How Do I Approach the Subject to Him about Our Future Together?

[Camila]

I have been in a long distance relationship for one year. When we are together everything is great. We try to see each at least once a month. We both are getting very frustrated because it is getting harder to get together because of busy schedules. We both have strong feelings for each other. I am not sure how to approach my friend about where the relationship is headed. I am willing to move if I knew of a permanent commitment from him. I do love him and he has signed off on his cards to me "love Mike". He has never said I love you directly to me. I have not said it to him because I don't want to scare him off.

How do I approach the subject to him about our future together? If he is not on the same emotional level as me, then I need to step away. I don't want to scare him with this sounding like an alternative, but I need to know.

Thank you

[Clinton]

Hi Camila,

Now for me reading through your question there is two parts...

1. Being in a long distance relationship and the issues that brings, which leads into the second part of your question...

2 Having the "Talk" to know where your relationship is heading?

Because that is a BIG step.

Now you say you try to get together once a month and when you meet up "everything is great" which is cool.

Yet hang on here, you have been seeing each other a year... once a month... that is one weekend a month...2 days a week, which by my math is 24 days out of 365.

You have not even seen each other a whole month yet, if what you have told me in your e mail is right.

And more and likely out of those 24 days you will have been enjoying each other, seeing the best of each other and although you have not mentioned it.

Having sex with each other.

So everything is rose tinted spectacles, for you having mentioned... "we both have strong feelings for each other."

Well yes, if you are both attracted to each other the chemistry is going to be high.

And I will be honest with you here Debbie, feelings are not a good thing to go making "BIG" choices on.

And this comes to the next part of you e mail...

Wanting to have the talk with him about how he feels and how the relationship between you moves on.

You are right to be wanting to do this Debbie... as you are talking about a very Big step.

How you approach this matter though is with some tact, you hit your boyfriend head on and he will withdraw, because it changes the nature of the relationship between you.

Because you are asking to move from a causal relationship to something more deeper and committed, and "yes" you want to know.

However, going back to my earlier point, your in a long distance relationship, even though you have been seeing each other through the year.

The time you have actually spent together, in that year is not much.

I have some questions to ask...

Do you know that he really loves you?

Is this the man you would be happy having as the Father of your children?

Have you ever talked about any of these things with him.

• Family

• Building a future together

• Building a home.

• Finances

And what about shared values?

Because the really big question to ask and to know.... is how "committed" he is to you and would he be saying "yes" to these questions, except of course, being the mother to his children.

You asked "how do I approach the subject to him about our future together?"

What I will say is do not say "we need to have a talk."

That will put most men on the defensive.

Sound him out in stages, rise certain subjects with him in conversation, find out what he really thinks when he is at ease with you.

Prompt him and then listen.

You are right to ask before going further, because if you get this choice wrong.

You got a lot to lose and can mess you life up in many ways.

That is one of the problems of long distance relationships, you do not get to share in everyday things together.

You do not get to see the nature of each other on "Bad Hair" days or how you both work together facing every day problems or the support through stressful times.

Have a quiet sit and think with yourself Debbie about what you really want from this relationship and also find out what he really thinks and wants to?

Because the next step... "commitment" is a BIG one.

[Michael]

Are you able to recognize the signs that he's ready to take the relationship to the next level? Let's look at how things stand at the moment. You've found a guy that you have really connected with. You've been seeing him for a while now, and I would guess that you've known that he is the one for you for a while now. While you have come to terms with what you feel for him, you're not quite sure if he has finally managed to work out what he truly feels for you. It's just possible that you might have noticed that guys can be a wee bit slow in letting you know what you feel, but all the same it would be good to see some signs that he thinks the same about you so that you can give him the assurance that he needs to take the relationship to the next level.

If you really care for someone then it's a basic need to know that feeling is shared by your partner. If your guy talks about how much he loves you and that he wants to be with you then he should be ready to take the relationship to the next level, and yes I realize that this more of an ideal world situation. This is a bit of a generalisation but on the whole guys fear commitment and they are terrified of being rushed into something that they are not ready for, so if he has started talking about love and the future then he feels very strongly about your future together.

Has he introduced you to the people that he cares about, the people that are closest to him, his family and friends? Take a moment to think about this! By introducing you to his nearest and dearest he is not just saying that you are his girlfriend, he's saying that you are someone special, someone that he cares about very deeply. Just because you've been introduced it doesn't mean that it's time to write the wedding invitations out, but it is a sign that you could at some point move to the next level. If he's not yet introduced you to his nearest and dearest there could be legitimate reasons, but it could well be that he's not yet that serious about you.

We all have our hopes and dreams for the future, no-one can see into the future so they might be no more than pipe dreams, but it doesn't stop us talking about them. Once he starts to talk about your future together then he is definitely thinking about something more permanent. Think about this. Someone who still has an I'm single mentality would focus on how things affect them and the plans that they have for themselves. Once he starts to talk about we and us then you know that he no longer regards himself as single but as part of a couple.

