When a girl turns suddenly cold

[dan4112]

So, what made the breakup so harsh was the way it happened. We had been dating for 4 months and met once or twice a week. Every day since the day I met her we kept in touch messaging each other multiple times a day. We had little troubles sometimes but nothing big and our relationship was serious. The last time we were together she stayed at my place. The next day I had to go tutor and so I left first. She left about 30 minutes after me to go back to her home. When I got back to my place after tutoring, I saw that she had left messages on post-it notes and put them on my computer monitor. They were nice messages and on one she had taken my pink highlighter and drew a pink heart and wrote "Love You" under it. So that made me feel really good and there was absolutely no trouble in our relationship then. Things started to change a couple of days later after her job interview. She had been looking for a job for a couple of months and was stressed about not finding one. Her last interview I guess didn't go well. She started messaging me less frequently but we stayed in contact for a couple of days after that. Anyway, I asked her how it went and if she liked that company. She said "not really" and sent me emoticons indicating she was sad. I tried to call her that night to talk but her phone was on do not disturb mode. So I sent her a message asking her to call me if she had time. Then the next morning I saw that she had checked the message but didn't respond. (We use a messenger program called kakao which lets you know when the other person has checked your message.) So, I sent her an emoticon in the morning, but she didn't respond or even check that message all day. So, I got worried and tried to call her after work. She didn't answer so I sent her some more messages asking why she didn't contact me all day and if she's ok. Then I finally got a message about 30 minutes later that said "Nothing~ I just want to be alone. I need time to concentrate myself to writing new resume" (Her English isn’t perfect - she's Korean) I sent her a message back and said ok, but please don't ignore me. That makes me feel really bad and you could have told me that earlier instead of ignoring my messages. Then I told her I loved her and hopes she writes a good resume and she can call me anytime if she wants to talk. She still hadn't checked those messages by the time I went to bed. But I just went to sleep. However, I didn't sleep much. I woke up for some reason really early, like 4:30 am. I checked my phone and saw that she still hadn't checked my last messages. Then I got on facebook and was looking on there for awhile when I happened to notice that I couldn't find her on my facebook app. I later checked facebook on my computer and found out she was still my friend but had deactivated her account. This made me really worried because she loved checking the videos and posts on facebook. She used to check it many times a day. So it had been maybe an hour or two since I woke up by this time and I checked kakao again. That's when I saw that she had checked my messages but hadn't responded. She had also changed her kakao status message to "I find nothing more depressing than optimism". So, I knew she had been awake since the time I first woke up until then, which was maybe an hour and a half later. So, I tried to call her but she didn't answer. So, I sent her some more messages on kakao asking why she deleted facebook and that this must be more serious than just wanting to be alone for awhile and work on her resume. I asked her to please tell me what's going on. Anyway, she didn't check those messages. But I knew she was awake and on kakao when I sent them because I saw the red dot by her name which means you are on kakao right now. So she got my messages and was awake and on kakao when I sent them but still didn't check them or respond. Then a few minutes later the red dot disappeared meaning she had closed her kakao app.

Later that morning, she still hadn't checked my messages, so I sent a couple more messages and said "Even if you are depressed, I'm your boyfriend! Please talk to me." but she didn't check those all day long too. So, I was really worried because this was very strange behavior. Like I said, we had contacted each other multiple times a day since the first day we met. And our relationship seemed fine before this happened.

That night after work I went to the area where she lives thinking maybe if I came there she would know how much I care about her and come down and see me. But I sent her messages telling her I was there and stayed there for 3 hours messaging her every 30 minutes, but she didn't check. So, it was Friday night and I went to hang out with friends. Saturday morning she finally checked my messages and said "What is it? Anyway, Just leave me alone please, I think you don't understand me. But Sometimes I'm really really selfish when I told you before. But I need a time to concentrate to myself, only me, without anyone. So don't come to my place anymore. I don't go out. Now, most important is only me and get a new job quickly. I can't concentrate more than two things. I hope you know what I mean." I was really confused because I was her boyfriend and someone she loved. If she was having a hard time in her life, I should be one person she talks about it to and comes to for support. But here she was totally cutting me off and acting like she doesn't care about me at all right now. So anyway, I sent her some messages explaining my feelings and asking her to please call me later and talk about what's going on. She never even checked.

