I M27 was dating a girl F26 for 3 months I don’t know what happened

[AccurateRegister42]

I \[M27\] had been dating this girl \[F26\] for 3 months but the relationship broke down

I’ve never really had a girlfriend before, or really been interested in meeting someone until I moved to this new city. I’m 27 and I don’t speak the language in this city. I’m sorry for the long post.

I met this girl 3 months ago randomly, she seemed nice and sweet at the start. She speaks my home language really well so it was nice to meet someone else who can.

Some things to note, not in any particular order;

• * We hadn’t kissed
• * Most of the time she would only come over if I paid for the cab
• * We both agreed to take things slow, I was the one to suggest this because I thought it was moving a little fast.
• * When she comes over we always cuddle and snuggle together on the couch
• * We stay in different rooms because she says her parents would get mad
• * We agreed that if there’s a problem in the relationship, the best way to resolve it is to communicate and talk to each other about it
• * Whenever I try to talk to her about the relationship she doesn’t want to talk about it and tells me she needs more time, she gets upset
• * She had me call her by a nickname from the start, and was reluctant to tell me her real name
• * She was ok with me hugging her, but wouldn’t hug me back, and she stopped that
• * She asks me to call her more but whenever I try, she doesn’t answer, gets annoyed and tells me to text instead.
• * It was always at my place we would hang out, I tried suggesting hanging out at her place but she didn’t want me to know where she lived
• * If we had to meet, it would always be somewhere near her place.
• * She told me to wait for her at a meeting place, but didn’t show up at the arranged time, I tried messaging and calling but no response, I ended up waiting for almost an hour on the street.
• * By the second or third date, she jumped right in asking if I was the prince she was waiting for and asked me to be her prince
• * She told me she was shy, insecure, and clingy
• * She told me she likes a muscular man, I go to the gym but I’m not muscular
• * She says she’s looking for someone to lift her out of poverty
• * She didn’t want people to see us together in public, because she was afraid “they would think things”
• * she doesn’t want to hold hands or lock arms outside of the estate I live, unless no one is around or it’s dark
• * On a couple of occasions I invited her to group meals with a couple of friends and she wanted to go, but by the time we were supposed to meet she wouldn’t reply to messages until hours later and
• * When plans were made and things changed, she wouldn’t keep me updated that the plans changed
• * I went on a trip. The day I return she offers to meet me at the airport to help me get home. It’s late, I get off the plane and she’s not there. I try calling, no answer. I call again a little later and she tells me she’s not coming.

We hang out at my place and she stays over more, we become more physical and close with each other but no sexual interaction. I find out that she’s saving herself for marriage.

When she comes over it’s usually late in the evening, she eats, sits with me to watch something for an hour or two, then goes to bed. Sometimes she would go straight to bed after eating or would watch something on her phone instead of talking with me.

When she’s in bed, I stay up and I can still hear her talking on the phone or watching videos. She has asked me to lie next to her in the bed before, so I ask if I can join her to watch the show, but she says no.

In the morning, after eating, she often says she has to immediately leave.

We go out, but she says she doesn’t like my clothes, that people will think I’m homosexual because the clothes have patterns and designs and we should look at different clothes. I tell her it’s ok to not like some things, everyone has different styles but I’m open to listening to her opinion and suggestions.

These past few weeks, she kept bringing up that we go and looks at dogs together that week and buy one right away. She talks about this in text and in person when she comes over. I tell her it’s something I might consider later so she says to buy it when we come back from the trip. This seems like a rash decision to me, we’re not officially together, she's said before she can't move in because her parents would be angry if they find she’s staying with a boy.

She’s been telling me how much she wants to go to a different city, and we both like the idea of going together. We decided to make plans to go away for a couple of nights, but stay in different rooms.

She was asking me if I felt relaxed with her and enjoyed everything I say yes and she says yes.

For convenience, we agreed that she should stay over the night before so we can go to the train station together. I don’t hear from her so i send a message and she’s not coming over.

We meet in the morning and get the train, she seems happy and relaxed and fine. Really excited.

When we get to the city, we explore and have some fun looking around.

She really wants to go to a club together, it’s her first time, and she really wants to have 6 cocktails. We promise each other we won’t leave each other. She has a couple of drinks and I record the live music but she’s disappeared and I get worried. I look around but can’t find her anywhere I leave the bar to look outside and go back in and she’s laughing saying it was just a joke. I brush it off.

I start enjoying myself we have another drink and I’m dancing, but she pushes me into some people and says she doesn’t want people to think she’s with me. She wants to talk and have fun with other people and not with me.

I try to talk to her at the bar, but she keeps turning away from me and pushes me away. There’s another guy wanting her to drink more and I keep telling him she’s had enough. I try to talk to her and she keeps pushing me away and turning away. People are saying some things. I stand back and tell her to stop, and tell her if she wants me to leave I will. But she gets really upset and storms out.

I have to chase after her and sit on the road in front to get her to stop because she’s drunk. I take her back to her room. After what she said in the bar, the relationship changed. I try to talk to her about her behaviour and what she said to me at the club but she just laughs and just says it was a crazy night. I try to talk to her about our relationship, but she won’t and says we’ve already talked about it before. She keeps saying she feels pressure but she won’t talk to me about it.

We explore the city some more, she says she wants to go out to drink later but not with me. She asks me to take her back to the club and wait for her. She wants to have a drink with me after the club but I say no and we’ll have one when we return home instead.

