Every Time I Talk About Getting Married, He Changes The Topic

[Victoria]

I have a problem with my boyfriend. At first he proposed marriage, but after a month of not seeing each other he told me that he has an incurable illness (an autoimmune kidney disease). I asked doctors about it and they told me the disease is curable. Every time I talk about getting married, he changes the topic. He says "I don't want to destroy your life." He says and proves that he loves me so much, but doesn't do anything to get married. What should I do?

[Malvin]

I always feel a little bit like Batman when I read things like this.

Not because I am wearing a skin tight kevlar costume or anything... I AM wearing a skin tight costume yet that is not the point in that I have to be a"Relationship Detective" to try to figure out what is going on and why this man is acting the way he is acting.

Here is what my detective skills are telling me based off your email . . .

He is not going to marry you at least not yet.

A few years ago I had a friend who cheated on his fiancée about 3 weeks before they were supposed to get married... it was a despicable thing to do and he suffered for it and I totally understood why it happened.

He did not cheat on her because he did not love her as he did love her and I think he still loves her now in some way.

He did not cheat on her because of some overwhelming undeniable lust.

No... he cheated on her because he made a mistake... he told a wonderful woman he was ready to be her husband when he really was not ready at all.

And as the weeks went by and as the planning got done and as they picked out rings and china and as he thought about being a step father to her manic and beautiful little boy... he felt doubt and regret and toxic fear build in him like bitter soup.

The brave and right thing to do would have been to go to his fiancée and say...

"I love you like crazy and I am just not ready for this."

And like most people my friend was not always brave or right... he kept his mouth closed... he bit his lip... he nodded and smiled... he thought...

"Well it will be FINE once we actually do it wont we... well wont we?"

Basically he lied to himself and in turn lied to his fiancée and then one night he got a little drunk and a little stupid and ranted and rambled and cried and he fell into bed with somebody he should not have fallen into bed with.

And he woke up the next day feeling awful and bitter and relieved... because now he COULD NOT marry her as he now gone to the point of absolute no return... so the wedding was called off.

And he lost a good womans love and he got dragged over the coals and beaten and brutalized... which is a pretty awful story that is really not that uncommon at all.

I do not know what is going on with your man yet it feels to me like a couple things...

1... He probably DOES have this disease and it is justifiably FREAKING HIM OUT.

2... When he first asked you to marry him he probably meant it with all his heart.

3... After the spark and the glow and the juicy excitement wore off he felt doubt crawling into his heart like cockroaches across a clean kitchen floor... he started feeling sick in the night... he has realized he is not ready and then he found out he was sick and that caused all sorts of self loathing BS to come up and now he is trying to dip and dodge his way out of marrying you.

And you know what?

You should let him... because just like my friend the way he is handling this is not noble or right and you cannot force a man to commit to you and you really should not even try.

What I recommend you do is sit down with the and and as simply and unemotionally as you can say

"I really love you and I do not think we are ready to get married yet."

Watch his body language... watch the look in his eyes and get the illness thing figured out and see if there really is a cure.

Be there for each other... build a great relationship and let the "Marriage" thing take care of itself later... got it?

[Michael]

Being constantly told that the man you love doesn't want to marry you is hard to take. It can leave a woman questioning her boyfriend's devotion and it can also wear away at her self esteem. It's particularly difficult if you see friend after friend getting engaged, while you two are still just casually dating. You may have wondered what other women have that makes their man crave to be married to them. It's not a simple answer but what is often the case is the women who are proposed to are the ones who aren't looking for it. Once a man realizes that you're prepared to become his wife, you may just lose some of your appeal to him. This is true in the case of a man who loves the thrill of the chase. Your boyfriend may want to sweep his future wife off her feet, and if you're sitting patiently at his waiting for a proposal, you are only hurting yourself. Start playing a little hard to get with your boyfriend, and that will change the entire dynamic of your relationship.

You shouldn't take it so far as to date other men, but you must become less available to your boyfriend. If he's always expecting you to drop everything to see him, change that. Take time to do things on your own or with friends. Tell him that you can't see him one night but you'll be available a few nights later. Be subtle about it. Also, drop all talk of marriage completely. For now take the words marriage and commitment out of your vocabulary. Your boyfriend won't take long to notice that you suddenly are far less interested in becoming his wife. Once he does, he'll sense you're slipping away from him. Nothing makes a man want to commit faster than the realization that he may just lose the woman he loves the most.

[Judith]

Most often women find themselves in a quandary - wondering if their boyfriend really intends to marry them or not. The best way to find out is to put them to the test. This is really easy when you use certain techniques that will help you find out if he is interested in commitment or not. These tips will be a great help.

Does he really care?
Are you reading too much in the relationship? Does your boyfriend really care about you or is it really a one-sided affair with you doing all the loving? Before you can attempt to find out if he is ready to propose, find out if he really cares. Once you do, you should relax and let the affair take its course. In due time he will propose - if he loves you!

Look for tell tale signs
If your boyfriend is getting serious about you then he will show you how much he cares for you. There is a big difference between a guy who is just into the dating scene and out for a good time and a guy who is seriously in love. If your boyfriend truly cares he will give you the first priority in his life and will definitely propose.

Readiness to commit
It is not difficult to spot the signs that prove that he is willing to commit to you. He will talking of you and him having a future and start using the words "we" and "us" instead of "I" and "me", he will be willing to discuss the future, kids and marriage with you etc.

Are you too pushy for his liking?
If you are too pushy and persuasive he could be tempted to back away. Stay calm and give him the time he needs to be sure about you. You will help things along and make it easier for him to propose if you don't try to force him.

Look at your relationship honestly
It is important not to be in denial about anything regarding your relationship. Get honest and face the facts. It is important if you want to find out if your boyfriend wants to propose or not. Being blind to facts will just lead to rejection and heartache. If your boyfriend really wants to marry you - he won't procrastinate and waste time.

Is he interested in kids?
A guy who is not interested in marriage will not have time for kids. On the other hand if your boyfriend shows interest in kids and takes trouble to spend time with them, it proves that he won't be averse to marriage and having his own kids. Encourage him to talk about marriage and kids and he will surely propose soon.

Ask him
If you have built up a close relationship of trust and love it should not be difficult to have an open and frank discussion regarding his intentions towards you. Either way you will have an answer!