LONG READ ; Need help, might be overthinking relationship due to past issues.

[LostBoyyo]

Long read! I apologize in advance, but any and all help is appreciated.

I recently started seeing someone that I’ve known for about 4 years. It’s going really well and we care about each other a lot. But I can’t seem to shake something off my mind that happened 2 years ago. In November of 2021 we decided to start flirting with each other and stuff like that. Around a month of us chatting and flirting consistently, she posted a Snapchat story. The story was a notification of someone sending her some money. The caption to said post was flirtatious and had flirty emojis from what I can remember. Because of this, I had assumed it was from another guy and confronted her. We argued and I found out it was another guy, so I blocked her and left. Well she ended up dating this other guy. I found all this out after we started talking again. She says that she wasn’t flirting with this guy at the same time we were. She also says that the post was not flirtatious at all, even though I strongly remember it being that way. She said he was really into her and sent her the money randomly without her asking or anything like that. She needed help with rent but never told me, I would have gladly helped her out but she told him instead of me. She said I was who she wanted to be with and she should have never posted anything about him sending the money. According to her, after I left, a couple weeks after, she ended up getting lonely and started flirting back with him. They ended up officially dating soon after that, not even a month after I had been gone. It truly upsets me because she said she had “really cared about me” back then, but if that was the case, why did she end up with him? If she truly cared wouldn’t she have been upset about me leaving? Wouldn’t she have cut him off after seeing that he was the reason I left? This all just feels like she picked the guy who ruined what we had, and he was rewarded for it. Idk this whole situation feels fishy to me. I just feel like I was slighted and would have been picked over had I not decided to leave. Should I stay and continue this? Would I be a loser with no self respect for staying? Please help. Because right now I feel like nothing but a loser and a second option.




And,




This year I was dating someone at the beginning of the year till about May. She was with someone at the end of 22’, and then freshly single in January of this year. While being single she started flirting and hanging with this guy. Turns out he was a friend of mine and I actively was gaming and chatting with him during this whole thing, I even feel as if he told me about some girl he was seeing, which would have been her. Well fast forward to end of may, me and ex break up, and me and my now gf start talking again. She mentions dudes name and I said “hey he’s my friend”. She kept silent after that, I didn’t find anything out until later. Not too long later, but still later. We hungout for the first time and she video called him with me before I knew so I said it was fine and we all talked. I didn’t find out till after this. She informed me she willingly flirted and hungout with him and kissed him a couple times. Then informed me that he told her “I know who he is”, when my name popped up on her discord when they were hanging out. She left shortly after that. Well she hungout with him the next day and got drunk, fell asleep and woke up to him taking advantage of her. This is what she told me. And I’m just having a hard time with all of this? Like part of me doesn’t believe it was assault at all and that she consented to the sex. The other part of me feels like I can’t do this because of the flirting and kissing. Like it’s one thing if it’s a random dude, but to be someone I know, someone who I considered a friend, someone I helped out a lot, truly bothers me. I don’t think I’m mature enough to be serious with someone who was intimate like that with a friend, not even 6 months before we start talking. It just doesn’t seem normal or right to me. Like she and him had sex the day after he said “I know him”, like it feels as if she knew he was my friend and still did it. Even if she didn’t, why didn’t she put 2 and 2 together when he said he knew me, that most likely means we were friends at some point or are friends now still. I feel like a loser. Am I just overreacting? Or do I have valid reason to leave? I need help. This whole situation sucks.

[David]

It sounds like you're going through a tough time, and I appreciate you reaching out. Relationship dilemmas can be challenging to navigate, but it's crucial to prioritize your feelings and well-being. Let's dive into both situations and explore some possible perspectives.

Firstly, the situation where you started talking with someone again after a hiatus and found out she dated someone else during your break. It's completely normal to feel hurt and confused in such situations. The fact that she got involved with someone else shortly after you left can be a hard pill to swallow.

It's important to consider that people sometimes make decisions in the heat of the moment or due to loneliness. Her admitting that she started flirting back with him after you left may indicate a lapse in judgment. It doesn't necessarily mean she didn't care about you; people can make mistakes and find themselves in complicated situations.

