Letting Him Be "The Man"?

[Jane]

I just wanted to ask a question regarding my previous relationship, we were together 4 years and were really happy until circumstances changed and we were long distance and at different stages in our life.

After breaking up my brother made a comment that I would emasculate my ex when we did activities. I want to check I am acting correctly as I wouldn't want to make similar mistakes in another relationship.

I am not masculine in any way, slim athletic body, 5foot3, 8 stone 5, my ex was 6 foot1, so didn't think it would be that way. I have always been under the impression that a woman who wants to join in activities and sports is attractive. My ex was very sporty, gyming lots (6 pack etc) excellent cricketer, footballer and keen golfer. I enjoy horse riding and the gym. My family and I have always been active and I have 2 brothers that I grew up with doing cycling and hiking etc. When we are together as a family we would still do these activities, and when my ex was with us I would be better than him. My brothers comment addressed this, saying I shouldn't have been better and should have let him be the man, is this true?

[Clay]

Hey Jane,

Woof! What a great question! Let's dive in...

1. This problem is your brother's, not your ex's.

You and your ex are both athletic and enjoy those activities. From your message, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend mentioned this, or had a problem with you being better than him at certain things. This sounds more like a deep seeded envy from your brother always losing to his sister. I recommend you continue to school him

Also, you mentioned that it was long distance and being at different points in your lives that ended the relationship. You being awesome in athletic areas wasn't the reason.

But...

Let's explore the idea that your ex expressed this to your brother, or your brother noticed something you didn't about the relationship.


Should You Let the Man Win?

Nope.

Winning is fun but it's not fun when you realize that your partner threw the game/activity. There is no joy in knowing that someone held back, just so you could beat them. Well, it might feel great for about 30 seconds, but when reality sets in, it's worthless.

You are both athletic and I am guessing part of your attraction to each other was the love of these activities and that you enjoyed doing them together. If he was upset that his awesome, athletic girlfriend was better at things than he was, he needs to grow up.

It would be like dating Rhonda Rousey and then being upset every time she kicked your butt in the ring or got you into an armbar in under 30 seconds. (Yes, I know Rhonda lost her last two fights in somewhat horrifying fashion, but she can still kick the crap out of several billion men including me, so whatever.)

The phrase that makes me want to bang my head into the desk, however, is "let him be the man". It's outdated. Throughout history we have proven time and time again that women and men are equal and have the ability to do pretty much anything (well, except for birthing babies. That unbelievable feat of strength, love and beauty is only for women and makes them warriors in my eyes and I'm glad they can do it so I never have to).

But what does your brother really mean? Does he want you to not do well and then spend your evening stroking the ego of your man? Run to him and say things like "Oh, baby, you're so big and strong!" or "You are so much better than me at physical activities!" or "I guess I'm just not as fast as you because I'm a tiny woman".

Maybe those are a bit far, but you get my point. Weakening yourself to raise someone else up is crazy.

My wife and I are very athletic and I LOVE that she is better at certain things than me. My wife kicks ass and could kick my ass and seeing her astounding feats of strength turns me into a slavering fanboy grinning from ear to ear at the amazing Valkyrie who chose to be my wife.

If he needs a woman to stroke his ego, or if he needs to be better than her then so he can feel like a man, then he needs to do some serious work on himself.

Don't get me wrong, stroking the ego of your partner is great, and I highly recommend it, but only when it's equal and honest. Not when you are weakening yourself to do so.

Now,


Did You Rub it in His Face When You Bested Him?

Being better than him is absolutely fine, unless you rubbed it in his face every time. If every time you bested him at an activity you whipped out your victory song and dance, then we have a problem.

First off, that's just rude...don't hit someone when they're down.

Second, that will only grow into envy and hate in his heart. You want to ENJOY the activities you are doing together, not start a competitive rivalry.

Third, if you have a victory song and dance already worked out, you might want to find different things to do with your free time



How Do You Make it Even?

Constantly losing can wear on a person, even if you haven't rubbed it in their face. So you need to find the things that you AREN'T good at but he is.

Make sure your relationship activites have a healthy combination of things that you are good at and that he is good at so you both get to win.

Which leads us to...


Teaching Each Other

Helping each other get better at skills or activities is one of the best things a couple can do. When you do the activity, don't always have a competition. Spend time teaching and helping each other learn the skill. In fact, we get a question like this all the time about video games.

Last year we had a woman write in that her boyfriend played too much Xbox and didn't spend enough time with her. One of the things I recommended was for her to ask if she could play with him. Two days later I got an email back saying that her boyfriend was floored. His eyes lit up, "YES! I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU PLAY WITH ME!". They spent the entire night playing video games and she didn't even care that she wasn't good because he was helping her and they were doing something together. The next night when he got home he didn't even touch his Xbox. He asked her what she wanted to do. Now, she was floored. She took him through some of the crafts she was making and he helped her and even made his own.

So, Should You Change Who You Are for Future Relationships?

Absolutely not. Embrace your strength. Embrace your speed. Embrace yourself. And if your guy can't handle it it's time to find another guy.

Best

[Becky]

Are you a controlling wife? Do you take your husband for granted? Most women don't realize it but they abuse their husbands daily just by their actions. Many women of today feel that marriage revolves solely around them and that their husband's are supposed to give them everything their heart desires.

If we aren't getting what we want from our man could it be because we are not treating our man like a man? Stop pushing him around and he'll come around.

1. Don't undermine your husband's decision making

This is a biggy in marriage. Isn't it true that we women want things our way! We have been taught from grade school to go after our dreams and aspirations in life no matter what the consequences, even if that means rejecting our husband's needs and wishes. We do what WE want and what WE need. Why would a woman of today be so determined to chip away at her husband's manly authority and advice?

