Life is chaos.... Help

[LostAtSea]

So I have a long and complicated past. Long story short, a man I love more than anything chose to end his life almost two years ago. We were supposed to get married. We had plans. While, trying to be happy afterwards, I got involved with, let's call him George. George is smart, funny, clever and very attractive. He has always been a motivated person, until recently.

We both ended up in different states for the last couple months. I got a new job and so did he. My job involves weeks with little communication to the outside world. His is high stress and he doesn't like it as much as he thought he would. We have a place we are renting together. I have seen him 5 days since the middle of May.

George has been on a downward spiral and I'm worried about him. With being so far apart several months of the year, he has been ridiculously jealous and it has gotten to the point where if I mention anything about the guys at work (they are flirty and many of them have wanted to hook up, I've said no), it instantly starts an argument no matter how mellow or innocent it is.

Things have been complicated because George fully believes in monogamy, whereas I believe sex is just sex. I have been monogamous with him since we ever started hooking up and then dating.

Our relationship formed out of a hook up. I know how awful that sounds. Our relationship was also born before I was really done grieving the loss of who I believe was my soulmate. (I am currently in a much better place with losing him, but it's something that will never go away).

I saw a future with George and he saved me from myself a few times. He is one of my best friends. I can't deal with envy and lack of trust. He thinks if he doesn't voice his feelings that we'll be fine. He is so terrified of losing me but he is driving me away. I am concerned that our relationship is becoming toxic. I want to work on us but I love my new job and he is committed to his job for at least another 4.5 years. How can we make long distance work or is the relationship too far gone??

[Sofia]

he has been ridiculously jealous and it has gotten to the point where if I mention anything about the guys at work (they are flirty and many of them have wanted to hook up, I've said no), it instantly starts an argument no matter how mellow or innocent it is.

If saying things like this makes him jealous and insecure, then stop saying things related to other guys.

Also, the only way to make a long distance relationship work is regular communication. So, make it a point to always communicate with him no matter how busy you are.

[Sammy]

To begin with, I was there myself. A good friend of mine gave my e-mail address to his wife's best friend. Shortly after that she dropped me a line. So we got to know each other. By e-mail.

The great thing about e-mail communication is, there are no games. At least there shouldn't be. You can present yourself as the person you are. You can truly open up.

So we fell in love just for the persons we were. No masks, no shields. But still 2000 miles apart.

Of course the critical moment was when we first met. Would the picture we had about each other synchronize with the outer picture? If you've been dishonest, then you will fail at this point. Luckily it worked out for us.

Long distance relationships can occur for a number of reasons. Here are some of the common scenarios:

• You've met in a chat room or at an online personal site and realized in the end that you were several states far away from each other.
• You recently graduated college and have moved back to your home town and your boyfriend or girlfriend has continued to stay in the college town.
• At work you've been promoted and sent to a new city for an important program and will be in that location for several months.

Long distance relationships have both, advantages and disadvantages. For some, the distance is a good help to slowly open up to the relationship without the incessant presence of the partner. The romance stays kindled because you aren't around the person 24/7 seeing various habits and routines that can get repetitive.

In terms of disadvantages, it is very frustrating that there is no intimacy, no hugging, no kissing. At least between the meetings. You will experience difficulties in connecting because you don't have eye contact and can't take walks or enjoy dinners out together.

Then again that makes the meetings so much more intense then they would be in a "normal" relationship. It's the quality, not the quantity.

Long distance relationships can work, but there are some rules and guides you have to follow.

Of course, there is also a very important condition without an long distant relationship can not work:

You must have a true interest in each other. I mean a deep emotional connection, whether you've been together before the spacial separation or you've met each other through chat/e-mail. I'm afraid a physical attraction is not enough. That's why most summer vacation affairs fail in the end.

Here are the rules that made my personal long distance relationship work:

1. Have A Relationship Plan For The Future

Know where you are heading. Have a light at the end of the tunnel.

What do you want to accomplish in you partnership? Have goals and a time frame when you want to be together. It is very important that you both have a hope to live for.

I think that this is the most common reason why some long distance relationships don't work: they don't have a plan, they just hope it will turn out right, that a miracle is going to happen. Certainly this also means you have to make sacrifices. At least one of you.

Realize that you most likely only have three options: she moves to him, he moves to her or both move to another place. Start talking about it as soon as you realize that you want to be together. The biggest mistake you can make is to hush it up.

