long distance relationship sort of advice

[htowen]

Hi Everyone,

I'll try sum up everything as quick as possible.

I started speaking with a girl about 9 months ago while i was studying abroad, we met on tinder. we both are from the uk. She is 18 and i am 21 and before she went to uni we would always talk loads, and she adored me. I met her in the airport on the way back and we started to get closer, it didn't help that she lived in London and I in the Southwest. She came down and visited me and things started to go well, i wasn't mentally ready for a relationship but i wanted to keep things as they were....eventually i had decided around September time that i did want to be with her but she wasn't sure now.

She began university and things were still close but obviously long distance put a strain on things, i had booked time to go down and see her very soon. She went on a night out about a month ago and kissed someone, she then said it was a blip, she then a week later went on another night out and made out with someone and cuddled them, which obviously hurt to hear that, she then had arranged a date with this guy.

At this point, she had told me she had felt I was selfish and that i didn't know her properly and wasn't always there for her etc, and that i was too anxious a lot of the time for her to have to deal with. She said she would give it a week to see how we are with each other and see if i could improve, obviously my mental health started to play up as i constantly was just fixated on being better and making sure i was making progress by asking her constantly etc. I had a panic attack at work last Friday due to this and had to go home and had a conversation with her and we couldn't decide on what to do, eventually she said she didnt feel the same way as i do.

Sunday just gone we spoke again and i pleaded with her to give me one more chance to show her that i wouldn't have anymore blips, she told me to believe in herself and i did, i had no blips monday or tuesday! She flirted with me and was cute saying things like is there room for one more in your bed...talking about me visting and teasing me...all things that made me feel as if she wanted to get closer to me and was enjoying it. Come wednesday she had gone out the previous night, she was a bit off. I made a joke wednesday morning about how feels like you are testing me but i said it in a jokey way, she then exploded at me saying the truth is she doesn't want to see me anytime soon....


We spoke on the phone via video and she first told me due to not wanting to hurt me she didnt want to date me, she also said she doesn't feel mentally ready and that it wasn't me at all and that she could tell i was trying. She then told me i was cute when angry and shit and it just confused me more, she said that she knows im speaking logic but wont accept it .

She told me she needs space to focus on herself and that currently it was too late to salvage things and I just didn't want to accept it...which is true I will admit. She told me its possible she may come back to me in the future but right now she doesnt feel the same way, she was getting upset and apologizing and i just wanted to hug her and the distance kills me.

She told me she would always be here for me and that it isnt goodbye and she said she may talk to me next week, i may give it a month for my own sanity but im struggling. I sent her one message in the evening on Wednesday as i had calmed down. I essentially said i hope she takes as long as she needs to focus on herself and to be mentally happy with herself and that i understand where things currently stand and understand we dont know about the future in any regard and can only approach that when ready, i told her i would be here when she feels ready to talk.

I keep seeing her come online and all that and i just can't get her out my head, one minute shes being cute and flirty and then being cold and not interested, I feel empty, betrayed and have no idea how to cope with this. People have told me to block her but i dont want to have to, i want her to come back to me and even if its only just as a friend. I really dont know what to do and i could do with some advice everything reminds me of her and i can't get rid of it.

I apologise for it being so long

[Ashley]

Your relationship could not sustain the physical distances which separated you. With time the emotional bonding that once brought you closer has broken. You have to understand that for a long distance relationship to work, communication is the key. To get your ex back, take a lesson from the past and follow these helpful tips.

Identify the problem
You are in delicate emotional state after the break up and miss your ex a lot. But in order to get your ex back, first you should find out what went wrong, maybe there were long gaps in communication that made your ex grow apart.

Control the urge to call
Calling your ex, when you are highly emotional and in pain, will not work. In your hurt and anger you may end up saying all the wrong things making it worse, and may loose any chance of getting your ex back.

Give your ex and yourself some breathing time
Give your ex and yourself some time to think it over. Let your ex also get time to sort out his/her feelings and you can use this time to become a stronger person to deal with the situation. With time the negative feelings will subside and your ex may realize the importance of the relationship.

Don't be alone in dealing with your pain
Go out with your friends for movies or outings to divert your mind. They might give you some positive talk which will help you. Look after your appearance; you should look good as this makes you feel good and positive too.

Restart the communication
Send your ex mails or messages to let them know what is happening in your life. Gradually, you can let them know that you still care and will always be there despite the distances separating them.

Surprise them
Arrange to send small surprise gifts to your ex which reminds them of old times. Send birthday message, if it is their birthday, to let them know that you are thinking about them. This will make them see you in new light and they will warm up to you.

Remain determined to make things work
You can step up and attempt to call at this stage and have verbal communication. Hearing each other after a time can rekindle the old feelings. Be friendly and make the phone talk interesting. Over the time your ex may express desire to see you when they are in town next. That is the time you can surprise your ex with the new look and hopefully see him/her getting attracted to you once again.

[Sammy]

Coping with a breakup is something that can really take a lot out of you emotionally. Many people aren't able to deal with how their relationships have all of a sudden come to an end.

If you are having a hard time coping with the breakup... the following 3 things will help you.

#1 Allow yourself to Grieve

After going through a break up with the person you've been very close to it's natural to have feelings of sadness, hurt, confusion, anger, or frustration. It's not only natural but in a way it can also be positive to experience these feelings. The good news is you're alive, and now you have the opportunity to acknowledge how this break up has made you feel.

Talk about it with close friends and family, and listen as they share their similar experiences with you. After awhile you'll begin to feel as though you're going through an emotional cleanse. This is your new beginning. Embrace it and prepare to move on.

#2 Let The Relationship Go

At some point you need have closure and accept the fact that the relationship is over. Although you may have been madly in love, those feeling are now beginning to become a part of your history. Accept the idea that you are now available. Looking back will only remind you of the sadness you're trying to get over.

Falling in love or close intimate relationships can come with great risk. There's not a way to guaranty that anyone will find true love. There's no guaranty that another love wont hurt again. The one thing you can be sure of is that you will always learn something from it. Moving on after a break up can be a very interesting time in your life.

#3 Love Yourself And Enjoy A Wonderful Treat.

Now is the time to really indulge in all the things you've always enjoyed. Think of all the pleasures in life you weren't able to take part of because of being in the relationship.

Begin to enjoy the art of flirtation. Maybe there is that special someone you've had in the back of your mind you'd like to date now. Don't rush into anything serious though as you enjoy socializing with other people who are interested in you.

You may have certain fantasies that have crossed your mind that you can now entertain. Celebrate those opportunities you now have to your disposal.

These social exchanges will help you to feel as though you now have a second chance at enjoying the freedom you've been without for sometime.

Speaking of having a second chance...

Did you know that the majority of relationships that come to an end have a very strong chance of getting back together. As you are now dealing with how to cope with a break up, you could very well be on your way back to being in your lovers arms again. Getting your lover back could very well happen to you if you only knew exactly what to do and say to your ex.

[smackie9]

You both are in uni...there is a smorgasbord of people to hang out and make out with...being so young, there is no need to be tied down with someone during the best years of your life. You shouldn't concern yourself with commitment. Enjoy your freedom, as so is she...especially at her being 18 with guys pawing at her....wouldn't you take the opportunity if girls were pawing at you for attention? oh hell ya. ....Stay single.