What to do when my boyfriend says he loves me but can't be with me

[aiessa419]

I met my boyfriend on tinder in October 2021. We spent a year talking over text just as friends and only hung out a couple of times. He is a very isolated person and was very averse to relationships. In October 2022 he invited me out to the bar as I had just recently turned 21. He invited me back to his apartment and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Nothing has ever been as perfect as we are. He seemed so aloof when we talked as just friends, but he was the most caring and sweet person once we got together. He told me he had never been so happy before and that I taught him about love and changed the way he sees himself and the world. I have never clicked with someone like I have him. We were so happy and even if we had a disagreement, he always remained calm and encouraged me to talk about how I was feeling. He was always interested in my hobbies, he encouraged me to go back to school, and was my number one supporter. We had so much fun together, when we were together everything in the world felt okay. We were best friends. I know he truly truly loves me and he would have done anything for me. He was so loyal. He has very strict rules about respect in a relationship. He took it very seriously. We went on a three day trip for my birthday this year and everything went great. We almost always get along. We share the exact same taste in music and media. We have the same views on not wanting children, religion, and politics. Everyone around us revered us for how perfect we were together. I remember one of my friends saying that is we ever broke up she wouldn't believe in love anymore. He never pressured me to do anything I don't want and treated me the best anyone could. He never did anything wrong.

We had a designated day once a week that we spent together. He needs a lot of alone time and while that bothered me some, I learned to adapt to that and I respected it. If there was a special event on the weekend we would go together, it wasn't always just once a week. We texted all day every day and never got tired of each other. He wrote songs for me and performed them at our local venues and always mentioned me. He was never embarrassed of me. He brought me around his friends and his mom and they all loved me. His mother told me she had never seen him so happy before. I could not have asked for a better man. We are both artists and we would make things for each other and he truly treasured them.

The only thing was that he would very rarely open up to me about anything and even if he did talk about his past it was in a very matter of fact way. He just said what happened but never how he felt about it. The only times he would express real feeling was the love he had for me or his cat or if someone at work had upset him. He has this mindset that if you can't change something, you shouldn't let it bother you and you should just move on. He is very independent and from everything I had seen he was very put together. Nothing ever truly bothered him deeply. He did share with me that he has bipolar disorder and had self harmed and been in a psychiatric facility during his teenage years. He never let on like these things truly bothered him anymore and that he had somehow found a way to deal with it. On occasion he would have a few days or so that he would feel "weird" and that he wanted to be alone for. I respected this and tried to understand what he was feeling but all he ever said was that he felt down or blue or just plain weird with no reasoning. I could understand that, I get that too. He was always interested in hearing about my feelings and tried to help me through them. I just didn't feel like we every talked about real serious things when it came to him. The beginning of December after celebrating our one year anniversary in October I brought this up to him. I told him that it felt shallow and superficial. He agreed and he told me that there just seems to be some wall between him and everyone and that he feels "far away" from people. He said that he knows he loves me but wasn't sure if he was enough for him. I was certain that we could work it out thought and after having an in person talk things felt better.

Now, this week after having our weekly hang out I had gotten upset about him telling me that on occasion he looks at porn on reddit to jerk off to. This made me feel very insecure and I called him on the phone later after leaving his house to try and talk it out. Admittedly, I got a little heated and expressed how much this hurt me. He started to sound different and was just saying over and over "I don't know what to do" and that this was too much for him. I could hear how freaked out he was in his voice. I suggested I come over so that we could hug and we could talk in person as that always seems to help things. I was nervous on my way over, but I never expected what would happen.

As soon as I sat down he told me this wasn't working for him. He said it wasn't right anymore. He told me it wasn't about the porn and that he understood my feelings about that and that it wasn't respectful for him to do. I think that my emotional outburst finally was too much for him. He told me things just hadn't felt right since I brought up the relationship feeling shallow. He said that it was true and that he had been trying, but he just can't fully connect with me. He again brought up the idea of there being a wall between him and everyone else, even his mom. He said that I feel "a million miles away" although I am his best friend and that he loves me more than anyone in the world. he said that he has never been as close to someone as he has to me, but he feels like he has a part missing or is a robot of some type because he just can't connect. I know his relationship with his father was very traumatic as a child and there were periods of time where he didn't speak to him for years. I can't help, but think this has something to do with the way he is. He told me its better if he's alone and that he needs to be alone and away from people. He then expressed that he expereienced suicidal ideation every single day and that he is very unhappy. This came as a complete shock to me as he never lets on like this and is always tlaking about how bessed he feels to have a great job, have great firneds, and a girlfriend he loves. I just feel that this is worth fighting for. What we have is special and he agreed with me on that. He told me I was the sweetest girl in the world and no one had ever made him feeli like me and that yes, he was happy when we were together, but not in a "substantial" way. I'm just not sure waht any of this means. I've been trying to do research on waht might be wrong with him, but nothing is like him. He isn't cold and mean. He is warm and kind and I just don't understand. I don't know how to go about this. This came out of the blue and I'm not sure how to go on. I know that we are meant to be together. He says that we are too, but he's just too weird. He says he tried so hard, but he never talked to me about htis. I feel that there is something worth fighting for here. What do I do now?

