long distance lover disappears

[sue]

greetings all

I am a woman early 50s from SA. and I'm told I'm youthful and spirited and I am wise.

wise I was not here:......

in March 2102 I met a seemingly great German man in my first week on an international dating site. 7'years my junior. love at first sight stuff, I made him wait 6 months before arriving

he gave up his job 2 months after he met me, and then was coming to meet for real and live on SA.

after a wonderful 3-months of him being in SA, he left just before Christmas of 2012. with the intention of returning in a few weeks, of course which he never did. he kept lovely sms contact and then it wasn't 3-weeks back in Germany, he would make all sorts of excuses and then no contact for weeks

I then received a random email to say he is on his way to the Caribbean for a yoga conference.
something, made me look on an affiliate date site, and there he was in Jamaica, for some months.

I let him know I knew, as I sent a mssg to him on the site.

there was silence from him for months and all of a sudden he wants to fly back to SA.

so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and he flew in that 2013 October to SA extended his visa and stayed for 5 months. my attorney had our antenuptial contact drawn up, planned to get married but there was not enough time between his visa and an immigration interview.

I did have a current copy of his single certificate then from Germany.

so he flew back to Germany again. 6 Feb 2014, in the months that he had been here with me in SA. the mother of his son of 9 now and the Grandmother, relocated from Sofia to his home city in Germany. so the boy can go to a german school and be close to family.

he was, supposed to return to SA asap, and then I got stories that he has no money, and now his son started school. then again, he fell off the edge of the earth....I heard nothing he went dead for many months.

around January 2015 he suddenly reappeared and leant on me heavily on whatsapp.mssg, with.his severe depression.

he ended in a rehab clinic for depression for 6'weeks, and then after leaning on me for support,; again went silent and no if any contact.

he suddenly reappeared last year 2016 around Easter, easing his way in with messages. and keeping,a lot of" I love you and I missed you and I have learnt so much from the clinic. gratitude and appreciation, general pictures and chat.

I moved to a super new home last year and he wanted me to fly him back for our forever life...to be together, and now he's realised and he's serious and made a big mistake.

he has no money!!!! as he works the German system to his gain.

he has not worked in 5 years.

he was supposed to come in July but only came in now last October.

always arriving Sept October and leaving February each time.

and so fool for love as I had been. I booked his ticket and he arrived again in SA end October 2016. another wonderful 3 months and an early honeymoon holiday in Lesotho. on our exit from Lesotho at the border he only got 7 days extension on his visa.

so in those few days we tried to get married, but he had to exit the country in a week.

he had no money, I paid for his ticket home so he could go to the German job centre and sort payments out. as well get his current single status certificate, and possibly fly back to sa with his parents for our marriage on his return.

he left on the 9 Feb. I got I love you more than ever, missing you lots, for 3 weeks on whatsapp mssg . then he told me that the German job centre want him to get a mini 3 month job. or he must pay back Jan and Feb money to them.

he then sent me his single certificate, a new one. he is single.

and then went on to say that he has decided to go to the clinic for 3 weeks, via his doctor. to avoid working.

well it's 3 weeks now, and I have not heard a word. he as before, simply does not respond to my messages, of which I only sent 3. to have some kind of closure.

well he reads my messages and does not respond.

I am battling to understand the same patterns.
only this time he was pushing for the marriage so that he could stay.

he told me a month ago to go ahead with rings.

I to date have had no intimation of if when he his parents and or just him are coming.

this his trip was exclusively paid by me, and everything within that 3 month's, as he had no money.

can someone help me to understand if he's a con artist, narcissistic, sociopath, or what the hang is that for a ride bad behaviour.

this is a long bizarre story, I never believed I would go through this again for the 3rd time.

each time he leaves he leaves half to more of his clothing. this is the 3 rd time he's left things and drops contact.

he has always been genuine and caring although showed signs this last visit of sulking and moodiness, drinking wine at midday sleeping and doing meditations a lot.

he was lazy and impractical and had a problem with all my friends, had something wrong with them in his opinion, thus alienating me.

and very demanding of me and my time.

I know he's leaving.....and disappearing.... I will soon see......is a huge relief.

financially as well he drained me

once bitten
twice shy
three times a fool

[Nate]

Hi there!

