What does my ex want?

[miemarie]

Hey, I need some help. My ex boyfriend and I broke up about 2 years ago and there have been a lot of falling back and sleeping together, but a year ago i thoght it would be best to move away and get some space. I have now moved back and started hanging out with him or his friends. And i thoght we were over and all that. But 4 weekends in a row i have slept over at his house after partys and stuff (no sex, just talking and having fun), but he is so hard to understand when it comes to what i really wants, what should i do?

Ps. Sorry for my bad english, im norwegian

[shrah25]

Hi miemarie

Thanks for your message.

Firstly, I totally understand how there can be the temptation to want to spend time with him.
In order to help though, I need you to answer a couple of questions:

1) Do you have strong feelings for him?
2) Has he demonstrated any behaviour that would indicate that he has strong feelings for you?


Thanks

[miemarie]

1) Yes, but i dont think i want to
2) he always showns up and want to be around me, and talk about me to are common friends

[shrah25]

Hi miemarie

Thanks for your reply.

OK, so if you have strong feelings for him and he is demonstrating behaviour that is showing that he is interested in you, then what is holding you back from getting back with him?
It's really important to explore this as well as your fears that are holding you back.
I'm not suggesting that you get back with him or not - all i'm suggesting is that you attempt to gain greater awareness of what is going on in terms of your psychology, so that you can decide on what to do next.

Feel free to PM me and i'd be happy to give you some further direction on how to do this.

Thanks
Sri

[Sandra]

When you're a woman, like you and I are, men can sometimes become something of a riddle. You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you? Let's take the case of an ex boyfriend. We've all had at least one ex who we couldn't get over. We'd think about him non-stop, we'd do foolish things like call him up and demand to know why he won't take us back and we've cried hours over him. It's part of the romantic journey to experience those things but what happens when your ex boyfriend starts sending out a multitude of mixed signals in your direction? If your ex boyfriend is hot and cold, you've really got to temper that before you start putting your emotional health at risk. A man like this has all the control over the break up and the subsequent reunion. You don't want to place your heart and your happiness in his hands. You have to learn how to deal with him in such a way that his wavering back and forth between wanting you and not wanting you doesn't even phase you anymore.

Before we can delve into what you should be doing to temper his shifting attraction to you, let's focus for a bit on why he's acting this way. Not all men do this after a break up, but a surprising number do. We, as the women in love with said ex boyfriend, want to believe that his confusion is caused by his overwhelming love. In our naive minds we believe that he acts hot and cold because he is trying to rein in a heart that is out of control with love and devotion. It's so romantic, isn't it? It's a fairytale though that belongs in a book. This isn't your reality. He's not pulling you close and then pushing you away because he cares so deeply for you. He's playing a sadistic game with your heart and he may not even realize he's doing it.

Just as we have trouble letting go after a break up, men are the same. The difference is that we don't want to let go of the illusion that the love we shared with our ex was larger than life and could survive anything. For him, it's much more about not wanting to be alone and if there's no one else suitable on his emotional horizon, he'll come circling back to you looking for you to fulfill his needs until he tires of that again.

That's a harsh reality that unfortunately you need to accept before you can deal with him in a productive manner. If you want to continue to believe that he's hot and cold because he's lost in his conflicting feelings for you, you'll continue to be hurt when he keeps disappearing after telling you he adores you and can't live without you. If he truly cared for you to the extent that he professes, he wouldn't act cold ever. He would be loving, attentive and working hard to ensure the future you two share is much better than the best.

Since he's not doing that, you're going to have to put up an emotional barrier that will ward against his hot moods. When he suddenly calls or texts you out of the blue saying he misses you, don't respond right away. Wait an hour or two and then simply ask how he is in response. Don't immediately play into his words by telling him you miss him every second of the day.

The same is true if he wants to hang out with you. Tell him that you've already made other plans but you can see him in three or four days when you have an opening. If he loved you as much as you want to believe he does, he'll be happy to wait. If you don't hear back for weeks, he found someone else to fill in his time.

Your emotional well being has to be your main concern. When a man either knowingly or unknowingly plays hot and cold with you it can open your heart up to even more heartbreak when he decides to go cold and disappear. Take control of your future and don't make it too easy for him to manipulate you. If he really does care for you, he'll stop playing games and he'll get down to the business of rebuilding the relationship you two lost.

[Roy]

Before we start, I am assuming that out of the two of you, you are the one who wants to get back together more than your ex does. I say this because if they want it more than you, you don't really need my advice, all you have to do is say ok.

However, in many break-ups there comes a time when you begin to wonder if they actually want you back. The heat of argument (if that was the cause) is gone, and you've both forgotten the sting of whatever it was that drove you apart in the first place. That and you both begin to remember fondly (and miss) the good parts of the relationship. The shared jokes. The favorite TV programs. The songs...

Anyway, you might find yourself wondering... "Does my ex really want me back?" or am I just imagining it?

There are certain signs to watch for, including seeming to 'bump into' each other more often than normal, awkwardly friendly conversations, the hint of flirting... basically a re-introduction of the courtship phase of the relationship.

This can be confusing, especially since not so long ago they were giving you the cold shoulder. But it can happen, and if you have been following the advice of some of other articles in the archive, it is common.

But, although these are positive signs, it does not mean that you can just jump right back into their arms and get back to where you where before. No.

Note: If you aren't at this stage yet. If you haven't experienced one of those kind of awkward conversations where you can feel the undercurrent of unspoken desire, then you shouldn't be reading this. What you need is to go back a few steps and read some of the other articles in the archives to get the foundations in place, and your mindset right.

Now that you're at this stage though, and your ex has shown some interest, to be sure of winning them back, and so as not to blow your chance, you need to do things right.

That means...

Taking your foot completely off the accelerator. Any pressure from you at this point is going to kill the attraction. To get your ex back successfully, you need to pull them towards you, and the way to do this is not to push them. The way to do it is to act a bit cool, a bit disinterested, a bit indifferent.

You see, the moment they feel you have been conquered, they will lose all interest in you once again. So become a challenge.

Return calls, but keep them short and trivial.

Let them know by your actions that you have a life away from them (Don't go out of your way to cater for them).
Act happy and put on your best self. Show them what they're missing out on.

Worry them that they could lose you. And by this I mean see and date other people, and don't hide this from your ex.

But above all, do not jump back into bed with them just yet. As soon as you do that, you cease to be a challenge any more. Remember, as soon as you're conquered completely they will lose interest. So no bed (yet) and no 'I love you' either.

In doing these things you'll keep your ex on the hook, and their desire for you will increase. Continue. Tease them a little. Play hard to get. Gratify, and then back off a little.

And above all, avoid getting into a deep, emotional discussion where you share all the reasons you should get back together.

I'm serious about that. How do we attract a mate in the first instance? It's not by having deep serious conversations, that's for sure. That is exactly the kind of thing people with troubled relationships do, and it almost never works out well.

To get your ex back, you need to go back to what worked the first time. Fun conversation. Flirting. A bit of give and take. Push and Pull. A bit of mystery.

Remember, you're pulling them back in. Which means no pressure. If you want a metaphor I guess it'd be like trying to catch a cat that just doesn't want to be caught. You can chase all day, and the faster you run, the harder you try you just can't grab it. And if you do it struggles to get away.

But.

But if you relax, sit down with some treats or a toy, pretty soon that cat will show interest in you. It'll stalk you a little. It'll sidle up and you'll have it eating out of your hand in no time.

One more thing. You have to have a bit of discipline while you do this. Inconsistent actions simply will not work. If you're indifferent one day, but then begging them to come back the other.... then you're lost. So keep it together.