Feeling guilty

[idreamofsunshine]

Hi there. I thank you in advance for reading my post.

About a month ago I was dumped by my bf of two months. It was a very short lived relationship, but kind of intense. I'll elaborate.

We met through a mutual friend and instantly clicked, went out a few times, had a blast and decided to make it official. From the very start I noticed he was bad about making promises and sticking to them. He was kind of flakey and unreliable, I called him out on it a few times, he said he understood. He also warned me he'd be super busy in the next few months if I wanted to put our relationship on hold. I didn't want to and said we should try. So we did. He is a very busy guy, my friend works with him so I know this. From the second we agreed to start dating, he went all out (in a way). His texts were romantic and poetic, he wanted to make it social network official immediately, he told me he loved me (in another language), we started talking kids and marriage within weeks. All this time I barely saw him, one time he almost didn't show up, one time he just ignored my message even though he had told me we would meet up. Every time I would try to convey I was hurt about this, he would call me insecure and dramatic and how we must trust each other. This is the time I tell you I am a very anxious person and the last thing I need to hear is I am being dramatic. I didn't tell him this though.

In the second month of our relationship he comes clean - he has depression, and some other things too. I get a short introduction to what might hinder our communication, but he tells me to continue discussing this with his best friend (a man whom at this stage I hadn't even met). I also wonder, if you knew there was a condition that would hinder you from seeing me and make you do all these illogical things, why would you shift the blame onto me calling my reaction unreasonable when I think it was perfectly legitimate. I didn't like that. I told him I would listen to him and be there for him, he told me he would have bad days when he doesn't really want to talk to anyone - fair enough. But he never called me, I barely saw him and our text convos were constantly cut short by him (he would say good morning my love, then I would try to start a conversation and he would either be busy or sick or he would just stop replying). And this happened on both good and bad days. I had nothing to hold onto but a bunch of his promises and he had disappointed me so many times in the past that I simply didn't trust him anymore. Also, he would still modify or cancel some of our meetings (specifically those that were on my terms, when I wanted him to come over to my place) and had some really hard to believe excuses for them (I am not saying he lied, but I can't say that he didn't either). He did take me to his office party and was super sweet (again, this was on his terms, it wasn't a date I had planned). Also, the two times I did manage to talk him into coming over to my place - it was so beautiful. We cuddled, kissed, ate, watched TV, he was calm and happy.

We were supposed to get together for New Year's and I knew he would cancel, I just knew. And he did, through a text, a couple of days earlier, being sort of vague but apologised. I lost it(via a text), my anxiety took over, I accused him of lying, called him a coward and an idiot and how this time I wanted him to feel like sh**. (as he had accused me in the past of being the only one to make him feel guilty). We had a long phone talk after that where he accused me of verbal abuse and said he couldn't get over how I lashed out on him. He also told me I had false advertised myself and told him I was a very confident girl (never happened) and how he doesn't need to play any roles as he is comfortable in his own skin (as opposed to me I suppose). This coming from a man who asked me what I saw in him.

I feel so guilty for losing it on a person with depression, I know I should have handled it differently, perhaps ended it in a very calm way. But I wanted to love him and take care of him. And now I feel like the worst person ever. Any advice on how to handle the guilt? Thank you.

[Becky]

How I Got My Boyfriend To Listen To Me (And Stop Confiding In His Female Friend So Much)

Calmly, I kept quiet and listened. Then I said to him "Tell me more." Then I kept quiet again. And listened some more. And took notes. (In case I hadn't listened carefully enough.)


Then I thanked him for his help and told him I would think about it. I praised him for coming up with such a good suggestion. And I thanked him for listening to me.

What just happened?

I've just demonstrated exactly what I did to approach my boyfriend so that he would listen to me. During that time, I was unhappy about his relationship with another female and it was driving me crazy. But I still managed to remain calm.

How did I do it?

I Did It By Learning How To Understand Men Better.

To be more specific, I learned about

1. How men listen to women...
2. What makes a man NOT want to listen to a woman...
3. What encourages a man to confide in his lover...
4. What makes a man unwilling to confide in a woman he loves...
5. And thus, I discovered that...
   • Men can listen better when you want him to help you solve a problem; Tell him what you want from him BEFORE you start talking; Pick a good timing.
   • A man stops listening when there are too many words; He can't follow unrelated thoughts; He's not sure what to do when you're being too emotional or he feels blamed.
   • The most important thing a man needs, in order to confide in someone, is the feeling of safety.
   • A man won't confide in a woman he loves if he fears her reaction; or she keeps trying to tell him what to do (like his mother).

So, How Is My Understanding Of Men Any Different From Yours?

It's different because most women really don't understand men. They think they do but in fact they are mistaken. And this misconception is what causes most women to still talk to their boyfriend... in the same way as they would treat a close female friend.

I know this because I used to do that too... And I can share with you, that my ignorance didn't make my relationship with my husband any better. It only made things worse...