If your relationship is going to stand the test of time, two of the most important things that you need are friendship and communication. If you can't stand the sight of each other then your relationship will never last, if you are at the level of nodding acquaintances then your relationship might work but it won't be anything special, but if you are friends then you have a relationship that can withstand anything. In order for a relationship to really work and a marriage to stand the test of time you have to be each others guarantee of unconditional support, you have to be the first person that they speak to if they have problems, you have to be the first person that they turn to and the first person that they think of. Without friendship there can be no real deep lasting love and commitment.

When you break it down the one thing that is behind more relationship breakups and divorces than anything else is a breakdown in communication. If you want your marriage to stand the test of time then you have to be able to talk to each other, and by talk I don't mean just the day-to-day stuff but the stuff that makes you tick, your feelings and emotions, your hopes and dreams, wants and needs. Talking with each other is what builds, nurtures and grows your relationship, if you are not doing that then you might want to have some serious thoughts as to where your relationship is going. But if your boyfriend is your best friend, if he shares everything with you right to the deepest level then you know that he's ready to take the relationship to the next level.

A relationship and a marriage is where two equals who love each other come together. Both of you have an equal responsibility to make your relationship work, and neither of you has the sole right to decide the direction of the relationship, or the sole right to make decisions. Regardless of what you both bring into the relationship you are equal. You have to work as a team and make decisions based on what is best for the union and not what is best for an individual. If this is him then it's a good sign that he is committed to your relationship, if he's not then you might have problems.

Is he always there for you. No matter how many times you call him through the day is he always happy to speak to you. Does he care about what you think and does he listen to you! If something is important to you, it should be important to him, and if he listens to you, what you say is important to him. If he is prepared to make time for you he is saying that there is no-one or nothing that is more important than you are. If he has more important calls on his time such as the T.V, playing computer games or visiting friends then you might want to have a long think.

Whilst he might struggle to put his feelings into words, if you can see that he's drawing ever closer to you then he could be gearing up to take your relationship to the next level. If he is making every effort to get to know you better and to finding out what makes you tick, I would say that things look good. If he is always happy to make time for you, if he is doing his utmost to make you happy, it's fair to say that things are looking promising. If he is committed to your relationship and trying to do his best to make it a healthy and happy one then the future looks bright. And of course if he is trying to find the size of a certain ring finger, I can't help but think that wedding bells are going to chime.

[Becky]

You meet someone and you hope for the best. If it doesn't work out then walk away. It sounds so simple but love is never meant to be that way. My mom always tells me that you will go through a lot of heartaches before you will meet that one person who will love you like crazy. I guess there's a truth to that, at least for me. Finding someone is not easy because of all the complexities that come with dating. It doesn't matter how many times you get hurt, the most important thing is you picked up some valuable lessons and then you move on. The beginning stage of any relationship can be ambiguous especially if you don't have any idea whether you and your partner are on the same page. You've been seeing someone and you seem to get along well but can a casual relationship turn serious? The answer is YES. How will you know if a guy wants your relationship to be for keeps?

1.) He Tells You Everything

Men are anything but talkers. If you've been dating then you know when I say that it's often difficult to get a man to open up. They guard their emotions and secrets so well and it sure drives us women crazy. If you've been dating for a while now and all you know is his job, Facebook status and what he likes in bed then don't expect the relationship to blossom into something deeper. When a guy sees you as a potential life partner, he is going to tell you everything including his childhood. When my boyfriend showed me his baby pictures, that's when I knew that he wants me to stick around for a little longer. If he starts telling you about his dreams, fears, plans for the future, past relationships and his family, it means your relationship has turned serious.

2.) He goes to big family events with you.

If he starts bringing you to birthdays or weddings it means that he is letting the world know that you are his woman and he is proud of you. That goes the same if he goes to your friend's or cousin's wedding as your date. Your relationship is on a serious track if he has introduced you to his family and extended family. This simply means that he wants them to know that you two are exclusive.

3.) Sleep-overs/He leaves his personal stuff

When you don't wake up with your bed half-empty and he actually wants to snuggle and stay for breakfast, it means he loves spending time with you. Does he have an extra pair of boxers in your closet? Are his toothbrush and razor in your bathroom? If so then it means he is trying to claim his territory and he is quietly telling you not to invite any other guy in your house.

4.) You two are comfortable doing nothing

When all the giddy feelings go away and you two still want to hang around, that's the time you know that the relationship is getting serious. The first few dates are all about getting to know each other, trying to impress each other and lots of sex. If you have made it past this stage it means you have established a deep connection and the relationship is for keeps. You are completely comfortable spending a quite time together and you are not dying to impress each other. When you have reached this stage it means that you both have let your guards down.

5.) The future revolves around you

How can a casual relationship turn serious? The most important thing is that you and your partner have the same goals. If your man keeps talking about your life together, his plans and if he starts to make more intelligent financial decisions it means that he definitely sees you in his future.

[Camila]

Thank you all for you advice.