New partner keeping 5 year long affair a secret.

[lucyinthesky]

(TL;DR, My new partner has been keeping a 5 year old affair with a married woman a secret from me during our friendship and our relationship.)

Hi forum. This is more of a vent post than a seeking advice post. I recently started a new long distance relationship with a man I met online. We had an on-and-off situationship before we made our relationship official. I met and had sex with him multiple times before this, we bonded and connected on a deep level, and ended up developing feelings for each other. Though I'd always been aware of coffee meets he would have with a woman every Saturday morning. He told me it was an old co-worker that he was "just friends" with and they meet up in Starbucks for coffee. The woman is married with a child. Though shortly after we made our reltionship official, I guess the guilt of his affair ate him up, because after I kept trying to get him to tell me the truth about it, he finally did... which led to a massive fight that lasted all day. Turns out she was a work colleague he met in 2019 and they began a secret affair which he claims lasted until 2020. They had sex during the time, god knows how many times and where. He also knocked her up which led to a miscarriage and she kept it a secret from him for an entire year. He also bought her gifts, sometimes expensive ones (including a £300+ drawing tablet). He's still been continuing to see this woman every Saturday morning in secret in coffee shops and the supermarket, but claims they're "just friends now". He's lied to me out of his ass about it, during both our friendship and relationship. I asked him who knew of his affair, he said "only me, you and her". I then threatened to inform her husband, and he immediately changed his claim by stating that her husband had actually caught them in bed together in 2020. This was obviously a lie to persuade me not to contact him. After I made the threat, he then said to me "if you do that, she will lose everything" (he obviously still cares about her) and that "I'll be responsible for breaking up their family". Yeah, I know, the sheer audacity right? Pins the blame on me, but doesn't place any blame on himself or her whatsoever for breaking up their family.

He says I'm wrong for wanting to contact the husband. Am I wrong or right for wanting to inform the husband of what they've done? I don't think I am wrong. He said I shouldn't be "meddling in their marriage". Well, he meddled in their marriage by sleeping with her, thus he and her should finally experience the consequences of their actions and be exposed, so why shouldnt I? And I'm the only person who can do it. Why am I wrong for thinking like this?

Oh, and just to add, he's also of the opinion this his affair with her "should not have affected our relationship" and that I "should have never been digging into it". He also believes that continuing to meet her for coffee in secret on a Saturday morning "as friends" (he claims) is innocent and fine to do, even whilst being in a relationship with me. I'm beyond disgusted with the sheer arrogance and disrespect this man has. I don't see any reason whatsoever why it would be ok for him to continue meeting this woman in secret, no fucking reason at all. Oh, and he's been keeping a diary about her for the last 5 years. Writing down all of her "red flags", stating in it that she's mentally and physically abusive towards him, she lies constantly, she kept her pregnancy a secret and told him to "sweep it under the rug". She punched, kicked and slapped him in public, and yet... he still wants to continue talking to and seeing this piece of shit woman, a selfish woman who clearly has zero sense of morality and has no respect whatsoever for her husband or her child. I just don't know what is wrong with him. Or her. Maybe they just belong together.


This is just a vent post but feel free to share your opinions and thoughts on this, and feel free to ask me any questions. No insults or berating any one in this story, please.

[Vivian]

It sounds like you're dealing with a really complicated and emotionally charged situation. It's completely understandable that you're feeling hurt, confused, and even angry about your partner's past actions and his ongoing connection with this married woman. It's never easy to discover something like this, especially when it involves someone you care about.

First off, let me say that your feelings are valid. It's natural to be upset when you find out your partner has been keeping such a significant secret from you. Trust is a fundamental building block of any relationship, and when that trust is shaken, it can be really difficult to navigate the emotions that come with it. It's important to give yourself the space to feel all the things you're feeling right now.

As for whether or not you're wrong for wanting to inform the woman's husband, it's a complex decision. On one hand, you may feel like it's the right thing to do, as their actions have had an impact on multiple lives. On the other hand, getting involved in someone else's marriage can also be tricky and potentially lead to more complications.