Sunday morning, I sent a couple more messages that went unchecked. So, finally I took the advice of my friends and just stopped contacting her. 5 days went by, during which time I didn’t send her any message or try to call her, and she still hadn't checked any of my messages from the last time I had messaged her. Her facebook page was reactivated and she was still my friend, but she hadn't been on facebook. There had been no activity on facebook by her. So, her facebook page must have automatically reactivated after a few days. She still had that depressing status message and I hadn't seen any activity from her on kakao. So, I got worried again because even though my friends told me it probably means she wants to break up, she hadn't said anything about breaking up, just needing to be alone and concentrate on getting a job. But I was her boyfriend and if she cared at all about our relationship she should at least check my messages and stay in contact, even just to send one message a day or one message every other day. But I had heard nothing in over 5 days and didn't see any activity from her, so I got worried she might have committed suicide because she was so depressed. I sent her another message that said "Are you still alive? If you want to break up with me, that's ok. If so, I'll stop contacting you and find another girl. But please just let me know you are alive and ok. Because all I know right now is that you were really depressed before you stopped contacting me and you haven't changed your status message on kakao or been on facebook or sent me any message in over 5 days. Even though you want to focus on getting a job, I don't understand how you could just cut off all contact with someone you love for so long, not even send one message every couple of days. I worry about you and just want to know you are still alive." I also had my Korean friend translate a message for me explaining how she had stress about finding work and that she hadn't contacted me in almost a week and I was really worried about her. I went on facebook and searched through her friends until I found one of her friends who I had met one night and who was a really nice guy and talked to me a lot when we met together. I requested that he be my friend and posted the message as a comment to his most recent post, asking at the end that if she's ok can you please tell me and if he knows anything about her recently to please tell me. Well, just a few minutes after I posted that, he accepted my friend request. He's connected to a lot of her other friends and I'm sure he started trying to contact her and her friends right away to see what was up because he remembered me and knew how much she liked me. Well two hours later, without hearing anything from him, he unfriended me. So, he must have found out something but just didn't tell me. I was hurt by that because in my message to him I said I was really worried and just wanted to know if she was ok. All I can guess is that he found out she was ok but didn't want to be my boyfriend anymore, so he just unfriended me. However, I still didn't know for sure what was going on. But then the next morning my girlfriend sent me the last message I ever received from her and said "Stop contact to me anymore and delete that comment what you wrote to my friend Facebook. I told you before, I can't concentrate to myself when I dating with you. Family trouble and hard to get a job. I think that's enough to give me a stress. So I delete my Facebook and Instagram, don't call me and text to me anymore. We done. Go to find another girl whatever I don't care."

Finally, at least I knew she was alive. But her last messages to me were so cold, not showing any indication that she still cared about me. She had me worrying about her for a week, not checking any of my messages and totally ignoring me. And remember, this was someone who just a few days before she cut off contact, had told me she loved me and seemed to really care about me. I don't get how you can love someone one minute and the next just totally close off your heart and act like you completely don't care about them. I could understand it if I did something wrong, like cheat on her. But I didn't do anything wrong to her and our relationship seemed great. Then suddenly she gets a lot of stress and bam - You're dead to me now.