[Olivia]

I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time. It's clear from your story that you and your boyfriend share a deep connection, and it's undoubtedly painful to be facing this sudden shift in your relationship. I want to offer some guidance and support as you navigate through these complex emotions and uncertainties.

Firstly, it's crucial to acknowledge your own feelings. The revelation about your boyfriend's struggles, including his daily experience of suicidal ideation, is undoubtedly overwhelming. It's a lot to process, and it's okay to feel a range of emotions such as confusion, sadness, and concern.

Your boyfriend's difficulty in connecting with others and his sense of distance could be linked to various factors, including his traumatic relationship with his father and his history of bipolar disorder. It's important to recognize that mental health challenges can deeply affect how individuals perceive and engage in relationships.

Given the severity of your boyfriend's feelings, it's essential to encourage him to seek professional help. A mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, can provide him with the support and guidance he needs. It's crucial that he has a safe space to explore and process his emotions, especially those related to his past trauma and current struggles.

As his partner, you can express your concern and support for his well-being. Encourage him to share his feelings with a mental health professional who can offer appropriate interventions. While it's natural to want to be his support system, it's important to recognize the limitations of your role. Mental health professionals are trained to provide the necessary support and tools to navigate these challenges effectively.

In terms of your relationship, it's clear that you care deeply for each other. However, it's important to consider the impact of his current emotional state on both of you. It might be helpful to take a step back and focus on his well-being as a priority. This doesn't necessarily mean ending the relationship, but rather creating space for him to address his mental health challenges without the added pressure of maintaining a romantic connection.

Additionally, it's important for you to prioritize your own mental health during this challenging time. Reach out to friends, family, or a counselor to share your feelings and seek support. It's not easy to witness someone you care about going through such difficulties, and having your own support system is crucial.

Ultimately, the path forward will involve open communication, empathy, and a commitment to both your well-being and his. Remember that seeking professional help is a positive step, and there is hope for healing and growth. It's a challenging journey, but with the right support, both of you can navigate through this difficult time.

[Clay]

It sounds like you've had a truly special and loving relationship, and it's understandable that you're feeling confused and hurt by his sudden decision to end things. I can sense the depth of your emotions and your desire to fight for the relationship, but it's important to approach this situation with care and compassion for both yourself and your boyfriend.

First of all, it's crucial to recognize that you cannot single-handedly solve your boyfriend's struggles or fix whatever may be causing his emotional distance. It seems that he is dealing with deep-rooted issues, possibly stemming from his traumatic relationship with his father and his own mental health challenges, such as bipolar disorder and suicidal ideation. These are complex issues that require professional help and support. While it's natural to want to be there for him, it's important to acknowledge that you are not equipped to provide the level of assistance he needs.

Given his recent admission of feeling disconnected from others, experiencing suicidal thoughts, and expressing a need for solitude, it's crucial that you encourage him to seek professional help. Suggest to him that he should consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who can provide him with the necessary support and guidance. Mental health professionals are trained to address these kinds of challenges and can help him navigate his emotions and develop coping mechanisms.

At the same time, it's important to take care of yourself and your own well-being. The sudden end of a meaningful relationship can be incredibly painful and confusing. Allow yourself to grieve and process your emotions. Reach out to your own support network of friends and family who can offer you comfort and understanding during this difficult time. Consider seeking therapy or counseling for yourself as well, as it can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings and gain clarity about the situation.

It's also important to recognize that sometimes, despite our deepest desires and emotional connections, relationships may not be sustainable or healthy for both parties involved. Your boyfriend has expressed his struggle to fully connect with you and his need for solitude. It's essential to respect his wishes and give him the space he believes he needs. It may be painful, but forcing a relationship when one person feels disconnected can lead to further emotional distress for both of you.

While you believe there is something worth fighting for, it's crucial to understand that true change and growth must come from within your boyfriend. He needs to address his own emotional barriers and work on his mental health before he can fully engage in a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It's not your responsibility to fix him, and it's important to remember that you deserve to be with someone who can be emotionally available and fully present in the relationship.

In summary, encourage your boyfriend to seek professional help and support for his emotional struggles. Take care of yourself and seek your own support system. Respect his need for space and understand that he needs to work on his own issues before he can fully engage in a relationship. While it's painful, remember that you deserve someone who can be emotionally present and reciprocate your love and support.