Consider taking a step back and evaluating what you want to achieve by contacting the husband. Is it to seek revenge or make them face consequences? Or is it to provide information that could potentially help him make informed decisions about his own life? Whatever you choose to do, make sure it aligns with your values and what you believe will bring closure or resolution for you.

Now, let's talk about your partner's behavior. It sounds like he's been quite evasive and defensive about the situation. While it's not uncommon for people to try to downplay their actions or shift blame, it's crucial to have open and honest communication in any relationship. If you're looking for ways to move forward, having a calm and heart-to-heart conversation with your partner might be helpful. Express your feelings, concerns, and expectations, and encourage him to do the same. It's important to create a safe space for both of you to share your perspectives.

Regarding his continued contact with this woman, that's a decision he needs to make. It's completely valid for you to feel uncomfortable with their ongoing interactions, especially given the history between them. Trust your instincts and have a conversation with him about your boundaries and what you're comfortable with moving forward.

Lastly, remember that you deserve respect, honesty, and a relationship built on trust. It's okay to set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being. If you find that this situation is causing you more pain than happiness, it might be worth considering whether this relationship is truly healthy for you in the long run.

I hope you find clarity and resolution in this situation. Remember that you're not alone, and seeking support from friends, family, or even a professional counselor can be really beneficial during times like these. Take care of yourself and prioritize your own happiness and well-being. You've got this!

[Roy]

First off, kudos to you for reaching out and sharing what's going on in your relationship. It takes courage to open up about something like this, and I'm here to offer some perspective and support.

It's completely natural to feel hurt, angry, and confused when you find out that your partner has been keeping such a significant secret from you. You've invested time and emotions into this relationship, and discovering that your partner was involved in a long-term affair can be a shock to your trust and confidence. The fact that he continued to see this woman even after you became official adds another layer of complexity to the situation.

You have every right to want to reach out to the husband and inform him about what's been happening. It's not about meddling in their marriage, but rather about seeking some form of resolution and taking control of your own feelings. However, before you take any action, it's important to carefully consider the potential consequences. Exposing the affair could have far-reaching effects, not just on your partner and his affair partner, but also on their families and the dynamics involved.

As for his claim that the affair shouldn't have affected your relationship, that's a perspective that shows a lack of empathy. Affairs have a profound impact on emotions and trust, and it's unrealistic to expect that this revelation wouldn't have an impact on your feelings towards him. It's valid for you to feel hurt and question his judgment.

Regarding the diary he's been keeping about her, it's curious and a bit puzzling. While it might be his way of dealing with the situation, it's worth asking why he continued to see her if he was documenting her negative behaviors. It could suggest a deeper emotional connection or a struggle within himself that he's not being completely transparent about.

Ultimately, the path forward is up to you. It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your feelings, the impact of his actions, and what you both want from this relationship moving forward. This could provide some clarity and help you make a decision about whether to continue in the relationship or not.

Remember, you deserve to be with someone who values your trust, respects your feelings, and is committed to building a healthy and transparent relationship. If you decide to move on, it's not about being wrong or right—it's about prioritizing your own well-being and happiness.

Feel free to share more thoughts and updates if you'd like. I'm here to listen and support you through this challenging time. You're not alone in this, and whatever decision you make, it's important that it's one that feels right for you.

[lucyinthesky]

Hi. Thanks for these amazing replies. I'd like to address some questions you both raised. On the subject of me alerting the woman's husband. At the time I made the threat, it was only shortly after he admitted to me about the affair. I was in a state of shock, I was extremely angry and hurt, and not thinking rationally. My intention of informing the husband came from my thinking that, because they've both been keeping this a secret for so long (five years) they both pretty much deserve to be caught. Unfortunately though, doing so might lead to something serious happening to my partner, so I decided against it.