[dan4112]

And at this point, I just don’t have any good answers to why or how she could do what she did. All I can think is that this must just be the way she copes with the family and job stress she's under. She can't have a relationship right now and care about me and try to see me because of the problems she's dealing with. So her way of dealing with that is to completely shut me out of her heart and mind. But she could have been more kind about it. And if she wanted to break up, then why wouldn’t she tell me that from the beginning? Also, after she texted me her last message about breaking up, I knew that she must still be in contact with others, and checking her messages every day. Otherwise, if she was shutting everyone out and not talking to anyone, she wouldn’t know about my facebook post to her friend. So, that’s hard thinking that she was still talking to people and checking her messages, just not mine. I would have given her time and not met her for a while while she focused on getting a job. But, as her boyfriend and someone she cares about, she should have at least stayed in contact with me even if she didn’t send a message very often. But she totally shut me out of her life, started completely ignoring me, and acted like she completely didn’t care about me anymore. If she was having problems in her life, I should be someone she talks to about it and I could comfort her. Anyway, I’m just so confused because I know…I know she must have cared about me because she showed that she did many times during our relationship. So, to go from caring about me and loving me to suddenly not caring and ignoring me completely is really hard to understand, no matter what problems she was having in life.

I must admit though that I wasn't completely satisfied with the relationship because she lives with her mom kind of far from my place, so she couldn't come over as often as I would have liked. And even though she did stay at my place overnight many times, she couldn't always do that because her mom didn't like it. So, I would sometimes get lonely because of that and wished I could see her more. And there were other times when it seemed like she didn't care about me as much as I would have liked. However there were just as many times when she did show that she really cared about me. But even though there were times when she wasn't as caring as I would have liked, she never ignored me or my messages for a long time or did anything really bad to me. And she had never before cut off contact with me, even for a day. I really did love her and know deep down she must have loved and cared about me, but she's just turned cold and has blocked off those emotions while she deals with the problems she's having.

It’s just hard to move on because she stopped all contact and it's hard for me to get closure because I don't know why she did that. I just wish I could talk to her one more time and ask her why she just cut off all contact with me like that and if she really did stop caring about me and suddenly didn't love me anymore. But one of my good friends told me that if she did really love and care about me then eventually she will miss me and might contact me again. The important thing is that I don't try to contact her anymore because right now that would only annoy her. But if I never try to contact her again, then if she really did love me and care about me she will eventually miss me and be sad. I don't think I would ever get back together with her after this, but it would be nice just to talk to her one more time and get some answers.

[dan4112]

There’s one freaky side note to all this. I just keep thinking about the very last time we met. As I mentioned, she was at my house and I had to leave to go tutor and she left about 30 minutes after me. Anyway, before I left I just hugged her for about 10 or 15 minutes. I don't know why, but it was the longest hug I've ever given her. And when I got back home, like I said, I found post it notes from her on my monitor. On one she had taken my pink highlighter and drew a heart and wrote Love You under it. And here's the scary part that sends chills down my spine. On another post it note she wrote "Bye" 4 different ways. She said

Bye (My name)

Bye tiger

Bye honey

Bye

I didn't know it at the time that that meant bye forever and I'm sure she didn't know it because on another post it note she said she left her scarf at my place but would get it next time she came over. But it's just so freaky that maybe somewhere in our souls we both knew that our relationship was about to end and that's why I gave her such an extra long hug before I left and she wrote those messages. She's left a post-it message for me before, but never said that. It’s almost as if the universe was preparing me for what was about to happen and letting me know from that heart post-it that she did love me, and from the Bye message that she was about to go away. What about the other post-it saying she would get her scarf next time? Is that a message that she’ll be back? I don’t know it’s just weird that that happened.

[Jerome]

So, finally I took the advice of my friends and just stopped contacting her.

The best advice you got was from that friend of yours. I feel you have messed things up by terrorizing her with too many messages. She had not broken up with you but wanted time to herself, and you are suppose to respect what she want.

[Peggy]

'I think we need a break from each other - I need my own space for a while.'

Lots of men will hear these words at some point, and they often induce feelings of fear and panic. My girlfriend wants a break from me! Why?

It's easy to jump to terrible conclusions about where your relationship is headed, and this can cause you to lose your nerve and make some very unwise moves.

Despite your natural alarm and dread when you hear this, it's important to keep calm. There are several reasons for this.