She sends me a message early in the morning when we were going to be returning home asking if I was at the front desk. I didn’t see the message until later, so I reply but get no response. I’m a little worried about her since she was drinking and was a little emotional. I got to the front desk and check if she’s there and ask if she had been waiting, she hadn’t.

I go to her room and gently knock on the door, no answer. I figure she’s still sleeping. I go back to bed for a while, there’s a knock on my door. I open the door thinking it’s her but she called the police.

They tell me she heard a knock on the door and she asked the hotel staff to call the police. They tell me she’s very sensitive and thinks the relationship is going too fast. She doesn’t want me to contact her. I tell them we were going to organise how much each of us paid when we got back home, so they talk to her and she agrees to pay me her share. I feel so worried and concerned about her right now but they told me not to contact her. She blocked me from social media.


Did I do something wrong that warranted the police being called?

Were there some red flags I didn’t see?

What can I do to handle the situation better in the future?

[Shirley]

Firstly, I want to commend you for sharing your experience and seeking guidance. It sounds like you've been through quite a tumultuous journey with this person, and it's natural to feel confused and even hurt by what has transpired. Let's delve into your questions and see if we can unravel some insights from your experience.

Did you do something wrong that warranted the police being called? From what you've described, it doesn't seem like you intentionally did anything to warrant such a drastic response. It appears that the situation escalated due to misunderstandings and miscommunications. However, it's crucial to reflect on your actions and see if there were any unintentional behaviors that might have contributed to her feeling uncomfortable or unsafe. It's possible that cultural or language barriers may have played a role in misinterpreting each other's intentions.

Were there some red flags you didn't see? Absolutely, there were several red flags throughout your relationship that might not have been immediately apparent. One significant red flag is her reluctance to communicate openly about the relationship and her boundaries. Healthy relationships thrive on open communication and mutual respect for each other's feelings and needs. Additionally, her erratic behavior, such as disappearing without explanation and expecting you to wait for her indefinitely, raises concerns about her reliability and commitment to the relationship. Furthermore, her unwillingness to engage in public displays of affection and her discomfort with being seen together suggest underlying issues that warrant further exploration.

What can you do to handle the situation better in the future? Moving forward, it's essential to prioritize your well-being and establish clear boundaries in your relationships. Trust your instincts and pay attention to any warning signs that indicate potential problems. Communication is key in any relationship, so make sure to express your thoughts and feelings openly and encourage your partner to do the same. If someone exhibits concerning behavior or makes you feel uncomfortable, don't hesitate to address it directly and assertively. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who respects and values you for who you are.

In conclusion, navigating relationships, especially in a new city and cultural environment, can be challenging. It's essential to approach each interaction with awareness, empathy, and a willingness to learn and grow. While your experience may have been difficult, it can serve as a valuable learning opportunity as you continue to navigate the complexities of dating and relationships. Trust yourself, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize your emotional well-being above all else.

[Dennis]

It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling confused and concerned about what happened in your relationship. Let's break down your questions and address each of them one by one.

Firstly, concerning the police being called, it's important to recognize that it's not necessarily about you doing something wrong. It seems like your girlfriend was feeling overwhelmed and perhaps scared in the moment. From her perspective, she might have felt like she needed assistance or protection. However, it's also crucial to note that calling the police in such situations should be a last resort, and it's important for both parties to communicate openly and honestly before escalating to that level.

Now, let's talk about red flags. It's clear from your description that there were several concerning behaviors and patterns in your relationship. These red flags include:

1. Lack of communication: Despite your efforts to talk about the relationship, she consistently avoided these conversations or shut them down.

2. Unpredictable behavior: From not showing up at agreed-upon meeting places to disappearing in the club without warning, her actions seem erratic and unpredictable.

3. Disrespectful behavior: Pushing you away, not wanting to be seen with you in public, and making hurtful comments about your appearance are all signs of disrespect.

4. Isolation: Refusing to let you know where she lives, not introducing you to her friends or family, and avoiding public displays of affection are all ways in which she may be isolating you.

5. Manipulation: Making rash decisions like wanting to buy a dog together or planning to move to a different city without considering your feelings or the practicalities of the situation could be seen as manipulative behavior.

These are just a few examples, but they indicate a pattern of behavior that is unhealthy and potentially toxic.

Now, moving on to how you can handle the situation better in the future. It's essential to prioritize your own well-being and set boundaries in your relationships. Here are some steps you can take:

1. Trust your instincts: If something doesn't feel right or if you notice behavior that makes you uncomfortable, trust yourself and address it directly with your partner.

2. Establish clear communication: It's crucial to have open and honest conversations about your relationship, including your feelings, concerns, and expectations. If your partner is unwilling to engage in these conversations or becomes defensive, it may be a sign that the relationship is not healthy.

3. Set boundaries: Identify what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior for you in a relationship and communicate these boundaries clearly to your partner. Respectfully enforce these boundaries if they are crossed.

4. Take care of yourself: Remember to prioritize self-care and do things that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of your relationship. This can help you maintain a sense of perspective and independence.

In conclusion, navigating relationships can be challenging, especially when faced with red flags and unhealthy dynamics. By prioritizing open communication, setting boundaries, and taking care of yourself, you can navigate these challenges with greater clarity and confidence. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected, valued, and supported.