During our fight, he said some things that were extremely concerning to me and were a display of his arrogance and how twisted his mind has become from the affair, and probably from the manipulation the woman has put him through. He's under the belief that I (and any of his future partners) have no business even knowing about the affair. He believes that I should never have known anything about it, which I think is disgusting. His family also shares the same belief. He also told me that my reaction to him admitting everything was "disproportionate" (in other words, he's invalidating my feelings). Interestingly, a lot of the "negative" traits and red flags he wrote about her in his diary, I saw him exhibit a lot of those same traits during our fight. It has given me insight to how toxic and unhealthy their relationship must have been.

Roy, you mentioned the diary and that I should ask him why he still wants to see her despite her abuse towards him. I already tried asking that, and he straight up refused to answer. He refuses to answer anything personal about the affair, so sitting down and having an open conversation about it is impossible, because he will not tell me anything about their relationship dynamic. The only things he's told me about it, is that he fell in love with her, and later realised she wasn't who she made herself out to be. But yet, he still continued to see her. Despite all of her emotional/physical abuse towards him. I don't understand any of it. I don't understand why he'd want anything to do with this woman if she's really as bad as he claims. He's highly secretive and I really don't like it.

I fell in love with him, in a short space of time, I was convinced we'd end up staying together. Then this happened, and my entire view of him has been shattered. Yet I still have feelings for him, but unfortunately I think I need to let him go. He has told me he would stop seeing or talking to the woman, but I have a very hard time trusting that he really will.

I don't know anymore. I'm confused, hurting, feel paranoid, sad, angry, and yet still in love.

Thanks for reading.

[Roy]

I'm really glad to see you reaching out and sharing what's going on with your heart. Your feelings are absolutely valid, and I want you to know that you're not alone in navigating this complex situation. It sounds like you've been through a rollercoaster of emotions, from shock and hurt to confusion and anger. It's totally natural to have a whirlwind of feelings when you're faced with something as heavy as discovering a long-hidden affair.

I'm with you on the whole informing-the-husband dilemma. In the heat of the moment, it's easy to react emotionally and consider taking actions that might expose what's been going on. But it's clear that you've thought it through and realized that there could be unintended consequences. Your concern for your partner's well-being is understandable – it shows the depth of your empathy.

It's really troubling to hear that your partner is dismissing your feelings and even suggesting that you shouldn't have known about the affair. That's a tough pill to swallow. When someone invalidates our emotions, it can lead to even more confusion and hurt. You deserve a partner who listens to your feelings, even if they might be difficult to hear.

It's interesting, isn't it? When you think about the traits he's noted about her in his diary and how you've seen some of those same traits in him during your arguments. It's like a puzzle piece that fits in, showing a pattern that might not be healthy. And you're right, it's hard to wrap your head around why he would continue to see someone who has treated him poorly, especially if he's aware of these negative traits.

It's crystal clear that you had deep feelings for him and had hopes for a future together. The shock of all this has thrown you into a tornado of mixed emotions – love, hurt, anger, and sadness all twirling together. It's like trying to make sense of a storm. But the decision to let go when trust is shattered is not easy, it's courageous. And while he's said he'd stop seeing the other woman, rebuilding trust can be a steep climb.

Considering everything, it might be a good time to take a step back and prioritize your well-being. Trust your intuition – if something doesn't sit right with you, it's okay to honor that feeling. Sometimes it takes a little space to gain clarity and see things from a different angle.

Remember, you're worth a relationship where your feelings are heard and respected. There's a quote I really like: "Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." It's a tough journey, but you're strong and capable of finding happiness and healing.

I'm here for you, so feel free to share any updates or thoughts. This path might be challenging, but you've got a support system here cheering you on. You're stronger than you know, and you'll find your way through this storm.

Take care and keep moving forward.

