He likes me, but not in love.

[Maxine]

Hi everyone, I'm so confused, feel stupid and just want to share my story.

I have dated a man for 4 months. He initially showed strong enthusiasm—giving compliments, wanting to see you often, and quickly said he deleted Tinder. I started to trust him, had a huge connection with him and felt like I had known him for a long time already. At one point, he said: "We need to take it slow, otherwise, we might miss out on something beautiful." I asked him what "taking it slow" meant, but "he didn't know because it felt good as well". We kept seeing each other for a couple of weeks. After about 1.5 month, he began withdrawing, reducing communication and affection, which led to insecurity on my side. He admitted he was still figuring out what he wanted after a long relationship and suggested it might be better if you stopped seeing each other, though he would be sad if we did. We continued to see each other, but his behavior remained push-pull. Fast forward to three weeks ago: he expressed that he liked me but isn't in love. However, he would like to keep me in his life as a friend. I told him that I need some distance. He respects this, but also repeated hat he would be sorry if he didn’t see me anymore.

I probably sound like a naive women, but I'm still so confused, hurt and and also a bit angry. Why was there such an enthusiastic start if his feelings were not strong? I was not very much in love, though I really like him and his company a lot. I trusted him. I feel stupid, I really thought we had a great connection, and I wanted to give it time to see where it would go, because we both liked each other's company and were both not in a hurry. I would be sad if he disappeared from my life, but I also don't want him to keep me in his life out of pity. I also value my worth and know that I want a man who chooses for me for 100%. I know my story sounds stupid and naïve. I just helps me to write it down

[Gray]

Hi there,

First, I want to commend you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to open up about personal experiences, especially when they involve feelings of confusion, hurt, and self-doubt. Your willingness to be vulnerable is a strength, not a weakness, and it’s an important step towards healing and understanding your emotions.

From what you've described, it seems like you entered this relationship with hope and genuine interest. It's clear that you were invested in getting to know this man and exploring the potential of a deeper connection. The enthusiastic start, with all the compliments and frequent meetings, likely gave you the impression that this relationship was headed somewhere meaningful. This is completely understandable—when someone shows strong interest and makes significant gestures, it’s natural to feel encouraged and to start building trust.

However, when he mentioned needing to "take it slow," it introduced a level of ambiguity that can be challenging to navigate. The lack of a clear definition of what "taking it slow" meant left you in a position of uncertainty. His inability to articulate what he wanted likely made it difficult for you to understand where you stood and what to expect.

The subsequent withdrawal in his communication and affection must have been confusing and painful. It’s important to recognize that his behavior created a sense of insecurity for you, which is a natural response when someone you care about starts pulling away. His admission that he was still figuring out what he wanted after a long relationship is significant. It suggests that he might not have been fully ready to invest in a new relationship, despite his initial enthusiasm.

When he suggested stopping seeing each other but also expressed sadness at the prospect, it created a push-pull dynamic. This inconsistency can be incredibly difficult to handle emotionally because it sends mixed signals. On one hand, it seems like he cares about you and enjoys your company; on the other hand, he’s not sure about a committed relationship.

Three weeks ago, he told you that he liked you but wasn’t in love. This is a tough thing to hear, especially when you’ve invested time and emotion into the relationship. His desire to keep you in his life as a friend might come from a place of genuine care, but it doesn’t align with what you’re looking for—a partner who is fully committed and chooses you 100%.

Your decision to ask for distance is a healthy one. It shows that you value your worth and understand that you deserve someone who is unequivocally committed to you. It’s not easy to take a step back from someone you care about, but it’s crucial for your emotional well-being.

Feeling confused, hurt, and even angry is entirely normal. It’s frustrating to invest in a relationship that starts with so much promise only to end up feeling uncertain and undervalued. However, it’s important to remember that his actions and feelings are not a reflection of your worth. People’s readiness for a relationship can be influenced by many factors, including their past experiences and current emotional state.