• Decisions made in fear are usually bad ones
• Actions taken in haste are also likely to be regretted later
• Displaying self-control will impress your girlfriend
• Giving yourself some time to think will help you to see the situation more clearly

Remember that she hasn't said she wants to end the relationship, so although she clearly has issues, they haven't become deal-breakers - yet. And how you behave now could make all the difference to what happens next.

What Exactly Does She Mean By A Break?

A break means she wants to take some time out from being together. Your relationship isn't over, but she has reasons for wanting to put things on hold for a while. There are three typical explanations for this.

The first is that she has problems that are not directly connected to your relationship, but which are consuming her attention to the point where she feels unable to give you the commitment you want. This could be personal or family problems, illness or a very stressful situation at work. Whatever the reason, she needs to reduce the pressure she is under, and her way of doing this is to put a certain section of her life on hold.

The second reason is that your relationship IS the problem for her, and she wants some time alone to think about whether you really are right for each other. This doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't love you; it may be that your values or ambitions are so different that it's becoming hard to see how you can build a happy future together.

The third reason is that she wants to break up with you, but she is scared of hurting your feelings by telling you so starkly all at once; so she is trying to soften the blow by putting some distance between you first.

How Much Trouble Does This Imply For Your Relationship?

How serious it is for your relationship depends a lot on the reason. But whatever has caused it, the way you respond will make a big difference.

It's likely that your instinctive reaction will be to try to pull her back towards you. Whenever there is a problem, men's first reaction is try to find out what it is and then fix it as quickly as possible. But you need to respect the fact that it's not your problem, and your girlfriend needs to be allowed to work things out for herself, and in her own time.

Remember that she is already under pressure, so putting more pressure on her will only drive a bigger wedge between you. She has asked for space, and if you don't give it to her willingly then she will feel misunderstood and misused, and she will become even more determined to put distance between you.

But if you are clever, you will display the self-control and understanding to let her go for a while; because this is the most likely way to bring her back towards you eventually. By giving her nothing to fight against, you will undermine any negative feelings she may have towards you; and by giving her the opportunity to miss you, she is more likely to suffer feelings of loss and regret because you are no longer a presence in her life.

How Can I Help To Fix The Relationship?

By now you'll know that the best thing is to give her the space she needs. This will earn you her respect and gratitude, and make her see you as a man of high value. This in itself will make you more attractive to her.

She will also learn what it is really like to live her life without you. If your relationship still holds any value for her, this will do more than anything to make her appreciate it and decide to stay with you. It could be the beginning of a better relationship than you ever had before.

It will be hard to back off when this goes against what you really want to do, which is to keep her close to you. But you need to be strong here, and believe that she will still be thinking of you, even though she's not seeing you right now. Accept that she is confused or unsure about something, and that you need to let her come to her own decision about what's right for her.

It's possible to influence some people to make the decision you want by using various forms of pressure, but making someone do something against their will causes resentment to build up and usually backfires in the end. For a relationship to work, you must both want to be in it.

My Girlfriend Wants a Break - Use the Time Productively

Use this opportunity to see old friends and spend more time doing the things you enjoy. Above all, don't let your girlfriend see you moping and depressed, or try to tell her how much you miss her. Looking desperate is always an attraction killer. You will find the time passes much quicker and less stressfully if you keep yourself busy. You will also add to your social value when she sees that you are enjoying yourself and in demand.

When she's ready to see you again, you will have plenty to talk about in a way which will make it clear that you can have a good life without her. Make it clear that you are willing to talk about where you relationship fits into your life now, but instilling some fear of loss will help to focus her mind on how much she really wants you.

Your aim is appear neither too desperate nor too cool. As long as you keep the right balance when you see her again, you will at least be able to find out more clearly where you stand. Remember the three possible reasons why she wanted to take a break. Even if it was the third reason, by handling yourself as a high value man you stand a good chance of finding in time that she still wants to be with you.

