a job if she wanted to. She decided to take a job position on mid nights. She was seeming more energetic, and happy, and began making friends and wanting to do more. I was/am so proud of her and happy. I was the plant manager of a company during this time frame of her starting this job. At which time my
company, along with multiple other companies, were purchased as a merger to a major corporation. My company being the smallest was decided upon to close the facility and move all equipment to open slots at other locations. I was responsibly for informing 30 employees that they no longer had a job. I was then transferred to one of the companies and placed as the
maintenance manager. This company just so happened to be the company my father worked for. So now everyday I walk by my fathers office, and it is still in the exact same condition it was the day he passed. All these negative experiences taking place in my life in a very short time frame, all happening while my wife is experiencing a tremendous amount of positive and very much so enjoying life. Over the course of the next few months my work load became heavier and heavier. More expectations, running multiple facilities and responsible for much more equipment and people. I was putting longer and longer hours in. She began to get irritated with me, although we did sit down and discuss multiple times the new requirements of my career at which we both said we understood and it was going to be OK, and only temporary until things settled down. Little did I know that it was not OK with her. Move forward to August. I received a letter from my wife
telling me she has started to develop feelings for another man in which she works with. She said she understood it was not ok and was doing her best to try to deal with it, but because of this has began questioning whether or not we still love each other. She said she has been depressed for years and asked me if it was just her and if we are still ok. With everything
happening in my life, and then receiving this letter my emotions went into over drive and I feel I started to go crazy. I made demands that she cut off contact with him. I've made pleas, and left love letters and notes and flowers in her vehicle, in our bed expressing my love for her. All things that were actually driving her away. She has put up a wall with me over this past month and 1/2. She has not spoke more than 2 words to me. She has also snuck out to hang out with friends knowing he was going to be there. She has went to his house to "watch movies" and to get away from the reality of life that we are in right now. She also has gone to his house numerous times during their lunch break. All things that she has admitted to and did not deny. The only reason she has admitted to them is because I found them in text messages. She is not deleting any text messages or trying to hide anything. It almost feels as though she wants me to see them to drive me away so she doesn't feel guilty in regards to ending the marriage. I don't want to end the marriage I want to save it. I truly love her. For the past 1.5 weeks she has cut off all contact with him. No
longer texts him, calls him, or sees him except having to be at work. Even though she has done this she still will not talk to me or acknowledge my existence. I'm at my wits end, lost, confused, lonely etc.

1. What do I need to do to help control my emotions to a point that she is
wanting to be around me again and possibly try to communicate. I think she
is stonewalling me because of my emotional reactions, and not
necessarily because of the relationship status. How do I reconnect with a
spouse who seems unwilling to want to reconnect?

2. Finding a good answer to this problem may not necessarily save our
marriage. It would save our friendship which in turn will possibly save
our marriage. Finding a good answer for this will at least allow me to get
my sanity and my emotions back in check and allow for a healthy return to
the relationship. Knowing a good answer and response to our current
situation will allow me to act out of respect and love, rather than anger
and
fear. By doing so it will also allow me to know that IF this ends, I can be
confident in knowing I've done everything I can to save a relationship,
friendship, marriage I feel is truly worth saving.

3. It has not been easy finding answers. There is many self help books, and
marriage related books and I've noticed a lot of them have conflicting
suggestions. I know there is more then one approach for every situation
I am just looking to try and get a clear approach for my situation.

Thanks for your time

[Gloria]

The thought of losing your wife can be very devastating. However, you should learn to get off from questioning yourself, "why my wife fell in love with another man?" It will only get your mind confused what you should do to win her heart back. It will only give you heartache and sadness when you start to wonder why. For worse, you may show out your emotions without realizing that you are looking desperate especially when you try to beg her not to leave you.

You have to live your mind that you can be strong even without her. It is only when you overcome this fear of losing her, you will know how to save this marriage confidently. One thing for sure, your wife will definitely still have feelings for you because your love with her is built over the years and it is not something that can be destroyed over the days or months. This is also one of the biggest assets to penetrate into her heart and save the marriage again.

Be mature and let her see the positive changes in you. Do some soul searching, are you still the same man that she fell in love with initially? Emotional attachment is one important aspect that most women will see. Try hard to bring back the communication into your marriage, let her know that you are not only a good husband but also a good listener and advisor. Make her feel love so that your wife can feel that she is important to this family.

"my wife fell in love with another man" is also not a sudden thing that will appear over the night. It is obvious that something is lacking in the marriage and probably this affair can give her what she wants. So, do not start pushing the blames around saying that it is because of this or that to have this problem. Never try to make her jealous by getting another woman to spite her, this will only push her further away. No pathetic behavior to make her feel guilty towards you as well.

[Brett]

When you feel like your wife doesn't love you anymore, there are things that you can do to win her love back, and to save your marriage.

The longer a couple is married, the more comfortable they get with each other. The phrase 'for two to live as one' takes on a whole new meaning. The couple completes each other. Without their spouse, a person wouldn't know what to do with themselves. The more comfortable you get, unfortunately, the less you try to make each other happy. Of course, you want each other to be happy - you love each other dearly. But you don't take the time or make the effort to compliment each other, or do nice things for each other anymore.

As we grow older, we change. So does our marriage. These changes can be subtle, and we adjust gradually to them, or they can be drastic, and we are jolted by them.

Many marriages have a lot of stress. Financial worries, activities with the kids, in-law issues, not having time to spend with each other. These are just some examples of the stresses that marriages face. When one or both of you is under so much stress, it seems impossible to be happy. Some people deal with this stress by talking about it. Some people keep it all inside, and it eventually build up until that person just can't take it anymore.

When that happens, a spouse may close themselves off from everyone and everything around them, including their spouse. This causes you to think that your wife doesn't love you anymore, and causes even more stress for you.

It's not that she doesn't love you, but it may be that she can't deal with everything that is going on. She may be afraid that your marriage is failing, or she may be depressed. Both of these will make it seem like she doesn't love you. She DOES love you, or she wouldn't have married you. If you have been married for a long time, do you think she would have stayed with you for so long, if she didn't love you?

A lot of things can make it seem like your spouse doesn't love you. The best thing you can do is to talk to her. Tell her how you feel. She probably never even thought that you feel this way.