What If You Mess Up...Even Once? Are You Really Finished?

[Barry]

One question I have is about how this woman I was in a relationship with was shocked about how I was so calm about everything.

When this girl and I were together, she was like, "How are you so calm?" Like when my car broke down, or when she thought she was pregnant and she wasn't, but I remained calm and kept my composure and she couldn't believe it.

Even when we were apart for long parts at a time, and I couldn't see her, I still kept my cool and was very calm.

She kinda made me feel guilty because she said she felt that I didn't show any emotion, and like I wasn't human.

Should I have let that worry me?

But the fact was that I eventually broke down and lost my composure because we had been going almost 2 months without seeing each other after we had been seeing each other once a month for about 4 months straight.

Would you be able to keep your composure in this situation?

I'm hard on myself because I felt I should have, but doesn't that happen to us all?

[Rob]

Taken in context, the concept of "never losing one's composure" is ultra-important when approaching a woman for the first time and certainly on first dates.

But rest assured, I think it's unreasonable to hold yourself to an iron standard of never making mistakes...ever.

Certainly there is no mistaking the value of consistently demonstrating the decidedly masculine traits of having things handled, being emotionally strong and secure, and--of course-- being unshakable as often as possible, especially early on.

But here's the curious part. After the initial evaluation process between you two has resolved itself, it can actually be a good thing for you to make a mistake or two along the way as far as all of this is concerned.

Now we're not talking about major meltdowns, temper tantrums or axe murders here.

Those will be instant deal-breakers in the minds of the vast majority of great women every time, and rightly so.

But what if you get cut off in traffic? Drop something heavy on your foot? Maybe even have to deal with an unexpected face-to-face meeting with her ex-stalker...errr...boyfriend?

Here's the deal. The question in a woman's mind is, "What's real?" whenever she meets a new guy. Everyone is on his or her best behavior up front.

But what's really under the hood? A woman wants to know from the second you are introduced to her whether or not you really are a MAN.

From that moment onward for a period of, say two weeks to two months depending on how much time you spend together, she's paying careful attention.

If you've played your cards right, you've presented yourself as the confident, masculine man who can literally ignite her femininity.

But is that who you really are? Women have seen men fold under pressure right and left before their very eyes. What she's looking for is a comfort level that you are who you've appeared to be.

For the majority of women (or at least the emotionally healthy ones I've interacted with), at the very point when she is convinced you truly are the "real deal", the die is cast.

It's like a point of magical acceptance.

The tests tend to ease up.

Your leadership is welcomed more warmly, sometimes in very dramatic fashion--maybe in the form of complete, willing sexual surrender.

Attraction isn't so easily lost.

And, importantly, the wildest of transformations occurs within your relationship at that point.

From there, a misstep here and there when it comes to one's composure kind of actually gives the woman some relief...she finds out right then and there that you are human.

This actually takes an immense amount of pressure off of her to be "Ms. Perfect".

Why is this important? Well, yeah, you may have been perfectly okay with an occasional faux pas or emotional overreaction on her part...so wouldn't such a mindset on her part be overreaction?

Perhaps.

But remember, your leadership matters.

To presume that you, as a man, must maintain a surrealistically unblemished attitude for all time is not only unreasonable, it'll seriously fry the circuits of any woman who tries to attempt a relationship with you.

It would be too much for anyone to live up to...even YOU, big guy.

And the best news is that once you've gone ahead and "broken the ice", your relationship may actually get stronger.

As for whether I would have kept my composure in your situation, who can know for sure?

By the time Emily and I had known each other for about a month, I had effectively maintained my masculine composure pretty well. And similarly, she had been the stunning vision of femininity all the while.

But I'll tell you, in our real world scenario there came along one day where my work day didn't go so well.

I went to her house to pick her up, very ready to go have a cold one at our favorite place.

But Emily proceeded to take exceptionally long to get ready.

Although she had asked me how the first outfit she tried on looked, and I had answered honestly that it looked great, she proceeded to continue changing clothes until I was nearly sure she had gone through her entire closet.

It was then that my impatience got the best of me.

Nothing catastrophic happened to speak of, but a firm request to put the first outfit back on and leave the house with me ASAP would have been sufficient.

Still, I had that all-too-familiar twinge that I had really screwed up. I had been "found out" and the jig was up. And it bugged me for hours, even though Emily appeared to have graciously let the matter go.

Finally, later that night I admitted to her that I would like to have handled that earlier situation more effectively.

Her response was unforgettable: "Well it was about time you let your guard down. I feel now like I can make a mistake or two along the way and it won't be a big deal. There has been a lot of pressure to keep up with you, you know."

It's 100% true: If you really are a man, once your typical pattern of behavior is recognized as authentic by a woman, you can show some human imperfection here and there--and it's a welcome twist on things.

That said, as always you know I have to challenge you by shining a light on the other side of the equation. And here it is: Unfortunately, this dynamic works exactly the same way when the
opposite is true.

Here's what I mean.

Contrast what we've talked about above with a guy who happens to get a "routine" or "opener" right, and attracts the woman initially.

The harsh reality is that if he's actually a total wimp, he is going to be exposed as less-than-suave sooner than later. Once she finds that out, the rest is a matter of course. He's toast.

Again, it's all about where the consistency is.

Are you a man whose core is masculine and confident, despite the occasional human error here and there?

Or are you "faking it until you make it", attempting to cover up with pre-fabricated techniques?

Believe me when I tell you that most women would much rather you "make it until you fake it", for what it's worth, as described above.

And when it comes right down to it, isn't that a lot less pressure on you anyway? Deserve what you want...and rest easy.