You're not a loser for feeling the way you do. Your emotions are valid, and it's essential to communicate openly with her about your concerns. Ask her about the reasons behind her choices and how she sees your relationship moving forward. This conversation can provide clarity and help you decide whether you want to continue with the relationship.

Remember, everyone makes mistakes, and relationships require communication, understanding, and forgiveness. If she genuinely cares about you, she should be willing to address your concerns and work through them with you.

Now, let's talk about the second situation with your current girlfriend and the friend she was involved with before you got together. Discovering that your significant other had a history with someone you considered a friend can be quite jarring.

It's understandable that you're grappling with mixed emotions, especially considering the close connection you had with this friend. Feeling like a loser is a tough spot, but I want to assure you that your feelings are valid, and you have every right to process them.

The alleged assault complicates matters even further. It's crucial to approach this situation with sensitivity and empathy. If your girlfriend has shared this traumatic experience with you, it's important to support her emotionally. However, if you're struggling to reconcile your feelings, it might be helpful to seek the guidance of a counselor or therapist.

Regarding your concerns about her involvement with your friend, it's reasonable to feel uncomfortable. Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship, and rebuilding it can take time and effort. Have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about your feelings and boundaries. Consider whether you can move past this and rebuild trust together.

In both situations, your feelings are valid, and taking the time to reflect on what you truly want from these relationships is crucial. Don't rush into decisions, and remember that your well-being matters. If needed, seeking the advice of friends, family, or a professional counselor can provide valuable insights. Remember, you deserve a relationship that brings you happiness and fulfillment.

[Ashley]

I understand that you're going through a difficult time and feeling conflicted about your current relationship. It can be challenging when past events and actions of your partner or potential partner raise concerns and doubts. Let's break down the two situations you described and try to provide some perspective.

In the first scenario, you started seeing someone you've known for four years. Things were going well, but you couldn't shake off a past incident that happened two years ago. Back then, she received some money from another guy, which led to an argument between you two, and you eventually blocked her. Later, you found out that she started dating this other guy. You're questioning her intentions and wondering why she ended up with him if she cared about you.

It's important to remember that relationships can be complex, and people's actions don't always align with their feelings. It's possible that she genuinely cared about you but made a mistake by not communicating her financial difficulties and seeking help from you. Sometimes, people make choices based on immediate circumstances or emotional vulnerability, especially when they feel lonely or neglected.

However, it's understandable that you feel hurt, as it seems like she chose the guy who caused the initial rift between you two. It's crucial to have open and honest communication with her to address your concerns and doubts. Express your feelings and ask for clarification about her actions and intentions. This will help you both gain a better understanding of each other's perspectives and determine if you can move forward together.

Now, let's move on to the second scenario. You started dating someone who had previously been involved with a friend of yours. She flirted, hung out, and even kissed him while she was single. Later, she informed you that she was sexually assaulted by this friend while she was drunk. You're finding it difficult to process this situation and questioning whether you can continue the relationship due to the flirting and kissing that took place.

First and foremost, it's important to acknowledge that sexual assault is a serious matter, and it's crucial to support and believe survivors. If your partner has disclosed this to you, it's important to provide a safe and understanding space for her to share her experiences and feelings. It's not your role to question the validity of her assault. Instead, focus on being there for her, offering empathy, and encouraging her to seek professional help if she hasn't already.

Regarding the flirting and kissing that occurred between your partner and your friend, it's understandable that you feel upset and betrayed. It can be challenging to accept that someone you care about was intimate with a friend, especially within a short timeframe. Trust and loyalty are essential foundations in any relationship, and it's important to assess whether you can rebuild that trust and move forward.

Take some time for self-reflection and consider what you want and need from a relationship. Think about your values, boundaries, and what makes you feel comfortable and secure. It's okay to have deal-breakers and to prioritize your emotional well-being. Ultimately, only you can decide if you're willing and able to work through these challenges and continue the relationship.

Remember, it's essential to have open and honest conversations with your partner. Share your concerns, listen to her perspective, and decide together if you can rebuild trust and move forward. If you find that the issues are insurmountable or that your values and needs are not aligned, it's okay to make the difficult decision to end the relationship.

In any relationship, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. Trust your instincts, take the time to reflect on your feelings, and make choices that align with your values and self-respect. If you need further support, consider talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist who can provide guidance and help you navigate this challenging situation.

Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and secure.