Fiance needs space

[dilemma17]

I've been with my girl for almost 4 years and we've recently been engaged. Our relationship up into this point has been great, we rarely argue, spend alot of quality time together and enjoy travelling. Recently, she's been acting distant and tells me she needs some space to think of what she wants to do with her life. I'm completely blindsided by this and when I push her to tell me more, she tells me sometimes she just miss being single. We are still engaged but on a two week break. She still calls and text me and says shes loves me. I found out that she's been giving her number out to other guy "coworkers" and likes it when a guy hits on her and gives her attention. At this point I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do.. Is my relationship doomed?

[John]

When your fiance says she needs space, it does not necessarily means that she wants to leave you.

Many relationships go through a period of time where one of the partners need a break to be apart for a while. Even though inside your heart, you are very unwillingly to let her go, you should not let her see or feel your emotional reactions. The problem is if you start to cry or beg her for not leaving you, this is going to let her feel that you are being too desperate and it will help her to determine more on leaving you.

Remember, everyone have the rights to own their freedom and space. If your presence is making her life a drastic change and when she cannot adapt to the changes, she may just run away from you. So, you have to make sure that when your fiance is with you, she is still within her own comfort zone and this will show that you still respect her, rather than giving her that kind of suffocated feeling.

Re-evaluate the way you treat her and also your way of dealing problems. When your fiance says she needs space, it is obvious that she is bothering with something in the relationship and probably you have overlooked it previously. Think back if you have been overly controlled in her life. Did you take her advice seriously and did you always help her to decide everything or maybe you have been doing something that she hates? Find out and understand the problems. It is only when you are able to identify it clearly, you can understand what she needs.

[Becky]

Well this could mean a lot of things and it would depend on the situation if this is a good or bad thing. Normally, women would use the phrase "need space" to softly tell their partner that they need time away from them. Your fiance probably does not want to break it to you harshly that she is considering the idea of breaking up with you. When she says she needs her space she simply is saying that she wants the two of you to stop seeing each other for awhile.

Does this mean that the relationship is over? Well, not really. Sometimes women do want their space and you just have to wait until she is finally ready to come back and explain her reasons why she needed to do so. In other cases, a woman would say she needs space but is actually hiding something from you like her intentions of breaking up with you for someone else or her dislike of your companionship. To be able to find out what your fiance really means when she says she needs space, here is what you can do.

Ask her nicely and calmly why she says she needs space. "What does that mean?" you can ask. You should then listen to her carefully and check if there are signs that she is hiding something from you or if she really just needs to be alone for awhile.

Remember not to panic or worry to much while she is explaining her reasons to you. This will only drive her farther away and you do not want to ruin your chances of making the relationship better. Respect what she has to say and let her know that you will be there when she is ready to come back to you.

Once she is away, take this time to reflect on her reasons and how you can be a better person for her. You can also start doing other things such as your hobbies, interests and focusing more on your work. It will show her that she can be secure with you since you are confident and trustworthy even without her by your side.

Lastly, remain faithful to her. Unless she asked for space to be with someone else, do not do anything irrational like flirt with other girls or hang out with the boys every single night.

She says she needs space. What does that mean? Though it may be difficult at first to understand, it is better to just talk to her about it. Respect her decision and be confident and faithful with your relationship with her.

[Kate]

I found out that she's been giving her number out to other guy "coworkers" and likes it when a guy hits on her and gives her attention.

Just like what Becky said, "Your fiance probably does not want to break it to you harshly that she is considering the idea of breaking up with you."

[dilemma17]

Thanks for the response! I'm her first love and only relationship ever, the impression I'm getting is that she wants to date around to explore other options before settling down. In the meantime, is their anything I can do to persuade her thoughts?

[Kate]

Thanks for the response! I'm her first love and only relationship ever, the impression I'm getting is that she wants to date around to explore other options before settling down. In the meantime, is their anything I can do to persuade her thoughts?

Don't try to persuade her thoughts, let her do what she wants. Trying to stop her will make you look needy.

[shrah25]

OK, so i'm going to come from a slightly different angle here. Firstly, i'm interested - what life stages are you both at? ie are you working professionals, at uni etc etc It's sometimes important to recognise that life stages have a really important part to play in relationships. If a woman or man feels as if they 'missed' out on the fun life etc, then the idea of getting married represents a massive commitment. Whereas if they've had their time partying etc then it's not such a massive step to take. That's one area to consider.

Secondly, I've actually coached many women before in this situation where they say they need space, but it's actually a cry out to their partner to give them more attention, love etc. Now, in this scenario, it doesn't sound like it but I can't be 100% sure only because I don't know the finer points of your relationship.

Thirdly, as the others have pointed out - honour her request for some space but make sure you carry on living your life. This is actually a really good experience for you right now. Reason being is that, i've always believed that it's the very little things that count in a relationship and if you notice little behaviours that could potentially be problematic in the long run, then at least you're catching it out now, rather than when you're married.

Remember, every problem contains the seed of an opportunity if you choose to let that seed grow.

Feel free to PM me and keep me posted on your progress.