Face it ladies, we haven't exactly helped to make our man feel like a man. If we don't accept the man we married, why would we expect to get what we want from him? If we are rejecting, blaming, controlling, demeaning, undermining, and complaining about our husbands we certainly aren't respecting the man we married.

If we weaken our husband's manly resolve what's left but our feminist attitude and bossy selfish egos? Are we taking the man we married for granted? I think we are and that's what's killing marriage! How do I know all this? I used to undermine my husband all the time. I wouldn't let him be the man of the house. I was bossy and rebellious. I want you to know what I have come to know. It's great!

2. Don't reject your husband

How many times last month did you tell your husband that you were too tired or had a headache or simply shrugged him off because you were mad at him? Probably more times then you really think. Shouldn't we want to satisfy our husband's needs every single day, regardless, whether we feel like it or not? We women need to please and satisfy the men we're married to and we'll get our hearts desire. We really will!

3. Give your husband space (time with buddies)

Do you complain because your husband likes to have free time away with the guys? Maybe you feel he should be home doing chores or watching the children on his day off. But face it ladies, our man deserves time away to be with his friends to play golf, fish or hunt, or whatever it is he does just as much as we deserve to be with our friends. Did you know that a husband that is allowed the freedom to be with his buddies is a happier and more content filled man? Isn't that what we want anyway?

4. Cook your husband hot and nutritious meals every day

It is so true that one way to our man's heart is through his stomach. Ask any man and he'll tell you. I know that some of you ladies who work out of the home just don't have the time to cook nice meals everyday. Buy a crock-pot and a crock-pot cookbook and learn to make delicious homemade meals with it. Crock-pot cooking is so simple. You throw all the ingredients in the pot and it cooks safely all day, and the food will be ready when you both come home from work.

5. Respect your husband

What's so hard about respecting the man we married? If we control the marriage and feel that our husband can't do anything as good as we can, we certainly won't be able to respect him, right? Is treating your husband like one of the children respecting him? Is complaining about their faults respecting him? Is telling him what he's going to do respecting him? Is rejecting him sexually respecting him? Is belittling him respecting him? Well then, stop doing all these things and you are on your way to respecting the man you married.

6. Let your husband protect you

God made man to be the protector of women. Men love to do it, they want to do it, and they feel like a man when we let them do it. But most married women don't feel they need protected because they can take care of themselves. They carry mace, a gun and take karate classes and act like a man and still, they are getting beaten, raped, manhandled, and murdered. If a woman is married why on earth would she want to take away her husbands god-given natural abilities as a protector?

A married woman needs to allow her husband do his job in the manner in which he does it best, by protecting and loving his wife with the natural abilities God gave him. How can a man do that when the woman won't let him? This is how a man loves his woman!

Seriously now, it's really that simple. What would happen if we didn't allow our husbands to protect us? We would be rejecting their love for us. Don't you want to be loved by your man? Did you know that when we don't let our husband's love us the way God meant for a man to love his wife, we are rebelling against God?

7. Submit to your husband (love God)

Ladies, first you must learn to submit to God. This was a major issue in my marriage for many years because I didn't accept God. I was looking out into the world for the answers to my marriage problems when the answers were within my spiritual self the whole time. I finally grew to accept and love God. That is the root of submitting right there.

By growing out from the selfish person I was, I learned to understand what submitting to my husband was all about. Once a woman learns to submit to her husband she will see that by submitting she is actually in more control of the marriage and a better marriage wife because of it.

In other words, a woman will not lose anything of her self by submitting but will gain more of herself that was lost.

"Now I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." 1 Corinthian's 11:3

[Nate]

It is the dream of every woman to wake up everyday to love, good times and happiness. Having a man who truly loves you is not a thing you should take for granted. You should work at yourself and the relationship to ensure that his love will never fade but instead, it grows stronger everyday. Here are some tips that will help you on how to make your man love you more.

Be Yourself

Do not try to be someone you are not just for the sake of pleasing him. Eventually, he will notice it and he will not be impressed. In addition, acting is not easy. You cannot act for the rest of your life with him. Let him get to know whom you really are and chances are he will love you for who you are.

Be a Bit Mysterious

Do not be an open book that is begging everyone to read it. This means that you should not give your man all your life history especially when you are getting to know each other. It is good to let him know about the important things about you but for the rest, let him work at discovering them himself. He will be more excited and will love you more as he discovers the little things about you no one else has.

Do Not Be Too Available

When you are always available at his disposal, this can eventually kill romance and love especially if you are always the one looking for him. Sometimes, let his phone call go unanswered and call him back later. Learn to do some things on your own or with your girlfriends. If he cannot get access to you easily, he will miss and think more about you. The next time you will be together, he will not want to let you go.

Let Him Have Fun Around You

If you are an approachable person, outgoing and fun loving, your man will want to spend more time with you. It will be easier for him to love you. Ensure that you make him happy, you have fun and get closer without compromising on your values every time you are together. When you make him happy, why should he look for someone else to love?

Allow Him to Be Himself

The mistake many women make is that of trying to change their man. If you love him, let him be himself. If your man loves spending time with the boys or he loves watching soccer, do not take this away from him. If you do, eventually, he will resent you and his love for you will start fading. As long as what he is doing is not destroying your relationship, let him do it. If you do not whine, he will outgrow it eventually or even want to do it with you.

Respect and Support Him

Every man's desire is to find a woman who respects him, is happy with who he is and supports him in achieving his goals in life. He needs to know that you will always be there for him no matter what. This will make him love you more.

These tips will help you learn how to make your man love you and want to have you by his side for the rest of his life.