Do you think we’ll have another chance one day?

[JJ1988]

Hey dear Community,

First of all: If you find my English a bit off it is to do with the fact that it is not my mother tongue but talking about the breakup in English makes it a bit more bearable for me…so please do apologize any weird wording or phrase. I am from Switzerland…so we do have similar problems over here, too… (dealing with it by using humour is one thing I sometimes do)

Here’s my story: I am a 34-year-old woman who just got out of an “almost relationship”, maybe it was a situationship but he treated me with respect and we were exclusive…

It all started in April but I have known this guy for a couple of years already since he is an old friend of a good friend of mine. They went to school together (boarding school). They have this tradition of meeting once a week at a pub, having a couple of beers and talking about their lives.
Sometimes I would join them. And this is when my friend started to notice that he acted differently when I was around. More open and willing to talk about topics he had never talked about with her. Even another friend started to notice and the two kinda made it their mission to set me up with him. This took a while since he was still in a relationship when my friend started to notice…but in December last year he broke up with his girlfriend (he wants kids, she doesn’t).
They lived together and she didn’t move out till March. So the first month all by himself was March and I think he felt very lonely. He is a guy who is used to being in serious long-term relationships…and this situation was new to him…
Enter my humble person…my friend had a talk with him in March about me because he had made a comment on how I always looked so good and so on…she wanted him to make a move but all he could mumble was a cute compliment…and I didn’t get it back then…I mean, I found him cute and attractive but not more than that! There was no moment of “Oh my God, that’s the guy!” You know, he actually is very shy and introverted and I am not and he is into guns and military stuff and a traditional man in the sense of wanting to provide for his family and I am more of a leftie who is against guns and actually very independent and self-sufficient. So I never thought we could end up together since we have such different personalities. However, when it comes to values and what matters to us in life we kinda share the same view, interestingly.

Sorry, I digress….a few weeks after the compliment in March my friend arranged a double date…just, him and I didn’t realise it was a double date! However, we still went to a bar after dinner and then to another and as the night progressed we kinda got closer and closer (thanks to the alcohol, which helped a bit)…and then he asked me if he could kiss me…I mean, what a gentleman! Never before had a man asked me if he could kiss me…of course I said “Yes”…and it was bliss! I had been single for almost 8 years with a few short-lived adventures in-between and this felt different. We went to his place and I spent the night and it was really good and I don’t know I just felt safe with him. I was diagnosed with cancer two years prior and since then hadn’t have sex with anybody because I somehow wanted to protect my body and my soul. With him, though, I trusted him…and it felt like the right thing to do.
The next morning, we “fessed” up to our mutual friend and she actually kinda knew it…and was happy for us. He, though, felt a bit insecure about the whole situation since he had never done such a thing before. As I mentioned earlier, he is the kinda guy who is a gentleman and asks you out on a couple of dates before he tries to make a move…so he asked my friend if I always got home with a different guy every weekend and she could assure him that I didn’t.
Since that night we texted everyday, met twice a week and had always good conversations…and we cooked together or watched a movie or went for a run…you know, stuff couples usually do together..
He is a very respectful guy who treats a woman right and I always felt so safe with him but in a very calm manner…if that makes any sense? He is a very intelligent, smart guy and also very loyal/faithful (my friend would always assure that since one of my exes cheated on me).
In a nutshell: I suddenly realised he was the man I was looking for all those years and he also wants a family like I do….
Everything looked so good…and then in May I got my second cancer diagnosis…and somehow he stuck around…even when I had to start to wear a wig because of the hair loss caused by chemo…
I was so surprised by him since we never really established what we were back then.
So time went on, I had to have chemotherapy and we still met and had a good time…he kinda was my distraction, my piece of normality.
I sometimes checked with him where we were at in this whole situation and he indicated he was looking for something serious but we never really had “The Talk”. We also never introduced one another to each other’s family.
And now in September I had to ask him: Where is this going? And first he said the same he had said to me right after we spent the first night together: He didn’t really know because he had been distracting himself, he didn’t have time to think about what he wants in his next relationship…but then he said he sometimes thought it would be nice to have me with him when he was with his family. And he could see a future with me…
but he needed some time to think about it…
A couple of days later we met again and then he said that he was really sorry but the next woman had to be the One and the one he could picture as his wife and mother of his children. And that wasn’t me…something inside of me just broke…but I wasn’t mad at him. He said he was naively getting into this situation with us and he somehow thought he needed me as a distraction, too. He really loved our conversations and the time we had spent together. First, I turned very cold as a sort of protection…and when he asked if he could keep in touch with me I said “No”. Then I said to him: I am losing a very important person in my life right now! He said: Me, too…you are the only person I can talk to, really…and I saw tears welling up in his eyes and I realized that I wasn’t just a summer fling…and when he asked me a second time I said it was okay for him to check in on me…since I am still undergoing chemo and he cares how I am doing.
When we said goodbye he kissed my forehead and had tears in his eyes…I hugged him and told him to reach out anytime…my heart broke to see us having to part ways even though we clearly got along so well…but he kinda was waiting for the spark and this never happened for us due to the circumstances. I think he wants to have this “love at first sight” moment…I really wished it could have happened for us. He was in so many aspects perfect for me. And now I am sitting here crying because I am scared that I might never find anyone like him…I want a family and time is running out for me…and chemo and breast cancer aren’t making this topic any easier…I had to undergo two egg retrievals in case my ovaries won’t “wake up” again after chemo and the therapy after it.
It is all so messed up and strange and I feel like I am not myself and I miss him and I didn’t know I felt this way for him. Completely hormonal, if you want to call it that way.
And at the same time I have this ugly feeling of jealousy inside my body…this idea that he will find a lovely girl soon who he is going to marry and have a family with and I won’t be able to find a guy to have all this…because he is handsome and I am only half a woman because I have no hair and I am in an induced menopause state…
I feel so lonely and in despair. And all feels so bittersweet…like in a very sad, soppy movie…