[dan4112]

This is great advice and thank you for providing it. I understand all these things now and will give her her space. However, I fear I may have already ruined things by acting desperate and needy in the days immediately following her wanting to be alone. And then maybe I embarrassed her by contacting her friend on facebook about the situation. And in her last message after that she said we are done. Do you think I've completely ruined things, or if I back off now and don't contact her at all she might still come back? I know for a fact that the reason she needed space was to sort out other problems in her life and that it wasn't me.

[Scot]

As we all know, relationships go through phases. There are the good times and there are the not so good times. It's quite seasonal in nature. In fact we cant really judge someone just because one season is not as good as the others... In truth you wont see all seasons unless you stick around. In fact, it may even be worth it in the long term.

Using metaphor and analogy in dealing with relationships is great. Try not to define events...in fact try to accept and understand them, its much easier this way. Acceptance is a very beautiful thing. Another persons virtues are just important as yours and mine. During my years in high school and at university I helped a lot of friends, both female and male, they call me their love guru. All I did was listen, I never offered a solution until we both absolutely understood the problem.

I have heard and understood both male and female perspectives and guess what?... they are very very similar. I am no relationship expert, in fact, I really don't think they exist, because every relationship and person is unique and different. I like to say that wisdom is the best strategy to adopt when dealing with relationship issues. Understanding psychology is just scratching the surface and in fact using it the wrong way is just a manipulative tool that doesn't achieve love. I would suggest that while giving your woman time, be there for her when she is in good spirits and the bad. Be yourself and that is being the person she fell in love with.

So if you are now going through a season that might seem challenging and hard with your respective other don't judge her, just accept her. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. What is beautiful can be so hard to describe sometimes. Even in life's dark moments, there is beauty, and I have seen it.

There are many ways to overcome the conflicts we experience in relationships, there is no golden rule.. All those get-your-ex back articles and psychological techniques are quite manipulative.

Out of my own [and others] life experience[s], using those psychological tactics rarely are a loving way of having a peaceful relationship, they only will turn your love into a battlefield. However, the song made by Pat Benatar is great!

So what do you do if your girlfriend needs time?

**Be a realist and be cool.

The word "cool" is your friend. What do we mean by "cool"? Cool means by refraining from acting irrational and being needy. Lets not put your needs over hers, in fact, the hard times we go through in a relationship will define us- they make us stronger. So be happy, make her happy and show her you actually do care about her while maintaining your self respect. Now lets combine analogy and metaphor, using both wisdom while understanding basic psychology.

Firstly here's some wisdom, analogy and metaphor; Love is like a tree, it needs sun, it needs "space", it needs "time" to "grow". Imagine this as a healthy tree and this healthy tree resembles your relationship. If you want the tree to grow you cant overshadow it and block it from the suns rays, by not giving it space and time and sunlight it will not grow. So try not to block her sunlight by always being around her and not letting her use her own inner resources to solve her own problems. Now for the psychology part. We all have a tendency to move "towards" things in life that we associate pleasure with, and we also have a tendency to move "away" from things in life that we associate pain to. This is true. Have you been pushing her away?

**Show empathy and compassion.

Empathy. Put yourself in her shoes, what is she feeling right now? Can you relate to what she is going through at work, home, friends and most importantly your relationship with her. If she is stressed, don't stress her out more, instead make every encounter a soothing experience with her, you will not only be making her happy you will be able to show her why you are together and that you are so great, it actually is reinforcing her initial reason of why she loves you. Remember she loved[s] you for a reason. I am very sure you made her happy and excited when she first met you, it is so easy to do it again and better. Why? Because you share history and you are such a great person. Constantly provide value and don't fear losing her and see what happens.

The word "love". This word has so many meanings and it is often abused, misleads or scares people away. Well love is everywhere and it is not a definable feeling. Even if your girlfriend has not said I love you, it doesn't mean she doesn't. Love is expressed in so many ways. Express your love to her by being patient and accepting her just as she is even if she is being really cold right now. Guys, I quote: "Love is not seeing a perfect person, it is seeing an "imperfect" person perfectly."