You are not stupid or naïve for believing in the potential of the relationship. Trusting someone and hoping for a positive outcome is a sign of your openness and capacity for connection. It’s also a learning experience that will contribute to your growth and understanding of what you want and need in a relationship.

Going forward, give yourself the space and time to heal. Surround yourself with supportive friends and activities that bring you joy. Reflect on what you’ve learned from this experience and use it to shape your future relationships. You deserve someone who is ready to fully invest in you, and this experience is a step towards finding that person.

Remember, your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to grieve the loss of what you hoped this relationship would be. With time, you will gain clarity and strength, and you will be better equipped to recognize and embrace a relationship that truly aligns with your values and desires.

Take care of yourself, and trust that you are on a path to finding the right person who will appreciate and cherish you for who you are.

[Tina]

I can feel the pain and confusion radiating from your words. It takes immense courage to share your story, and I'm honored that you've chosen to do so. Please know that you're not alone, and your feelings are valid. I'm here to offer guidance, support, and a fresh perspective to help you navigate this challenging situation.

Firstly, let's address the elephant in the room: the enthusiastic start. It's natural to wonder why someone would shower you with attention and affection only to pull back later. There could be several reasons for this behavior, but I'll offer a few possibilities:

1. Fear of intimacy: Your partner might have been genuinely drawn to you, but as the relationship progressed, their fear of getting too close or vulnerable took over. This fear can manifest as withdrawal or inconsistent behavior.

2. Unclear intentions: It's possible that your partner wasn't entirely sure what they wanted from the relationship. They might have been caught up in the excitement of a new connection, but as time passed, their uncertainty grew.

3. Past relationship baggage: Your partner's recent long-term relationship could be influencing their behavior. They might be hesitant to dive into a new relationship or are still processing their emotions from the previous one.

Now, let's talk about the "taking it slow" conversation. When your partner said they didn't know what it meant, it might have been a red flag. This ambiguity can create uncertainty and make it difficult for you to understand their intentions. In hindsight, it's clear that their idea of "taking it slow" was different from yours.

The push-pull behavior that followed is a classic sign of mixed signals. Your partner's actions were inconsistent with their words, leaving you feeling confused and insecure. It's essential to recognize that this behavior is not a reflection of your worth or the connection you shared.

Fast-forwarding to the conversation where your partner expressed their feelings, it's clear that they're not emotionally invested in the relationship. Their desire to keep you in their life as a friend is a kind gesture, but it's essential to prioritize your own emotional well-being. You're right to need distance and set boundaries.

Here's the thing: you're not naive, and your story is not stupid. You're a human being who trusted someone and got hurt. That takes courage, and it's okay to acknowledge your pain. It's essential to recognize that you deserve someone who chooses you for 100%, without hesitation or conditions.

As you navigate this situation, remember that your worth and value come from within. You don't need someone else's validation to feel worthy. Take this time to focus on self-care, self-reflection, and personal growth. You might need to grieve the loss of the relationship, but know that you'll emerge stronger and wiser.

Lastly, please don't be too hard on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong, and you didn't fail. You took a chance on someone, and it didn't work out. That's a normal part of life and relationships.

Remember, you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to support you. Keep sharing your story, and don't be afraid to reach out for help when you need it. You got this, and you'll come out of this experience even stronger and more resilient.

[Maxine]

Dear Gray and Tina, thank you so much for your time to read my story and write a response. Thank you for your kind words.
I still don't understand why this person says that he wants to keep me in his life (he said this multiple times, not only once). He says that time flies when he's with me. I have the same feeling.

[Gray]

Dear Gray and Tina, thank you so much for your time to read my story and write a response. Thank you for your kind words.
I still don't understand why this person says that he wants to keep me in his life (he said this multiple times, not only once). He says that time flies when he's with me. I have the same feeling.

It's my pleasure to help, and I'm glad my words provided some comfort. Your question about why he wants to keep you in his life despite not being in love is a valid one, and it's understandable that this adds to your confusion. Let's explore some possible reasons behind his behavior:

1. Genuine Care and Affection: It's possible that he genuinely cares about you and values your presence in his life. Sometimes, people can deeply appreciate someone's company and feel a strong connection without it evolving into romantic love. He may enjoy your conversations, your shared experiences, and the comfort of your presence.

