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So I'm not much of a forum user but I really don't have anyone else to talk to. I tend to get long-winded so bear with me... I pretty much think I know what people's responses will be. But to me it's not that cut and dried. I am no beauty queen and was single for a good 25 years and never really had a relationship before.
My man and I are both 52 and have been together about 2 1/2 years. He is truly my first love and honest to goodness real relationship. He was married when we met but the divorce process was already in action. I was (and still am) in a bad spot. He basically took me in as a stranger and provided everything for me as my world was a mess and things grew from there. We lived at his brother's house. His brother was in jail for the first 30 days at which time we moved into the basement. Shortly after the upstairs tenant was evicted and we moved up there. The doors were always open but we still had our separate residences.
Things were great as new relationships are. We laughed so much and while in the beginning we had sex every night that soon dwindled down to every few months. It upset me but I don't believe then it was anything other than what it was and him struggling with maybe ED. His brother is a pill addict and I soon grew resentful of this. Later we moved into a different one-family house and it started to become unbearable. We supported the entire household which at times included his nephew and the brother's ex wife.
I started to become depressed again. Finally we bought a house that we are now renovating (this is all summarized as to not give out too much personal info). In September I became really sick with the flu and he was a complete ass. It took three days until he started to try to take care of me. My depression, the flu, menopause, diabetes and thyroid all took over and I became a very ugly person. All we did was fight, break up, make up and repeat. It finally came to a head a couple of weeks ago and we were done. He said it wasn't in his nature to support me emotionally the way I needed. I finally go through to him about how meds can and do just stop working and with all the other factors what happened. So now we're back on track...
A few weeks ago when we were not getting along so well I noticed some texts pop up on his phone. They were innocent enough, I didn't really read much but it was clearly instinctual they were from a female. I then told him his son was calling. He answered the phone and proceeded to put it in his pocket which he never does, it's always lying right here. He's not big on the phone and especially when here working on the house throws it down wherever and pretty much ignores it all day. Now it's always on him or right next to him as he texts away while telling me it's someone from work. I know the password but I don't snoop, until last night.
Here's where we say I clearly don't trust him and that says everything right there. But I love him, don't want to be rejected and don't want to be alone the rest of my life. Anyway he texted from work he was going out with his boss and another coworker but was stopping home quick to change and check on me (here sick again). He was so worried about what he was wearing and then after saying he'd hurry out, sat here with me for awhile. There were other clues and I couldn't help myself from checking his phone once he was home and knocked out. The texts were all from yesterday so I would guess he deletes them regularly as there were no texts from the supposed coworkers he was talking to (or wasn't, hard to tell as he is management). Anyway she had texted him to see if they were still on. He sat with me because she thought he was picking her up? later than what he thought. She apologized to him for not being very exciting and he said something about next time a goodnight kiss and good night babe. I don't think much of endearments because he calls many honey, sweetie, babe, etc.
So obviously I haven't admitted to what I did. I did tell him I thought he went on a date and the reasons why. I can see how he may have started talking to someone when we were fighting. But to perpetuate it. He treats me well and we're getting that old spark back, so I thought. All the reasons why I'm crazy for thinking he went on a date, etc. I guess I sound pretty damn pathetic typing this out but I don't know how to let go and be alone again. I was single a long time and I'm a huge introverted homebody not that I even want to think about meeting anyone else at this point. But I was actually having a bit of anxiety on the way home from work just thinking about all of this. And I'm still in a state although I think the doctor and I have finally found the new working mediation combination. I have no self esteem and never have and I don't think I need a man to validate myself. But I do want to stay where I'm comfortable.
Well I think that's enough. I feel like I'm just talking gibberish right now and not making a lick of sense. I will appreciate any and all gentle responses. I already feel an idiot enough that I really don't need any criticism.
Thank you
My man and I are both 52 and have been together about 2 1/2 years. He is truly my first love and honest to goodness real relationship. He was married when we met but the divorce process was already in action. I was (and still am) in a bad spot. He basically took me in as a stranger and provided everything for me as my world was a mess and things grew from there. We lived at his brother's house. His brother was in jail for the first 30 days at which time we moved into the basement. Shortly after the upstairs tenant was evicted and we moved up there. The doors were always open but we still had our separate residences.
Things were great as new relationships are. We laughed so much and while in the beginning we had sex every night that soon dwindled down to every few months. It upset me but I don't believe then it was anything other than what it was and him struggling with maybe ED. His brother is a pill addict and I soon grew resentful of this. Later we moved into a different one-family house and it started to become unbearable. We supported the entire household which at times included his nephew and the brother's ex wife.
I started to become depressed again. Finally we bought a house that we are now renovating (this is all summarized as to not give out too much personal info). In September I became really sick with the flu and he was a complete ass. It took three days until he started to try to take care of me. My depression, the flu, menopause, diabetes and thyroid all took over and I became a very ugly person. All we did was fight, break up, make up and repeat. It finally came to a head a couple of weeks ago and we were done. He said it wasn't in his nature to support me emotionally the way I needed. I finally go through to him about how meds can and do just stop working and with all the other factors what happened. So now we're back on track...
A few weeks ago when we were not getting along so well I noticed some texts pop up on his phone. They were innocent enough, I didn't really read much but it was clearly instinctual they were from a female. I then told him his son was calling. He answered the phone and proceeded to put it in his pocket which he never does, it's always lying right here. He's not big on the phone and especially when here working on the house throws it down wherever and pretty much ignores it all day. Now it's always on him or right next to him as he texts away while telling me it's someone from work. I know the password but I don't snoop, until last night.
Here's where we say I clearly don't trust him and that says everything right there. But I love him, don't want to be rejected and don't want to be alone the rest of my life. Anyway he texted from work he was going out with his boss and another coworker but was stopping home quick to change and check on me (here sick again). He was so worried about what he was wearing and then after saying he'd hurry out, sat here with me for awhile. There were other clues and I couldn't help myself from checking his phone once he was home and knocked out. The texts were all from yesterday so I would guess he deletes them regularly as there were no texts from the supposed coworkers he was talking to (or wasn't, hard to tell as he is management). Anyway she had texted him to see if they were still on. He sat with me because she thought he was picking her up? later than what he thought. She apologized to him for not being very exciting and he said something about next time a goodnight kiss and good night babe. I don't think much of endearments because he calls many honey, sweetie, babe, etc.
So obviously I haven't admitted to what I did. I did tell him I thought he went on a date and the reasons why. I can see how he may have started talking to someone when we were fighting. But to perpetuate it. He treats me well and we're getting that old spark back, so I thought. All the reasons why I'm crazy for thinking he went on a date, etc. I guess I sound pretty damn pathetic typing this out but I don't know how to let go and be alone again. I was single a long time and I'm a huge introverted homebody not that I even want to think about meeting anyone else at this point. But I was actually having a bit of anxiety on the way home from work just thinking about all of this. And I'm still in a state although I think the doctor and I have finally found the new working mediation combination. I have no self esteem and never have and I don't think I need a man to validate myself. But I do want to stay where I'm comfortable.
Well I think that's enough. I feel like I'm just talking gibberish right now and not making a lick of sense. I will appreciate any and all gentle responses. I already feel an idiot enough that I really don't need any criticism.
Thank you
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