He texted me Monday a week ago to check in on me after my chemo and we texted a little but since then I haven’t heard from him. I am somehow afraid I will lose him as a friend, too…I still want him in my life but at the same time - as I mentioned above - I know that I won’t be able to handle any new woman in his life…as mean as this might sound now but I know I will hate her guts…and I cannot pretend like I am okay in these kind of situations.

Guys, I have been rambling on for too long but since you made it this far what do you think? Should I move on quickly and hope we can stay friends? Or do you think there is a chance he might change his mind? Have you had a similar experience? Can people all of a sudden feel the spark after having dated you and not having felt it and then being separated for some time?

I really appreciate your feedback!

Sending you lots of love,
JJ1988

[Kate]

First of all, I want to say that your English is just fine, and I'm truly sorry to hear about the difficult situation you've been through, both with your health and this complicated relationship. It's clear that you've been through a rollercoaster of emotions, and it's completely normal to feel the way you do.

It's evident that you and this guy had a genuine connection, and it's not something that happens every day. Your journey from friends to something more, especially during such a challenging time in your life, speaks volumes about the bond you shared. It's understandable that you're feeling a deep sense of loss and uncertainty now that it's come to an end.

Regarding your question of whether he might change his mind, it's hard to predict. People's feelings and circumstances can evolve over time, but it's also crucial to respect his decision if he's communicated that he doesn't see a long-term future with you. It's a tough pill to swallow, but it's better to know where you stand.

As for staying friends, it's possible, but it will require time and space to heal. It's clear that your feelings for him run deep, and trying to maintain a friendship immediately after such an emotional breakup can be challenging. It might be a good idea to give yourself some distance for now to process your feelings and heal. That doesn't mean you have to cut off all contact, but it might be helpful to limit your interactions until you're in a better emotional place.

Regarding your feelings of jealousy, it's essential to remember that your worth is not determined by your appearance or health. You are a strong and resilient person who has been through a lot, and you deserve love and happiness just like anyone else. It's natural to feel envious when you see someone you care about moving on, but remember that your journey is unique, and your time for love and family will come.

In the meantime, focus on taking care of yourself and your health. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who can provide the love and comfort you need during this challenging time. And don't hesitate to seek professional support if you're struggling with your emotions. Therapy can be incredibly helpful in navigating complex emotions and helping you move forward.

Ultimately, it's essential to be patient with yourself. Healing from both a breakup and a health challenge takes time. Stay open to the possibility of new connections and opportunities in the future. You never know what life has in store for you.

Sending you lots of love, strength, and positivity as you navigate this challenging chapter of your life. You're stronger than you know, and there are brighter days ahead.

[Richard]

I want to start by saying that I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. Breakups are tough, and when you add health issues into the mix, it can make everything feel even more overwhelming. I can understand why you're feeling the way you do, and it's completely valid. It's okay to be scared and uncertain about the future, especially when it comes to finding a partner and starting a family. Let's explore your situation a bit further and see if we can find some helpful insights.

First of all, it's important to acknowledge that you had a genuine connection with this guy. You spent time together, shared intimate moments, and formed a bond. It's natural to feel hurt and disappointed when things don't work out the way we hoped. The fact that he cared about you during your cancer journey speaks volumes about his character, and it's understandable that you'll miss having him in your life.

Now, as for whether you should move on quickly or hold onto the possibility of staying friends, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. It ultimately depends on what you feel comfortable with and what you think will be best for your emotional well-being. It's okay to take some time to heal and process your emotions before deciding on the future of your friendship. If you need space, it's important to communicate that to him. True friends will understand and respect your boundaries.

Regarding the idea of him changing his mind, it's difficult to say. People can have different experiences and perspectives over time, and sometimes feelings can evolve. However, it's not something you can count on or base your hopes on. It's essential to focus on taking care of yourself and exploring your own path forward.

In terms of your concerns about finding someone else who will love and accept you, it's important to remember that you are a whole person deserving of love and happiness, regardless of your hair, your health, or any physical changes you're experiencing. Finding the right person takes time, and it's important to be patient with yourself. Try not to compare your journey to others'. Your circumstances are unique, and there's no predefined timeline for finding love or starting a family.

It's also worth mentioning that, while it's natural to feel jealous or envious of the idea of him being with someone else, it's important to focus on your own healing and growth. Everyone's path is different, and comparing yourself to others will only bring unnecessary pain. Instead, try to channel your energy into self-care, pursuing your passions, and surrounding yourself with a supportive network of friends and family.

Lastly, I want to remind you that you're not alone in this. Many people have gone through similar experiences and have come out stronger on the other side. It might be helpful to seek support from others who can relate to what you're going through, such as support groups or online communities. Sharing your feelings and experiences with others who understand can provide immense comfort and perspective.

Remember, healing takes time, and it's okay to prioritize your own well-being. Trust that things will work out in their own time, and focus on taking care of yourself. You are a resilient and courageous person, and you deserve all the love and happiness life has to offer.

Take care of yourself, and remember that you have the strength to get through this.