destructive love

[pearlie]

Hey,
I have a problem I would otherwise discuss with my therapist but since my therapist is on vacation...

I have a huge problem with men.
I always fall for the terribly wrong ones without knowing of course, I just go on a dating website for example and scroll right past all the good ones EVEN the good-looking ones since I always fall for a certain vibe in a guy and it's always the ones that turn out to be horrible.

My first love emotionally abused me and left me entirely broken down, the man I dated after him was good to me but suffered from depression which he the longer we were together put on me more and more and it would be my fault if he felt lonley and terrible although he knew I had my own struggles too and still always did my best to help him although he was in denial so often and when I left him I was a terrible person who didn't care about him he said. With that said that was still the best breakup i've had since it lacked threats and revelations of the guy having cheated and not realizing what's wrong with that.
Now i've met this guy who resembles my first love in a lot of ways which of course is a terrible thing.

My plan is to let go of this new toxic guy i've managed to fall for (which is far from easy for me) as I do realize I have to change my ways, if not for me then for the ones close to me who has to see me hurting myself all the time this way... I'm not looking for a relationship currently but I have decided to try to "re-wire" myself by seeing and texting with some "normal" men and by normal I mean the ones who wish me well,who actually CAN commit and who don't have any serious problems that they will put on my shoulders and i'll of course do this without giving anyone any false expectations.
I know good men exist, i'm talking to a few right now and know a few since before but I feel nothing... and that scares me because i'm afraid the only men I can truly fall for are bad ones for some reason but I need to find a way to change that.

I feel very stupid and sad right now though because I know I only started dating this new guy because he is so much like my first love and of course my heart reacted to that but in my mind I know he's bad news, I see all the warning signs (typical player etc.) yet I did this to myself again and went ahead and started going out with him although I knew I was gonna fall in love anyway. Meanwhile there are good men out there who have tried to get my attention but I end up ignoring them.

I do not understand why my heart will not stop being at war with my mind because in my mind I do know right from wrong.

I just want to feel as overwhelmingly in love again as I was with my first love but I want to be loved back the same way next time that happens... but it feels so hopeless. Like that kind of love does not exist because in my mind two people loving each other equally is not something that exists anymore. I want to believe in love like I used to do once.

[Rob]

There is nothing worse than getting your heart broken again and again and again. If you want to break the pattern of attracting and falling for the wrong guy all the time, here are four steps to break these vicious cycles ...

Step 1: Ask yourself this question, "Are you attracted to emotionally unavailable men?"

The truth is that some men are just emotionally unavailable. They don't want to settle down and fall in love with one woman. Life for them is a constant search for challenges and overcoming them. Their refusal to settle down is attractive for many women. Don't we all want to be the last woman that ends it all?

Step 2: If the answer is yes ...

You need to make a mental note that these unavailable men can't give you what you want. You also need to understand that by falling for them, you are denying yourself the exact thing you search for - long lasting love.

Step 3: Look deep inside of yourself and try to find other qualities in a man that you are attracted to.

Are you attracted to a man who has a great sense of humor? How about one who is loyal and caring? Once you figure out other qualities you are attracted to, make an effort to find men who have these qualities and who are also emotionally available.

Step 4: Refuse, refuse, and refuse ...

You need to refuse every temptation when you meet another man who is not emotionally available. Old habits die hard. However, if you start making an effort now, you can eventually break the cycle of having your heart broken and embark on a journey of finding true, long lasting love.

[Olivia]

Ever wonder how you can meet your Mr. Right, your soul mate, while avoiding the heartache of dating the wrong men.

Mr. Right has been eluding single women for centuries, It's not because he's hiding. Usually women miss meeting their soul mate because they get distracted by the wrong men.

That sounds simple enough. However your search for a soul mate can actually be extremely difficult because Mr. Right may not have the appearance of the man of your dreams. He may not have the charming, smooth personality you're usually attracted to.