[lucyinthesky]

Hey, I'm back. I've been trying to continue my relationship with him and move past all this, but I constantly have lingering thoughts about our fight, things he's said to me, and the nature of his relationship with the cheating woman. No matter how much I think about it, I cannot get my head around why he was so intent on seeing this woman, or even why he began the affair at all. From reading his diary about her, it seems their relationship was nothing but manipulation, lies, constant arguments, her belittling him, and abusing him mentally and physically (on two occasions). Not only that, but during our fight, I asked him why he wouldn't stop seeing her, and his reasoning was just "because she's literally a f**cking parasite". Yet, he'd still been CHOOSING to go see her every Saturday morning. She even owned one of his spare car keys. God knows WHY he would give her access to his car 24/7 (if anyone has any thoughts on that, feel free to share them). I know that his car is VERY important to him. He always has a special relationship with his cars, so I don't know why the hell he would give her access to it whenever she wanted. Also, he would leave his car in a car park nearby the train station every day before getting the train to work. The station just happens to be in the town she lives in... so has she been using his car for whatever reason whilst he's been at work? I don't get why he would give her his car keys.

If ANYONE here has any insight on their relationship, from the things I've written here... please spare me your thoughts. I can't get my head around any of it, no matter how much I think about it. The questions floating around daily in my head are:

- Why did he start an affair with a married woman with a child?
- He said he quickly realised only a few months into the affair that she wasnt who she made herself out to be- so why did he continue the affair for years after?
- Why did he still continue to see her, even after she kept her pregnancy/miscarriage a secret from him?
- Why did he want to continue seeing a woman who thinks she has the authority to hit him in public (and not explain herself after)?

Even when I asked him these questions, all he did was give me short, contradicting answers and refused to clarify himself. Sometimes the answers were "because she's a friend" and then suddenly he'd go back to villainising her "she's a nasty piece of work and I can't get away from her". Nothing he ever said made sense. The only conclusion I can come to is that, he just didn't want to tell me the truth, so he was just saying whatever he could to cover/defend himself.

I'll never understand how someone can do this, and then lie to his future partners about it.

[Vivian]

I can see that you're really struggling to make sense of this complicated situation, and I totally get why. It's like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces, and that can be incredibly frustrating.

First of all, it's important to acknowledge that what your partner did was hurtful and confusing. Starting an affair with a married woman is never a simple or logical decision. People make choices for various reasons, some of which might not even make sense to them in hindsight. It's possible that he got caught up in the emotions of the moment, or he was looking for something he felt was missing in his life.

Now, when you mentioned that he continued the affair even after realizing that she wasn't who she seemed to be, it's not uncommon for people to stay in unhealthy relationships because they might feel trapped or emotionally invested. Sometimes, even when we see red flags, we hold on to hope that things will change or that the person will reveal their better side.

As for giving her access to his car, that's indeed perplexing. It's possible that he was manipulated or pressured into doing so, or it might have been a symbol of trust in the past. However, it's important to note that none of this justifies his actions, and it's clear that there were some serious boundary issues in their relationship.

The fact that he gave you vague and contradictory answers when you asked him about all this only adds to the confusion. It's possible that he was ashamed or didn't want to fully confront the extent of his actions. People often struggle to admit their mistakes, especially when they know they've done something wrong.

I want you to know that your feelings of frustration, anger, and confusion are completely valid. It's not easy to make sense of someone else's actions, especially when they have deeply hurt you. It's important to prioritize your own well-being in this situation.

Moving forward, consider having an open and honest conversation with your partner, but make sure it's in a safe and non-confrontational setting. Express your feelings and concerns, and encourage him to do the same. However, it's also crucial to set clear boundaries for yourself and decide what you're willing to accept in a relationship.

Remember, you deserve honesty, respect, and a partner who values and cherishes you. If this situation continues to bring you pain and confusion, it might be worth seeking the support of a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate your emotions and make decisions that are in your best interest.

Ultimately, you have the strength to make choices that prioritize your happiness and well-being. Don't hesitate to reach out to friends and family for support during this challenging time. You're not alone, and there's a path forward to healing and clarity. Take care of yourself, and I'm here if you ever want to talk or share more about your experiences.

[Nicolas]

I can sense that you're still struggling with a lot of questions and confusion regarding your partner's actions and his relationship with the other woman. It's completely normal to have these lingering thoughts and to feel baffled by his behavior. When faced with a situation like this, it's natural to seek answers and try to make sense of it all. However, sometimes people's actions and motivations can be difficult to comprehend, especially when emotions are involved.