Your write-up was a very long one, took me a lot of time to read through it.

Well, I really feel you pain, I know what you are going though at the moment. But trust me a lot of people experience similar issue.

I would suggest you forget about this man and move on. He isn't the right person for you.

First he doesn't work, so he basically keeps coming back to you to enrich himself. He simply disappeared now because he has gotten the money he wants from you, and will reappear again when he is broke and has no money.

financially as well he drained me

You see, he is simply there for the money.

[sue]

thank you for that Nate, yes and my apologies for the long one. and thank you for reading it. however it has been 5 years of repeated pain, and I needed to give the full picture for comment from people that have had a similar experiences.
it's bizarre to say the least. I have made the decision to release all emotional ties with him. and taking the necessary steps to move forward with my life for me.
have a great day

[Michael]

he was lazy and impractical and had a problem with all my friends, had something wrong with them in his opinion, thus alienating me.

He alienated you from your friend for his own self gain. He is a scam and he knows if your friends are around you, they will expose him to you.

Be wise! Stay away from him.

[sue]

thank you for that Michael, yes I know started to see the bigger picture.....I had an on off for 5 years.....yes he for sure a confidence trickster or giggolo....both and this is the end of the road here for him

[John]

Rejection and betrayal are all too common themes in the dating scene. But what do many men and women do when someone breaks up with them? They obsess, beg, pester, hang onto painful feelings of loss or hang onto hope of getting him back, but mostly they blame the other person for whatever.

But what if I told you, you attracted and created that reality? Yes, you sought out that man/woman from zillions knowing full-well how it will end! Sounds really wacko, huh?

Let's say you're a woman, who on the outside appears confident and fulfilled - a woman who truly has it all. You meet this guy who seems to have the quite strength and cool demeanor you dig so much. The relationship starts so beautifully, then one day, he "forgets" to call when he said he'd call. You panic and go into a tailspin of anxiety. And when you finally get him on the phone he says in his cool confidence "I don't really feel like talking tonight". That sends your anxiety level off on top of the roof. Now you are thinking, may be he's lost interest in me, may be he found someone else, may be he wants to leave me. You get so anxious that you think you'll go crazy - and you may even start acting crazy.

He, on the other hand is acting cool and unruffled. What once looked like quite strength and cool demeanor now feels cold, aloof, distant and uncaring. This makes you angry enough to say things that belittle him, then turn around and apologize and beg, then you try to "talk sense into him" and plead and so forth. But what you feared will happen does actually happen, he leaves you!

But here is the interesting thing: this is not the first time it's happened to you.. You've been here before, so many times actually - different circumstances and different people but the same old tired story.

There is a reason why you fall in love with people who are unavailable or incapable of making a commitment, why you are hopelessly infatuated with someone who can't love you back the way you deserve, why you end up with irresponsible and unreliable people who drive you crazy.

The people we chose to bond with are not a random choice but a true mirror of our sub-conscious state at any given time in our lives. When you feel lonely, rejected, unaccepted, unappreciated or insecure because you feel not good enough you'll tend to seek a partner who reflects that back to you.

While what you want more than anything is to be loved and accepted, a part of you (which has experienced this before) doesn't really believe that you will get what you want. This translates into an actual feeling of desperation which invokes the emotion of fear. The fear motivates your behaviour.

This behaviour may be avoiding rejections all together, starting a relationship and getting our quickly before you are rejected, or getting into one and acting in ways that drive the other person away. Sometimes you don't even have to act it out, the vibration (FEAR) you send out (which is more powerful than any words or actions) is received by the other person at a sub conscious level. It only takes a small thing (real or imagined) to trigger your fear and start the behaviour. In the example above the trigger was "him not calling". In your panic to cling and stop the rejection and abandonment you actually create what you fear will happen.

Until you work though your fear of rejection and abandonment you will continue to attract people who reject and abandon you over and over. You will continue to be drawn to men and women who are not attracted to you, those who are incapable of love or commitment or who have no time for you. You will also be drawn to people who live in another town or country (long-distance relationships), people who are married or seriously involved with someone else.

So next time the relationship ends the same way, don't act surprised, hurt and betrayed. You committed yourself to an unsustainable liaison knowing full-well how it will end!

[sue]

thanks a mill John I sent you a mssg