Am I the backup plan for my ex or is this innocent friendship?

[MikeD1997]

This is probably sort of a long read, but here goes.. My ex dumped me about 7-8 months ago. It was a pretty long relationship at a little over a year (her longest ever). We had a solid relationship, never any toxic or ugly fights, no cheating, spent tons of time together, plenty of laughs, several long trips, I met all of her friends and family. I was told by her sibling's significant other that I was the first guy he had ever heard her say that she loved and he had been in this family approximately three or so years at this point.

Anyway, when we split, she first said something like: "we're very different people and that spark just isn't there, but I truly do have so much love for you." Unlike her, I had been in another relationship over a year's length before this and I am aware that after a year of a standard routine, the spark can wane and romance can eb and flow.. Maybe that's what she felt, since prior to us, she never had a relationship longer than a few months.. Only one before me had survived to six months. Anyway, during our breakup discussion, when I was asking questions and pretty upset, she finally said the true and biggest reason she wanted to end the relationship was so that she could go date other people and figure out who she is and what she truly wants in life, but that maybe in the future we'd find one another again and date all over again and that she would be keeping in touch and NOT removing me from any social media. She didn't say 'why' she wanted to keep in touch though. I went full no-contact immediately, no more texts, no calls, no begging.. I VANISHED from her life. I decided to heal alone and maintain some pride.

She was dating or at least on online dating apps within 3-4 days of breaking up with me. Within two months, she was dating someone else.. Which felt very quick to me, if you knew all the finer details of how intense and serious our relationship was. But, here's where I get confused and need advice.. I will just be honest and say, I only discovered she was dating someone else because I was doing the toxic trait so many do and studying her social media, which was wrong of me, but I was just so hurt. Anyway, I found where this other person was posting her on social media.. even had their picture together as the profile picture on Facebook. It's some random person who she must've met on a dating app, because this person is many years younger than my ex and I had never heard the name, so not like she got an old flame or friend.

Here's where I truly get confused, this other person has posted my ex. But, my ex has not posted her new person on any socials at all, no stories anywhere, nor updated her single status, etc. and they've been likely together months. Somewhere around three months of no contact, she texted me. It was some question about something trivial, then it bled into a generic "catch up" conversation.. I guess I stated something about not being home much, then she even asked me: "Okay, so where have you been?" This started a pattern of her directly reaching out every 3-4 weeks via text with generic stuff, pictures of pets, asking how things are for me, she sent a funny video that she said reminded her of an inside joke we had.. This was probably in October and I have had one more reach out from her since.. well, this last reach out, I responded to the initial message, then just never replied to her follow up message. Was this wrong of me? Yes, I would love to someday rebuild what we had, but I don't want to escalate things for a couple of reasons. First, she's the one who broke it even when I expressed how much I wanted us to work, so I feel like it's her place to initiate a conversation of rebuilding. Also, although she has not confirmed or mentioned it during any of her reach outs nor posted anything on social media, it appears according to the other person's social, she's in a new relationship and I will not interfere in that.

So, my final questions are.. Does this sound like innocent "keeping the peace" friendship? Or is she keeping tabs on me for when/if her new relationship ends? She watches every single story I post on Instagram too.

Was it wrong of me to not reply too much during her last reach out? I don't want to interfere in her new relationship, but also, I still have feelings, so I don't want to go too far down the road of the friend zone.. Thanks in advance everyone

[Anthonia]

I understand that the end of a meaningful relationship can be an incredibly challenging experience, and it seems like you've been navigating through a complex set of emotions and circumstances. Breakups are often accompanied by confusion and a need for closure, so let's delve into your questions and concerns.

Firstly, it's commendable that you chose the path of no-contact initially to focus on your healing and pride. It's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being during such challenging times. Your ex-partner's reasons for the breakup, particularly her desire to explore other relationships and discover herself, indicate a need for personal growth on her part. It's crucial to acknowledge that people evolve at different rates, and sometimes, relationships serve as catalysts for self-discovery.

Her quick entry into another relationship might be her way of coping or exploring new connections. However, the inconsistency in her social media behavior, where she doesn't post her new partner, could imply various things. It might be her way of maintaining privacy or perhaps hesitancy in fully committing to the new relationship.

Regarding her periodic messages to you, it's understandable that you may feel conflicted about the nature of these interactions. People reach out for various reasons, and it's not uncommon for individuals to want to maintain a connection with their past without necessarily wanting to reignite a romantic involvement. Your decision not to reply extensively during her last reach out was not inherently wrong; it was a conscious choice made to protect your emotions and maintain boundaries.

As for her potential motivations, it could be a blend of innocent friendship and curiosity about your life. People often check in on their exes out of genuine concern or interest in their well-being. However, the fact that she's in a new relationship does add a layer of complexity.

In considering her actions, it's crucial to focus on your own emotional needs and boundaries. If you still have feelings for her and envision a potential rekindling of the relationship, it's essential to communicate openly and honestly when the time is right. However, respect the current dynamics of her new relationship and refrain from interference.

It's perfectly acceptable to prioritize your emotional health and well-being, even if it means maintaining some distance. If the friendship is causing confusion or hindering your ability to move forward, it might be beneficial to have an open and honest conversation with her about your feelings and expectations.

In conclusion, navigating post-breakup dynamics is a delicate process, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach. Trust your instincts, prioritize self-care, and communicate openly when you feel ready. Remember, healing is a personal journey, and it's okay to prioritize your own emotional needs as you move forward.

[Nate]

Going through a breakup can be a challenging and confusing time, especially when there are mixed signals and unanswered questions. It's natural to seek clarity and understand the intentions behind your ex's actions. While I can't provide a definitive answer since I can't read minds, I can offer some insights and guidance based on the information you've shared.

It's important to keep in mind that every individual and relationship is unique, and people's motivations and behaviors can vary. That being said, let's explore a couple of possible explanations for your ex's actions.

Firstly, it's possible that your ex genuinely wants to maintain a friendly connection with you. Since you had a meaningful and positive relationship, she may value your presence in her life on some level. However, it's essential to recognize that maintaining a friendship so soon after a breakup can be challenging, especially when there are still lingering feelings. If you find it difficult to interact casually without hoping for more, it might be necessary to take some time and space to heal and move forward.

On the other hand, your ex's continued contact could also be an indication that she's keeping tabs on you or keeping the door open for a potential future reconciliation. By reaching out periodically, she may be seeking reassurance that you're still accessible and available. However, it's important to consider whether this is a healthy dynamic for you. Rebuilding a relationship requires open and honest communication from both parties, and it's crucial for her to take responsibility if she wants to reconcile.

Regarding whether it was wrong of you not to reply much during her last reach out, it's essential to prioritize your own emotional well-being. It's understandable that you may still have feelings for her, and engaging in frequent communication might make it challenging for you to move on. It's okay to set boundaries and take the time you need to heal and gain clarity about what you want.

To navigate this situation, it could be helpful to reflect on your own feelings and intentions. Consider what you truly want for yourself moving forward. Do you genuinely want to rebuild the relationship, or are you open to exploring new possibilities? Taking the time to understand your own desires and needs will help you make informed decisions about how to proceed.

In the meantime, I encourage you to focus on self-care and personal growth. Healing from a breakup takes time, and it's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being. Surround yourself with supportive friends and engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. This will not only help you in your healing process but also allow you to gain clarity and perspective on your future.

Remember, it's okay to prioritize yourself and your own happiness. You deserve to be with someone who values and appreciates you fully. Trust your instincts, take the time you need, and be open to new experiences and possibilities.