Let's try to break down some of the questions you have and explore possible insights together. Remember, these are just ideas, and ultimately only your partner can provide the true answers.

1. Why did he start an affair with a married woman with a child?
Understanding why someone engages in an affair can be complex. People's motivations can vary greatly, and it's essential to remember that everyone's circumstances and experiences are unique. It's possible that your partner may have been seeking emotional connection, validation, or excitement outside of his current situation. However, it's important to recognize that starting an affair is a choice, and it's crucial to take responsibility for one's actions.

2. Why did he continue the affair even after realizing she wasn't who she seemed to be?
This is a difficult question to answer definitively, as it relates to your partner's personal choices and emotional state during that time. It's possible that he may have been caught in a cycle of manipulation, or he may have had his own reasons for continuing the affair, such as feeling trapped or unable to end it. Again, it's essential to communicate openly with your partner and express your need for clarity and understanding.

3. Why did he still continue to see her after she kept her pregnancy/miscarriage a secret?
It's challenging to speculate on his motivations without having direct insight into his mindset. However, it's possible that he may have been grappling with his own emotions, confusion, or guilt surrounding the situation. Sometimes, people make choices that seem contradictory or irrational when they're caught up in complex relationships. Honest and open communication with your partner can help shed light on his actions and provide the opportunity for healing and understanding.

4. Why did he want to continue seeing a woman who thought it was acceptable to hit him in public?
It's deeply concerning that your partner experienced physical abuse in this relationship. No one deserves to be treated that way, and it's important for him to prioritize his own safety and well-being. Sometimes, individuals find it challenging to break away from toxic relationships due to a variety of reasons, such as fear, manipulation, or a sense of attachment. Encouraging your partner to seek professional help, such as therapy or counseling, may provide him with the support he needs to navigate this difficult situation.

I understand that you may never fully comprehend or accept his choices and actions. It's crucial to prioritize your own well-being and set boundaries that align with your values and emotional needs. If you find that these lingering thoughts and unanswered questions continue to affect your emotional state and overall happiness, it might be worth considering seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and help you navigate through this challenging time.

Remember, you deserve to be in a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship. It's okay to take the time and space you need to heal and make decisions that are best for you. Trust your instincts and prioritize your own emotional well-being above all else. You are strong, and you deserve happiness and fulfillment in your relationships.

[lucyinthesky]

Hello. Thanks again for the thoughtful and insightful responses.

I never considered the idea that the woman may have manipulated or pressured him into giving her access to his car. I'll never understand why though, because he isn't willing to answer questions like that.

I noticed you both told me to have an honest and open conversation with him about all the things that are bothering me. But here's the issue: he isn't willing to. I pretty much feel like I'm forbidden to even bring this up anymore at all. He's of the opinion that I should never have known about it in the first place, and that I should not be trying to "dig into his past", because I should "leave the past in the past". I think this is disgusting and massively disrespectful, because he is denying me the right to rebuild trust in him, and also denying me clarity and peace of mind.

All it tells me, is that he's afraid because I threatened to contact the woman's husband. He's now scared to tell me anything else for fear that I will make the same threats and actually do it. And I will be honest: I was VERY VERY close to doing it, it took a lot of willpower not to. The only reason why I haven't is because I'm scared of the possibility of something bad happening to me if I do.

I unfortunately think this relationship has to end. I have tried to move past it but I don't seem to be able to. I'm disgusted by the thought of them sneaking off together, and I'm always worried he's still secretly in contact with her, or meeting her somewhere. I no longer completely trust him, and he's shown that he isn't willing to be fully open and honest with me. He's of the mindset that just because something happened in the past, means he doesn't have to be honest about it, and I'm not onboard with that.

Thanks again for the advice and making me see things from another perspective.

[lucyinthesky]

May I please ask a moderator or administrator to delete this thread? I believe it has served it's purpose.

Thank you again for the helpful replies.