2. Meet Regularly

Try to see each other every month at least once. Plan this ahead and include some activities, like town visits, museums, a weekend in a fancy hotel, etc. Make it a celebration, an explosion, something very special!

Soon this short meetings will be something you long for, something that you will align your life at.

Remember, you only get a real connection by touching, feeling and smelling a person. You don't get scent with email or skype, or that initial wow you feel inside when you see your love.

So do everything you can to meet at least once a month.

3. Use Modern Technologies To Communicate

You need all the help you can get, so why not using the glorious benefits of a modern communication world:

• Get an e-mail account if you do not have one and write at least one e-mail to each other every day
• Use Skype or something similar to talk to each other for free. Believe me, it's awesome watching a movie together while simultaneously talking on Skype
• Use Instant Messaging (I recommend the Yahoo Messenger)
• Use digital photographs and videos of your daily activities and send them via e-mail
• Use a webcam (this I can highly recommend)

Using all this electronic stuff will make it much easier for you both. Imagine how it used to be 100 years ago, when a letter used to take months.

4. Give Yourselves A Free Day

This one-sided communication - I mean with no physical interaction - can sometimes frustrate very intensively. It is possible that this frustration then comes to conflicts between you as an outlet for it. This could lead to misunderstandings that are very difficult to resolve per e-mail. Believe me one thing, you do not want to have a fight over e-mail or phone.

I then found it very helpful to insert a day or two without any communication. What then happens is that you miss each other very intensively and you usually find yourselves at a more higher level than you were before.

If the only way of interaction between you is canceled for a day or two, you will either progress or doubt. In any case you will know where you stand. This is also a good way to test your long distance relationship.

5. Write Extensive And Intimate E-mails

Open yourself up completely. Write about your inner state, what you are feeling, what you dream about, what you hope for. As a rule of guidance: describe in your e-mails your inner state and in your phone-calls your outer state. Writing is more intense than verbal communication and allows you to be more intimate. That will create a tighter bond between you.

The most important thing here is: be honest! Don't pretend you are someone you are not. Don't put yourself in a better light. Long distance relationships only have a chance if both are completely honest and congruent.

6. Send A Written Letter Once In A While

Do not underestimate the marvelous feeling, when you look in your letter box and find a letter from your love, open it and see his/her writing. This is a pleasure we often forget about in this modern times. Not to mention that it's far more romantic.

7. Beware Of Jealousy

Jealousy is a very dangerous thing and can threaten every long distance relationship. Jealousy is commonly a lack of trust and understanding. It very often reveals insecurities and bad experiences in other relationships.

The keyword here is simply: trust. You cannot control and observe your partner, you only can have faith in your relationship and in the things you build together in the times you had. Hold on to that and never give in to that green eyed monster.

Jealousy is one of the most negative and destructive emotions there is! Listen to Shakespeare:

O, beware, my lord, of jealousy It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock The meat it feeds on; that cuckold lives in bliss Who, certain of his fate, loves not his wronger But, O, what damned minutes tells he o'er Who dotes, yet doubts, suspects, yet strongly loves!

8. Avoid Dangerous "Situations"

As mentioned before, trust is essential. If you completely trust your partner and also have faith in your relationship, you can pretty much do what you want without endangering your relation. However, I nevertheless recommend avoiding some specific situations. Of course it depends on the person, but I would not date the opposite sex alone, or go to wild parties. Simply avoid temptations that could distract you from each other.

Better safe than sorry!

9. Never Lose Faith

Watch out, you will meet a lot of skepticism. People will tell you that long distance relationships never work, especially those who have had negative experiences about it. Don't listen to them. People tend to negate things they failed on. Listen to me: it can definitely work, but you both have to believe it.

10. Always Stay Positive

Always assume that your partner loves you and cares about you. Never assume anything negative, whether you read something in his/her e-mails or you disliked how he/she made a weird comment on something. Don't interpret to much in it.

The problem with non-face-to-face communication is the lack of facial expression. It is so easy to misinterpret but unfortunately much harder to trust and stay positive.

I assure you, if something was wrong, you will know it.

As you can see, I'm definitely positive about long distance relationships. They expose ongoing life lessons, and prove that love, loyalty, and faith are the vital ingredients to a lasting relationship.

Have faith, have trust and you both will succeed in the end.