**Go out with your friends or plan a getaway with them.

I am very confident that you will feel refreshed sitting in a spa, having some drinks making a bbq and just relaxing. You will find that the person you were when you met your girlfriend was an outgoing and independent person, don't lose that independence. If you are having a drink with the boys stay safe and don't over do it, have fun!

**When she talks to you.

Listen to her. Stay quite. Look in her eyes and don't interrupt her. Answer all of her questions and be honest.

If you maintain eye contact you will create a deeper understanding, in fact she will really feel listened to. Use empathetic communication. i.e "yeah by what your saying, you must really feel..." Don't engage in solution based conversation until you both really understand the whole problem. Let her talk and talk and talk, even if you don't like what she is saying. Sometimes I make this mistake too I just ramble on.

When its time to go your separate ways where ever you are, give her a hug if thats all she likes at the moment, don't go in for a kiss. You will find over time she will kiss you on the cheek and then slowly she will open up. Say goodnight or what it is you generally say and thank her for coming out. The same goes for her telephone calls.

**Make her feel like she is a great girlfriend.

There is nothing worse than for a woman to think she has been a horrible witch to her boyfriend. Yes they do feel bad if they hurt you. I mean it. Whenever she apologises, forgive her, if you do wrong apologise also. This is a start to some healing. Tell her you think she is great even if she has really upset you the past few weeks.

**Make her laugh.

Its OK to act funny in a manly sense I tend to repeat something and change my tone making it funny. Women love this. Remember girls want to have fun, just like us guys.

**Do not make her jealous using other women.

Yes, jealously is a very strong motivational factor in bringing someone home but, jealously can erode her judgment and make her react for the wrong reason and it wont be out of love, I can assure you. I believe in two forms of jealousy, they are good jealousy and bad jealousy. Good jealousy is generally when we have a small feel of it but it immediately stops then and there and doesn't toxify your relationship. You feel a certain emotion but it makes you acknowledge you have emotion there.

The good jealously happens while your in a relationship and it doesn't undermine your self respect or theirs. Bad jealously will do the exact opposite, it continues and plagues your relationship causing suspicion, lack of trust and evidently insecurity. Don't play around with jealousy, especially with your girlfriend to make her feel jealous, its more powerful than you think and it might bite you back.

**Do not give her an ultimatum.

The worst thing you can do is give her a time-limit on how long your going to stick around for or for her to make a decision. I warn you that you will be the loser. Ultimatums rarely work and this is coming from my experience as a lawyer and understanding of having a win-win situation. If you use an ultimatum, consider it a lose-lose situation.

Its perfectly OK for you to tell her that your getting hurt and frustrated and that the relationship is not what you really want. You could certainly tell her you wont be sticking around if she continues to be cold- You have a right to make your decisions and act on them (If you go down this track you would have obviously thought this over and you really want to end things). Don't say this to manipulate her to bring her back, she might chase you but its not going to be out of love, it will be out of fear. Trust me acting out of love is much more better to achieve a peaceful relationship in the long run.

**Be strong!

This is a must. I have not seen this anywhere in any online publications. This is not only important for you as a man, but it is important for her to see that you are her rock. If she is going to one day marry you and have your kids, she doesn't want someone that cant control his emotions and acts like a little kid. Being strong not only makes her feel supported, you will exude confidence the right way.

**Keep balance, exercise, read and eat right.

Stay knowledgeable on world events, read a novel, exercise at the gym and eat right. You will look better, feel better and you will also be occupying your self staying busy. This is not only important for your own well being, it is attractive as you have a world outside theirs.

The reason your girlfriend needs time may not be about you solely, it is about her, respect that. Be open to what she says and let her figure things out her own way and give her as much time as she wants. If you wanted time and you were in her situation, would you want your girlfriend making demands from you. Treat others as you want to be treated and trust me, thats an easy yet bullet proof strategy for your relationship.