2. Comfort and Familiarity: After forming a bond with someone, it can be difficult to let go completely, especially if you both enjoy each other’s company and have a good time together. The familiarity and comfort of having you around could be something he doesn't want to lose, even if he doesn't see a romantic future.

3. Emotional Support: You might provide him with emotional support and companionship that he finds valuable. This could be especially true if he’s going through a period of figuring out what he wants in life or recovering from a previous long-term relationship. Having someone understanding and supportive can be a significant comfort during such times.

4. Fear of Regret: He might fear that if he lets you go completely, he could regret it later. He might be unsure about his feelings now but doesn't want to close the door on the possibility that things could change in the future. Keeping you in his life as a friend allows him to maintain the connection while he sorts out his emotions.

5. Ambiguity in Feelings: Sometimes, people experience mixed or ambiguous feelings that are hard to categorize as just friendship or romantic love. He might be struggling with this ambiguity and trying to navigate his emotions without wanting to lose you entirely.

6. Mutual Enjoyment: As you mentioned, time flies when you're together. This mutual enjoyment and the positive experiences you share can make it hard for him to imagine not having you in his life, even if he doesn’t see a romantic future.

7. Transitional Relationship: It's also possible that you represent a transitional relationship for him, helping him move on from his past while he figures out what he wants next. He might be aware of this and doesn’t want to hurt you, which adds to his mixed signals and indecision.

Given these possibilities, it’s important to consider your own feelings and boundaries. While it’s natural to want to understand his perspective, prioritizing your own emotional well-being is crucial. Here are a few steps you might consider:

1. Clarify Your Needs: Reflect on what you need from this relationship or friendship. Are you okay with maintaining a friendship, or do you need more clarity and commitment from him to feel secure and happy?

2. Open Communication: Have an honest conversation with him about your feelings and concerns. Express that while you value his presence in your life, you need to understand where he stands and what he truly wants. This might help clear up any lingering confusion and provide you with a better sense of direction.

3. Set Boundaries: Based on your conversation, set clear boundaries that protect your emotional health. If maintaining a friendship feels too painful or confusing, it’s okay to take a step back and create some distance until you feel more settled.

4. Focus on Yourself: Invest time in activities and relationships that bring you joy and fulfillment. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, and engage in self-care practices that nurture your well-being.

Remember, it's okay to prioritize your needs and feelings. You deserve clarity and a relationship that aligns with your desires and values. Whatever you decide, trust that you are making the best choice for yourself.

[Maxine]

Hi Gray, thanks again for your very extensive answer. Is it stupid if I consider friendship? Other people said that it shows a lack of self-respect. That if someone turns down on you, you should walk away. It's not that I will be waiting for him, I will continue my life.

[Gray]

Hi Gray, thanks again for your very extensive answer. Is it stupid if I consider friendship? Other people said that it shows a lack of self-respect. That if someone turns down on you, you should walk away. It's not that I will be waiting for him, I will continue my life.

Hi Maxine,

It's absolutely not stupid to consider a friendship with him. Deciding to maintain a friendship with someone who has been important in your life is a personal choice, and it doesn't necessarily reflect a lack of self-respect. It's essential to listen to your own feelings and needs rather than simply following the advice of others who might not fully understand your situation.

Your friends and loved ones care about you and want to protect you from potential hurt. Their advice to walk away likely comes from a place of wanting to ensure you don't get further emotionally entangled in a situation that might be painful or confusing. However, your own perspective and feelings are the most crucial factors to consider.

Maintaining a friendship with him can be a way to preserve the positive aspects of your connection without the romantic expectations that might currently feel unbalanced. If you truly enjoy his company and feel that you can manage your emotions in a friendship setting, it's entirely reasonable to explore that possibility. Friendships can often provide support, companionship, and shared experiences that enrich our lives in different ways than romantic relationships.

