Complicated Relationship (need advice)

[soulremover]

Hey there guys and girls. I will tell you my story and i would appreciate all the help i can get from you.
So, i was with this girl for 4 years. She dumbed me because we didn't go out as much as she wanted, she blamed me for not being there for her, that i didn't care for her, that i didn't take care of my self, that we hadn't holidays together etc etc...

I had a very energy and time consuming job for the first three years. I was always tired and not in the mood of going out... then i quitted this job and I was unemployed for the last year.. I was kinda depressed of not having a job.
she discussed me about our problems like a year ago and I told her that in was going to work on our problems and change... I didn't change.. three months ago we had the same conversation , but then she was thinking the break up. I promised her lots of things again and that this time I would change for real. And that time I started to be more social , going out with her for a little while and then i ended up to be "the old me" again.
now that I lost her I realised more things and more problems that we had and this time I am willing to try my best.
I started to change and to be how she likes from me to be and she sees that but she is afraid that this will not last again and she doesn't want to loose more time from her life ..

She told me that she wanted space and time to think.. 1 moth passed and i contacted her and she told me that she was willing to give me a second chance but she told me that she was afraid to be with me again, she loves me but she is not in love with me and that she cannot see me sexually anymore.

2 weeks passed after we agreed to be together again, i did all the things for her to show her that i understood some things and now i am willing to be a "better" boyfriend for her but she stills does not feel anything about me... the sex was horrible, too much insecurity etc...
She told me that she should not give me this second chance so soon because in that 1 month she didn't really missed me...

We spend the last two weeks "together" but today I told her that I cannt do this anymore , I cannt be the only one that tries to fix this relationship and that despite the fact she told me to try again she didn't actually tried at all...
she told me that she knows what she needs and that is time and space and I told her to take as much time and space she needs to figure things out
She loves me and i know it... But will she ever be in love with me again ? Will she ever see me sexually again ?
What should i do for now on? I told her to take her time... As much as she needs, and when she thinks she is ready to contact me but i hope not to be too late for both of us...
I want her so much... I understood my mistakes and i want her back to be a real couple.. a proper couple this time.

[Jane]

If you want to make your her fall back in love with you she has to become the main focus in your life again. Like most men, you probably have a career to tend to and children to raise, but in addition you also have a marriage to nurture. Unless you're devoting time and attention to your girlfriend, the connection that should be there will disappear. Marriages take effort and attention and you need to put yours at the top of your priority list again. Rearrange your schedule so you have more time to spend with your girlfriend. Even taking an hour out of your day each evening to just talk with her can really make a huge difference in how you two relate to one another.

Romancing your girlfriend is another wonderful approach to take if you want to get her to feel closer to you again. The romance in most marriages slips away after the honeymoon phase has come and gone. Instead of bringing your girlfriend flowers to surprise her, you stop to get a carton of milk. In some cases a husband becomes so overloaded with responsibility that he even forgets his girlfriend's birthday or their wedding anniversary. Your girlfriend isn't going to feel as emotionally connected to you if she feels that you're not paying her the attention she deserves. Begin doing romantic things for her. These don't have to be huge extravagant things. Even a small love note tucked in her purse or a call in the middle of the day saying you are so grateful she married you can help her feel wanted and desired again.

Also, make a point of asking your girlfriend if there's anything you could be doing for her that you're not doing. This type of question can make a woman feel valued again because it's obvious that her husband wants her to be happy. If she offers suggestions for things you can do to help her feel loved, do them. Your attitude right now should be to do whatever it takes to get her to love you more.

[John]

If you want to win her back, be certain of the techniques that you are using to make her love you again. If you are truly serious about it, you can't afford to take any chances.

Use the techniques that have been tested to insure positive results. Of course, these are only guides; the actual work is in your hands.

1. Respect her decision to have the break-up. Do not let her leave with a bitter taste in your mouth. Let her go without knowing how devastated you feel.

2. This oft quote statement gives a certain degree of consolation. When you love someone, let her go; if she returns, she will be yours; but if she does not, she has never been yours.

3. Do not bombard her with emails, notes and texts. Cut off any communication and resist any temptation to call her. This cooling off period is good in repairing relationships.

4. When you are out of her sight, you will be constantly in her mind. She will wonder what is keeping you away; and then she starts thinking about your enjoyable past and begins missing you.

5. Meanwhile keep yourself busy; develop yourself physically and mentally. You will feel confident with your new look and mental attitude.

6. When your intuition states that the time is proper, allow her to communicate. Do not show eagerness but do the communication, a little at a time.

[WhatAbout Me]

I have been in a similar situation in the past and have tried most of the techniques John mentioned above. #1 seems to be easier said than done. It is very hard to hide your feelings especially when you are hurt by the break up. I am currently going through this myself and it is very exhausting mentally to continually put on that fake smile when you want so much more with that person. My girl is moving across the country in a few months and decided to end the relationship a couple of weeks ago saying it would be easier on both of us if we just ended it now, but she wants to remain friends. I am trying to be friends with her but it is hard when you constantly think about them and want nothing more than to spend every remaining second you have left with them. Because of that, I don't know if it will be easier when that day finally comes and she is gone but I have to think it wont be.

#2, 3 and 4 have backfired with miserable results. While I do agree with them I am not sure how #2 and 3 work in getting them to miss you. When I have tried them in the past it seemed like they failed. We would go days or weeks without any communication and when we finally did talk it was always that she was waiting to hear from me. I think it is a no win situation. If you reach out to them you can come across as desperate and needy when in reality you just want to talk to them. If you don't reach out to them than they think you don't care about them or the relationship. There has to be a line you can walk between no contact and too much contact......I've just never found it. #4 cam drive you absolutely crazy! Will you constantly be on her mind? Will she wonder why you are staying away? Will that lead her to thinking about you and wanting you again? Who knows.

#5 is true. You need to find something that will occupy your mind and time. The more time you spend sitting around by yourself, the more you will be thinking about them and will eventually drive you crazy.

#6 is hard. The longer the lack of communication goes on the harder it is to not show happiness and eagerness. It is hard to keep those emotions under wraps especially when that little piece of communication is what you've been wanting.