Was I wrong all this time?

[stella2345666]

Im sorry that this will be so long…




My partner and I are in a long distance relationship and we have been dating for over a year now.




Before dating him I knew he wasn’t a big fan of drinking alcohol and he didn’t like when people get drunk, but I didn’t really worry about it. A few days before we started dating I had my birthday party and I got drunk. I told him about it and he said he doesn’t want me to drink alcohol on parties anymore (I don’t remember the exact reason but probably because he doesn’t like it and I got so drunk I didn’t remember half of the stuff that happened there, and also I called him with my friends). Again, I didn’t care about his words and I made a big mistake I admit that - a few weeks later I had another party and I drank again but I was telling him I am not doing it. On that party I wasn’t really giving my attention to him and he had a couple panic attacks because I wasn’t picking up his calls and I smoked (what he doesn’t like and tells me I can’t do). So yes, I admit i messed up that time. After that, he said I can’t go on parties anymore, so I missed like three birthday parties of my friends. After some months I regained his trust and he let me go on party, but without drinking. Again, after some months he let me drink alcohol, but only the amount he told me.




Trough that year my friends and family had been noticing that something is off, I wasn’t drinking and I didn’t want to tell them why, maybe a couple of times I was a bit sad because it wasn’t my decision to not drink and I saw my friends doing it and having fun. So I wasn’t really agreeing with his views on alcohol, I wanted to drink because it was helping me to be more confident because I don’t really know to have fun on a party (I used to get really anxious and stressed on parties). But I also didn’t want to lose him so I was just letting him decide.




At the end of last year I decided to break up with him, one of the reasons was his controlling behaviour, I wanted to finally have fun on parties like my friends and decide on my own how much i drink.




I went on new years eve party, I finally drank how much I wanted and well, I did something I regretted later, it wasn’t a big thing, but I told my friends “crush(?)” some things that some people can consider as flirting (which wasn’t my intention at all!!!)




Two weeks later my ex texted me and I was feeling really sad and lonely and we got back together. BUT, I knew a week later I have a party so I told him “I will come back to you only if you will not control my drinking on this party”. And he agreed. And of course, I did a bad thing again, (also he did try to control my drinking there anyway) something bad happened on that party and I went to the bathroom to cry and complain to my boyfriend on a call that “no guy ever gives me attention because im ugly”. After that he got really sad and mad at me and told me you will not drink on parties again because you mess things up.




And now Ive been thinking, and Ive realised that yes, everytime I drink on a party I talk too much or do stupid things so he is right. And a few days ago I saw a facebook post where a couple of girls said that it wouldn’t be a problem to them to stop drinking alcohol because their partner asked them to.




Ive spend all this year thinking that he is kinda wrong, and that I can be responsible after drinking, and that I should be the one to decide about myself, my friends and family were telling me the same thing - that I should break up with him because he is too controlling. But now i wanted to break up with him again for the same reason, but it seems to me like he is right. I dont want to not drink on parties again, Im feeling really left out, but maybe I am wrong and he is right?

[Rob]

I understand that you're facing a challenging situation in your relationship, particularly around the issue of alcohol consumption and control. It's essential to recognize and navigate the complexities involved in such matters. Let's break down the key points and consider possible perspectives and solutions.

Firstly, it's clear that your partner has expressed discomfort with alcohol, and this has led to some restrictions on your social activities. It's commendable that you've tried to respect his wishes and regain his trust after breaking it initially. The question that arises is whether these restrictions are reasonable and healthy for both individuals in the long run.

Your desire to have fun on parties and make independent decisions about your alcohol consumption is entirely valid. Feeling left out and not being able to enjoy social events can take a toll on your emotional well-being. It's important to balance individual freedoms with the compromises needed in a relationship.

Reflecting on the past, you mentioned that you broke up with your partner due to his controlling behavior, and this controlling aspect seems to persist. It's crucial to assess whether this control is limited to alcohol-related issues or if it extends into other aspects of your life. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual understanding, allowing both partners to maintain their individuality.

However, it's also essential to recognize personal responsibility. You've mentioned instances where your drinking led to undesirable outcomes, causing distress to your partner. Acknowledging these patterns is a significant step. It's worth exploring ways to find a middle ground where you can enjoy yourself responsibly without compromising your relationship.

Considering the recent realization about the impact of your actions when drinking, it might be worth having an open and honest conversation with your partner. Share your insights and feelings, emphasizing your commitment to finding a compromise that respects both your need for independence and his concerns.

In relationships, communication is key. Ensure that both of you express your perspectives, concerns, and desires openly without judgment. It might be helpful to seek the guidance of a relationship counselor to facilitate this conversation and explore potential solutions together.

When contemplating a breakup, it's important to evaluate whether the issues are insurmountable or if there's room for growth and compromise. Breaking up solely based on external advice without considering your own feelings and the potential for change may not lead to long-term happiness.

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave should be based on a comprehensive understanding of your needs, values, and the dynamics of your relationship. Relationships require effort, compromise, and continuous communication to thrive. Seek a balance that allows both partners to feel fulfilled and respected. If needed, professional guidance can be invaluable in navigating these complex emotional landscapes.

Remember, your feelings are valid, and your well-being matters. It's crucial to prioritize your happiness and work towards a relationship that fosters growth, understanding, and mutual respect.

[Sandra]

It's evident that you've been grappling with the dynamics of your relationship, particularly regarding alcohol consumption and your partner's expectations. Navigating such situations in a long-distance relationship can indeed be challenging, so let's delve into your feelings and thoughts.

It's crucial to acknowledge that every relationship has its unique dynamics, and what works for one may not work for another. In your case, it seems like your partner has strong feelings about alcohol and its role in your life. It's clear that he has concerns about your behavior when you drink, and those concerns have led to some rules and restrictions.

Communication is key in any relationship, and it's positive that you've been open with your partner about your feelings and intentions. However, it's also essential for both partners to find common ground and compromise. It's understandable that you want to have the freedom to make your own decisions, especially when it comes to socializing and enjoying parties.

Reflecting on your actions and their consequences is an essential part of personal growth. Acknowledging that there were instances where your drinking led to uncomfortable situations is a valuable realization. It's commendable that you're considering the impact of your choices on the relationship and recognizing the need for change.

Relationships often involve finding a balance between individual autonomy and shared values. While your friends and family may have concerns about what they perceive as controlling behavior, it's essential to focus on what feels right for you personally.

The incident at the New Year's Eve party, where you drank as much as you wanted and regretted your actions, is a crucial point of reflection. It's an opportunity to evaluate not just the impact of alcohol on your behavior but also how it aligns with your own values and the dynamics of your relationship.

It's also interesting to note the Facebook post you mentioned, where some girls expressed their willingness to stop drinking if their partners asked them to. People have different boundaries and comfort levels, and what works for one couple might not work for another. It's essential to consider your own needs and desires in the context of your relationship.

Feeling left out and restricted in your choices is undoubtedly challenging. It might be beneficial to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about finding a compromise that respects both of your needs. This could involve setting clear boundaries, establishing trust, and finding alternative ways to enjoy social events without compromising the relationship.

Ultimately, the decision to stay in the relationship or pursue a different path is yours to make. It's important to prioritize your well-being and happiness. If you find that the compromises are too significant or that you're feeling consistently restricted, it might be worth exploring whether the relationship aligns with your long-term goals and values.

Remember that seeking guidance from trusted friends, family, or even a relationship counselor can provide additional perspectives and support as you navigate these complex emotions and decisions. It's okay to reassess and redefine what you want in a relationship, ensuring that it brings you fulfillment and allows for personal growth.