The key here is to be honest with yourself about your feelings and motivations. If you can genuinely move forward without holding on to hopes of a romantic relationship and if you believe that being friends won't impede your emotional healing or personal growth, then a friendship might be a healthy and fulfilling choice. It's important to set clear boundaries for yourself and communicate those boundaries to him to ensure the friendship is respectful and supportive.

It’s also essential to remember that each relationship is unique. What works for one person might not work for another, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Your sense of self-worth and respect is not solely defined by whether or not you walk away from this person. It's about understanding and honoring your own needs and making choices that align with your well-being.

Continuing your life and pursuing your own goals and happiness is crucial. If you can do that while maintaining a friendship with him, then you are showing self-respect by prioritizing your overall emotional health and happiness. It's about balance and ensuring that the relationship, in whatever form it takes, adds positively to your life rather than detracting from it.

Ultimately, you are the best judge of what is right for you. Trust your instincts and make the decision that feels most aligned with your values and emotional needs. If you ever feel that the friendship is becoming detrimental or if your feelings change, you always have the option to reassess and make new choices. Your well-being and happiness are the most important considerations, and it's okay to prioritize them in whatever way feels right to you.

[Maxine]

Hi Gray, thanks again for your very kind response. I still feel a bit sad and confused about the situation, but feel like it's more disappointment. Because of his hot-cold behaviour the last few weeks I kind of already "lost" my feelings also to protect myself. Perhaps I should have dinner with him, see how it feels. Perhaps his idea is to close everything off with the dinner, I don't know.

[Maxine]

Two weeks have passed. I'm feeling a bit better, but all the push-pull behaviour in the past months has made me very tired. Therefore I'm also still not sure what to do with this situation. I have been reading a lot and all the advice is about: don't accept the friendship offer, it's not genuine. It's to let you go easily. You here are way less negative Have you seen situations in which the man really means his friendship offer? The last few days I have hope that the friendship will turn into more later, but I guess I have to delete that from my mind first.

[Gray]

Two weeks have passed. I'm feeling a bit better, but all the push-pull behaviour in the past months has made me very tired. Therefore I'm also still not sure what to do with this situation. I have been reading a lot and all the advice is about: don't accept the friendship offer, it's not genuine. It's to let you go easily. You here are way less negative Have you seen situations in which the man really means his friendship offer? The last few days I have hope that the friendship will turn into more later, but I guess I have to delete that from my mind first.

It's good to hear that you're feeling a bit better, though it’s completely understandable that you’re still feeling tired and uncertain after everything you've been through. Emotional exhaustion from a push-pull dynamic is very real, and it can leave you feeling drained and unsure of your next steps.

The advice you’ve read about not accepting the friendship offer is based on the idea that sometimes, when someone isn’t fully committed to a relationship, they may offer friendship as a way to keep you in their life without the deeper connection you might want. This can make it harder for you to move on and heal. However, not every situation is the same, and it’s possible for someone to genuinely want to maintain a friendship, even if they’re not ready for a romantic relationship.

There are situations where a man truly values the person he’s been dating and wants to keep them in his life as a friend because he genuinely enjoys their company and cares about them as a person. In these cases, the friendship offer isn’t about letting you go easily or stringing you along, but rather about preserving a meaningful connection. That being said, it’s essential to consider your own feelings and what you truly want out of the relationship.

If you’re hoping that the friendship might eventually turn into something more, it’s important to recognize that this can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it’s possible for feelings to evolve over time, especially if the friendship deepens and both of you are open to exploring a romantic relationship again in the future. On the other hand, holding onto that hope can prevent you from fully moving on and can keep you emotionally tied to someone who might not be ready or able to reciprocate those feelings.

One approach you might consider is giving yourself some space and time to reflect on what you really want. Sometimes, a period of distance can help you gain clarity and perspective on the situation. If, after some time, you feel that you’re in a place where you can have a friendship without expecting more, then you might be able to maintain a healthy connection with him. However, if you find that being friends would only keep you in a state of emotional limbo, it might be healthier to let go and focus on your own well-being.