The more I tried to stop him from talking to his close female friend, the more he thought I was crazy... felt I was insecure... became less willing to talk to me. It was scary. Very scary.

So what did I do? I finally gave up and admitted my ignorance.

Then I Decided To Do Myself A Favor And Put My Energy Into Understanding Men Better.

1. I read books.
2. I attended seminars.
3. I watched videos.
4. I did a lot. But nothing much changed really.

Until I discovered a book that made my heart melt. The more I read it, the more I felt compassionate towards men. And that's when things really started to change.

So What Can You Do To Understand Men Better?

1. You can read books.
2. Talk to people who really understand men.
3. Figure it out for yourself.
4. And much, much more.

But Really, I Encourage You To Keep Doing It Until You Feel Your Heart Begins To Melt.

Because that is a true sign that you've really begun to understand men better. And that's when you'll find it easy to...

1. Calmly keep quiet and listen.
2. Say 'Tell me more'.
3. Keep quiet again. And listen some more.
4. Take some notes (in case you didn't hear him carefully enough).
5. Thank him for his help.
6. Praise him for his suggestions.
7. Thank him for listening to you.

And That Is When You Can Finally Earn His Trust...

So that he will feel understood enough.. Safe enough... And eager to confide almost everything about himself to you.

[Michael]

When he says he's not happy and wants space what he's really telling you is that he's not happy being with you and that he needs some distance from you. It stings when you hear this. In many cases, the woman won't even be expecting to hear anything remotely close to this. In her mind, things were going well and she was completely and totally focused on the future. That's likely exactly what you're feeling too. It's easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for yourself. You need to push that aside though so you can focus on your plan to keep him and rebuild the flailing relationship.

Arguing with him when your boyfriend says he's not happy and needs some time will only serve to make him feel more justified in his decision. Conflict may very well be at the root of the problems you two face. If you try and fight him over his decision to leave you, he'll likely cut off contact for good and then your chances of being with him again will be lost. Instead, you have to find the inner strength to accept that he's unhappy and you have to let him go, at least for the short term.

By giving him the space he desires you're showing him that you're emotionally mature. You're also ensuring he sees that his needs come before your own. What most women don't see when they're in the middle of a situation like this is that their boyfriend believes he knows what his life will be like once the break up has happened. To him there's the promise of fun filled evenings and no conflict once he's single. The reality of that is actually quite different. He'll quickly realize just how much he misses you. If you can take a step back and give him want he wants, he'll soon see that what he actually wants isn't space or time, it's you.

[Drake]

From your story it appears you are dealing with someone whose words can't be trusted. It also appears you are the one investing more into the relationship.

Well, you shouldn't be feeling guilty, you only vent out what you had in mind, and it's good. It's better to vent, than to conceal issues and work with it.

[Roy]

When you lose a loved one who was once very close to you, it can be extremely difficult for you to carry on life as you may find yourself feeling empty and possibly depressed for a long time.

This is a normal part of the grieving process and by facing and embracing these emotions, you will gradually be able to heal and remember that person in a more positive way.

But another common emotion to be struggling with at this point is guilt.

While this is another common emotion, it is not as adaptive and can be unhealthy. Here we will look at where guilt comes from and what you can do about it.

Why sometimes we feel guilty?

When someone dies of natural causes or an accident, it is no one's fault. However, it is very easy to end up blaming yourself.

Perhaps you think if you hadn't called them over, then they never would have been in the road when that lorry came. Maybe you think you could have persuaded them to go to the hospital check-up earlier.

This is one cause of guilt during grief, but it is far from the only one.

Likewise, it is also common to feel guilt over the way you've handled their death.

Perhaps you feel guilty for not "feeling more emotional you thought you would be".

Maybe you feel guilty for not being more supportive enough for your family.

Or maybe you feel guilty years later for moving on with your life.

Sometimes, you can simply feel guilty for being alive when your loved one isn't.

All these things are very normal, but they are not healthy and ultimately, they need to be overcome in order for you to move on with your life.

How to overcome guilt?

Overcoming guilt is about learning to forgive yourself and let things go.

Because ultimately, your loved one would undoubtedly prefer that you were happy and getting on with your life as you should.

This means sitting down and honestly assessing your feelings.

Of course, if events had been different, then your loved one may have died or may not have. You could not have predicted accurately about the future, and you have already acted as you thought was the best at that moment.

Likewise, everyone else is equally culpable for their actions or inactions, and most likely nothing anyone did would have made a difference anyway.

You should not be guilty for being alive or for being happy.

If anything, you should cherish your happiness even more out of respect for those who don't have it. You owe it to your family who are still alive to be the happiest and best version of yourself.

Obviously, it is easy to say these things and less easy to believe them when you suddenly find yourself in such situation. If things get really tough, you should seek help from a cognitive behavioural therapist, psychologist, or other health professions who specialize in traumatic events, and they will be able to help you overcome such challenge and help you adopt better coping strategies.