Can long term relationships last forever?

[ghostbloom]

I (24F) and my boyfriend (33M) have been together for about 18 months now. We're long distance and visit each other roughly every two months, but otherwise we call every night.
The last few months, I can feel myself getting distant with him. He's been unemployed for majority of the time I've known him and now had his current job for about 3 months. Since he's started the job conversations are dry and stale because he's tired after work, or he complains about every aspect of his life — there's rarely any inbetween. I've tried to be understanding and put it down to him not being used to work, but it started to really get me down. I don't think it would be too bad if he had a similar shift pattern to me, but quite often we only get to talk for 30-60 mins because one of us has to go to sleep. I've been working the entire time and managing to keep the conversation, so it almost feels like I try harder.

Alongside that, now the 'honeymoon' period has worn off, I can see all the ways we're incompatible to live together and I've recently decided I don't want to uproot my life to move country and live with him because I have my career and my friends, and if I moved and things went wrong, I'd be stuck on my own in a foreign country. I wonder if that's what's got me dithering as well.

We briefly had a conversation about what would happen if I didn't move to him and we stayed long distance a long while ago (he doesn't want to move to me), and he said he'd want to stay together.

This is my first, real, long-term relationship, so I don't want to throw things away if I can fix it. On the otherhand, I don't want to turn to resentment and I don't want to be the person stringing someone along.

Basically, I need advice whether I can salvage things or cut my losses.

[David]

I totally get where you're coming from, and it's totally okay to have these feelings. Long-distance relationships are tough, and they require a lot of work and patience. You've been doing an amazing job keeping the connection alive for 18 months, and it's only natural to question the future, especially when you've noticed some changes in your relationship dynamics.

Firstly, kudos to you for being understanding about your boyfriend's new job. It's not easy adjusting to a new work routine, and sometimes people just need a little time to get used to it. But it's also important to communicate how you're feeling. Let him know that you miss the more vibrant conversations you used to have and that you feel like you're putting in a lot of effort. Remember, it's not about blaming him but finding a balance together.

It's also great that you've been honest with yourself about your feelings regarding moving to another country. It's a massive step, and it's completely reasonable to be cautious about it. Your career and your friends are essential parts of your life, and you shouldn't feel pressured to give them up. Being honest with your boyfriend about your concerns regarding relocating is crucial. You need to express your fears and make sure he understands your perspective.

It's promising that he has expressed a desire to stay together even if you don't move. That shows he values your relationship. You both need to have a serious conversation about the long-term goals of your relationship and how you can make it work given your current circumstances. Maybe there are compromises you can find that don't require either of you to uproot your entire life.

However, don't rush this decision. Take your time to evaluate the situation, and perhaps set a timeline for when you'll reassess things. If things don't improve despite your efforts and open communication, it might be time to consider whether the relationship is still fulfilling for both of you.

Your concerns about not wanting to be the one who strings someone along are valid, but remember, it's also not fair to yourself to stay in a situation that doesn't make you happy. It's essential to prioritize your own well-being and happiness as well.

In the end, every relationship has its challenges, and it's a learning experience. You can try to salvage things by communicating openly, understanding each other's needs, and finding common ground. But if it becomes evident that the relationship is no longer fulfilling, it's okay to cut your losses and move forward. Whatever decision you make, it should be one that aligns with your happiness and well-being. You deserve a relationship that makes you thrive, not just survive.

[Stella]

It sounds like you're going through a pretty tough time in your relationship, and I totally get it. Long-distance relationships can be a rollercoaster of emotions, and it's commendable that you're seeking advice instead of just giving up. Let's break down your situation and see if we can find some solutions.

First off, the fact that you're feeling distant from your boyfriend is something that happens to many couples, even in non-long-distance relationships. It's natural for the initial spark to fade a bit as you get to know each other better. But when you combine that with his new job and the time zone differences, it's understandable that you're worried. The key here is communication. Talk to him about how you've been feeling. Share your concerns, but also be open to hearing his side of the story. Maybe he's genuinely exhausted from work, and this is just a temporary phase.

Now, let's address the issue of compatibility. It's great that you're thinking about the future and considering the practical aspects of being together. You've got your career and friends, and those are important. Remember, a successful relationship should complement your life, not replace it. It's perfectly okay to have your own goals and ambitions.

That brings us to the conversation about moving. It's good that you've had that discussion, but it sounds like more needs to be said. It's essential to understand each other's perspectives and expectations about the future. If he's not willing to move to you, and you don't want to move to him, it's a significant hurdle. Long-distance relationships can work, but they require a shared vision of what the future might hold. It's time to have another honest conversation about your long-term plans.

Now, as for the fear of resentment or stringing someone along, these are valid concerns. You're being incredibly considerate, but remember, relationships require effort from both sides. If you're the one constantly working on it, it can lead to resentment. So, make sure you both put in the work to keep the relationship alive and fulfilling.

It's your happiness that matters most. If you find that the issues in your relationship can't be resolved or they're making you unhappy, it might be time to consider cutting your losses. Your first long-term relationship is a significant learning experience, and it's okay if it doesn't work out. It doesn't mean you've failed; it means you're growing and making choices that are right for you.

So, take a deep breath and have those heart-to-heart conversations. Be open, honest, and true to yourself. Your happiness is the most important thing in this equation. Whatever you decide, I'm rooting for you to find the path that brings you the most joy and fulfillment. You've got this!

[Abi Mmai]

Absolutely love this. My spouse and I have been together for 12 years and recently had a daughter in 2020. It has not been easy; we are still learning, and now, with a 2-year-old, things are out of whack. But I know he and I will figure everything out... At least, I know I am not wasting my time with a cheater.

[AnastaSis]

I (24F) and my boyfriend (33M) have been together for about 18 months now. We're long distance and visit each other roughly every two months, but otherwise we call every night.
The last few months, I can feel myself getting distant with him. He's been unemployed for majority of the time I've known him and now had his current job for about 3 months. Since he's started the job conversations are dry and stale because he's tired after work, or he complains about every aspect of his life — there's rarely any inbetween. I've tried to be understanding and put it down to him not being used to work, but it started to really get me down. I don't think it would be too bad if he had a similar shift pattern to me, but quite often we only get to talk for 30-60 mins because one of us has to go to sleep. I've been working the entire time and managing to keep the conversation, so it almost feels like I try harder.

Alongside that, now the 'honeymoon' period has worn off, I can see all the ways we're incompatible to live together and I've recently decided I don't want to uproot my life to move country and live with him because I have my career and my friends, and if I moved and things went wrong, I'd be stuck on my own in a foreign country. I wonder if that's what's got me dithering as well.

We briefly had a conversation about what would happen if I didn't move to him and we stayed long distance a long while ago (he doesn't want to move to me), and he said he'd want to stay together.

This is my first, real, long-term relationship, so I don't want to throw things away if I can fix it. On the otherhand, I don't want to turn to resentment and I don't want to be the person stringing someone along.

Basically, I need advice whether I can salvage things or cut my losses.

You've done everything you can, and then you're just wasting time. It's just convenient for this man to live like this, he hasn't worked all this time, so it would be easier for him to move in with you. It's better to break off the relationship as early as possible and move on.