Relationship Problems - Long Distance

[Lulusinger]

Hi,

Here's the background my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, we live four hours apart in the UK, he is a couple of years younger than me (I'm 24) and we see each other every two weeks taking it in turns to travel. I love him and he is a genuine, nice person and he loves me also, but at times we become tired and upset, frustrated and there have been occasions where we have both wanted to end it at different times. Initially my problem was the lack of communication between us, the fact that outside of our time we have together, he has a very busy life at the moment. Packed full of work, hobbies, and demanding responsibilities from his family and socialising with friends. I however just go to work and come home relaxing in the evenings, seeing family and going out socialising maybe once or twice a week, getting up to more low key activities. The problem was that he wouldn't contact me for hours and hours and would just randomly disappear, he also stopped video chatting with me months into the relationship which I miss. And I would feel terribly lonely as I don't have the most friends and just miss him like crazy but lately he constantly distances himself from me. When we first met he was crazy about me and I didn't actually want to know, taking up all of my time with phone calls texts video calls the whole lot, and I just terribly miss that now. He also didn't have the most friends and not a lot going on his life. Now he has a busy life he just doesn't have time for me, and refuses to make an effort as he believes a relationship should come naturally. But as we are long distance communication is all we have... anyway. I got advice from a couple of forums, and they have advised me to build a life outside of him and start to love myself first and become more interesting, gaining more hobbies and friends, and to also give him some space. I have started giving space and looking up hobbies and the amount of communication has become better - he calls and texts me a little more, and I've backed off contacting first.

So now there are a couple more problems arising... to do with communication again. I'm finding that lately within the past two months... the conversation is flat. A couple of people said it's because all I have is work and family and I don't have anything interesting to say... but you can talk about anything in the world ... when I have conversations with anyone else it never goes flat, we have a laugh and banter and it flows OK. The problem is we have so many silences it's unreal especially on the phone, it's not as bad in person but still happens... I keep the conversation going by asking him questions about his hobbies and stuff to show I'm interested which I am... but he just Is very vague, even when I tell him something interesting about my day he just says 'oh cool', and doesn't ask anything further even when I try to probe... I asked him if he found me boring and he said no he just wasn't used to one on one conversations with people. It just amazes me because with everyone else he is this complete social butterfly who can just talk to anyone, but with me he looks down and goes silent and seems distant. Yet I ask if he wants to be with me and loves me and he says yes. Also, I feel that he just doesn't 'get me' like other people in my life or who I come across... I would describe myself as bubbly, down to earth and has a sense of humour (with a secret low self esteem and social anxiety) but he just doesn't find me funny... I find him at times funny... but when I crack a joke or tell a funny story he just looks at me, or says ok... and then that's it. So now I lose my confidence every time I think of something funny because he just won't react. The only time he will respond and have a full blown conversation with me is if it's about our relationship... and then it turns into an argument. When I try to talk about fun stuff like about on our nights out or something funny on TV... I rarely get anything out of him.

Second problem is that basically his number 1 dream is to move to the US, even though he lived in the same town all his life, whereas I would just like to stay here in the UK even if it means moving up north to where he lives as I would like to explore different places in this country but the US is such a big step for me as I'm so close to my mum and we only have each other. Whereas he has a bigger family. But the US dream might not even happen for one thing he would need a job out there, and he hasn't even completed his apprenticeship yet to take on that permanent job. I respect the fact that he is ambitious and I have no doubt that he will become successful but we're worrying about something that may not even happen, and it is affecting the relationship. I want to stay in London for the time being as there are so many job opportunities here and I'm doing well career wise at the moment. And I know things can change so I just don't understand why he is worrying about this now. He's even sought advice and people have told him to live his dream and leave me... even though it may not happen.

Sorry for the essay haha- I'm just baffled and confused, and feel like we're growing apart but it just happened so suddenly (like about 2 or 3 months ago - before that all was fine). But I just want to think of ways this can be fixed and we can come to some sort of compromise before I give up on this... we've done so well to be committed and to travel and see each other this often for this long. So I just need to know whether this is both of our problem and how I can resolve this

Thanks in advance!!

[zhanna185]

Hi, I am going through something similar, where the communication is all fine until this year really. I think it is very good that you are trying to build a bigger social life like I am currently trying to do and keep yourself busy. Yes let him lead the conversations and dont always be the one messaging him. Remember he needs to miss you and if you keep messaging him he wont have time to miss you which can help a lot in an LDR relationship. I know it is is hard tho as I have slipped a few times myself.

If the conversation has gone flat and the only thing he really will properly communicate with is the relationship make sure there is no stresses in hes life or anything he is thinking off. Sometimes that can have an impact on what he says. If there is nothing it could just be he is having a down moment and nothing is really interesting him, the topics not you. Don't always be the one to keep the conversations going, if your on the phone let it go silent, maybe read a book or type or write while you wait he will speak one way or the other. If hes next words are I have to go then let him. But dont be like okay love you just say Okay Bye that way he will know hes doing something wrong and hopefully will want to fix it but give him time.

Don't lose your confidence he may just be thinking hard about this relationship and wants to say something but dsnt know how to ? he may say everything is okay and fine but if you feel that something is wrong then you need to trust your heart and prepare for whatever he is gonna say if it is not better by a week or two message him a we need to talk for me that usually kick starts a conversation and most things come out. My girlfriend didn't speak to me at all yesterday and its been 24 hrs since our last message but I cant message her back she needs to message me or I wil just always seem available. You need to do the same.