In fact your soul mate may be an average guy. The same as the guy in your office, you neighbor or the guy you bump into every morning at Starbucks. That's what throws many single women off, after all they have some idea in their heads of what they want in a soul mate.

Unfortunately what many single women think they want in a man, is often some version of a man who's wrong for them.

If what you want in a soul mate is based solely on how he looks or some other superficial characteristic, you may be heading for trouble. If your only measuring stick is a comparison to your exes, then you need to start rethinking your dealbreaker list.

This means you need to start thinking about what you really want in a soul mate and a relationship. That's why in order to meet your Mr. Right you need to start eliminating the wrong men from your dating life.

Here are 6 of the most common types of men who distract women from finding right man.

Mr. Perfect

He can be imaginary or a real person. Most single women have had a fantasy of a perfect man in their head at some point in their lives. An idealized version of what you think your soul mate should be.

The problem with Mr. Perfect is, he has no flaws. When you search for a perfect man, you usually wind up alone. You'll pass over any number of men who might be your soul mate because none of them can measure up to his imaginary perfection.

Mr. Wrong

Mr. Wrong is someone that's not right for us. That guy that's "not your type." Many single women have a very good idea of what they do and don't want in a man. In this case you have a man that doesn't meet your requirements for a soul mate.

The problem with Mr. Wrong is, sometimes he's actually Mr. Right. If your dealbreaker list is longer than your arm, it's likely you're excluding some men who could be your soul mate. Just narrowing down the amount of items on your dealbreaker list can open up a world of possibilities when it comes to meeting Mr. Right.

Mr. Right Now

We've all met men that were just fun to be with. Those exciting dynamic personalities that attract people to them like bees to honey. Many single women fall for Mr. Right Now and get swept up in the thrill of the moment.

Unfortunately that moment doesn't last. Many relationships with Mr. Right Now fizzle out after you get to know each other. He may be your soul mate, but you'll never know if you move too fast into a relationship. Take your time and get to know your dates before you get excited about the possibilities.

Mr. Right For Now

If you've ever been set up on a date with someone who was "perfect for you.: You know the pressure people can put on your to be with someone. That pressure can lead you to date someone who may not be exactly what you're looking for, but you're only dating him "for now."

First of all, this isn't really fair for him, and you're not being fair to yourself. You're both wasting your time, if you don't feel he's the man you want to be with. Don't date someone just to please other people. Before you start dating someone look at your dealbreaker list. If he passes that test, give him a chance. If it doesn't work start looking elsewhere.

Mr. Right But

Have you ever dated someone who seemed like a great guy, but you weren't sure he was what you really wanted. After all some of your friends may have said you could do better. And, while he measured up to the dealbreaker list, there are some things you wish you could change.

You know, there is a good case for settling. Not settling for just any man. If you settled for any man you'd usually end up with the wrong one. However there's no reason you should not settle for a man that's otherwise perfect for you that has a few flaws. After all, don't you have some imperfections. You don't want to break up with a man only to come to the conclusion that he was your soul mate.

Finding your soul mate is not as simple as it seems. As you can see wrong man can easily be the right man in disguise and vice versa. That's why you need to make sure you know what you want in a relationship so that when you find it, you'll be able to recognize it.

[David]

I do not understand why my heart will not stop being at war with my mind because in my mind I do know right from wrong.

It's good to know that you know the good men but will always prefer the bad ones.

This is simply because you are the one who loves them and they don't love you.

Now, the truth is that a woman shouldn't be the one to love a man, a man is suppose to be the one to loves the woman.

So, go for the good men even if you aren't attracted to them, and with time you will be attracted to them because of the goodness they show you.

Remember, true love grows with time.

[Olivia]

I am aware I can be very superficial... and that I especielly tend to push away any men who are more similar to myself in personality. Maybe I shouldn't.

Yes, you shouldn't. You will get a good man if you change this about yourself