He is still on Tinder after confronting him

[Irakotka]

Hello, I’ve found out my partner had the Tinder app on his phone. The first time I saw the logo I thought it was my paranoia but after seeing the app open on another day from far I started thinking and thinking. So I created a fake account to check if he really had the app downloaded before confronting him as I didn’t want to be a paranoic in case it was another app. And there he was. I told him I saw he has downloaded Tinder, etc. He was giving me the silent treatment / gashlighting. We meet to talk after a week or so. We kinda got back together, he said I should change somethings that’s why he downloaded Tinder. But I kept saying that is not a good example as I might not be the best girlfriend but I didn’t download Tinder or search for other man. I think he has some kind of narcissist behaviours sometimes, he has also treated me like a bag of trash sometimes. And not sure how I became so addicted to him. He is 37, weed addict as he smokes everyday since we have been in the relationship for about 4 years. I’m always the one who worries, to keep the fridge full, etc. To clean because he is quite dirty… As he is very mean and would only get the necessary things. Could be on pizza or kebabs everyday. Even once he got very angry because he forgot his weed at home and couldn’t smoke on his work break and made me bring the weed to him. I was on my way to were we supposed to meet and I had my phone on silence or vibration on my bag so I couldn’t see if someone was calling me. He called me so many times and messaged while I was on the way to bring his weed. Anyway. Going back to the Tinder point. I can see that he didn’t delete it yet, and yes I checked it with my fake account and see that he has been active again. Should I just walk away without saying anything? Should I be with him until he finds someone and dumps me? Should I be with him and pretend nothing happened? I’m 35 and I feel like I need a real man by my side. And after this Tinder events, I cannot tell him everyday about this. And everytime I try to explain my feelings or emotions is like I’m looking for an argument… thanks in advance

[John]

I understand that discovering your partner using the Tinder app has brought a lot of confusion and hurt into your life. It's essential to navigate such situations with care and prioritize your own well-being. Let's break down the situation and explore some possible paths forward.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge the emotional toll this discovery has taken on you. Feeling betrayed and experiencing the silent treatment can be incredibly challenging. It's clear that you have concerns about your partner's behavior, including potential narcissistic tendencies and a lack of consideration for your feelings.

In relationships, trust is the foundation, and discovering your partner on a dating app can be a significant breach of that trust. The fact that he hasn't deleted the app and has been active on it again raises valid concerns. It's crucial to prioritize your own mental and emotional health in this situation.

Now, let's consider the options you've mentioned:

1. Walking Away Without Saying Anything: Walking away is a valid option, especially if you feel that the relationship has become toxic and is affecting your well-being. It might be challenging, but sometimes taking a step back can provide clarity and allow you to focus on your own happiness.

2. Staying Until He Finds Someone and Dumps You: Staying in a relationship where you feel unappreciated and disrespected is not a healthy choice. It's essential to value yourself and not settle for a relationship that doesn't fulfill your emotional needs. Waiting for someone to end the relationship might prolong your pain and hinder your ability to move on.

3. Pretending Nothing Happened: Pretending that nothing happened is not a sustainable solution. Ignoring the issue may lead to ongoing resentment and unaddressed emotions. It's crucial to communicate openly about your feelings and concerns in a relationship for it to thrive.

Considering your desire for a "real man" by your side, it's important to define what that means for you. A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, communication, and shared responsibilities. If you find yourself shouldering most of the burdens and feeling unsupported, it's worth reflecting on whether this relationship aligns with your long-term goals and values.

In any decision you make, prioritize your own happiness and well-being. It may be beneficial to seek support from friends, family, or a counselor who can provide guidance and a listening ear. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and loved.

If you decide to address the issue with your partner, approach the conversation calmly and assertively. Share your feelings and concerns, and observe how he responds. Trust your instincts and make decisions that contribute to your overall happiness and fulfillment.

[Camila]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging situation in your relationship. It can be incredibly difficult to discover that your partner has been using dating apps like Tinder behind your back. The feelings of betrayal and insecurity that arise from this can be overwhelming. It's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and make decisions that are in your best interest.

Based on the information you've shared, it seems like there are several red flags in your relationship. Your partner's behavior, such as giving you the silent treatment, gaslighting, and treating you poorly, is not healthy or respectful. Additionally, his addiction to weed and his lack of responsibility in everyday tasks are concerning factors. It's crucial to recognize that you deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated with kindness, respect, and equality.

You mentioned feeling addicted to him, which is not uncommon in relationships where there are controlling or manipulative behaviors. It's essential to remember that you have the power to break free from this cycle and create a healthier future for yourself. It may be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or even a therapist who can provide guidance and help you navigate your emotions.

In terms of what steps to take next, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make, but it's important to consider your own well-being and happiness. Staying in a relationship where you feel unvalued and disrespected will likely only lead to further pain and heartache.

One option is to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Express how his actions have made you feel and what you need from the relationship. However, based on his past behavior, it's crucial to be prepared for potential gaslighting or defensiveness. It's possible that he may not take full responsibility for his actions or show genuine remorse. In such cases, it may be necessary to reevaluate whether this relationship is truly healthy for you.

Alternatively, you might consider ending the relationship without further discussion. Walking away from a toxic situation can be incredibly empowering and liberating. It allows you to prioritize your own needs and work towards finding a partner who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

Remember, it's okay to put yourself first. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and treats you well. It may be helpful to focus on self-care, building a support system, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Taking these steps will empower you to create a future filled with happiness and a healthy relationship.

If you find it challenging to navigate this situation on your own, consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor. They can provide you with professional guidance, support, and help you develop the necessary skills to move forward in a positive direction.

Please remember that you are not alone, and there are people who care about your well-being. Take the time to prioritize yourself and make decisions that align with your values and happiness.