In regards to the moving point, same problem, But that move is way way in the future and isn't something you should be both worrying about i think you need him to realise your not comfortable moving to the US and maybe decide somewhere else to move ? if that possible? and i dont mean somewhere in the UK. but again you dont know whats gonna happen between now and a year or two down the line he may decide the UK is better for him. He hasn't finished hes apprenticeship so hes still got a long way to go before anything happens. If your still worried speak to him about it and say look i know you want to move to US but that is something we need to discuss in the future. Unless you are planning to move in together and get married there isn't much you can discuss.

Just keep your head up and remember you are important in this relationship too and everything shouldn't be a 1 way street x

[Lulusinger]

Hi Zhanna - thanks for your help!

I think you're right I would like to see how it goes if I'm not around and to see if he misses me... I guess it's becoming too much for him. It's ridiculous to play games but I really need to play it cool.
And I will let him take the lead as well as it is becoming frustrating now... but he was the one that actually complained about the silences in the first place so I'm just so confused.
But you're right I need to leave him alone... and It has been working.

He obviously still cares for me as he contacts me back and things like that. But I'm just extremely lonely so the problem lays with me in this sense. I need to get busy.

I have suggested moving to Europe but he refuses as they don't speak English and that the US and Australia will be a better option... It's true we don't have to worry now but he won't budge. It's just very frustrating, we've both been on relationship forums and everyone is saying we should split and that he doesn't love me anymore, and he's made up his mind about his dream.. so what to do?

I'll keep my head up though, and I hope everything works out for you and your girlfriend, any advise needed I'm here to help x

[Julia]

While talking is generally the only thing that we can do online with our partner, at some point we drain out all the conversational topics and as a result awkward silences start to kick in, or the conversations become more and more predictable and boring.

Now, even though this is a very common issue, it can be easily solved if taking some time to spice things up. In my view...

Boredom Is A Choice... and Only Boring People Get Bored!

So how can we make conversations more fun and interesting?

Expand the topics. You ask him what he did today, and he tells you for example that he did many things. And then you take them one by one and comment on them and ask him expanding questions about each one.

Make him curious. Curiosity makes conversations more intense, therefore you want to speak in a way that gets him eager to find out more and begs you for it. You can tell him a story and then change the subject in the middle of the story; or refuse to answer one of him questions unless he fulfills one of your requests etc.

Make conversations more interactive. Do stuff while talking on Skype, high-five him virtually when he tells you something cool, show him something interesting, play a game, ask him to do something for you right now etc.

Teach him something. I bet you know a lot of cool stuff, why not teach him something that you're passionate about? Share with him interesting stuff that you learned that day, tell him about your expertise in a specific area etc. This will make for a fun and also useful conversation.

Another way to do that is to let him teach you something that he's passionate about. This way you'll not just have an amazing conversation but you'll also create a great connection between each other.

Use questions for couples. Search the internet for "questions for couples" and you'll find hundreds of interesting questions to ask each other and make conversations more fun. The beauty of using questions for couples is that you start with one question and you end up talking for hours about a lot of different topics.

Be humorous. Making a guy laugh is the best aphrodisiac. So be funny by telling him funny stories, jokes, make fun of yourself (careful with this), make funny comments about people/stuff etc.

[Dennis]

Dirty talking on the phone can be a wonderful way to maintain long distance relationships. It can also be a simple and thrilling thing for any one at all to try.

Dirty talking on the phone works well for different groups of people for different reasons:

o Couples separated by distance may have no other outlet for sex.

o People who are shy to talk dirty face to face might find this a less stressful alternative.

o It may be an impulse thing, when you use it to flirt, tease or use it as a part of foreplay.

o Phone sex is a safe alternative when it comes to relationships with strangers.

o Dirty talking on the phone is a way of taking a virtual relationship on the web to a more personal level.

o The phone can be a conduit for furthering any kind of relationship, whether recent or years old.

Women, You Have The Upper Hand!

Women have cause to rejoice when it comes to dirty talking on the phone. For some reason, though hardly timid when it comes to sex, men find this harder to do than women and are only too glad to be led. Dirty talking can become a woman's forte. He is just waiting for you to get the ball rolling.

Tips On Dirty Phone Talking:

o Telling your partner "I want to dirty talk now" may be the wrong move. It may cause them to feel embarrassed or freeze up. You may wind up with a "You go first"; "No, you first" situation.

o When you call, begin a slow, relaxed, normal conversation. Ask them about their day; tell them about yours... Then start slipping into some sexy talk gradually.

o Tell him you missed him. Then start detailing just how and why you missed him.

o Tell him what you want him to do to you when he gets home.

o Ask him what he would like to do to you or like you to do for him in turn.

o Be flexible. Stay open to change and let the conversation lead its own way.

You do not have to stick to any fixed script

o If you do not like four letter words, just use your normal language to describe your fantasy as erotically as you can.

o If you do like expletives, use them in moderation rather than make them the main text of your conversation. The point is to be seductive.

o Be careful not to use derogatory terms of endearment if your partner finds them offensive. Some people may actually enjoy it. On the other hand, others may find it down right humiliating and resent you for it. This is something you need to find out before hand.

Be Aware Of Your Safety!

When you are dirty talking, be aware of one crucial thing - safety! Like any other sexual activity, it is very self involving and mind consuming.

You do not want you or your partner to crash while driving; be over heard by the boss while at work; or even wander off into traffic or into some dark and dangerous alley because you are not looking where you are going. Make sure all parties are safe before you start.

Now You're ready, Just Start!

Whether you do it out of the compulsion of a long distance relationship, or just for the fun of it, dirty talking on the phone can give your relationship a brand new fillip. You just have to try it!

[john123]

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[Zinok]

Sorry to hear what you`re going through, but it sounds like you two are moving apart and want different things out of the relationship.
I think you`d truly be happier in the long run if you cut things off, continued to focus on yourself and developing your own hobbies and friendships, and ultimately find someone local who wants the same things in life as you do, and who appreciates you for you.