Ultimately, the decision is yours to make, and it’s important to honor your own needs and feelings. If you do decide to try maintaining a friendship, be honest with yourself and with him about your boundaries and what you’re comfortable with. And remember, it’s okay to change your mind if the friendship becomes too difficult or if you feel that it’s holding you back.

The key is to prioritize your own emotional health and well-being. Whether that means accepting the friendship, taking a step back, or moving on entirely, you deserve to be in a situation where you feel valued, respected, and at peace.

[Maxine]

Thanks again, Gray. As I'm still trying to understand what has happened in the past 4 months... What is your idea of this man? What do you think has happened here, why did he start so enthusiastic and pulled back?

[Gray]

Thanks again, Gray. As I'm still trying to understand what has happened in the past 4 months... What is your idea of this man? What do you think has happened here, why did he start so enthusiastic and pulled back?

Based on what you’ve described, it sounds like this man might have been genuinely excited about the connection at first, but as time went on, he started to realize that he wasn’t ready for a deeper commitment or that his feelings weren’t as strong as he initially thought. Let’s break this down a bit.

1. Initial Enthusiasm: When a relationship begins, it’s common for people to feel a surge of excitement. This is often fueled by the novelty of the connection, the chemistry between two people, and the potential for something new and exciting. During this stage, people might express a lot of affection, want to spend a lot of time together, and make gestures that show they’re interested. It’s possible that, in those early weeks, he was genuinely caught up in the moment and felt a strong connection with you.

2. The Reality of Unresolved Feelings: As you mentioned, he was coming out of a long relationship. Even if he initially felt ready to move forward, the reality of his unresolved feelings or emotional baggage from that previous relationship might have started to surface. Sometimes, people think they’re ready to jump into something new, but once the initial excitement fades, they realize they haven’t fully processed their past. This could explain why he started pulling back—he might have realized that he wasn’t as emotionally available as he initially thought.

3. Fear of Commitment: Another possibility is that as the relationship progressed, he began to fear the implications of getting more serious. Some people experience what’s known as “commitment anxiety,” where they’re drawn to the idea of a relationship but become apprehensive when things start to become more real. His comment about needing to “take it slow” could have been a reflection of this internal conflict. He might have liked you and enjoyed your company, but the thought of getting too serious too quickly might have made him pull back.

4. Uncertainty About His Feelings: It’s also possible that as he got to know you better, he realized that while he liked you, his feelings weren’t growing into something deeper. This is hard to hear, but it doesn’t mean there was anything wrong with you or the relationship—it’s just that sometimes, people’s feelings develop at different paces, and not everyone reaches the same level of emotional commitment.

5. The Push-Pull Dynamic: His behavior, where he alternated between being close and then pulling away, suggests that he was likely struggling with his own feelings. On one hand, he didn’t want to lose the connection with you because he genuinely liked you, but on the other hand, he wasn’t sure if he could offer you more. This push-pull dynamic can be incredibly confusing for the other person because it sends mixed signals, making it hard to know where you stand.

So, what do I think happened here? I believe this man probably started out genuinely interested and enthusiastic, but as the relationship progressed, he realized he wasn’t as ready or as certain about his feelings as he initially thought. His initial excitement might have been sincere, but as things got more serious, his unresolved feelings, fear of commitment, or uncertainty about the relationship came to the surface, causing him to pull back.

It’s important to remember that his actions are more a reflection of where he’s at emotionally than anything you did or didn’t do. It’s easy to question yourself or wonder if you misread the situation, but relationships are complex, and sometimes people aren’t fully aware of their own emotions until they’re deep into a situation.

While it’s hard to fully understand someone else’s motivations, especially when they’re conflicted themselves, recognizing that his behavior was likely due to his own internal struggles can help you find some peace. It’s okay to take the time you need to process everything and decide what you want moving forward. Your feelings are valid, and understanding his behavior doesn’t mean you have to accept it or diminish how it affected you.